


Damaged

by Oh_nerds



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Don't come here looking for fluff, F/F, High School, PREATH - Freeform, Press heavy, Seriously Sad, Slow Burn, US Women's Soccer National Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:53:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 144,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23452786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oh_nerds/pseuds/Oh_nerds
Summary: Christen Press has had a rough couple of years and it has definitely taken a toll on her. When she arrives at her 5th school in two years, she is determined to not get attached. She is tired of hurting people when she leaves and she is tired of leaving the people she cares about.But what happens when after joining the soccer team, she finds herself closer to people than she has maybe ever have been. Especially one girl, a very enticing, but definitely mysterious girl, who may possibly be the worse person to fall for.Can she trust the girl she thought she knows and has started to seriously fall for, or does she trust her new family?The story starts a little slow and pretty basic,  but if you stick with it I promise its different than what you have read before.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 133
Kudos: 306





	1. Part One

You would think that I would have gotten used to it by now. The looks when you walk down the hallway. The staring, the whispers when they think you aren't looking.

But walking down the hallway trying to get to my first class, I still am nervous. I am kind of a quiet person. Growing up I never used to be the quiet one but after years of losing everything and having to start over. I found it was just easier to be by myself. Of course, it gets lonely, but I would rather be lonely than having my heartbroken over losing people again and again.

After making my way through one hallway, I found that I made it all the way around without finding my classroom, which meant I was lost. Which also meant I was going to have to ask for directions.

The hallway that I was in was a locker hall and it was full of people talking. There were groups upon groups of people and I swear each group just kept getting louder. Until I saw this one group. It was a group of three girls.  
One girl had pitch-black hair, and a cute smile and she was talking to a taller girl who had short brown hair and a sleeve of tattoos and the last girl, who wouldn't even look like she was part of their group if the girl with the dark hair wasn't messing with her thick long brown hair, was sitting on the ground next to the other girls reading a book.

I nervously went up to them. "Ummm I was wondering if you guys could tell me where classroom 123 is?"

"What are you a freshman? How could you not know where that is?" The girl with the short hair responded.

"Ashlyn Harris be nice." The girl with the black hair scolded her. Then she turned towards me and stuck out her hand for me to shake.

"Hi, I'm Ali Krieger. You must be new here, what's your name?"

"I'm Christen Press." Just then the bell rang signaling time to head to class.

"Well shit, Alyssa you are going to that class now aren't you?" Alyssa looked up from her book and nodded her head. "Great then you can show Christen the way. Bye Christen hopes to see you soon." She grabbed Ashlyn's hand and walked off in the other direction.

Alyssa stood up and put her book in her bag. "So it's this way." She motioned towards the other direction. I nodded and followed her.

"Sorry about Ashlyn before she can be an ass sometimes."

"That's okay. I have gotten a lot worse before."

"So where are you from?"

"Depends on what you mean." I giggled at my own inside joke. Knowing that I have been around the whole country. "I just moved here from Seattle."

"That's interesting. What was it like living there?"

"I don't really know I was only there for 3 months."Before she could respond we entered the classroom. She headed to her seat and I head towards the teacher to hand him my slip.

"Hi, I am new here and I heard that I am supposed to give this to you."

"Right thank you. I'm Mr. W. You can sit where ever there is a spot."

Once I turned around I could see a lot of the classroom already full. Since I'm not the smartest I like to sit near the front of the classroom. Unluckily I saw the seat next to Alyssa already taken, there were only two open seats. One was right in front of the teacher's desk next to a dirty blonde who looked like she was sleeping. She had her backpack on the desk as a pillow and her legs were up on the seat next to her. The other was towards the back of the class a crossed the room from Alyssa, where a group of girls was chatting away.  
I didn't want to wake up the girl and tell her to move so I headed towards the other seat. As soon as I sat down the chattering that was happening was gone and it went silent. I could feel eyes on me.

"Who are you?" Knowing the question was directed towards me I looked up to see a girl with stunning blue eyes and was all around very attractive.

"I'm Christen."  
"And are you new here?" An attractive girl with brown hair and freckles covering just about every inch of her face asked me.

"Yes, I am."

"Where are you from?" A very pretty blond asked me.

"Many different places," I responded.

"What the hell does that mean?" The girl with the blues eyes asked.

"I move around a lot."

"Oh, I'm Alex by the way. This is my best friend Allie" she motioned towards the blond "and our jester Kelley" this time motioning towards the girl with freckles.

"Wow, I'm not even your friend I am just someone you keep around to make you laugh." Kelley pouted. Allie put her arm around her shoulder.

"Oh you know we love you Kel," Alex admitted. "Do you play any sports, Christen?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I play soccer."

"Oh, that's great!" Kelley shouted. "We play soccer too. We have practice later you should come to try out."

"You should! What position do you play?" Allie asked.

"I'm a striker."

"Ohhh Alex you could have some competition." Kelley messed with her.

"Ha yeah right," Alex said cockily then flipped her hair to look towards the front of  
the room.

The bell rang and the teacher began his lecture on math of something or other I don't know I was too busy trying to figure out what just happened. It started off okay I thought. I like Kelley, she seems really fun to hang around. Allie is pretty quiet, which is cool. And then there was Alex.  
She started off bitchy, didn't she. The way she talks to people even her friends you could tell she thought she was better than everyone. I don't think she and I are going to get along very well.

The teacher gave up on the lecture with 5 minutes to spare. He allowed the class to move around and talk to each other.

"Yo Alyssa!" Kelley yelled a crossed the classroom. Alyssa looked up from her book that she pulled out already, questioning. Kelley just motioned for her to come over.

As soon as she carried her stuff over Kelley asked her " Can you give me a ride home after practice?"

"Kel, first off you need to learn how to drive, second of all I give you a ride every day we live right next door to each other and lastly you know you shouldn't interrupt me when I am reading."

"Sorry Lys." She mumbled out. "Have you met Christen yet?"

"Yeah, I have already met Christen."

"Great! She is going to try out with us later."

"Oh, I didn't know you played soccer."

"Yeah, I play."

"Chris let me see your schedule." Kelley grabbed it out of my folder without even letting me respond.

"Oh no, you don't have any more classes with us. You do have lunch though. You should come by the table if you want. A lot of the soccer team sits together, except for a select group who prefer peace and quiet." She finished eyeing Alyssa.

"Yeah, maybe I will." Knowing that wasn't something I was going to be doing.  
The bell rang and Kelley ran out of the classroom following behind was Alex and Allie who looked like they were gossiping away. I started to get up and make my way through the door when I noticed the girl in the front who looked like she slept through the whole period.

"Should we wake her up?" I asked Alyssa.

"No," Alyssa said simply, but I saw her shoulders slump and she headed the other direction obviously upset. I started to follow her out the door.

"Are you okay?"

"It's not something I like to talk about," Alyssa said. I nodded getting that, I had way too many secrets to not understand that. "Your next class is in that building over there and it's the third door on your right." She directed me.

"Thank you." I started to walk off in that direction.

"Hey Chris, you can come to find my group at lunch, we usually eat out by the big fountain. It's way more chill than Kelley's table."

"Okay, maybe I will see you there."

I made it to my next three classes fine. In every class there was at least one person asking who I was and if I was new. All my classes were going to be a challenge for me, this school was pretty high up there academic wise, plus I definitely not the smartest. And then finally it was lunch.I headed back out to my car and grabbed the lunch that I packed from my trunk. Just as I was about to head towards the fountain where I saw a group of girl I got distracted by the big and beautiful soccer field.

The field must have just been freshly cut and it had strips all along in it as professionals did it. There were benches on one side of the field for the teams and there were huge stands for the audience. I slipped inside the gate and headed to sit in the grass and eat my lunch. I headed towards the team benches. I sat down and with my back leaning against it and ate my lunch in quiet just admiring how nice this field is.

When I was looking around I noticed a guy walk out from under the bleachers and girl then followed him out. From here I couldn't see their faces but I could see how uncomfortable she was. She was trying to rearrange her clothing like she just put it on. He reached in his back pocket and pulled out something and handed it to her. He leaned in to kiss her, but she quickly turned her face so he just kissed her cheek.

He seemed angry at this, so he just stormed off towards the school. She put the money in her pocket and just dropped down onto the grown where she was. She was obviously very upset about something. I was about to go over and check on her when the bell rang. She got up and sprinted away before I could even really get a good look at her.

Then I realized I was going to be late. I took off running as fast as I could. I was still a little late, but the teacher bought the excuse that I had gotten lost and let it go. The rest of the day went by in a blur and then it was time for soccer.  
Luckily I always keep work out clothes and some spare boots in my car so I quickly grabbed them and head to the locker room where Alyssa and Ali who I had on my last class told me to go. I quickly got changed and head out to the field, where it looks like they already got started.

I saw what looked like to be the coach and so I went up to her and introduced myself.

"Hi, I am Christen Press. I just moved here and I was wondering if I could try out."

"Hi nice to meet you, Christen Press. My name is Abby Wambach, but you could just call me Coach. Why does your name sound familiar to me?"

"Umm, I don't know I don't think we have ever met."

"Wait I know, you are Christen Press, the prodigy, one of the best youth strikers the US has ever seen. You got on the U-17 team when you were barley 12."

"Yup that's me."

"Man, you haven't been on that team in years what happened?"

"Ummm some personal stuff has happened, but I think I am ready to get back into it."

"Well, we would be honored to have you."

"Fair warning I haven't played on a team in a year and I am probably really rusty. Also, do you think we could keep the national thing from the other girls? I don't want them to think of me like that."

"Yeah sure of course."  
She introduced me to the team quickly and then we started. It took me about half the practice to warm up. In that time I was missing traps, my passing was off, and I couldn't get a shot on target to save my life.

I could see some girls laughing at me, particularly Alex and the few girls that were with her. After seeing this I felt my whole body boil with anger. I knew I had to get myself back in the swing of things to shut them up. I closed my eyes for a second and to the time to remember why I was playing again. A face so similar to mine flashed before my eyes and then I was ready to play some soccer.  
We were scrimmaging now. It appeared to be starters vs subs. I was on the subs team. We got to start off with the ball. I passed it back to a midfielder who passed it back to the defense. Knowing how strong the other team was I knew that would work out. I hurriedly checked back towards the ball and got it.

I don't think the other team expected much from me, so when I got the ball I easily made my way through the team with my burst of speed and a few touches. I found myself close to the outside of the box near the left side. I was met with one of the defenders who had freckles and a braid and she was by far the best defenders I have seen.

I had the advantage though because she has never seen me play and I have been watching her. I quickly faked to the left and then pushed the hall slightly to the right I got my foot around the ball and curved it to the far side of the goal. Right past Alyssa.

I quickly jogged back up to the center of the field and waited for the restart. When I turned back around no one had moved from their spots and they were all staring at the goal trying to figure out what happened. The coach was on the sideline clapping joyously and then ordered her team to start again. By the end of the scrimmage, my team won 5-4 I had 3 goals and 2 assists. My team was ecstatic they never beat the starters. The other team was pretty happy too because they knew what it meant to have someone like me play on their team, but I didn't notice Alex a lot quieter now then I have ever seen her and that put a smirk on my face.

The coach announced I was officially welcomed on the team and most of the team got up to go to the locker room with a few words of congratulations. A select few girls stuck around though.

"You did amazing out there!" Ali shouted.

"Yeah and that first goal was wicked bro," Ashlyn added.  
"I can't believe you faked me out like that. I'm Becky Sauerbrunn, by the way. Co-captain and really happy to have you on the team. You played amazing out there today the last person to do beat me like that was Tobin." She quickly shut up after saying that.

"Who's Tobin?" I asked confused. I didn't think I heard that name out here before.  
No one really said anything. Everyone here looking thoroughly upset. I guess Becky thought she should take it upon herself to change the subject.

"Do you want to come to get changed and then head go get some food with us?"

"Ummm I think I will pass on food. I have plans already, but thank you for the invite."

They all nodded their heads and walked off towards the locker room. I was about to follow them because I needed to get home because my dad told me earlier that he was actually going to be home tonight and I wanted to cook him dinner. As soon as I got all my stuff in my bag I heard my phone go off.

Hey Chrissy, can't make dinner tonight something came up. See you tomorrow.

Of course, he isn't coming home, even though he promised. I laid back out on the grass. Thinking I would rather spend some more time here on the beautiful field then at the empty and dark place I guess was my new home. I closed my eyes and just took the time to collect my thought. To really think about all that happened today.

I guess I took a really long time out there because I could see that my eyelids were no longer trying to keep the sunlight out because there was no more sunlight. I sat up and took a look around.

The place was empty or so I thought I saw a figure up in the bleachers laying down and looking at something in the distance. When she saw me stand up she too stood up and made her way towards me. I tried to collect my stuff, but she was already standing in front of me.

She was just about my height, with dirty blonde hair and really pretty brown eyes. "I'm sorry to bother you, but it's time for me to lock up the field."  
"Oh that's okay, I should be leaving now anyway." I grabbed all my stuff and started heading towards the gate. I dropped a boot but before I could pick it up another hand was reaching for it.

"Thank you."

"No problem." She mumbled out.


	2. Part Two

I just turned off my car when there was a knock on my window. My door was being thrown open and there stood Kelley with her mouth hanging open.

"Hey, Kelley."

"This is your fucking car?" She shouted at me.

"Yes," I responded calmly.

"You own an Audi r8."

"Yes Kel, like I said this is my car." It was one of the things my father thought would make up for the fact that he is never there.

"Can I drive it?"

"No, you can not drive it."

"Why not? I am a really good driver and we are practically family now that you are on the team." She argued back with me loudly as grabbed my stuff and got out of my car. Before I could close the door Kelley hoped into the driver's seat. I sighed letting her have a turn knowing that she can't cause too much damage, as long as I had the keys. I hit the lock button. Knowing it will lock when she finally gets out. I made around my car only to find the whole row of people looking at me and my car.

Well here it goes, it always starts off like this. I barely got one step before two guys came up to me. "Hey, I'm Ian and this is my bro, Joey."

"Nice to meet you," I mumbled out still trying to get to school.

"Where are you rushing off to?" Ian said grabbing my wrist and causing me to turn around towards him again.

"To class."

"You still have plenty of time before class, why don't you hang out with us?"

"No thanks, I like getting to class early." I tried to walk away again, but this time they stepped in front of me.

"Oh come on we heard you are on the soccer team now, well we are on the men's soccer team, which means you are part of our group." He motioned to a group of people a few cars down. I saw some familiar faces sitting on the back of a truck.

"Yeah, Chris!" Kelley yelled from behind me grabbing my hand a leading me towards the group. "I will introduce you to everyone."

When we got to the truck, there was a good amount of people hanging out on the bed and around in some of the other cars. I could hear music playing from somewhere, but it was drowned out by how loud everyone was. I saw some familiar faces and some very familiar faces.

"Chris, over there is Sydney she is on the team, but she got hurt and is going to be out the rest of the season, sitting next to her is her boyfriend Dom, he is on the men's soccer team. The blond over there that's JJ and her boyfriend Zack, he plays football, but we will forgive him for that." I kind of spaced out after that, there were way too many people here for me to even remember anyone's name.

"Oh yeah and you already know Alex and Allie, but those are their boyfriends Servando and Bati and you just met Ian and Joey and that's everyone that hangs out with us."

"It's nice to meet everyone," I mumbled out, with a wave. "I have to go now." I quickly left the group and headed towards my first class. When I got there the bell just rang for people to head to class, but the teacher was already here at his desk writing something and the dirty blonde who was asleep yesterday was in her seat, asleep already. I made my way over to my seat where I pulled out my notebook and just started to draw along the margins.

Before I knew it the class was filling up and right before the bell rang Kelley, Allie, and Alex walked in. They didn't have a chance to talk to me because the teacher started his lecture right away. A few minutes in I was already lost in the lesson and so I continued to draw around my notebook. I couldn't wait for this class to be done, I heard the girls around me chatting under their breath as well as most of the class. Then he called on me.

"Miss Press, could you tell me what the answer to this problem?" He motioned to some numbers on the board behind him.

"Ummm." I looked really hard trying to make sense of any of what he was doing, really I was just trying to figure out what the numbers were even. "I don't know sir."

"Miss O'Hara how about you?" Kelley shook her head no.

"Miss Morgan?" No. "Miss Long?" no.

"Can anyone tell me what the answer to my question is?" He paused waiting for someone to answer. "Was no one paying attention? In that case, if no one could answer the question in 2 minutes we are going to have a quiz on it."

Everyone was quickly writing things down, pulling out their calculators, trying everything. A few people, including Alyssa and Kelley, shouted out a few answers, but no one was correct. With ten seconds left it looked as though everyone was going to fail this quiz.

"The answer is 17.23." A voice whispered out in the silence.

"Who was that?" He asked looking around the room. The girl in the front right by his desk sat up and put her hand up. "The answer is 17.23." She repeated. How could she even think she had the right answer, she didn't have any paper out and you needed a calculator to get the answer.

"That's correct Miss Heath, you saved your whole class from failing." The bell rang and the whole class sighed out happily, but no one said anything to the girl. Everyone had already packed their stuff and were out of the room. I closed my notebook and put everything in my backpack and headed towards the front of the class. The closer I got I realized the girl who answered the question was the same girl from last night who locked up the field.

Last night I didn't really notice how attractive this girl is. It must have been too dark because you would have to be an idiot to not see how beautiful she is. Her hair was not dirty blond as I thought before, but its a nice gold color, she had these really nice hazel eyes, that I could see myself getting lost in, and her mouth oh god her mouth. Right now her full lips were together in a pout, but I could see lines around her mouth that must be from smiling too much. Adorable.

"Thank you for saving us," I mumbled shyly in her direction and walked off towards my next class before she even had a chance to respond.

The rest of the day was pretty normal, I ate lunch with Alyssa's group who consisted of some very cool people. Of course, there was Alyssa, who was very quiet but when she did talk she had a funny and sarcastic comment or she would talk with Becky and Carli, the co-captains of the soccer team. Allie shows up everyone once in a while complains about she needs more quiet friends. There were Ali and Ashlyn, who I found out were dating. Ali was really sweet and talkative. She carried most of our conversation. Ashlyn was loud and was always moving around and I had a suspicion that if Ali wasn't here she would be with the other group of soccer players. They all seemed pretty cool to me.

I was closer to Ali, Alyssa, And surprisingly Allie. Ali because she took it upon herself to take me under her wing and would always look after me. Alyssa was mostly quiet we both were comfortable in the silence and she never pushed me to make conversation with her. Allie was a surprise for me. I didn't think we would get along with her, mostly because she was best friends with Alex and Alex and I were polar opposites. But Allie kind of just showed up one day and we clicked. I found it very easy to talk to her.

I did see the girl who got the correct answer from my math class everywhere. It seemed like wherever I was in school, she would be there. She seemed pretty popular though because she was never alone. She was always with a small group, but I noticed she was never the one to do the talking. She would often just listen to whatever the person was talking about and she always had an easy smile on her face.

The rest of the day was uneventful until soccer practice. We were doing fine, I was having a really good practice, I was already getting back into the swing of things. Ali was my partner for most of everything, we worked really well together.

During one of the water breaks, I noticed someone up in the top of the bleachers. She was laying down and reading a book I saw her golden hair moving in the wind. She looked beautiful. I was brought back to reality with Kelley squirting me with a water bottle. We moved on to breaking up into different positions. Ash and Lys headed towards the goal, the defenders and midfielders headed to work on some possession drill and the forwards and I headed towards the goalies to get some shots in. Coach Abby told us to warm up by shooting around where we felt like while she went and did something.

I started shooting a bit, from around the outside of the box. I was having some success but not as much as I would like to. After one shot, I looked around for the coach to ask her a question when I saw her up on the top of the bleachers talking to Her. It was a quick conversation before I saw coach starting to come back down. I went back to shooting before she saw me goofing around. When she got back down, she seemed like she was in a worse mood and so she ended the practice.

Everyone immediately gathered their stuff and headed into the locker room.

"Chris you coming?" It was Alyssa.

"Nah I am going to stick around some and get more shots in."

"You want a goalie?" She asked me, but then I saw her eyes shift behind me,

"Never mind I forgot I have some homework to do. See you tomorrow Chris." She walked off with a wave.

What was that? Why did she change her mind? I looked behind me trying to figure out what she saw. I saw the coach talking to Her. They seemed like they were arguing. She was wearing shorts and some converse and a muscle tank that showed off her toned sides and muscular arms that she was waving around angrily. The scary part was I was going to have to go over there and interrupt to ask the coach if I could keep some of the equipment.

As I got closer I could hear more of what they were saying.

"You know I can't."

"No, I don't know why you can't. You have never told me why." Coach argued back.

"Because okay just because."

"That's starting to not be enough Tobin." Tobin like the Tobin that Becky mentioned before? Like the girl, everyone seems to have a problem with it.

"Umm sorry to interrupt, but coach, do you think that I could use some of the equipment for a while?" They immediately broke eye contact for a while, Coach looking over at me and then down at her watch. Tobin looked down at her shoes not making eye contact with anyone.

"Yeah sure Press. Take as much time as you need, I need to go through, but Tobin here knows where everything goes and she can lock it up for you when you are done."

Tobin looked up at Coach after that. "But..."

Coach gave her a stern look and Tobin gave up. "Have a good night Press. Tobin, I expect to see you later."

"Yeah, thanks." With a nod of her head Coach took off towards the parking lot. Without acknowledging each other I went to grab some cones and some balls. I set up a drill that helps with my dribbling and the shooting. After going through the drill, the first time I went to pick all of the balls out of the back of the net. When I went to pick up one of the balls I snuck a quick glance at Tobin. She was leaning against the team bench a textbook in her lap and her eyebrows were scrunched together in concentration. Despite it being a math textbook she wasn't writing anything down.

I quickly went back to the drill getting through it twice, before I heard a voice.

"You know you would have more control and be faster if instead of turning your whole body you would just turn your hips one way and then use the outside of your foot." I heard her voice call out.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

She sighed out, but she got up and made her way towards me, she quickly grabbed a ball and went through the cones much faster than I have ever and with a lot less effort. The way she moved, she was so graceful and the ball looked like it was glued to her feet.

"How did you do that?"

"Come here." She motioned for me to come closer. She went through the cones slower this time, explaining what she was doing. After a few more demonstrations, I think I got it. I went through the drill faster then I had ever without losing the ball and finished the shot off with a quick shot to the upper 90.

"Did you see that?" I yelled excited and proud of myself. When she didn't answer I looked around for her. Tobin was near the edge of the field talking to some girl. The girl was very close to her and she had her hand on Tobin's face like she was caressing her when they were talking. Tobin was holding her other hand in her hand.

I was immediately overcome with jealously. Of course, this beautiful, smart, and graceful girl was taken. Heartbroken I went back to the drill after going through a couple more times and missing the goal entirely, I realized I should just go home. I started picking up the cones and when I went to collect the balls, I saw there was someone standing in front of me.

"Are you done already?" Tobin asked me.

"Yeah, I just remembered I have a test to study for." I quickly lied.

"Oh, well okay." She started to help pack up the stuff and carried them to a storage container that she unlocked with some keys she pulled out of her pocket. She walked me to back to my stuff really quickly and then to the gate. She paused at the gate, to lock it behind her.

"Where are..." I was interrupted when someone called her name out.

"Tobin! Hurry the fuck up." It was the girl she was leaning against her car, that was parked right outside the gate.

"Uh, I got to go." She mumbled and ran to the car and hopped into the passenger's seat, but right before they took off she waved to me and gave me a small smile.

After getting home, showering, and making dinner for myself, I found myself in my bed unable to fall asleep. Thinking of that golden hair that was flowing in the wind. The way she casually went through the cones. The smile that lit up her face when I almost tripped on the ball because she distracted me. I knew I had a crush on her, I mean how could I know she was amazing.

Then I saw her with that girl. She was in a relationship. Maybe that was for the best because I know that I could never be in a relationship because I know that I can't get attached to people. I am never around long enough. And it always hurts too much when I leave. Thinking back to my last relationship. I crushed her heart. I should just stay away from Tobin.


	3. Part Three

The next few weeks of school I tried my best to distance myself from not only Tobin, but the whole team. It wasn't like they did anything wrong, quite the opposite actually they were all too friendly. They started to ask me personal questions and I can't tell them I can't let them in.

So I kept my distance. I wouldn't talk very much in class, which meant not asking for help so I was going to fail that class soon. I stopped sitting with them during lunch every day, three times a week I would sit with them, but I wouldn't be very talkative. For the days I don't sit with them I got an off-campus card and I would drive to this little dinner that was near the school and eat there. Of course, there was still soccer, I couldn't give up soccer. So we talked there.

Despite all of this, these girls never seemed to just give up on me. The would still always ask me if I wanted to join them for lunch, or if I needed help in class, or if I wanted to hang out after practice. It kills me every time to say no to them, because it's obvious how much they all care for each other and how they want to care about me too. But I can't let that happen for my sake and theirs. But there was one person I couldn't stay away from.

I still saw her everywhere I went. Tobin. It seems like there are multiples of her because I feel like every corner I turn she's there talking to someone else. Every day in first period I would watch her. I couldn't help it. Sometimes she would come into class late and go straight to sleep, other times she would sit with her back against the wall and twirl her pencil around effortlessly. Despite that, she never missed a question. I wanted to sit in the still empty seat by her, but for some reason I knew she didn't want me there. We never talked in that class. Besides that I don't think I would get any work done.

Sometimes when I did try and pay attention to the lecture or when I was busy drawing in my notebook I would look up and I could feel her eyes on me. She would always give me this really cute and easy smile without breaking eye contact.

My favorite time is our one on one time.I stay late after practice everyday and she would show up after everyone leaves and she just hangs around. Sometimes she gives me small tips sometimes she would tell a stupid joke or flirt a little bit or sometimes she would just sit back and watches me. We would talk about nothing personal, but we would always have an easy conversation going. Talking to her was so natural and easy I often found myself telling her way more than I should.

I specifically can recall this one day, we just finished practice and coach called me over.

"Christen, I got your progress report today and it looks like you are struggling in multiple classes but especially math."

"I know coach, I'm sorry math just really doesn't work with me."

"Well I need you to get your grades up if you don't I can't allow you to play."

"Okay coach I promise I will go to tutoring or get a tutor or something."

"Okay, I will check back in with you in two weeks." Coach walked off. And I slumped down to the ground. What am I going to do? I just can't to math and what if I can't get my grades up. Soccer is all that I have left.

"Hey, Chris what's wrong?" Tobin came and sat down next to me. Meeting her eyes I noticed how worried she was about me.

"I'm not going to be able to play soccer anymore."

"Why would you say that? You are without a doubt the best soccer player this school has ever seen. I take that back you are the best soccer player this whole city has seen."

"Because of my grades. "

"Well that's okay school isn't that bad. Just make sure you do you homework and get decent grades on your test."

"It's not that simple Tobin," I whispered out quickly ashamed. Tobin is without a doubt the most intelligent person I know. But that was the problem she has never struggled like I have. She has never had to put in the effort.

"Why wouldn't it be?" She asked thoroughly confused. I haven't really told anyone this secret in a while. My teachers are supposed to know, but at this school none of them seem to really care.

"Chris? You can trust me you know."

I looked into her eyes and she looked sincere. Keeping all of my personal stuff to myself was starting to take a toll on me. I needed to vent to someone and why not her?

"I can't just pick up a book and look at it once and understand it like you do Tobin. I have dyslexia, I have to reread things multiple times and even then some things get more and more confusing. I am just too dumb for school okay?" I tried to get up and run off but she caught up with me quickly. Grabbing me around the waist and pulled me into a hug.

She let me cry into her neck for a while until she pulled away and held my chin making sure I was looking at her. "You are not dumb." She told me fiercely.

"Of course I am, I barely made it through school so far, I think teachers just pass me because they feel sorry for me. No one has ever taken the time to make sure I understand any of it in years."

"That's bullshit. You aren't dumb. You may just need more time to learn something. That's not a bad thing."

"It is when no one has ever taken the time to help."

"I will."

"You will what?"

"I'm going to take the time to teach you."

"Why?" Why would this amazing girl take the time to help me?

"I believe in you, Chris." She said simply.

Every day after that, she would show up after practice. She would give me an extra half an hour of soccer and then she would spend an hour or even sometimes hours with me going over anything I wanted to.

We working on math one day, sitting in the bleachers. She was sitting right beside me I had the book open in my notes open in my lap I got distracted during my class and I noticed a drawing on my paper of some very familiar eyes.

I tried to cover it up, but her hand shot out and stopped me from trying the page.

"What's that?" She asked me.

"It's nothing," I mumbled out trying to cover it with my hands. "Just a scribble. "

"That's what you call a scribble?" Tobin asked."It's really good. You didn't tell me you could draw before."

"It never came up."

"Can I please see it again?" She pouted.

"No, you can't." She was adorable like this and it took everything in me to say no.

"Please, Chris." She grabbed my hand, pullingit away from the paper intertwining our fingers. But her eyes were still on mine still asking permission to look at it.

I sighed out knowing she wasn't going to take no as an answer. So I nodded my head yes. She smiled and took the notebook off my lap and put it own her own. Keeping our hands still together. She was examining the pair of eyes that were looking back at her from my page. She used her other hand to trace lightly over it.

"Are are these my eyes?" She stuttered out. Looking back up at me. I looked away blushing trying to pull my hand away, but she just held on tighter. This time she sighed out knowing she wasn't going to get an answer from me.

"Do you have more drawings? She asked hopefully.

Trying to think back if there were any more embarrassing drawings in there. I don't think there was because most of the ones that I have drawn of her are in my room. I granted her access. "In the back" I mumbled out.

I heard her flipping through the pages pausing every now and then at some of them. I was too afraid to look at her reactions.

"These are really good Christen. So is this what you do in class instead of paying

attention." She giggled towards the end.

"Yeah, Mr. W goes to fast for me and I find that I just get more confused when I listen to him, besides I think you teach me better than everyone has before."

"Well, you are the best student I have ever had." She joked around with me. She continued to look at my drawings while I thought about the class for a while until a thought hit me.

"Hey, Tobin?"

"Yeah."

"Are you embarrassed about being my friend?" Thinking about how social she is, but she has never had a conversation with me outside of this field.

"Now why in the world would I ever be embarrassed by you, Chris. You're fantastic. Why would you even think of that?"

“Why don't you talk to me in class?" She paused for a second while looking down at our hands.

"I know other people wouldn't like it." She whispered out.

This got me thinking about how people regard her. Most of the school was fine with her, in fact, I have seen her have conversations with many different types of people, but I don't know all the facts but I know that Tobin has many rumors that circling around her. The girls on the team never really talked about it about I knew how they all felt about Tobin. Most hated her. And I didn't get why because the Tobin I know is wonderful.

"Are you talking about the girls on the team?" I asked

"Yes."

"They don't like you?"

"No, they don't." She whispered out defeated. Tears were starting to come down her face.

It killed me seeing her like this. I have never seen her look so broken before. I squeezed our still intertwined hands. "I like you," I whispered back out to her suddenly nervous at my directness.

She looked up at me shocked at my confession. She brought her other hand up to my cheek and rubbed her thumb back and forth a crossed my check bone. She was just looking into my eyes like she was searching for something. Maybe seeing if I actually mean it.

"Well, then that's all that matters to me." She said with a small smile on her face.

Every day after that she would often hold my hand when we talked or when she was explaining something to me and I got frustrated. She would also walk me to the gate when our time was done. She would wrap her arms around me rest her chin on my shoulder. And every time she would sigh out like that is what she had been wanting to do forever. I was falling for her fast. She would always break off our hug she would get into another's girls' car most of the time it was the same girl, other times it was random people sometimes she would just walk off.And every time I would remember that she was taken that I could never have her to myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be posting a chapter a day. Let me know what you think!


	4. Part Four

One day on the period right before lunch, the teacher let us out 5 minutes early. I was taking the time to roam around the school when I stumbled into a hallway that I had never been in. I think it was the art building because the walls were covered in some beautiful artwork that was done by students. I had wanted to take an art class but my dad didn't let me.He didn't think it was a good use of my time. I was following this one panoramic one when I continued around the corner.

That's when I saw her. The girl with the golden hair and easy smile, that I was definitely falling for, being pinned against the walk by some guy. He was kissing her neck and her head was thrown back with her eyes closed. She had her arms wrapped loosely around him.

I was frozen to where I was in shock. I thought she liked girls. I thought she had a girlfriend. I thought she was starting to like me back. Before I could turn around and run like I knew I should, the bell rang and her eyes sprung open and immediately fell onto mine.

I started to back away slowly until I saw her move practically shoving the guy off of her and she opened her mouth to speak. I ran away before she could say anything.I think she tried to chase after me but I was one of the fastest one the teams.

She didn't owe me any explanation I wasn't her girlfriend. She wasn't mine. I skipped the rest of my classes, I headed out to the parking lot and drove off to my diner. I sat there barely picking at some fries for the rest of the school day. I knew I had to go to practice though, Coach would kill me if I missed it because we have our first home game the next day.

I quickly made my way through practice. My heart was definitely not in it today. Especially when I saw a certain blonde walk past the field with another girl. There were still about 30 minutes of practice left whenAlex came into a tackle hard and I fell to the ground hard. I was done. I got up grabbed my stuff from the bench and headed to the locker room.

Coach let me go having enough trust in me to know I would make up for it, but what I obviously didn't expect, considering right after making it into the locker room I fell to the ground crying, was an arm to go around me.

I looked up to see Lys sitting next to me on one side and Ali on the other. For some reason them being here made me cry even harder. Lys pulled me into her side and I wrapped my hands around her waist. And just cried into her.They let me cry for a while.

"What's wrong Chris? Alex didn't hurt you did she? She doesn't mean it she is just really aggressive on the field now. " Ali asked

"No Alex didn't hurt me."

"Then what's wrong?"I didn't know if I wanted to open up to them yet, and by the time I decided I could talk to them, the other girls came into the locker room. I hurriedly got up and jumped in the shower. Making sure to clean my tear-stained face. After finishing my shower I headed back to get change. Ali and Alyssa were already showered and changed and were waiting by my locker.

Knowing at this point they wouldn't give up until I told them what happened. I quickly put on my clothes.

"You guys want to come to my house tonight?" I asked them.

"Your house?" Ali asked shocked. I haven't had anyone to my house yet, and I knew everyone has been curious to see it after they saw what my car looked like.

"Yes, would you guys like to spend the night at my house?" I repeated. I wanted to talk and I hated sleeping in that house by myself.

"Yeah sure." Alyssa quickly agreed with a smile.

"Yeah okay. Can I bring Ashlyn?" Ali asked hopefully.

"Yeah, I guess that would be alright." She took off to go tell her. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote some stuff on it. "Here's my address and that's the code to my gate. When you get past the gate just park in front of the garage and you can come in through that door I will leave it open." Alyssa nodded her head.

"Come on I will walk you out to your car." We walked in silence to the parking lot. Before we got to my car Allie and Kelley caught up with us and asked to talk to Alyssa really quick with Ali and Ashlyn following closely behind. I nodded and headed to throw my bag in my car, knowing they probably wanted to talk about me and my meltdown. And directly in front of me was Tobin.

Some girl had her hand wrapped around the extra shirt material around Tobin's stomach and was pulling her closer to her. Tobin was giving her the same easy smile she gives me and my heart shattered. Not only did she have at least two girlfriends, make out with some dude in between class, but she gave some other random chick my smile. I slammed my passenger's door closed in rage. And before I knew it my wrist was being pulled back. I dropped my keys down and let out a squeak in surprise.

"Shit, I'm sorry I scared you, Chris." Knowing the voice before I even turned around.

"Go away, Tobin."

I tried to walk away but she pulled on my wrist again, this time sliding her hand down so her fingers laced around mine. Holding me in place. The familiarity of it all her holding my hand like she did every day after school was enough to keep me there. I rested my back against my car and she stepped up to get closer to me.

"Please just let me explain." I looked up at her face now for the first time and I could see how upset she was her eyes were pleading with me. "Please Chris, please."

"Get the fuck away from her." Allie was there shoving Tobin away from me. Allie had her pinned against my car. Tobin look terrified, she had her eyes closed and her head turned away and her hands up like she was going to try to protect her face. And Allie did look like she was going to hit her. I tried to stop Allie but Alyssa had wrapped her arms around my torso keeping me from moving.

Ashlyn quickly moved forward and grabbed Allie and pulled her away from Tobin.

"She not worth it Allie. " Ashlyn told her simply.

"She's trying to fool Chris like Alex, Ash. She was trying to take advantage of her." Then she directed her words towards Tobin. "What sleeping with half the school isn't enough for you, you need to try and take advantage of the new girl. What the fuck is wrong with you Tobin?"

"It's not like that" Tobin tried to explain. Allie escaped from Ashlyn and grabbed Tobin and threw her away from my car towards the middle of the row. The other girls now between her and me.

"Shut up no one wants to hear your lies again. You are going to stay away from her okay. Stay away from all of us." Allie threatened her.

Tobin had tears streaming down her face. She turned and took a step in my direction her hand outstretched like she was reaching for me. "Chris," she whispered out "please let me explain."

I was so confused about what was happening. I knew the rest of the girls didn't like Tobin. They never hid that fact, but it seems as though pure hatred came from Allie. She said Tobin tried to get me to sleep with her. Is that what all our conversations were about? Is that why she would stay after practice? Why did she volunteer to help me? She just wanted to sleep with me? That means none of it meant anything to her. All the small smiles all the easy conversations were lies?

They seemed real to me. And the look on her face, the tears coming down seemed real to me. The pain that was in her eyes that were locked with mine seemed real to me. "Please Chris, just let me explain. Please." She tried pleading one more time. I wanted nothing more to wrap her in my arms. I took a step in her direction.

"Chris, you can't. You can't believe her she's a liar. She fooled us all before too." Ali whispered out. Then I took the time to look around at each of the girl's faces and they all nodded in agreement at Ali's words.

I looked back at Tobin, I could see her whole body shaking, her arm was still reaching out towards me with her palm facing up like she was asking me to take her hand. Tears were streaming down her face. She didn't verbally ask, but I could see in her eyes she wanted me to go with her. But how could I trust her? How could I trust her, believe her over all these other people?

"I have to go," I whispered out. I went to my car threw open the door and started my car. Before I could even back out the passenger's door opened and Alyssa got in the car. And before I could argue with her, she just shook her head no and I knew there was nothing I could say to her that would change her mind.

As I backed up out of my spot I saw Ashlyn, Ali, and Kelley talking to Allie, trying to calm her down. But what nearly broke my heart was as I was about to leave the parking row I saw Tobin sitting on the curb her hair cascading around her face her knees were up against her chest and she was rocking back and forth sobbing. I sped off towards the direction of my house, but I barely got a block before the tears were too much.

"Pull over Chris," Alyssa whispered out.

I happened to be at the diner, I pulled into my usual spot trying to calm myself down. After a few minutes, I managed to get my crying under control.

"You want to go inside and talk?" I just nodded my head. She got out and we made our way to the booth I usually go to.

"Hey Chris, what are you doing back here so soon?" Beth the older waitress that usually takes my order. She saw my eyes were red and fresh tears were still coming down my face. "Oh, honey I think someone needs a milkshake, yeah?"

I nodded my head, "Strawberry, please." I rasped out.

"Anything for you?" She asked Alyssa.

"No thank you" Beth nodded and headed towards the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" Alyssa grabbed my hand a crossed the table.

"Not really. I am really confused." She nodded like she expected this answer.

"I should start at the beginning. Now I don't know all of the details, I think only Alex and Tobin know all of the details, but I will try." She sighed out.

"What does Alex have to do with Tobin? They never even acknowledge each other."

"They weren't always that way. This town is not this biggest town as you may have noticed, most of us have known each other forever. The girls on the soccer team we have all known each other since at least the 7th grade. We are all family.

But Tobin, Alex, and Allie were inseparable. The three amigas, they would be over each other's houses all the time. They all had stupid nicknames for each other Tobin and Allie were Harry to each other and Alex was their baby horse. They all had this scary close connection, well you have seen Alex and Allie in the field right?" She waited for my understanding.

It was true Allie and Alex knew where each other were at and what they were going to do without even talking sometimes without even looking at each other. I nodded having her continue explaining.

"Well with Tobin they were absolutely unstoppable. Especially Tobin and Alex they knew each other practically their whole lives they could weave in and out of our whole team without sweating. It was unbeatable."

"What happened?"

"It happened at the end of last year, now I am going to say it again I don't really know all of the details. Alex never really talks about it and well you know we don't really talk to Tobin anymore." She was clearly struggling to get anything out.

"All we knew was Tobin and Alex had something. We call all see the way they looked at each other how much they cared about each other. Some of us thought it could be more than friendship. But they never really told us.

One day both Alex and Tobin didn't come to school. And then one day turned into two and three and none of us had heard anything from them. Allie was, of course, the most nervous as her the best friends were practically missing. She went to Alex's first. Alex's parents were clearly upset, Alex hasn't talked to them in a few days. All they knew was that something happened between Tobin and Alex. It took a while for Allie to get Alex to talk to her, and then she finally told her."

Alyssa stopped talking tears were coming down her face now. I squeezed her hand to try and assure her. She looked up at me. And continued her story.

"Apparently Tobin forced herself onto Alex."

"Ffforced?" I stuttered out.

"Tobin took advantage of Alex."

How could Tobin do that? The girl who helps me clean up and put the equipment away after every practice. The girl who is always ready with a quick joke and an easy smile. The girl who has spent hours with me helping me understand my homework.

How is that the same girl that would take advantage of her best friend?

"Tobin raped Alex?" I questioned one more time.

Alyssa shook her head, yes, tears coming down her face.

"What happened after that?"

"Alex didn't come back to school until a week after that, but Tobin came back the day after. Allie was the only one who knew, out of all of us at the time. So when Tobin showed up at school before Allie, it was like a normal day for us. She was in the parking lot with us. Although something was wrong with her she was way quieter than she usually is, we all thought it was because of the cold she told us she had. Then Allie showed up.

*bold is a flashback.

**Allie pulled up in her car, obviously already upset about something and then she saw Tobin with us. She ran over and grabbed Tobin by the shirt and threw her off of the back of the truck. She climbed on top of her and started to punch her in the face.**

**All of us were shocked we didn't understand what could have possibly happened between them. They were practically sisters. Ashlyn recovered first and got Allie off of Tobin.**

**Tobin was a bloody mess. Her lip was cracked open there was a long gash** **above her eyebrow. Her nose bleeding.**

**"How fucking could you? How could you do something like that you asshole?" She shouted at Tobin.**

**"What the hell are you talking about Harry?"**

**"Don't you dare call me that."**

**"I don't understand." Tobin was sobbing now.**

**"How you could take advantage of our best friend like that? How could you force yourself on her?"**

**"Are you talking about Alex? It wasn't like that. I swear that's not how it happened. I love Alex I would never hurt her." She pleaded out to Allie.**

**"Oh, you piece of trash! You are full of shit. Tell the fucking truth. Tell everyone what you did to her! Tell them!"**

**"I didn't hurt Alex." She whispered out.**

**That last deny is what tipped Allie. She broke free of Ashlyn's arms and kicked Tobin in the stomach hard before anyone could stop her she stomped down on Tobin's ankle hard. Everyone could hear the snap. Tobin passed out because of the pain.**

"What happened after that? Did Allie get in trouble? Did Tobin?"

"Allie was suspended for two weeks for beating up Tobin."

"And Tobin?"

"Alex didn't tell her parents and she didn't tell the cops and she made us all promise not to say anything."

"So Tobin got away with it?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't Alex tell anyone?"

"None of us really know the answer to that. That was the end of the year last year. Allie missed the last two weeks from being suspended. Alex didn't come to school, trying to get over what happened and Tobin disappeared not only the next two weeks but for the whole summer."

"What happened at the beginning of the school year before I got here?"

"Allie came back, quieter and more possessive of Alex. Alex came back more bitchy and closed off. And Tobin... well she came back a whole new person. She came back with a new reputation. Apparently, throughout the summer she slept through have of the school, she quit soccer, and we never talked to her again."

"I don't understand how Tobin could do that," I said still trying to put together the

Tobin, I thought I knew to the one that Alyssa is telling me about.

"We never understood it either Christen. That was half of the problem no one could understand how the Tobin we saw the girl who was so intelligent she could skip a grade, the girl who had never said curse words before her junior year in high school, the girl who went to church every Sunday and prays before going to bed every night, could rape anyone let alone her best friend.

In our eyes, if she was able to do something like that if she was capable of doing something that horrible she couldn't really be the person we all thought she was. She couldn't be that girl and to us, that's what is the worst part. Is that she fooled us all and she keeps fooling people."

"And I am one of those people that she fooled. I can't believe I actually thought she could care for me."

"Ah Chris you can't be mad at yourself you have only known her for weeks, we practically knew each other half of our lives and we didn't know who she truly was. It's really my fault I should have warned you about her, I'm sorry can you forgive me for that."

"Of course Lys, it's not your fault." Just then Ali and Ashlyn were outside the diner. Letting us know with a car honk. "What are they doing here?"

"They are here to pick me up. You have two options here. One I can go with Ali and Ash and they can drop me off at my house and I can see you tomorrow if you want some alone time or two they can drop me off at my house and I can grab some clothes and head to your house later with them."

Did I want to be alone right now? I usually am alone, but if I am alone I know that I would think about Tobin and I really didn't want to do that. But I think if it was just the three they would be asking me questions all night about what happened with

Tobin and I didn't want to answer those questions either.

"How about this we have the whole team over my house for a team bonding. We can watch movies and play board games."

"Are you sure Chris? You know how crazy we all can get when we get together." She was obviously worried about me already.

"Positive. Why don't you go tell Ali and Ash and they can get everyone else organized and you can tell everyone the details on like directions and stuff okay?"

"Okay, Chris if you are sure." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be mad at me. I love Harry too. Should I post 2 times a day? Leave a comment below.


	5. Part Five

Three hours later I heard the buzz of the gate being opened just as I finished putting everything where it should be. I headed towards the garage door. Before they could even get in I threw open the door. In the first car were Alyssa, Kelley, Pinoe, Becky, Carli, and Kling and right behind them in the second car was Ali, Ashlyn, Allie, Alex, JJ, Moe, Linsey, and Emily. Kelley, Pinoe, and Kling were barreling towards me.

Until I flicked on the garage light and they were suddenly aware of their surroundings. In my garage were my car and five other cars.A Landrover, a Porsche 911, a Maserati, a Ferrari, and a Bugatti. The three of them froze in their tracks, while everyone else was obviously staring but they kept moving past them. Alyssa was the bravest one walking up to me first putting her arm around my shoulder. Comforting me because she could see how nervous I was getting.

"Hi everyone."

Hellos were shouted out from everyone. They all followed me from the garage through the first hallway and into the kitchen. I paused there first.

"So umm it's just us here so we can do whatever we want. I thought I could order pizza and we could watch movies, play video games, I also have board games. If that sounds okay with everyone?"

"That perfect Chris," Ali reassured me and everyone else nodded along agreeing.

"Okay, what kind of pizza do you guys want?" Everyone shouted out different orders and so I planned on ordering like 8 different types of pizzas. "Okay, I will order them in a minute. I can show you where we are going to be set up for the night." I made my way through a long hallway passing five other rooms to get to the room I was talking about.

I opened the double doors to show a home theater room. There was a screen covering a whole wall. There were two rows of recliners facing the screen. In front of the seats, I had blankets and pillows placed down on the floor. On the side of the door where we were standingis a wall of shelves the shelves were full of DVDs and video games. Behind the chairs on the opposite side of the wall was a countertop set up like a bar with the stools and everything. On the other side of the bar, where the "bartender" would stand was a fridge and cabinets, both full of food and drinks. And a crossed from where we're standing was a bathroom.

"So you guys can make yourself comfortable in here, while I order the pizza. Over here," I motioned towards the stack of DVDs and video games. "You guys can choose what you want to watch or play. You can help yourselves to anything food and drink wise that you find here. And over there is the bathroom there are multiple stalls and sinks in there so multiple people can use it at one time."

I turned around and everyone was still looking around the room. Everyone had a shocked look on their face. "Okay well, I am going to order pizza." I made my way through the group and made my way back to the kitchen. I could hear them yelling behind me knowing that they had moved from their shocked stances.

After ordering the pizzas, I was going to head straight back to the room, but as I got closer I heard some of the girls talking.

"This house is fucking insane!" Shouted Pinoe.

"Did you see all the cars in the garage? She had a fucking Ferrari and Bugatti." Kelley shouted back."And I thought her car was the coolest."

"This whole house is outrageous. We passed five other rooms on our way to this

room and I saw there were two other hallways off of the kitchen." Kling added.

"What the fuck do her parents even do?" That was Alex. It went quiet for a moment.

"Alyssa, Ali, Alie do you guys know you are the closest to her?" Moe asked.

"No, she never really talks about her personal life. All we talk about is school and soccer. " Ali said.

"Same." Alyssa agreed.

"Does anyone know anything about her?" Alex asked again.

"Not really, but that doesn't mean anything she is a really cool chick. Maybe she just likes to keep her personal life to herself, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Besides it's pretty cool of her to invite us over like this, so let's all try not to be assholes okay. No one needs to interrogate her. If she wants to talk to us then she will. Got it guys?" Becky said.

"Kling, Kelley, and Pinoe I need to hear you guys specifically promise," Carli added.

"We promise." The mumbled back.

After hearing this I headed back to the kitchen. I sat down on one of the stools there. I just need some time to get myself together. Maybe it was a mistake having everyone over. I should have chosen to be alone again. I mean it's not like I am not used to it.

"Christen?"

I looked up from where I was sitting in the countertop to the doorway to see Allie standing there.

"What's up, Allie?"

"I want to say sorry about earlier today if I scared you in any way I apologize. I am usually not that aggressive I am just very protective of my friends. Especially from her." Her voice cracked at the end.

"That's okay Allie, I actually really appreciate it. It was a lot to take in at the moment, but thank you for even caring that much about me to do something like

that. I didn't think we were that close."

She moved closer to me now sitting on the other chair. Taking her time while thinking of what she wanted to say. "Well, why wouldn't we Chris? You are on the team and all of us really like you. So you are a little quiet and don't really talk about your personal life, that's okay we all have our problems. You could trust us you know. If you ever did want someone there anyone one of us would be there in a heartbeat."

"I think that might be my problem."

"Your problem with us is that we care about you?" She asked her eyebrows scrunched together confused.

"Yes, you all care about each other so deeply. You are a family and I know that I can't be apart of it."

"You already are a part of it."

"But I can't be because I always end up leaving and I can't do it anymore. I can't allow people to get close to me, to care about me just for me to leave them. Just for me to break their hearts as well as mine. It's just easier for me to not get close to anyone."

"Even if you are scared that's an awfully lonely way to live, Chris. You need people, to listen to you, to be there for you, to care about you. We could be those people for you. No matter if you leave us tomorrow and move a crossed the country, people who really care about you won't let that stop them from caring about you."

"You promise?"

"I promise no matter what I will be there for you if you asked me to?" I got up and wrapped her in my arms.We stood there in the kitchen just the two of us for a while until there was a ringing on the intercom. The pizza was here.

Allie came to the door with me and helped me grab he pizzas from the guy and carry them back to the other girls. As soon as we entered the room the girls took the pizza from us and started to devour it.

Overall it was probably one of the best nights of my life. We started off playing truth and dare until it got way out of hand. Then we moved on to watching movies. We started off with some action movies, but deep into the night, we switched to more dramatic movies. We all started to feel drowsy and we all moved into more comfortable positions to sleep in. Some girls were sprawled out on the floor. Some were in the recliners by themselves and some were coupled together. I was settled into my favorite recliner a little off to the side by myself,when Allie noticed me and came sauntering over and slid herself onto my recliner.

"And what do you think you are doing?" I asked her.

"What I like to cuddle." She said defensively. Wrapping her arms around me and shutting her eyes. Her breathing immediately starting to slow down.She was asleep and I couldn't help and fall asleep soon after.

I woke up early everyone else was still asleep. Allie still had her arms around me. Checking my watch there was still two hours before school. I somehow got up out of Allie's arms without waking her and made my way out of the room.

I quickly hopped in the shower and then threw on some jeans and a teeshirt. Heading back down to the kitchen. I turned the coffee pot on and got to work making breakfast. I was already flipping pancakes and checking on some of the bacon when someone was beside me reaching for the coffee. It was Alyssa.

"Good morning," I said cheerfully.

"Oh, so you're a morning person." She mumbled pouring herself some coffee. I only giggled in response.

"Hey, Chris you need help?" Ali had asked walking into the kitchen now, with fresh clothes on.

"I am pretty much done cooking, but could you get the girls up. If they don't come to eat now then we are going to be late for school."

"Yes, Ma'am." She saluted me and headed back the way she came.

"You can get plates down from that cabinet please," I asked Alyssa.

A couple of minutes later all the food was ready. I had made pancakes, eggs, bacon and had put out a fruit salad I had made the day before. The girls slowly coming in one by one and grabbing a plate and the food they wanted. Some sitting on the stools on the counter, some sitting on the counter, some at the table, and even some where sitting in the floor. It was the quietest I had ever seen them. Kelley was the last one to come in, grumbling about how school sucks until she put the first bite of food in her mouth.

"Damn Chris this shit is good." She shouted.

"Thanks, Kel, but it is just a simple breakfast."

"No, it really is good." Alyssa agreed.

"Where did you learn how to cook?" Ali asked

"My mom taught me when I was little,"I whispered out.

"Lucky my mom doesn't even know how to boil water. I bet your mom cooks some really good meals doesn't she." Kelley complained.

"She did." I agreed with her quietly. My eyes starting to tear up. Allie and Alyssa moved closer to me. Allie putting her hand over mine.

"Okay how about Becky and Carli direct cleanup." Allie directed. Looking over at the two Captains, who nodded their heads agreeing.Allie pulled me by my hand, down a hallway Alyssa and Ali following closely behind. Becky and Carli shouting orders out.

"This door," I mumbled out. Allie stopped looked over at the door on our right. It was different than all the others. It had a white background had intricate spirals in all different colors all over it.

"Your room?" She asked me quietly. I nodded my head and she opened the door grasping as we made our way inside. My room is obviously different from the rest of the house. The rest of the house was full of dull colors and was near where everything had a purpose. Not a single personal item and everything was modern.

My room was more hectic and colorful. My bed was messily thrown together with few clothes around the room and more clothes spilling out from my closet. Each inch of my wall was different. One wall was painted to look like it was a soccer stadium. It was so detailed that it looked as though you could run your fingers through the grass and climb up and sit in one of the stands. It also had an actual goal where I could take shots if I wanted to.

The next wall was a beach, but it was a specific view from up somewhere high that I used to see all the time. It looked as though the waves were crashing down and you could sink your feet right into the sand.

The third wall was of this huge willow tree in a meadow full of flowers. Each flower different colors and different shades. The meadow went right up to a pond where you could see off in the distance there was a bridge that leads to a small house.

The last wall that had the door to enter the room and the closet on it was just full of random things and colors, some bigger than others but each object had its own intricate details.

"Chris your room is amazing," Ali whispered out.

"You painted these?" Alyssa asked.

"Yes."

"Do they mean anything?" Allie asked.

"They mean everything to me," I responded. But I saw each of their faces and I knew I had to explain. I moved to the soccer one first.

"My mom got pregnant with me when she was 17 and a senior in high school, my dad, in college. They had been dating for a while, but when my dad found out about me he left my mom and then her parents kicked her out. My mom was heartbroken and alone. My mom worked every single day of her life to give me the best life. Working every job she could get. When she saw how good at soccer I was and how much I enjoyed it, she somehow found a way to pay for me to play competitively.

For me my whole life was soccer. Every moment I possibly could I had a soccer ball at my feet. I was determined to make sure that my mom's hard work didn't go to waste that I would make something of myself so she didn't have to work as hard anymore.

Three years ago I got invited to the youth national team. I was on that team for about a year before I made it to this specific stadium. It wasn't a major tournament or anything, but my mom flew up to where we were playing and she got to watch me play for the youth team in person for the first time. She made a sign for me and everything. Seeing her in the stands fueled me like never before. I scored 3 goals and had 2 assist that day. It was the best game I have ever played. It was also the last game she ever saw me play." I had to stop taking now because I was sobbing quietly.

"Christen are you okay?" Ali asked me next to me.

"Yeah, I just need a second before I continue." I focused on my breathing. I felt a

hand intertwined with mine and that gave me the strength to continue. I moved over to the beach view.

"After that game, my mom told me she had found out she had cancer and it was bad. She told me there was nothing to do but to wait. My dad found us right around the time I first got invited to the national team. He would come around every few weeks, but when I got really bad he was around all the time. I think my mom wanted to make sure there was someone to look after me. He swore to her that he was a different person a responsible one and the thing he has regretted most in his life is leaving her.

He helped me fulfill her last wishes. She wanted to watch the ocean when she died. Bought a whole apartment building by the ocean just so she could have that.

I was with her when she passed away. My dad was out running errands or something, I don't think he could handle seeing her like that. But I was with her. I was sitting next to her bed, our hands intertwined looking out at this very view.I felt her hand slip out of mine and I knew she was gone."

"Oh Chris, I'm so sorry." Allie pulled me into her arms. I felt Alyssa and Ali join the group hug. They held onto me until I had my breathing under control.

"Where's this last place?" Alyssa asked first.

"That is the place my mom always wanted to go to. Whenever she was having a really tough day, we would try and imagine our perfect place.A place where everything could be like we wanted to be. This is the place that we decided would be perfect for the two of us. Where we think we could find our peace. And now that she left me and has gone to a better place, I hope that this is where she is right now. I hope she is sitting underneath the big willow tree picking flowers and making crowns and necklaces out of them overlooking the pond. I hope that she finally is in a place where she is finally peaceful like she deserved to be."

"Christen your mom seemed wonderful I am sure she is in a place exactly like this and I am sure she is really proud of you," Ali told me confidently.

"Thanks, Ali." A sad smile on my face now knowing that mom would be proud of me now that I am back playing soccer and I have these girls that are with me right

now.

"Are these random?" Allie asked looking back at the wall that has the door.

"No, they represent people. After my mom died I had to stay with my dad, but he is the CEO of his own company, the company is really successful and is in the middle of expanding a crossed the country. So for the past two years, I have been living just about everywhere in the US as possible. I think the longest I lived somewhere with my dadwas for 5 months inLA, where I grew up with my mom. I think he was too scared to move me so fast. He wasn't there a lot of that time though. Anyway, each object and each color represents people that I have left behind, people that I cared about. I never want to forget them so this is how I remember them."

Someone's phone dinged. It was Allies she reached in her pocket and pulled it out. Frowning at whatever it said.

"We have to leave for school now. Are you going to be okay to go?"Allie asked.

"I have to don't I. We have a game tonight and if I don't go to school I can't play."

"Okay if you're sure?" Alyssa asked one more time.

"I'm sure I will be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean to lie. I had to take care of my best friend. I'll post two tomorrow to make up for it.


	6. Part Six

Somehow Becky and Carli managed to get everyone dressed and the house looked spotless. Everyone got in the cars the came in Ali and Alyssa each driving their own and Alex the last car. I got in my own car. I was ready to drive off, but when I was closing the gate and I got back in my car there was someone in the passenger's seat.

"Ahh, what the hell Allie. You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry, it's just that Alex's car was too loud for me. You don't mind that I ride with you do you?"

"Of course not."

"Cool thanks." I got in and drove off following the other girls. Allie was messing with the radio until she found something that she likes. Singing along to it.

"You have a really nice voice," I told Allie.

"Thanks, I have always loved singing. I used to sing all the time, but I haven't really sung in a while."

"Why did you stop?"

"I, I used to do it with her." She whispered out. And they way she said it I know who she was talking about. Tobin.

"We used to get together just the two of us and sing. She was really good at it, better than I am. She even used to write her own songs. Some were serious and they were really good, but sometimes she would just sing whatever popped into her head. Everyone used to laugh because somehow she could make something as simple as tying her shoe into a catchy song."

"So you stopped singing because she used to sing?"

"No, I stopped singing because of how much it reminded me of her and because of how much it reminded everyone else of her. Especially Alex.

When you showed up all of us had just gotten over what she had done. Well as much as we possibly could. She tore our group up. Before we loved and trusted each other completely, but after what she did all of us became more cautious. We all kind of distanced ourselves from each other. We are starting to finally get our rhythm back now." I pulled into a spot in the parking lot just as she finished telling me this. Shutting the car off.

"I couldn't imagine what that time must have been like. To not be able to trust those closet to you." Before she could respond we heard the bell telling us to go to the class ring. We both got out of my car and started walking to class. Kelley finding us and was telling us a dumb joke that got both Allie and I laughing.

Then I saw Her. Sitting on the same curb that she had the day before. She was in the same clothes too. Had she not moved since yesterday? That's crazy right, of course, she moved. Kelley noticed I wasn't listening to her anymore and demanded my attention.

"Christen Press!" She shouted. At the announcement of my name Tobin's head snapped up and her eyes immediately found mine. She looked awful. Her hair was all clumped together, the face was red and blotchy, and her eyes were completely bloodshot. Somehow when she saw me her whole face contorted into pain and new tears started coming down her face.

My stomach dropped and I immediately felt like I was going to be sick. It has been easy to cut ties with Tobin at this point because in my head the girl that I hung out with every day after school and the girl they told me about were separate, but at this moment everything collided together. I was about to break down right there when I felt a hand intertwine with mine and an arm go around my shoulder. It was Kelley and Allie.

"Let's go to class Chris," Kelley demanded, squeezing my shoulder.

I tried to move but was stuck in place because Allie wasn't moving. She remained silent, she was staring at Tobin with an expression I really couldn't place. I didn't want to be here anymore so I squeezed her hand and she looked down at me and she nodded. Pulling me towards our class.

Once we got there Alex was outside the classroom talking to her boyfriend. Kelley, Allie, and I made our way into the classroom towards our group of seats. Kelley was about to sit in her regular sit next to me, but Allie stopped her.

"Can I sit by Chris today?"

Kelley must have known that we both needed to be by each other because for once she didn't argue. She just nodded her head and sat down in the seat in front of me. Alex came in soon after confused at first as to why Kelley was in Allie's spot, but she didn't ask questions once she saw the tears coming from my eyes and Allie still holding one of my hands.

More people started to walk in, and so I threw my hood over my head and put my head down on my desk to hide my face. I heard the teacher begin his lesson, but I was really not in the mood for math today. I was planning on staying like that the whole day until my teacher decided today to be a dick.

"Miss Press, if you could wake up from your nap and answer question 5 for me." He demanded. I raised my head off the desk. Looking up at the board, all of the numbers mixing in together.

"I don't know the answer."

"Well maybe if you paid more attention instead of taking naps in my class you would."

"I'm sorry Sir I am just not feeling very well."

"I don't need to hear your excuses, Miss Press. Next time pay attention and you might actually pass a test." That was a low blow. He just announced to the whole class that I was failing his class, and he did it with a smile on his face. The fucking asshole.

"Screw You," I whispered out.

"What was that Miss Press." He was daring me to repeat it. This time I stood up. Allie grabbing my hand, trying to pull me down back to my seat, but I shrugged off her hand.

"Screw You," I said loudly directly looking into his eyes. The smile finally falling off of his face.

"Principals' Office." He said quietly pointing to the door. I grabbed my stuff and made my way towards the door, throwing it open to only run into someone. Looking up, I saw the very last person I wanted to see. Tobin.

"Oh fucking great. Are you here to make things worse?" I yelled at her, still angry from what just happened in the classroom. She still looked terrible, before I could apologize for what I said Mr. W was there seeing why I was still there.

"Miss Heath, nice of you to finally join us, but it's too late, why don't you join Miss Press here on the way to the office and you can grab yourself a detention slip, I know you know where they are."

I hurriedly made my way towards the office, trying not to let Tobin have an opportunity to talk to me and make excuses. I really wasn't in the mood to hear them. I guess I wasn't walking as fast as I thought I was because I could hear her footsteps right behind me. What surprised me was she didn't try to say anything to me.

"What no excuses?" I asked while still walking forward.

"No, I don't have any excuses." She rasped out her voice much deeper than usual.

"Do I at least get an apology?"

"I don't know what I need to apologize for." She croaked out with some attitude. That is what did it. I stopped dead in my tracks right in front of the main office. I felt her stop behind me too. I whirled around and faced her.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You lied to me. Why wouldn't you need to apologize to me?"

"I never lied to, I never told you the full truth about my past, but I never lied to you."

"So you think because you kept things from me that doesn't count as deceiving me? I told you things about my life, that I haven't told anyone in years and you think you didn't lie to me because you just didn't tell me about the details of what you did. You are a fucking piece of work. "

"This is coming out wrong, I swear it is not like that. I know I hurt your feelings when you thought I lied to you, but I didn't tell you about what happened with Alex because I didn't know how you would take it. I wanted you to be able to trust me first before I told you what happened."

"You thought that if I fell for you I wouldn't care that you raped your best friend." She physically cringed away from me when I said this.

The bell rang and people were starting to swarm around us. The campus isn't very big, and so when Tobin looked back over her shoulder back the way we came, she could see the people coming towards us. I followed her gaze and saw Allie and Alyssa quickly spotting us and practically running over here.

"I promise it wasn't like that if you just gave me a chance to explain my side. Please just give me a chance. I really like you Chris and all those times after school, those were real. Let me explain." I was looking into her eyes and the eyes that were looking back at me, were the same ones that I would get lost in the everyday.

"I don't know Tobin."

"Please Chris, please meet me outside the old shed after your game today okay?" She looked back over her shoulder and saw that they were getting close. She looked back at me reaching a hand up to caress my face, but she stopped when I cringed away from her. Hurt flashed in her eyes. "I would never hurt you." She whispered out fiercely and then ran into the office.

Alyssa and Allie both appearing right in front of me. Alyssa just wrapped me in her arms as I silently cried. Allie was fuming. "Where the fuck did she go? I'll kick her ass if I ever see her hanging around you again."

"Are you okay Chris? Did she hurt you?" Alyssa asked more quietly.

"No, she didn't hurt me." The bell warning us we had two minutes to get to the next class rang. I unwrapped myself from Alyssa. "You guys need to go to class," I mumbled out.

"There's no way we are leaving you like this Chris," Allie said.

"You guys have to go to class, we have a game today, besides I still have to go to the principal's office, it's not like she can do anything to me in there." They both looked at me and then looked at each other silently communicating.

"Fine, but I want you to walk with someone from the team to each class and you are sitting with me today at lunch, you aren't going off by yourself like you normally do."

"Fine just go before you are late."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be afraid to let me know your thoughts on this story. It's already written, but if there's things about this story that you don't like or so want in to let me know! I'm not afraid to make some adjustments.


	7. Part Seven

I don't know how I managed it, but somehow I convinced the principal that I was sorry about what happened in class today and he believed me. He did however still have to punish me which I understood, but luckily sports are pretty important at this school and so I mentioned that I have a game tonight and he gave me detention tomorrow. He also gave me a pass to my next class so that I wouldn't get in more trouble.

The next classes I had I didn't really take the time to pay attention. I was too conflicted about what I was going to do. What could she possibly say that could get me to forgive her. What did she even have to explain? Should I give Tobin the chance to explain? Did she deserve it?

The girl who took advantage of her best friend, the girl who lied to all her friends tearing them apart that girl didn't deserve anything from me. But the girl that I knew or at least I thought I knew. Did she? The girl who stayed after school with me to help me with soccer, the girl who believed enough in me to help tutor me for hours sometimes, the girl who would have the habit to just hold my hand when she could tell I was frustrated, and the girl who would walk me to the gate every day and wrap me in a hug like that was the place she felt safe. Did that girl deserve a chance?

The rest of the day passed by in a blur. I didn't do much of anything. I wasn't really in the mood. At lunch, the whole soccer team came to the fountain to sit together.

Apparently it's a game day tradition. Everyone was having a good time laughing and talking, Kelley and Ali trying to get me in the conversations but gave up after a while. I just wanted to clear my mind so I sat back and drew in my notebook.

I finally broke out of my daze when it was time to get ready for our first game. I was early so even after putting my uniform on I climbed into the opening of my locker putting on my headphones and closing my eyes. Trying to focus on the game and not what I am going to after with Tobin. Nothing is going to stop me from soccer I promised my mom and that is what is important in my life.

I felt a hand brush against my knee and so I opened my eyes. Alyssa was standing in front of me with an eyebrow raised questioning. I pulled my headphones off.

"Yes?"

"Warm-up is in 5 minutes."

"Okay, I will be right out." She nodded her head and headed out. I noticed that the locker room was practically empty. Alex was still sitting in her locker with her eyes closed, but she didn't have headphones on and I thought I could hear someone in the bathroom. I decided that I should go tell Alex it's time to warm up.

"Hey, Alex?" She turned towards me and seemed upset about something. Her eyes were red and it looked like she was about to cry. "What's wrong?" I went up to sit on the bench in front of her locker, where she was sitting.

She locked eyes with me, pausing not saying a word. "They told you about what happened right? Wittthhh To.. with her" Tears forming in her eyes.

"Yes," I whispered out.

"This is going to be our first game, my first game without Her. And I know that I am not supposed to miss her after.... after everything that has happened, but she was my best friend. I have never played a game without her. How do I go out there and play alone?"

"Oh, Alex you won't be alone out there. You have the whole team behind you to backyou up and I will be next to you helping you on the top. Okay, Alex?" I wiped the tears from her cheek.

"Okay, thanks, Chris. By the way, I am sorry for how I have been acting towards you lately. I know I come off as bitchy, it's just I don't know how to let people in anymore."

"Thanks okay Alex. I understand. Now, what do you say we get out there and kick some ass."

"Let's go!" Alex and I ran out of the room. I was excited this was my first game in 2 years since my mom died. I was a little nervous, but mostly just ready to get back into what I love.

Alex and I were at the center circle, ready to start off the game. I looked up to size up our competition the girl closet to us was looking at me and smiling cockily. Well time to wipe that smile off her face. I looked back at Alex and nodded to her ready to go.

She passed the ball to me and I passed it back to Allie she gave it to Ali. I checked back for the ball, the girl who was smiling right behind me. Ali passing me back the ball. I dummied it and let it go through the defender behind my legs, turning quickly and catching up to the ball, tapping it around one defender and then passing it out to Pinoe. Pinoe easily made it around her defender and made her way down the sideline. I ran along the middle slightly behind Pinoe, I see Alex in front of me heading towards the near post, Pinoe made it to the corner and made eye contact with me at the top of the box and I pointed where I wanted it.

I looked up to see where Alex was while Pinoe crossed the ball in towards the front post. I ran into it and I saw the goalie moving towards it I got my head on it first and redirected it towards Alex where she volleys it in. 1-0. Alex came over and hugged me. "Thank you," she whispered in my ear.

The game went by in a breeze. We were obviously the better team. At the end of ninety minutes the game ended as 5-0, I had 2 goals and an assist. As the whistle blew, Alex came and jumped on top of me and I fell down to the ground with her. She was on top of me giggling, "Thank you for the great game. I couldn't have done it without you."

"Anytime Alex." Allie picked is both off of the ground and we all walked around the field high-fiving each other and talking. That is until the coach ordered us all to the locker room. She broke down the game saying how well we did, but there was still room for improvement and told us to hit the showers.

Once I was under the water and I started to come down from the high that playing in a soccer game gives me, I remembered the day I have had and I remembered I still had a decision to make. About Tobin. I had to make a decision once and for all. Do I trust Tobin?

I realized I was one of the last ones in the shower I got out and put on my sweats and brushing out my hair. I looked around and noticed that only a few people were still in the locker room. If I was going to do this, talk to Tobin the girls couldn't see me because they would never allow me to go. I quickly made my way to my locker and shoved all my stuff into my bag and put my headphones so people wouldn't ask me questions and made my way towards the exit.

Luckily no one was right outside the door, so it was easy enough to make it back out towards the field. There were a few people lingering around the stands still, so I walked around the back. In the distance, I saw her. She was pacing back and forth in front of the old shed that I think stored all of the lawnmowers and garden stuff. I was still a good enough distance from her when she looked up and saw me coming. Even from where I was standing I could see her smiling.

"Christen?" A voice called out from behind me. I whirled around to see who caught me. It was from Alex.

"Oh hey, Alex. What's up?"

"Well, I was talking with Serv, when I saw you sneaking around the bleachers. What are you doing?"

"I was um I thought I left something here the other day after practice when I put the balls away." I lied out, motioning towards the metal storage containers under the bleachers. But I could tell by the look on her face she didn't believe me. She looked around and she stopped looking around when she saw something behind me. She saw Tobin. Her eyes flashed towards me. Panic was clear a crossed her face.

"Youuu you can't talk to her." She managed to stutter out.

"I know I shouldn't Alex, I mean what she did to you was inexcusable, but she just wants to talk to me."

"You can't Christen," Alex whispered out.

"But I just... I need to talk to her." I whispered out. Looking down afraid and ashamed of what I was saying. I didn't know she had moved forward until I felt her hand slip into mine. She placed a hand in my cheek when my head snapped up to look at her beautiful blue eyes. Tears were flowing down both of our faces.

"Please don't," Alex whispered one more time pleading with me. I could see the desperation and pain in her eyes and I knew that I was partly the reasonthey were there and that killed me. I can't hurt her.

"Okay, Alex." She sighed out in relief when I gave into her. She tugged on my hand trying to get me to go back the other direction. Away from Tobin. She kept our hands interlocked as we started to walk away.

"Please don't take her away from me too Alex." A voice said from behind us. Both of us freezing because we both knew that voice so well, even though it was cracking in pain. We both turned around slowly, turning around to look at Tobin. Tobin was standing maybe 20 feet from both of us. She was crying hard.

"Please Alex," she pleaded with her. "I've lost so much already. Please I can't stand to lose anything or anyone else. She means a lot to me."

I was going to walk up to Tobin because I can't stand to see people in pain especially people I care about, but Alex pulled me back to her with the hand that was still attached to mine. Alex was looking at Tobin. She was thinking about something, considering it maybe.

"Chris you can't, you can't listen to her after everything that happened you can't pick her. You can't pick her over the team. You can't pick her over me." She told me while rubbing her thumb over the back of my hand.

I paused thinking about what she said and took the time to look at Tobin, but Alex was obviously upset that even me pausing when making a decision between her and Tobin seemed to be too much for her because she turns away from me and sprinted away. I sighed out knowing that I was messing everything up.

"I have to go after her," I told Tobin. I turned to chase after Alex.

"Chris, you can't trust her."

"And I can trust you?"

"You know me, Christen. You know who I am."

"I thought I knew you the girl that helped me with soccer, the girl who tutored me, the girl that would hold my hand when I get frustrated. I knew that girl. That girl I thought I like I thought I could trust, but the girl who doesn't take school seriously, the girl who is sleeping with all these people, the girl who lied to all her best friends, the girl who raped her best friend. I can't be with that girl. I can't trust that girl I can't choose that girl over everyone else."

"And what if the real me was the girl that you did trust? Could we be friends then?"

"I don't think you ever could be that girl, Tobin."

"I'm not going to give up Christen. I want you to be able to believe me when I tell you the truth I want you to trust me over whatever one else to say so until then I'll prove to you I'm worth it worth your trust that I'm someone you can be proud of."


	8. Part Eight

From that day on my life was different. I was more social than normal. The girls really including me into the group and I let them. We hung out all the time now the whole soccer team really came back together. They didn't split up at lunch like they normally do, instead, all the other girls came to the fountain that I ate at before. I became a lot closer with some of those girls like JJ, Kelley, and surprisingly Alex.

She dropped her bitchy persona and just is a really cool girl. We talked a lot more in class and outside of class. I actually found out that we were didn't have that much in common but we somehow clicked.Alex and Allie and I would go out to the diner once a week just to hang out together. But sometimes despite Alex having a boyfriend I could swear she was flirting with me. She would just find excuses to touch my arm or she likes to walk me to class after our first period together and she likes to text me all the time. It's confusing as hell. And of course, I think she is beautiful I mean who wouldn't, but there's always something off when I am with her.

Soccer has been great, we are undefeated. No one around has been able to challenge the team. I was having a great season averaging at least 2 goals and 2 assist a game. A few scouts have come out scoping more than just one of us out. I was excited about the Stanford one and he seemed to take a liking to me. There had also been a national team scout that I knew before and he told me I might be getting an invitation again soon.

Now that I wasn't keeping anything from Ali, Allie, and Alyssa they became my family. I was never alone anymore. Someone was always with me at school, walking me to class, at practice, and they spent the night at my house a lot when they found out my dad is never home. My dad has only been home maybe a week total since living here for two months and of course, I miss him but I was okay that he was away for so long because that meant he still had work to do here. Which means I can stay here longer.

Despite having the most people around me who care about me in a while, I often found myself missing Tobin. I didn't know what to expect from Tobin. She said she was going to get me to trust her, but I still had no idea what that would even entail.

At first, I didn't notice any differences, other than the obvious ones like we don't talk to each other after practice anymore then I started to pay more attention. She was never late to class anymore and she sat up and actually paid attention. I saw her taking notes and this seriously confused me for a couple of days because I know she doesn't need the notes. Until the next day, I open my locker and there was a paper in there with a familiar scrawl. It said:

Chris,

I know you aren't ready to talk yet, but I couldn't let you fall behind in class. I hope these notes help. Whenever you are ready I would love nothing more than to help tutor you again. If not please don't let me stop you from getting help. I know Alyssa is good at math too and I think you are good friends with her so ask her okay? I miss you more and more every day. I miss everything about you, but I miss just sitting with you and talking with you the most.

-T

Along with that message was detailed notes that broke everything down to the simplest form and each step had directions and explanations along with it. Every day after the first period there would be notes in my locker explaining what just happened in class and somehow she managed to help me in all of my classes, despite not being in any of them with me. I honestly didn't understand how she does it. Without her, I defiantly wouldn't be passing my classes.

I also began to notice that I didn't see her around campus as much anymore. I used to see her everywhere talking with everyone being social, but now I don't see her very often. The times I have seen her she has been alone. Sometimes I have seen her with a book, once I saw her just taking a nap out on a bench in the parking lot, but I often see her with a guitar strumming and humming to herself. The girl that I have been seeing at school lately was definitely closer to the girl who I had cared for and I missed her so much, but I still didn't know if it was worth it. If it's worth talking to her and losing everyone else. I still didn't know how I could trust her.

It was about 3 months since I have arrived at the school and it was currently Christmas break. We even had a week off of soccer and so most of the girls were going out on vacation, while surprise surprise I was left home alone again. My dad says he is going to be home for Christmas but I seriously doubt it.

Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. Despite not having any money growing up my mom would still manage to get me a gift every year, and it was always the perfect gift for me. But that's not what I truly cared about, what made each year special was that the night before we would bake cookies together and she would tell me a story that she would make up off the top of her head. When I was little they used to be about princesses who would get saved by a prince, when I got a little older she changed it to superheroes and spies. As soon as she saw I had talent drawing she would ask me to paint or draw a picture that went along with the story. The last story she told me was about a girl who worked really hard to become a professional soccer player. Saying that one day she knows that I will have a great story to tell because I am going to be someone who has lived life.

My mom was my best friend. We always would tell each other anything and we were together as much as possible. We even had to share a bed in our one-bedroom apartment for practically my whole life. And since the day she died, I have dreams of some of the good times I had with my mom and then I will have nightmares ofmy mom dying. It kills me every time when I wake up now I'm an empty bed without her and knowing that those nightmares are my real life. It always throws me into a depression. I have trouble sleeping, eating, and just doing anything really.

Today was one of those very bad days for me and so I decided to go out to try and get all my emotions out. I always found it was better to keep myself as busy as possible to keep my mind off of things and to tire myself out so that I will just pass out instead of staying up worrying or having more nightmares.

Somehow I subconsciously drove to the school. I hopped the fence and pulled my backpack off and pulled out my soccer ball. Even taking shot after shot for what must have been a few hours I still couldn't distract my mind. I broke down on the field where I was and just started to cry.

And because it's me and my luck it started to pour rain. I was soaked within seconds but I couldn't care less I laid down and just let the rain hit me. I must have been way too exhausted from not sleeping the night before and from the hours of physical activity I have done because before I knew it I had fallen asleep.

When I came back into consciousness I thought it must have been a dream, me coming to campus and shooting around because I could feel that I was laying on a mat of some kind with a few blankets wrapped around me. I must be in my room or somewhere in my house. I snuggled closer into the blanket enjoying the smell when I heard a voice.

Someone was singing and it was beautiful. I couldn't tell what song it was, but the voice that was singing it sang it like she believed every word she was singing. I sat up and looked around the room and noticed I was in a shed of sorts, with few tractors and gardening equipment surrounding me, but I was alone. Where the hell was I and how did I get here?

I looked at my watch and checked what time it was and I realized I had been sleeping for a good couple of hours. I shot up immediately and started to make my way to the door. I opened the door and sitting on the ground right outside was Tobin. Did she move me while I was sleeping? How did I not notice that? What else did she do to me?

"What did you do?" I asked her deciding to get some answers.

She jumped up in surprise at the sound of my voice. Putting her hands up. Backing slightly away from me.

"I didn't do anything. Like I told you before I would never hurt you, Chris." She said sincerely.

"You moved me while I was asleep."

"I saw you laying out on the field in the rain and at first I thought you were just laying there, but when you didn't move after a certain amount of time I knew you had fallen asleep. I didn't want you to get sick so I moved you to the shed. I swear I didn't do anything else I stayed outside the whole time because I didn't want to give you the wrong idea. I'm sorry if I scared you."

I noticed her appearance now and despite it not raining anymore she was soaked still her teeth chattering. She had obviously been outside like she had said, but still who moves people while they are asleep. And how did she even get into the shed?

"Why didn't you just wake me up?"

"You looked to peacefully. Plus no offense, but it really looked like you could use the sleep." She admitted.

"How did you get into the shed?"

"I cut the grass for the school so I have a key to all the gates and to the shed." She explained.

"And the blankets?"

"I sleep in the shed sometimes." She whispered. And I could picture her doing that ditching class and sneaking in there to take a nap. "I'm sorry if I scared you, I just really didn't want you to get sick and you seemed upset about something and so I didn't want to wake you up and upset you more."

"Okay, I believe you, but I need to go home."I started to walk away from her before I made a stupid decision and let her suck me in more.

"I miss you all the time Chris." She whispered out and I stopped walking but didn't turn back around. "You were right about me not being a good person all the time I am trying really hard to be a better person for you. I got to class all the time now, I actually pay attention in class, and I stopped sleeping around and talking to everyone who was bad for me. I just want to know that I am trying to be the person that I was with you all the time and whenever you are ready I hope we can start over from the beginning so you know that I am who I say I am." I paused for a few minutes seriously deliberating what I was going to do.

"I never said you had to stop talking to your friends."

"Those people were never my friends." She said with a certain edge to her voice. I turned around to see the expression on her face and her teeth were clenched and her eyes were blazing. She obviously meant what she said and that made the decision for me.

I stuck out my hand. "Hello, I am Christen Press. And you are?" I saw the confusion on her face and then she understood and one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen appeared on her face.

"Hi Christen, it's nice to meet you I'm Tobin Heath." She shook my hand, but she didn't release it right away she just held on for a few more seconds.

"Well, Tobin Heath care to walk me to my car."

"It would be my pleasure ." She let go of my hand go as soon as we started to walk, and I was both relieved and sad about this. I have really missed her, and the causal physical contact used to be a real comfort to me, but now all it does is remind me of her past and how this probably isn't a good idea. We walked to the parking lot. She paused when she got to what had to be my car because there was no other vehicle in sight.

"How is this your car?" She asked out quietly.

"Yeah, how did you not know everyone has been talking about me behind my back since I came to the school." Thinking about everyone who has come up to me trying to be my friend and trying to drive my car or see my house.

"I don't listen to what people say behind other people's backs. " She said suddenly serious. I didn't know how to respond to her response so I just pulled my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the car. She opened my door for me and I climbed in I rolled down my window to say goodbye.

"Bye Tobin."

"Goodbye Christen Press, it was very nice to meet you." She bowed and walked away with a wink in my direction and a smile on her face.

After pulling out of my spot and then the parking lot, I started to make my way back towards my house passing the field. I was at a stop sign when I noticed a familiar figure walking towards the shed and heading inside. Curious I waited a few minutes, but she never came back out. I drive off, maybe she had some work or something to do.

When I went to sleep that night, despite how most of the day went I had a smile on my face and I fell to sleep right away.


	9. Part Nine

It was the day after Christmas. I was planning on sleeping in until the phone kept ringing and I had to answer it. I rolled over in bed and reached for my phone without opening my eyes answering it.

"Hello?" I mumbled out.

"Is this Christen Press?" A familiar man's voice asked.

"Yeah who is this?"

"This is Michael Scott, we have met a couple of times. I am one of the scouts for the US national team and I am happy to tell you that we would love for you to come to the next camp." I shot out of bed immediately awake.

"Are you serious?!?" I shouted. He laughed.

"Yes, Miss Press I am serious. Does this mean you are accepting the invitation?"

"I mean of course I would love to go. When is it exactly?"

"Well this camp is taking place in New Jersey and it starts on the 28th so you would have to leave tomorrow. I know that is weird to have a camp during the holiday season, but there are a few days of practice and then there is a New Year's tournament that is going to happen. Is that okay with you?"

"Oh my gosh yes I would love you play for the US no matter the day."

"Well okay. " He chuckled. "Since it is a holiday, each athlete is able to bring a family member or a friend along with them. You just have to let me know who by the end of the day so I can put their name on the ticket."

"Okay thank you I will let you know by tonight."

"Okay, I will let you know the rest of the details then, Bye Miss Press."

"Bye."

I decided it was probably time that I got ready for the day. Besides I was way too hyped after that call to go back to sleep. I hopped in the shower and started thinking about who I could possibly take. My father is out of the question. A friend then maybe, but who could I possibly bring? Who would even want to go? Who was even here for me right now? Alyssa, Allie, and Ali are all out of town. Alex is having her family over and is way to busy. JJ was going to be meeting her boyfriend's family so she isn't an option. Kelley was planning on throwing her own party.

And this makes them sound like they didn't care about me but the truth is I didn't tell them that I was going to be alone this holiday season because I know pretty much any one of them would drop everything and come with me, but I didn't want to do that to them. Besides then I would have to admit to them that I didn't have anyone to be with me on the holidays and that is super depressing. I don't want to have to practically beg someone to care about me, they have their own lives to live.

I finished up in the shower and threw on some layers of my comfy sweats because it was cold out there and I didn't really feel like getting ready today and headed down to the kitchen to make some breakfast. When I opened the fridge I realized I didn't have any food. Sighing out I grabbed my wallet and my keys and jumped into my car and drove off. I need to go shopping not just for groceries for at least today and tomorrow, but for presents for my friends and now some supplies for camp. We are going to do a team gift exchange when everyone gets back. Also, why not go shopping, I am bored around the house and might as well spend a bunch of the money my dad thinks will make up for him not being around all the time.

Getting to the packed mall parking lot I shut off my car and practically ran inside, it was freezing outside like I thought it was going to be. I walked around aimlessly for a while until I reached a cafe and I rememberedhow hungry I was. Sitting down and having a coffee and a scone, I started to think about camp again.

Maybe I should just go alone, it wouldn't be that bad right? I mean I have gone alone plenty of times before, and when I was a lot younger. My mom was never really able to go with me because she had to work. Would this time be any different? I already knew the answer to that. Of course, it would be different because this time, there isn't anyone cheering for me at home, waiting to tell me how proud they are of me, and how much they love me.

Frustrated at getting myself into a dark mood, I decided I needed to start walking around the mall again to distract myself, but when I went to walk out the door of the coffee place I ran into someone. I started to fall and I felt arms going around me, trying to catch me but we both fell onto the ground.

"Oh my gosh I am so sorry are you alright?" I asked out before even looking up at who it was.

"I mean I already knew people fell for me all the time, but you are the first to take me with them in a while Christen Press." Tobin joked around with me and I could tell without even looking up there was a smirk on her face. Suddenly I was nervous. I felt myself blushing at her words knowing that she was right I was falling for her and I knew practically nothing about her. That's not true I know the bad things that have happened.

She stood up and reached down extending a hand down to pull me up. With my own thoughts echoing around in my head about her bad things I stood up on my own refusing her outreached hand. I saw the hurt in her eyes when I didn't take her hand and I immediately felt sorry. "Sorry for running into you, I wasn't paying attention where I was going," I mumbled out.

"It's okay Chris, it was probably my fault anyway I have been out of it lately. I haven't really been sleeping well. What brings you to the mall today?" She asked less enthusiastic as a few seconds ago.

"Shopping," I replied quietly still nervous about being around her, half because I was still nervous about her past and half because I was afraid of looking like an idiot in front of her. Not realizing how snarky my answer seemed until she giggled at me.

" Well, obviously you are shopping. Anything specific?" She asked with a smile on her face now. Her mood picking back up a little.

"Not really, I need to go grocery shopping, but I also need to find presents for some of the girls. I don't know which one I want to do first, I have a list and everything for what groceries I need, but it's so boring I don't want to do it and me kind of have an idea about what I am going to get the girls, but I don't know yet I am not sure I mean this is my first Christmas with them and I haven't known them long and I just don't know what they like for sure and..." I started to ramble because of how nervous I was.

"Woah Woah slow down there Chris. Let's walk okay?" She motioned down the pathway of the stores. I nodded knowing that was good for me because I would have an excuse not to look at her face because every time I looked at her I got more and more nervous. After a few steps, she started talking.

"I can't really help you with making grocery shopping fun, except to tell you don't ever let anyone stop you from rolling around in a cart if you don't want to." She jokes again with me and I could picture her doing that flying down the aisles on the back of a cart crashing into things and trying to Put then back to no success and her just running away.

"What is your plan for the girls if you don't mind me asking?"

"Well, I don't know I just had this idea. We practically already know that we are going to make it to states and all of us really wanted to get a bus to take us to away games and road trip it together instead of taking different cars, but since the guys are making it too they get the bus over us and since there is only one bus we are stuck busless. So I had an idea to rent a bus for the team. What do you think?"

"You want to rent a bus for the team, so you could all be together on away trips?" She asked

"Well yeah, I thought it could be a possibility. I mean I have all this money just lying around. I am not used to having money and why not put it to good use?"

"You have enough money lying around to rent a charter bus?" She asked quietly and she stopped walking.

"Well, my dad does." I stopped and turned around so I was facing her. She was looking down at the ground thinking. She looked up at me after a while and she looked upset about something.

"I have to go." She spits out quickly. Turning away from me and starting to walk away. I suddenly felt my stomach drop. She was leaving so soon? Was it something I said?

"Wait," I whispered out not really thinking she could hear me but she did. Because she stopped walking and turned and faced me. She was looking down at the ground between us instead of my eyes, but I could see her eyes were red and she was going to start crying. "Please don't go so soon." I pleaded with her.

"I-I have to go home." She told me and she walked away. I stood in the same spot for a while in shock. What did I say to upset her so much? I don't understand what had just happened.

After a while, I gave up trying to go over and over in my head all that was said between the two of us and I made my way to the grocery store and got everything that was on my list and a few more fatty things that weren't because I was not in a good mood and I need something to cheer me up from my last interaction from Tobin.

I must have been going at a lot slower pace then I thought because by the time I had gone through the checkout with the bags in my hand it was 4 hours from when I arrived at the mall. Not really paying attention I exited out from the grocery store and realized that I parked on the whole other side of the mall. It was freezing outside like it was more than likely to be a white Christmas this year, but for some reason, I decided to walk around the mall in the cold back to my car.

With my car finally in view, the way in the back of the parking lot, I started to pick up my pace. I quickly made one last detour to throw out my gum, before getting in my car when I recognized the figure hunched over on the ledge of the plant area. Her knees were up against her chest and her arms were locked around them moving up and down. I could see even from where I was standing her whole body was shaking. Of course, she was cold she was in jeans and a light sweatshirt.

"Tobin?" Her head snapped up at hearing her name and her eyes locked on mine. I could see her eyes were red and bloodshot like she had been crying.

"Chris?"

"What are you doing out here in the cold? You said you were going home." Her eyes dropped from mine and she wrapped her arms around legs tighter and dipping her head down to hide her face. I went and sat right next to her.

"Tobin? What's wrong? Is it something I said before, I'm really sorry if I said something wrong." For some reason, my apologizing made things worse because now she was practically sobbing. It took her a few minutes to calm down enough to even speak.

"Of course it's not you. You have nothing to apologize for." She chattered out.

"It's freezing out here. Why don't you go inside? Or go home like you said you were."

"I-I couldn't" she stuttered out.

"Do you need a ride? My car is just right over there. I could drive you. " I pointed in the direction. She looked down ashamed.

"I don't have anywhere to go." She whispered out so quietly that I barely heard.

"Well, that's silly. You are coming with me then." I stood up and started to walk off but I could tell she wasn't following. I turned around and gave her a stern stare and motioned for her to come, and after a few seconds, she must have known I wouldn't take no as an answer. "Its absolutely freezing out here why didn't you at least stay inside?" I said as we walked side by side towards my car.

"I'm not technically allowed in there anymore." She whispered out again. I was confused at her words why wouldn't she be allowed in there? I started my car from a few feet away.

"You can go ahead and get in and turn the heat up." I went around to the back and put the bags in the back. When I went to open my door I saw Tobin still hasn't gotten in my car.

"Get in the car Tobin." She looked at me her teeth chattering and she was visibly shaking.She sighed and opened the door and climbed in. I shrugged off my jacket, my gloves, and my beanie and got in the car. I threw my jacket and stuff at

Tobin. "Put them on."

I turned the air up all the way up and to the hottest, it could go. I looked over at her after stopping at the red light just down the road to see Tobin in my clothes sinking into the seat she had finally stopped shaking. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was slightly open, her breath coming out slowly, she was asleep.


	10. Part Ten

I made sure to pull as close as possible to the door in the garage because I know it was going to be freezing in there too and my warm clothes were being occupied right now. I turned off my car and turned to look over at Tobin. She was still asleep and I know it was probably creepy, but I took the time to study her face. Her skin tone was a beautiful tan color even though it was December, and had freckles on her face, she had a killer jawline, her eyelashes were so long they were resting on the skin below her eyes, she was beautiful.

Maybe it was because I have never been able to look at her this long before without getting caught, but for the first time, I saw past all her beauty. She looked a lot less intimidating when she was asleep, she wasn't exuding confidence like she usually is awake. Somehow she looked smaller, younger, more fragile. For the first time I saw how worn her clothes were, I saw the deep bags under her eyes, I saw scars on her face. One going right through her right eyebrow and the other on her upper lip on the left side and her nose were slightly crooked.

This only reminded me there is a lot to Tobin Heath that I don't know. I realized now that all the time we spent together before we never really got to know what really matters to each other. I never really told her about my past and she obviously never told me about hers. I think we both almost used each other to forget about the past, we were good at talking about stuff that didn't matter.

But I think the real question is am I ready to get to know that Tobin? The fragile Tobin that I am seeing now, the imperfect one? I looked at the clock on my dashboard and I realized that I have wasted way too much time, I needed to pack. I leave for camp tomorrow.

"Tobin," I whispered out. "Tobin I need you to wake up now." She still didn't wake up, instead, she actually curled more into a ball and turned away from me. I got out of my car and went around the back of my car, grabbing the bags and bringing them inside. I propped the garage door open and made my way to the passenger's side of my car. I opened the door carefully, I reached around her and unbuckled her seat belt, and then pulling her into my arms.

I started to carry her bridal style inside. She was still asleep, but she wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her head into the side of my neck. As carefully as possible, I brought her to my room, put her on my bed, which I luckily I didn't make this morning, took off her shoes, and tucked her in under the covers. She snuggled right into my blankets and hugging them close to her.

I went down to the kitchen and started to prepare dinner. I pulled out the crockpot and all the ingredients I had just gotten at the store. When everything was all set up and in the crockpot like my mother used to do I headed back to my room. Tobin was still passed out on my bed, but now she was koalaing the pillow that I usually use, she looked adorable.

I quickly got to work making a list of all the stuff I needed first and then I started to gather everything. I was sitting on the floor in front of my closet, folding a shirt when I heard tussling on the bed.

Tobin was flopping around on the bed and whispering something in her sleep and then she let out a shriek and shot up sitting up in the bed her eyes wide open. She was breathing hard and frantically looking around the room. I stood up and her eyes immediately found me and she calmed down some.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to freak you out, you just looked too peaceful to wake up," I mumbled out.

"You didn't freak me out, I just have nightmares." She looked down like she was ashamed of this.

"I have nightmares too, Tobin."

Her head snapped up to look at me, "really?" She questioned.

"Yeah more often than not."

"How long was I asleep?"

I looked down at my watch. "About two hours."

"Oh man, I am so sorry Chris I didn't mean to fall asleep, I will just leave now." She started to get out of my bed looking for her shoes.

"You could stay," I whispered looking down at my feet worried about the response. But I didn't really know if I was more worried if she would say no or if she would say yes. She didn't answer for a while. "I am making dinner," I added not sure if this helps or hurts.

"Well, it does smell too good to pass up." I looked up at her now a smile on my face and she reciprocated.

"Okay, it should be ready soon. I just need to put a few things together."

I was about to leave the room when she whispered out, "Do you think I could use your bathroom?" She was looking down at the ground almost as if she was ashamed of what she was asking.

"Oh yeah of course. How dumb of me. It's the room right a crossed from here. Do you want to take a shower?" She paused I could see her debating.

"Yes please."

"Okay hang on I will find you some clothes to change into." I dug through my almost empty drawers now trying to figure out what she could wear that I wouldn't need. I found some old soccer sweats and an old shirt that I used to paint in. I handed her the clothes. "Sorry, they are all I have available right now." I motioned to my suitcase explaining. "There are towels in the cabinet in there and you can use my shampoo and stuff if you want it's already in there too."

"Thank you." She mumbled out. I nodded my head and left my room and headed to the kitchen.

I pulled out my phone I had some phone calls to make. First I called the recruiter.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Mr.Scott this is Christen Press."

"Oh, right I was just about to call you now too. So did you make a decision on who will be attending the camp with you?"

"Yes, actually I will be attending by myself."

"Are you sure? Considering you are 18 already you could bring a friend it doesn't have to be an adult." I went over who could possibly come with me again. My thoughts flickered to Tobin for a second. But of course, I couldn't bring her with me.

"Yes, I am sure."

"Well okay then, I will email you your flight information within the hour. Good luck Miss Press and have a lovely New Year."

"You too," I whispered out just before he hung up.

Two more phone calls to make. Better save the one I am dreading for last. I dialed the second number.

"Press? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, coach everything is great even, sorry to call you this late. I just needed to let you know that I will be missing some soccer because I got invited to the youth national camp."

"Oh, Christen that's fantastic! You absolutely deserve it. When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow actually, and I won't be back until the 5th right before school starts, so I will be missing some practice, but I can be back before the next game."

"Press, don't worry about practice, you are going to be at the youth national camp. I think that is going to be practice enough. Besides my practices are never enough for you anyway. " she said referring to how I always stay after to work more.

"Thanks, coach."

"Kickass out there Press." Coach W said before she hung up.

Well, that went better than expected. One last call to make. The one that I was most nervous about. The phone was ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dad."

"Oh hey, Christen. Sorry, I haven't called you in a couple of days it's been pretty crazy around here. Lots of paperwork and stuff to handle. How is everything over there?"

"It's all good dad. Actually I umm I got invited to the youth national team camp." I mumbled out. I heard shuffling on the other side of the line.

"Mmmm that's good honey. " He mumbled out obviously wasn't listening to what I just said. He doesn't even care enough about me to pay attention when we were on the phone together.

"Are you coming home anytime soon?" I asked him. Wondering if I even need to tell him I was going to be gone.

"Wellno, I have to stay here for at least another two weeks, it's an absolute mess around here. I have to keep putting out other people's fires. Actually speaking of fires, I have another call coming in can I call you tomorrow instead?"

"Umm yeah sure dad...." I mumbled out. I should try one more time, shouldn't I?

"But I have....." He cut me off before I could tell him.

"Great, bye Chris." And with that, my dad hung up on me. I slide down to the floor of the kitchen and rested my back against the cabinets of the island.

Breath Christen just focuses on your breathing. It wasn't that bad. Yes, you don't really get to tell him that your dreams are coming true, but he actually answered his phone this time and he talked for a few minutes. It's okay, everything is okay.

Don't cry over this, it's not worth it.

But no matter what I told myself I still felt a tear or two slipping out and so I stood up and wiped them away. Deciding I need a distraction. I put two bowls on the counter and put the finishing touches on the chili Verde and was heating up some tortillas on the stove when I heard footsteps coming towards me.

"It smells so good Chris." A voice said from behind me. I had almost forgotten Tobin was here. Almost. I took a second to make sure I was fully composed before I responded to here.

"Well, I hope you are hungry because we have to eat all of this by tonight."

"Challenge accepted," I could practically hear the cocky smirk on her face. I turned around to see Tobin sitting on the stool chair in front of one of the plates.

As soon as I turned around, her eyes immediately flew up to mine and where that smirk was on her face just like I knew it would be a frown appeared.

"What's wrong?" She asked me. Obviously concerned.

"Nothing is wrong," I answered quickly not wanting to get into all my problems right now.

"Chris, your eyes are red like you were just crying. What happened?"

"I really don't want to get into it right now okay Tobin?" I told her a little too harshly but truthfully. Now was definitely not the time for me to tell her how messed up my life truly is. She just nodded in return surprised by my tone.

I brought the crockpot over and the tortillas and as soon as the food was in her bowl she started devouring it. Not even pausing to make conversation which I was okay with. I didn't really know how to talk to her anymore. But it did give me time to think about how much she has changed over the past weeks and how much she has helped me. She went back for bowl after bowl until it was gone.

She sat back in her stool rubbing her belly with her eyes closed contently. "Chris that was the best food I have eaten in a while."

"Thanks," I mumbled embarrassed. It was quiet for a few seconds. "Hey, Tobin?"

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say thank you for all the notes. They have really been helping me, I'm actually passing math with a C now and all my other classes I have B's."

"It's no problem Chris, I just wanted to help you out. I could start tutoring you in person again if you want?" She looked over at me hopeful her hand getting closer to mine until it was resting right next to mine.

"I guess that would be alright," I said with a small smile on my face.

"Great!" I looked over and she had a megawatt smile on hers, but when she tried to put her hand on mine, my fears overcame me and I pulled away. I stood up really quickly, moving to the sink grabbing my bowl and hers. Actively ignoring her face. I know I hurt her feelings every time I reject her, but I am still unsure. It was quiet for a while only the sound of water filling the silence. As soon as the water turned off, she asked me a question.

"You were packing?" She asked. I finally looked up to her face and her eyebrow was arched questioning a frown on her face.

"Yeah, I actually got invited to go to the youth national camp. I am supposed to leave tomorrow."

"Woah, Chris. That's a big deal. I'm so proud of you, you definitely deserve it. You work harder than anyone I have ever met. You are going to do wonderful there. "

My heart swelled as she said those words, especially after what had just happened with my dad. I looked up at her and she had a smile on her face, but her eyes were a little red. "I thought you were leaving for good, and I was freaking out for a second."

"No, I will only be gone for a couple of weeks."

"You are going to be back for school than?"

"Sadly yes."

"Oh come on school isn't that bad, especially now that I am your tutor again." She said with a wink in my direction. I blushed knowing how true her words were. She looked down at her watch and stood up slowly stretching.

"Well I should probably go now, I have imposed on you for too long." She said walking to the door.

"Where are you going?" I asked confused, I thought she was staying.

"Ummm I am leaving," she answered like it should have been obvious. Does this mean she didn't want to stay with me? I felt my eyes start to tear up I know I am overreacting, but the phone call with my dad really upset me and I can't stand if Tobin leaves right now too.

I saw her face become overcome with worry as I now was sobbing. "What's wrong Chris, what did I do wrong?" She asked moving closer back to me and away from the door.

"Why?" I couldn't help but ask, or more like sob out.

"Why what Chris?"

"Why don't you want to stay here, stay with me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post three today. I like ending on an even number. I hope you liked this chapter. It gave some more more details on Christen's life and moved her realthionship with Tobin forward a little.


	11. Part Eleven

"Do you actually have somewhere to stay?" I asked quietly, knowing questions like that we both actively avoid.

"Its okay Chris I always find somewhere to go." She mumbled out.

"That's silly, just stay here Tobin."

"I can't Chris."

"Why not?"

"You have already done too much for me today Chris. I don't want to use you. I am tired of using people and I care too much about you to do that to do too." She said passionately. I thought about what she was saying and how truthful she was being with me. So I decided to be as truthful as her.

"You aren't using me, Tobin, I am happy to do this stuff for you. Remember I am the one offering all this your not asking so why do you think that you are using me?"

"Because that's what I do I use people."

"Don't you see that I am using you too that so need you too. You are the first person that I have talked to in person in days. I don't want to sleep in this big house all by myself again, and I don't want to wake up by myself, and I don't want to leave tomorrow with no one to say goodbye to." I admitted still really upset about everything that had happened with my father with tears in my eyes.

"Oh, Chris."She walked over to me quickly with her arms open like she was going to hug me, but she stopped a foot away from me, "Can I please hug you?" I just nodded my head not trusting my voice. She wrapped her strong arms around me.

I have been scared that now that I know about her past, about what she did to Alex if I would still find comfort in her physical contact and to my own surprise I relaxed into her embrace. Pulling her as close to me as possible, missing the feeling of her being this close to me. Missing the warmth she radiates, missing her smell, missing how safe I have always felt around her.

She pulled back slightly, but she kept her arms around me. She looked me in the eyes and said"I promise I will always be there for you if you want me to be. I will do anything for you. Do you believe me when I say that? Do you trust me?" I studied her face for a while.

Do I finally trust her? This girl that was in my arms now, she hasn't done anything to hurt me. In fact, everything she has done, tutoring me, helping me with soccer, giving me space, making better decisions in her life has been to benefit me. All she has done is prove to me that she does care about me, which means she would never hurt me right? I know she wouldn't hurt me physically, because let's face it she has had a plethora of opportunities and she hasn't done anything, but what about emotionally?

Ever since I have known her she has been with so many people that I have lost track. Could I trust her, to ever just be with me? That I could ever be enough for her? And what if I lose everything else, everyone else. All the girls hate her and what if they never give her a second chance and what if I lose all of them?

"Chris if you aren't ready to make a final decision yet then you don't trust me completely and with what you have heard I can understand that and there is nothing I want more than to change your mind, but in order for me to explain I need you to trust me completely. To trust with me without a doubt in your mind because if you have any doubts about who I truly am you won't believe me what I tell you."

"Okay Tobin, thanks for understanding. I want you to know though that I am trying to trust, I want to, but sometimes I just can't get out of my head. "

"Can you at least believe me right now when I tell you that I never ever would cause you to harm on purpose?" She asked hopeful and while looking up into her eyes and seeing the sincerity in them I knew that I did trust that. I did trust that she wouldn't hurt me.

"I believe that you wouldn't purposely cause me harm," I assured her that much I was sure of.

"Oh thank god." She said tightening her hold on me. " I have missed being this close to you. " Before letting go, "I think someone needs to finish packing."

We both made our way to my room and she sat on my bed while I packed. We got back to the easy conversations that we used to have. Not about anything to serious which we both knew we should, but I know at least on my part I just wanted to enjoy her company before we are going to be apart for weeks again.

I thought that she was just sitting on my bed but I saw her just looking intensely around my room. She got off my bed and she made her way over to each of my walls, looking at them, well more like examining them. Every so often she would run her hands over a certain pattern. She looked over at me when she felt her eyes on me and she smiled.

"You know you are really talented." She told me.

"At packing?" I asked laughing trying to distract her. I don't really like talking about my drawings, because of why I do them and what they mean.

"That too, but no I mean you are a really good artist." She moved to the last wall, which was the one with all the different pictures. "They mean something to you." She said not really asking me. Knowing enough about me to know that I don't really do things lightly.

But I still answered her. "Yes, the stuff I paint or draw usually means something to me."

"Usually?"

"I usually copy something or come up with something to represent things that mean a lot to me."

"Can you tell me about them?"

"I will one day but not right now," I responded not wanting to ruin what was left of my time with her. She just nodded as easy going as ever.

"Do you think I could ever make the wall?" She motioned to the fourth that she was standing in front of. The wall that has all the random drawings that represent all the people who I have left or have left me.

"I hope not," I told her truthfully, thinking about how much I already care for her and how much pain I would be in if she wasn't in my life anymore. I turned to her and saw she looked sad and I realized why she would have taken it the wrong way.

She thought that she didn't mean anything to me, that I didn't care enough abouther to draw her. "Oh no Tobin, that's not what I meant. That wall is for those who are no longer with me, they are all the people who I have left and have left me, they are the ones who have caused me pain and I have caused them pain. So no, I hope you never make it onto the wall.

A smile now on her face and moved over to where I was standing to grab my hand and intertwine our fingers. "I thought we just talked about this I promise I'm not going to hurt you."

"Well people can't always keep their promises. No matter how much they want to."

I looked away from her to the picture of the beach. Thinking of my mom and all the times she told me she would always be there for me.

"That's true, people don't always keep their promises and I know how that feels, so believe me when I tell you I know what a promise actually means and I won't use that word if I don't mean it. But I do mean this Chris. I promise I care about you and I promise I would never knowingly cause you any harm." She moved her other hand to hold my chin so that she was making sure I was looking into her eyes.

"There is one condition though," she continued. "you have to promise me that if you ever decide that you can't care about me, if you decided that I'm not worth it, you have to at least tell me first, you can't just talk to me okay?"

I looked down knowing exactly what she was talking about. If I ever had to choose between her and the team and I chose the team I would have to at least talk to her about it. She would deserve at least that much.

"I promise," I whispered out.

"Than I promise too." She gave me her megawatt smile. "Hey, Chris?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember a while ago when you first let me look through your notebook and I saw that drawing of eyes?" She looked at me questioningly. I could only nod my head wondering where she was going with this.

"Those were my eyes you drew right?" I could only nod my head again.

"So you liked me then?" My eyes flashed up to hers.

"Yeah, I did like you then," I admitted.

"And now?"

"And now I am not sure how I feel, or if the way I am actually feeling is what I should be feeling."

"I'm sorry about that I know it's my fault that you are confused now. I should have told you the truth in the beginning. The whole truth not just ignores my past as I did. And now I could only hope that you give me that chance to tell you about my whole self."

"I look forward to that. " she smiled at me, which I returned but I was interrupted by a yawn.

"You're tired?" She asked me. I nodded my head, yes realizing that I was exhausted. "Are you sure you are okay with me staying the night? I could still leave."

"You're being stupid again Tobin, I asked you if you wanted to stay. I want you here so stop saying you're going to leave."

"Okay then, where should I sleep? I don't need anything special I can sleep anywhere."

"Well, we have multiple spare rooms you could use. Or...." I mumbled off, did I even know if I wanted to finish that sentence. Do I want her to stay with me? I mean of course, I do, but I would she? Would I even feel comfortable about it?

"Or what Chris?" She asked moving so she was standing right in front of me. Grabbing my hand and squeezing it so I would look up at her. "Chris?"

"Do you want to maybe stay here in my room?" I mumbled out.


	12. Part Twelve

Are you sure you feel comfortable with that? I can stay in another room. You won't hurt my feelings, Chris." She asked me, but this time she was looking down not meeting my eyes. Was the Tobin Heath nervous? She is never nervous. And somehow her being this nervous made me more confident. Because this Tobin is the Tobin that I trust. This is the Tobin I know, the Tobin I knew that I was falling for.

"I'm sure. I just need to change my clothes and stuff and then we could go to bed. Do you want to use the bathroom while I change?"

"Sure, Chris." She said with a smile on her face now and she practically skipped to my bathroom. I quickly changed into some sweats and an old tee-shirt that was my mom's. Just as I pulled the shirt over my head there was a knock at the bathroom door.

"Chris, are you done changing?" Tobin shouted through the door.

"Yeah, you can come out now." She opened the door and stepped out an easy smile on her face. I moved to my bed and pulled back the covers.

Sitting down on one side and plugging in my phone. I moved so that my whole body was in my bed. I closed my eyes for a minute doing my usual bedtime routine. I like to reflect on the day I had and make sure I picture my mom's face in my head and talk to her sometimes. It helps me remember her and still feel close to her.

Hey mom, I hope you had a good day. I actually had a good day today, I know it's because of her mom and it kind of scares me how much she can affect me and how much she means to me already and I am worried that if I can't trust her or if I lose everyone else because of her I won't be able to survive anymore. If you could just give me a sign that I am on the right track with my life, and allowing her to be in it would really mean a lot to me. I love you and miss you more and more each day.

I blinked my eyes open to see Tobin still standing by my bathroom door, she was leaning on the entryway just looking at me. She looked like she was confused about something.

"Why are you staring at me? And why are you way over there?" She dropped her eyes and made her way over to my huge bed. She hopped right into my bed and I turned out the lights. My bed was big enough so that there was a good two arm's length between us. I was laying on my side so that my back was to her.

"Chris?"

"Yeah Tobs?"

"Were you just praying?"

"Ummmm in my own way I guess."

"So you don't believe in God?" She whispered out.

"I used to," I told her truthfully. Thinking about growing up with my mom and going to church with her every Sunday.

"Why did you stop?" I paused, I guess I never really let myself think about why it just happened. But now as I think about it wasn't hard to figure out why.

"I guess too many things have happened in my life to believe that God is looking out for me."

"So who were you praying too?" She asked.

"I will tell you another time."Not wanting to get into my past right now. She didn't respond to this and so I thought she had fallen asleep, but I was too curious about the topic to let it go.

"Tobin?"

"Yeah" she whispered out.

"Do you believe in God?"

"Yeah, I do."

"So do you pray?"

"Not like I used to." She admitted.

"Why don't you pray like you used to?" She paused again and this time I thought that I pushed her too far, so I was not expecting an answer. But she did answer.

"Because I believed that I wasn'tgood enough to deserve anything, I believed I didn't have any right to ask for anything." My thoughts went immediately to what she has done in the past. It was quiet for a few more seconds before she continued. "But I was so desperate that I prayed for the first time in a while a couple of weeks ago."

"Can I ask for what?" I couldn't help but ask her. She didn't answer right away. In fact, it was silent for so long that I just figured she wasn't going to tell me. But then I heard her whisper out into the darkness.

"I prayed that you would give me a chance to be in your life in any way possible and somehow God actually listened to me."

I rolled over so that I could look at her face. My eyes adjusted enough so that I can actually see it in the dark. She was staring right at me and she had a smile on her face.

"Christen I don't think you even know how much of a miracle it is that you have given me this chance. I can't even comprehend how someone as caring, understanding and as forgiving as you actually exist and that I could be lucky enough to have you in my life. Even if this is as serious as we ever get, if after today you told me you could never see me again I know that it's way more than I will ever deserve.

Being here, in a warm house, in a real bed, in clean clothes, and with my stomach full is way more than I could hope for by itself. Way more than I ever prayed for. And to top it off, the girl who I really care for, a girl who is about near perfect in every way says she wants me here and that she is actually happy to give all this to me is nothing short of a miracle."

I rolled away from her so that she couldn't see my face.

Does she think that I am perfect? That I am somehow a miracle to her? I am definitely far from perfect. What will happen when she realizes how harmful I could be, how many people I have hurt in the past and how many people have hurt me before and, how truly messed up I actually am inside. I realized then, that as much as I don't know about her, she could possibly even know me less than that and it is crushing me at this moment for her to admit to having feelings for me when she has no clue who I actually am.

I felt the tears streaming down my face now, and it was getting harder to breathe. I felt a hand touch my back lightly. "Chris?" When I didn't respond she tugged slightly at my shirt, asking me to turn around. She stopped tugging when I didn't turn around. I didn't want her to see me like this.

"Chris, I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you in any way. I just really wanted to make sure you knew that I really appreciate what you're doing for me and that I really do like you." Her voice cracked at the end like now she was crying. I rolled over to check and tears were running down her face too. She shouldn't be upset, she hasn't done anything to upset me. I need to explain to her because she doesn't deserve to feel like this.

"No, Tobin you didn't do anything wrong. This is my fault. " I admitted to her.

"Chris, you don't need to lie to me to protect my feelings. I told you its okay if you never like me back like how I like you. I am just happy to have you in my life in any way possible. I don't want you feeling bad about hurting my feelings, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable in any way so I will just stop telling you how much I care so that you don't feel bad, okay?"

"No Tobin that's not it at all, well I mean you are partially right. You were right when you said that you admitting your feelings upset me, " I saw her nod and a few more tears slip out of her eyes. I moved closer to her and wiped the tears off her cheeks.

" But you aren't correct about why it upset me." I sighed out and dropped my eyes from hers. Expressing my feelings has never been easy for me. She grabbed my hand and held it in hers, with this reassurance I told her the truth.

"It's just that the way you describe me and how you see me is way different from who I truly am. And I am not saying that you are delusional or anything, I know it's my fault that you see me like this because I haven't let you see the bad parts of me. I know that once I show you those I know that you won't care about me the way you do now. And that's what upsets me because here you are admitting feelings for a person who you don't even know."

"I don't think that could be true Chris."

"But it is Tobin, there's so much of my past that you don't know about and so much of it still affect me today. I am not the perfect person you think I am, I'm far from it."

"I know that I said you are near perfect, but let me rephrase that you are near perfect to me. I already see that you aren't always daises and butterflies Chris, I can tell that you have gone through stuff in your past, I have seen the pain in your eyes before, but the fact that you haven't let that stop you from going after what you want in life, for just living your whole life to the fullest that's what matters. I see who you are to the core Chris, that is the person I care about, the person who has given me a second chance, the person who literally gave me the clothes off her back, fed me, and gave me shelter without hesitation, that's the girl that I am falling for.

So don't feel like you can't tell me about your past Chris, because there's nothing more I could want in the world than to get to know you better. And I refuse the idea that anything you could ever tell me, would make me like you less because no matter what happened in the past and how it's affected you its the present that matters to me and despite what you might thinkI know who you are now."

The way that she was looking at me and the way these words flew almost effortlessly out of her mouth despite their weight, I knew she meant what she was saying and that put a smile on my face. I pulled her closer to me so that I could wrap my arms around her. She immediately put her hands around me too and rested her head into the side of my neck. She pulled away slightly so she could see my face.

"Thanks, Tobin, it actually means a lot to me that you want to know more about me and I definitely want to get to know more about you too but I don't if I should tell you now or if it can wait till after I get back from camp? I just.. I don't want to tell you everything and be gone for weeks or just keep you hanging like this with no information."

She paused for a second thinking about the options I have given her. "I get what you mean and I definitely have a lot of things to tell you too." She paused again deliberating. "How about this Chris, we each tell each other one really important thing about ourselves, but the other can ask only one question right now and aren't allowed to respond after that. "

I thought about and understood this might actually work. "Okay. Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first?"

"I know this was my idea but can you go first." I just nodded my head yes. What do I tell her? Something big? Something small? In between?

"I grew up with only my mom and I didn't know who my father was until a few years ago."

Please don't ask why he is now. I thought.

"Why wasn't he?"

I let out a sigh of release at her question. That one I can answer easily. "My mom and dad dated young and when she got pregnant in high school he bailed," I explained and I quickly redirected her attention so she wouldn't think too much about what I said. "Your turn." She nodded her head but paused.

"Ummmm I don't live with my parents anymore." She looked down as she was ashamed.

What does that mean? That they kicked her out? That she chose to move out? Who does she live with now? Where does she live with now? What question was I going to ask her? But then I remember her outside the mall and the question I needed the answer to popped in my head.

"Do you have a place that you can always go to if you need to?" I asked her almost afraid of the answer.

"No, I don't. "

I frown at this thought looking away from her eyes. She doesn't even have a place where she can consistently go to. So what does she normally do? My mind suddenly remembered the shed. Is that where she lives? My eyes snapped back up to look at hers.She reached out and placed a hand on my cheek then she moved it up and she rubbed between my eyebrows telling me to stop thinking so hard to relax.

"Not tonight Chris."

"But Tobin.."

"You need to go to sleep, you have a busy day tomorrow." She moved in slowly like she was giving me time to move awayand pressed her lips to my forehead. Holding them there fora few seconds before pulling away. "Good night Christen." She flipped around and moved slightly away from me so we weren't touching anymore.

"Good night Tobin."

.

.

.

.

.

I blinked my eyes open to be met with a bright light. I looked over next to me and was met with an empty bed as per usual. I slowly got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom, going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth. Then I headed towards the kitchen where something smelled really good.

"Good morning beautiful. You're just in time for pancakes." My mom told me from a crossed the room at the stove.

"Mmmmm my favorite."

"Of course, I have to send my superstar off to national camp properly."

"Thanks, mom."She brought over a stack and sat down at our littletable together. We started eating in silence.

"Are you nervous sweetie?"

"A little. I am going to be the new girl and I am younger than them and you aren't going to be with me." She frowned in my direction, taking a moment before responding.

"Chris none of that matters, if you don't make too many friends, if you don't do well there, it doesn't matter you can always come back home. In fact...." she got from the table and walked towards the stand we have by the front door and was shoving stuff around until she found what she was looking for. She came back towards me and pulled me up so that I was standing in front of her. She held out her hand and in her hand was a house key.

"You are going to take this with you to camp to remember that you can always come home. No matter what happens Chris, you can come back home and I promise I will be here waiting for you." Tears were falling out of my eyes, but a smile was on my face. I wrapped my arms around her, restingmy head on her chest and she rested her chin on top of my head.

"I love you, mom."

"I love you to Sweetie"

.

.

.

.

.

.

I blinked my eyes open to be met with a bright light and an annoying alarm going off.I looked over next to me and was met with an empty bed as per usual, but this time panic set in. Where was Tobin? Did she leave already? I made my way to the bathroom and she wasn't there either. Which means she already left. Which sucks because I really wanted to say goodbye to her. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth, and I decided I should probably take a shower now. Then I made my way to the kitchen. Just like my dream or memory, I guess is more accurate.

What I didn't expect was just like in my dream, there was someone at the stove flipping pancakes.

"Tobin?!?!? What are you doing?" She looked back at me over her shoulder with a huge smile on her face.

"Making breakfast duh."

"I see that but why?"

"Well you made me dinner last night, besides your leaving today and you should have a proper send-off."

"What?" What the heck did she just say? It wasn't the exact words that my mom used but it was pretty fucking close, wasn't it?

"What do you not like pancakes?" Tobin asked me worried now, probably because I was practically freaking out in front of her.

"They're my favorite."

"Oh, good mine too." I sat down on the counter trying to figure out what the hell was going on. How would Tobin know how to do something like this? How did I have that dream last night, what was that about? Was this my mom? Was this her trying to talk to me? Does this mean I should trust Tobin that I am doing right by letting her into my life? It must right I mean this was all to perfect to be anything else.

Thanks, mom. For always being there to help me when I need you the most.

"Chris, you ready to eat? You need to hurry if you are going to leave on time. Fair warning I am not the best cook." She came around and sat in the stool next to me placing the stack of pancakes between us.

"I'm sure they are great Tobin." I started to devour the pancakes, I knew they weren't the best tasting pancakes I have had, but that didn't matter because she made them for me so they tasted amazing anyway. We finally finished the stack and she immediately got up and started to wash the dishes. I tried to protest, but she told me to go get my stuff ready instead.

I went to my room and started to pack my last minute things into my suitcase, and making sure I grabbed one special thing before making my way back over to the kitchen. Tobin was just sitting on a stool and humming to herself until she heard me coming and she hopped off and hurried towards me to grab my bag.

"I already called you a cab. They are waiting outside for you already." Without even letting me respond she hurried through the door and out to the cab throwing my bag in and holding the door open for me. Before getting in the cab, I stopped in front of her and held out my hand in front of her a key in my hand.

"What's this? You need me to lock up your house or something really quick."

"No Tobin, it's for you."

"What do you mean Chris?" She asked confused.

"It's for you to use. You can have the room right next to mine if you want and I know that no one will be here for the next couple of weeks, so you won't have to deal with people you don't know."

"Chris this is too much, I am okay you don't need to do this."

" I can't stand the thought that you don't have anywhere to go when you need to, so you are going to take this key and use it when you need to whenever and however you need to. All the codes and stuff you need are on the side of the fridge and there are some food and stuff you need, just please use it. No arguing okay?" I didn't really give her the chance to respond to that because I got in the cab quickly.

Just before pulling away, I rolled down my window to talk to her. "I'm going to miss you, Tobin."

She moved closer to the cab leaning in through the window and placed a kiss on my cheek. "I'm going to miss you too Chris." The car started to pull away "Kick some ass out there! " she yelled at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment. Tell me about your thoughts. Give a kudos if you plan to keep reading. I'll post two chapters a day.


	13. Part Thirteen

"Miss, excuse me. Miss you might want to wake up now we are about 5 minutes from your home."

I blinked my eyes open to the cab that I was in heading back home from camp.

"Thanks" I rasped out to the driver.

The camp was good. Great even. The camp itself went better than I could even dream. We won the whole tournament and I averaged 2 goals and 1 assist a game. The coaches all seemed really impressed and some were really even happy to have me back. What was even more amazing was they said they were looking forward to my future with the national team. Which of course I was thrilled about, it practically what I have been working for my whole life.

Socially, it wasn't the best. I didn't really know anyone there, because I was always so much younger than everyone there and they have moved on. Not surprisingly I didn't make any close friends, but I was friendly enough, which was an accomplishment for me. And it's not like the girls there weren't nice, they were it's just that it made me realize how much I care and miss my friends back home.

I miss how Kelley can make me laugh at any time, how Ali knows how to distract me every time I get in my own head, how Alyssa can know what I am thinking by just the look on my face, how Alex can get me out of my comfort zone when I need it, and how Allie can push me to be better. They all make me better, they make me feel loved again and I missed them like crazy.

You should have heard how pissed at me they were when they first found out where I was. They showed up to practice the day after I left for camp and Coach told them that I was at the youth national camp. Of course, they weren't angry that I was there, but they were angry that I didn't tell them that I got invited to camp.

As soon as they were done with practice Allie skyped me with the whole team and she chewed me out, saying that I can't just leave them like that without saying anything. But they all said that they were really proud of me and they will miss me but they know I'm going to do great. I especially like the calls after I won the tournament congratulating me and that they all watched the stream online of the games. They really meant a lot to me especially because dad didn't even know I was here.

The weird part was it didn't bother me that he doesn't care as much as it did before. I find myself not missing him as much as I used to. And I think it's because I have other people in my life that care about me.

Most of all though I missed Tobin and not only did I miss her, but I was worried about her. I mean how does she practically tell me she is homeless and expects me not to worry about her. I worried that she was too proud to use the key that I gave her I wish there's a way I could've checked up on her but she doesn't have a cell phone and the times that I tried calling my house phone no one picked up so she's not there.

But what does that mean? That she is in the shed? My heart aches at the thought of her being in there during the winter in the freezing cold when I had this huge empty house she could use. And I know I have it bad when I'm happier I'm going to school tomorrow then I was winning at camp just because I know I get to see her and all my friends again.

"Miss we are here." My cab driver announced pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Thank you, sir. Here you go." I handed him over the money. "Keep the change." I pulled my duffel bag out with me and was standing in front of my home gate. I put the code in and then made it across the front entrance to the front door.

I look down at the key I was about to use to open the door and my thoughts immediately went back to Tobin. God did I miss her I turned the key and walked into my house and...... It was empty. I don't know what I was expecting. My father called once while I was at camp and the conversation lasted about two minutes long. Enough for him to say he wasn't due home for another few days.

So does that mean I was expecting Tobin? That's unfair of me to expect her to be here, but I know I still wish she was here to greet me. I made my way through the entrance to the hallway down to my room where I tossed my bag onto my bed but was caught off guard because the pillow wasn't usually where it usually was.

I walked in to get a closer look, something was definitely different, because I am practically OCD everything has its place and that pillow was definitely not where it should be, but maybe it was just me. Until I noticed that an old photo album that I haven't look at in years was sticking out of the drawer I have practically locked it away in. I went over to it to shove it back in there, there's no way I looking through those pictures. Those pictures showed me a simpler time that showed me how happy I used to be and how much I used to have. To get my mind off of it I made my way back to the kitchen because man it was a long trip and you know I'm hungry.

And on the counter in the kitchen was a bunch of flowers and a note next to it.

Chris,

I realized about a second after you left that I had no way to communicate with you while you were gone and I realized I never really asked when exactly you were coming back so I just wanted to make sure that when you got home and if I wasn't there you had something to greet you, to welcome you home, and to tell you that someone missed you. Because damn I really missed you.

-T

Reading that note I couldn't help the stupid smirk that I know was in my face, the slight tears filling my eyes and the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach. She missed me just as much as I missed her. Just as I was about to lean in and smell the flowers that she gave me I heard the door being open and close and I heard footsteps coming towards me.

"Hello?" I called out. Hearing the footsteps pick up and come to my direction. I looked towards the entrance for the person who was here but I heard the voice-first. The exact voice that I had been hoping for.

"Well shit. I hoped that the flowers would've just been extra. I wanted to be here to greet you. " Tobin said as she walked around the corner and into my line of sight with her megawatt smile on her face.

"Well, you missed it by that much. I just got here. Besides who said I would've preferred you over the flowers? They are some pretty attractive flowers. "

"Oh is that true? Do you think the flowers are more attractive than I am? If you prefer the flowers over me, does that mean I should just go then?" The smile dropped from her face and she pretended to be offended.

"Well, I guess since you here you might as well stay and keep me company." I continued to tease her, but I was quickly losing patience in the joking around and just wanted her to be in my arms. She smirked over at me now seeing how impatient I was being, but I know she wanted me to give in first so I did. "Well, are you gonna come hug me or what?"

She chuckled and jogged over to me pulling me into her arms and off the ground twirling me around as they do in the movies just laughing herhead off like she knows exactly what she's doing and how cheesy it is. I couldn't help but laugh along with her until she finally put me down on the ground but she kept her arms around me. "I missed you too. " I whispered in her ear.

She pulled back so that she could look at my face and I could look at hers. "Well, I am glad you missed me just as much as I missed you. I have been going crazy here in this big house without you."

"You have been here?" The smile on my face grew larger. So she actually stayed here?

"Well yeah, you said I could? Right? Should I not have stayed here?"

"No no that's not it I am happy you stayed here, ecstatic even, the whole time I was gone I have been worrying that you were going to be too proud or some bullshit, and not take advantage of the opportunity I was giving you."

"You worried about me?"

"Of course I was worried about you practically told me you were homeless and then I had to leave you and I had no way to communicate with you, to see if you were okay or not. I tried calling the house a few times but you didn't pick up."

"Well I was actually here when the phone rang once and I almost picked it up, but I didn't think it was you calling to talk to me, besides I figured you didn't really want anyone to know that I am here." She looked down like she always does when we start talking about anything personal like that.

"Well, of course, I would want to talk to you, Tobin. I already told you how much I have missed you. And it's not like I am ashamed of you or anything it's just that I am scared. I'm scared about what could happen if the team doesn't take it well. What if they don't want to be my friends anymore, I couldn't handle that Tobin."

She took a step back from me, removing her arms from the waist. She paused for a second looking at my face, before walking away from me and walking towards the counter. She turned around so I couldn't see her face anymore. "Chris, I am so sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"I'm sorry that your in this position. I'm sorry that you even have to be worried about losing friends just because of me."

"No Tobin..." I tried to stop her from hearing how upset she was getting.

She flipped around to face me."No don't tell me it's okay, don't tell me it not my fault." Tears were flowing down her face. "I promise that will never happen to you okay? I promise you will never be in a situation where you think you are alone because of me. You are too good of a person to lose some of the best people out there because of me. I promise that I will take myself out of your life before that ever happens."

"But then....." Tell her. I thought to myself. Tell her that her not being in your life might be just as bad tell her that you need her. Tell her you to care just as much for her as you do for all the team. I couldn't get myself to say what I should have said, but instead, I pulled her back into my arms and held her tight hoping this was enough to express my feelings.

"This is not how I wanted your welcome home to go," Tobin said releasing me from her tight grip.

"How did you want it to go?"

"Well, I really did want to be here before you got here and I wanted to hand you the flowers and tell you how much I missed you." She got a huge smile on her face and did just that. She pulled the bunch of flowers off the counter and came back over to me. Holding me out until I took them from her. "Chris, I missed you soooooo much while you were gone, like so much that I may or may not have slept in your bed and I may or may not have looked through your stuff, but while you were gone it made me realize again how much I truly like you and I was wondering if maybe I could take you out?" She quickly continued on when she saw the shock on my face.

"I know you haven't really made your mind up yet about me so it doesn't have to be a real date. I just would like to take you out to show you I appreciate all you have done for me and how much I just want to spend time with you because I just really really missed you."

There were so many things running through my head at that time. Like here is again another chance for me to tell her that I really like her too, that I really really want it to be a real date, but that I know it shouldn't because I couldn't do that to her just in case I chose the team over her.

So instead of telling her all these things I just said "yes."


	14. Part Fourteen

"Yes? You said yes?"

"Yes, I will let you take me out."

"Woohoo!" She yelled jumping up and punching the air. "Oh, I am so excited. Let's go now." She said taking my hand and pulling me towards the garage.

"Wait, Tobin." I chuckled when she stopped walking/dragging me along.

"What? What's wrong?"

"I can't go like this?" I motioned down towards the sweatpants and sweatshirt I chose to wear for the plane ride and car ride here.

"Why you look beautiful in anything you wear? Besides what I have planned you can't be afraid to get messy."

"Okay if you're sure." Blushing at her beautiful comment.

"I'm sure. Let's go." She pulled me out of the kitchen and into the garage. "Now, do you think I could borrow a car?"

"Can't I just drive my car?"

"I guess I can give the directions of how to get there. I kind of wanted to drive to surprise you though." She pouted over in my direction.

"Well I don't really like surprises, but I guess you can drive." I tossed her the keys to my car. There was no way I could say no to her with that pout on her face. She caught my keys quickly and moved to my car opening the passenger's door, waiting for me to get in. As soon as I got in she closed the door and sprinted around to the drivers side, obviously excited. She put the keys in the ignition and turned the car on. Taking her time looking at all the interior with a slightly uneasy face.

"You do have your license right?" Worry quickly growing seeing how unsure she was and the fact that I have never seen her on the driver's side of a car, she was always a passenger.

"Of course I do. It's just been a while since I drove anywhere. Plus it's not like I have ever driven a car like this, but don't worry I am an excellent driver." She pulled out of the garage closing it behind her and making her way down the driveway and out to the gate, where she put the code to close it. And we were off.

"So where to first? We actually have a little bit of time before the place I really want to take you to is going to open."

Just as I was about to answer when my stomach answered for me. Growling louder than ever. I blushed at the embarrassment of it all.

"So food first." Tobin started to crack up. She started to drive in a certain direction looking like she knew what she was doing, my worry quickly vanishing. She started messing with the controls of the radio until she found something she was happy with. She immediately started to hum along with it and I realized I have never heard her sing. The words Allie once told me about Tobin and singing came back and I started to remember how often I have seen her with a guitar.

"Hey, Tobin?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you sing?" I asked already knowing the answer.

"I used to sing and write songs practically every minute of every day and I stopped for a while, but I just started again recently."

"Can I hear something you wrote?"

"Right now?"

"Why not?" She paused thinking about how she wanted to phrase it.

"I guess now my music is kind of like your drawing. At first, it was just something I did but now it is the one thing that I have control over in my life and so I only like doing it if it means something. Not that you don't mean anything to me it's just that I don't have anything that really expresses all that I want to express right now. But I promise I will play one for you soon okay?" She looked over from driving to check if I understood and when she phrases it like that how could I not understand.

"Besides we are here and I am scared the monster in your stomach will kill me if I don't feed you."

Somehow we were already outside the diner that I usually go to pulling into the parking spot right in front that looks into the diner. I saw Beth, the waitress talking to the chefs through the window.

"How did you know this is my favorite place?" I asked excited now.

"Now this is going to sound kind of stalkerish but I promise it's not like that. It's just that your car is pretty ostentatious and I have seen it in this parking lot. Besides this is one of my favorite places to eat too. I can run in and get you something to eat and you can eat it in the car because it's going to take some time to get to where I want to get to."

"That's okay Tobin, I can go in and get it."

"That's ridiculous Chris. I asked you to come out with me I am going to get the food."

"But Tobin..." I tried to object, it's ridiculous that she wouldn't let me pay.

"Chris don't argue. I want to do this. What do you want to eat?" She told me determined.

There was no talking her out of it.

"I will just have a cheeseburger." I was hungrier than that but I didn't want her to spend so much money on me but I think she knew what I was doing because she gave me a death stare but I wasn't giving in. She chuckled out and just walked into the diner.

I saw her talking to Beth at the counter ordering the food, but what I didn't expect was for Tobin to go straight into the kitchen after talking to her. What the heck was she doing in the kitchen? After a couple of minutes, she came out with a bag in her hand two drinks in a carrier. She paused at the counter to kiss Beth on the cheek and I would have gotten more jealous but she was like 60 something and she walked out to me.

She handed me the bag of food and put the drinks in the cup holder, started the car and started to drive off. I opened the bag and saw there were a burger and fries in there and I could see that she got me a strawberry milkshake.

"How did you know I liked strawberry?"

"Beth told me. And start eating before it gets cold." I didn't need to be told twice I dug in. Ever so often I would feed Tobin some fries and she would just giggle every time I did.

"Why did you go into the kitchen?" I asked after some time curious.

"Well, I work there sometimes so I thought I say hi to everyone."

"Oh." So she works at the diner, she mows the lawn at school, how many jobs does she have? "How many jobs have you had?"

"Ummm well I do work at the diner sometimes, I mow the lawn at school, over the summer I work at that coffee place that I bumped into you at and actually the place where we are going right now I work at."

"Which is?" I asked hoping she would give me some idea as to what in the hell we are doing.

"Nice try Chris, but you'll see soon enough." And sure enough, we turned off onto some smaller streets. "Close your eyes."

"Tobin, you can't be serious?" I looked over at her in disbelief.

"Humor me. " She pouted again, "please Chris." and so, of course, I closed my eyes. I felt the car go into the entrance and then the car stopped.

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

"Just hang on I am coming around to get you." I heard the door close and then a few seconds later I felt a hand intertwine withmine and I was being pulled out of the car. "We are just going to walk a short distance okay?"

"Okay." She pulled me a few steps away like she said she was going to and came to a stop she let go of my hand and I felt her move behind me, resting her hands on my shoulders adjust my position.

"Okay open your eyes."And in front of me was a dog shelter. "Okay hear me out here. I know this probably doesn't seem like anything, but trust me it's awesome everyone who works here is amazing and you can play with a bunch of dogs. You're okay with this right Chris? I should have asked, for sure but I saw that picture of you and I think it is your mom with a dog and I was supposed to work today anyway and I just thought you would have fun and...."

"Tobin stop rambling and let's go in." I pulled her the rest of the way towards the door. I had to stop her, before one she passed out from talking so fast without taking a breath, two she asked anymore about my mom, and three there are dogs waiting to be played with.

As soon as we walked through the entrance there was a girl with blond hair who shouted a welcome, especially when she saw Tobin walked in behind me.

"Tobs, I don't know you were working today!"

"Yeah I am working today, and I brought along a volunteer. This here is Christen." She came up to me and shook my hand.

"Hi Christen, I am Amy Rodriguez, but you can call me Arod if you want everyone else does."

"Speaking of everyone else, Lauren isn't supposed to work today right?" Tobin asked seeming a little worried.

"She is supposed to come into work sometime today, but I don't know when for sure."

"Okay thanks, umm we will be in the back and maybe let me know if she shows up."

"Yeah, no problem."

Tobin took my hand and pulled me past the front desk where the sounds of barking were becoming louder and louder. We passed a cute dog after a cute dog until we got to the back where there was a grooming station set up. Tobin explained to me how everything works and what we needed to do. Basically we needed to walk a bunch of the dogs, wash them, and then dry and brush them out.

And it was probably the most fun I have had in a long time. The dogs were all really cute and energetic and all they wanted to do was play and run around. And Tobin was super fun too. She would play with each and every dog and make sure they all were tired out before making sure they were spotless. We talked nonstop, about how to camp with for me, she said she watched every single game online and was super proud of me, we talked about the little things that we never really talked about, like what we both wanted to do in the future. And her answer really surprised me.

"Well, as much as I love music and I really like learning science and everything, I really miss soccer. " She admitted to me.

"Would you ever try and play again?"

"At this point I am scared, I haven't played in a while and I just know that it would be the same as it used to be and that might scare me the most. You know I have never played without Allie and Alex, we all started together on the same toddler team that our parents signed us up for. Something just clicked with us you know?

From that moment we did everything together and on the field we were unstoppable. Every time I stepped foot on the pitch I knew that no matter who we're playing I would be okay because I had them with me and as we got older the rest of the team joined us and we became a family. And now as much as I love soccer I know that if I stepped on a soccer pitch again and it's just me out there I don't think I could handle that."

Her voices cracked at the end tears coming down her face. I had to go over to her where she had slid down to the floor. I sat next to her and pulled her into me. Wrapping my arms around her. She placed her head on my chest and held me as close as possible. I wanted to comfort her to tell her that I will always be there for her, but I know I can't tell her that because I know that I have never been able to keep that promise before, but I know that at this moment I have never wanted to keep any promise more than this one.

"Tobin, I...I want so badly to tell you, no to promise you that I will always be there for you, that I will always have your back, you must understand that, but I know I can't make you those promises because I never stay Tobin.

I have made so many promises before that I have broken and I have hurt so many people and I can't do that to you. I couldn't stand myself if I hurt you like that."

"Why would you hurt me, Chris? You are the kindest and most compassionate person I have ever met."

"Tobin, there's a lot that has happened in my past that you don't know yet, I have hurt people before."

"What if I don't care Chris?"

"You don't care that I have hurt people?" I asked her confused.

"No I mean of course I care about your past, I mean what if I don't care if you hurt me?"

"What are you saying, Tobin?” She moved so that she was sitting in front of me now, looking me in the eyes.

"What I am saying is, what if I tell you I don't care if it is inevitable that you will leave, that you will hurt me, what if I tell you I can handle that part as long as I get to be with you right now?"

"Tobin.."

"No, hear me out, Chris. Are you saying that the only reason you are holding back right now is that you are worried about hurting me?"

"Well yeah pretty much." Realizing how true her words were.

A smile lit up her face and she slowly moved in closer to me paused a few inches from my face, giving me the chance to turn away. But I didn't want to turn away and so I moved in and connected our lips.

And when they touched, I don't know how to explain it it's like I was finally home like this is exactly where I was supposed to be. With her. And it felt like time stopped it felt like our lips were contacted for hours at a time before she pulled back slightly just to peck my lips once more and then she moved back so that I could see her face again. She had the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face before and that is saying something.

"I'm really happy I did that."

"I am really happy you did too."

"Can I do it again?" She asked me. I just giggled and nodded yes and she moved in closer again connecting our lips one more time. But this time it was different her lips wasn't as soft as they were last time now they moved with more purpose. I felt her tongue slide along my bottom lip and I opened my mouth in response. I felt her arms go around me and moving slightly lower on my back right above my butt. Just as I was about to put my arms around my neck and pull her closer if that was even possible, we were interrupted.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Tobin?" A voice yelled from the doorway.We broke apart quickly and we both looked at the door. Standing there was a very familiar and pretty girl. She was tall maybe 5'9ish she had brown curly hair and brilliant blue eyes. And then it hit me, why she looked familiar, she is the girl that I always saw pick Tobin up. The girlfriend? Fuck does Tobin still have a girlfriend?

Tobin hopped up and moved away from me towards the girl and wrapping her in her arms. "Lauren it's not what it looks like."

"Tobin, how many times is this going to happen? How many times can I find you with some other chick? I can't keep seeing you do this Tobs. I can't" She had tears streaming down her face, she shoved Tobin away from her and she turned and ran out of the room.

Tobin immediately started through the doorway but paused as if she had completely forgotten me and then suddenly remember I was here. She turned halfway back towards me. Her eyes wide and she was thinking hard. "Chris..." she whined out after about a minute and I knew then what she was going to say, she was picking her.

"Don't." I don't think I could stand to hear her excuses.

"Chris, please understand that I have to go after her."

"Just go Tobin." She sighed out hearing the finality in my voice and she walked out.

I waited a few seconds, staring at the door, hoping she would understand what pain it would cause if she would leave me alone right now, hoping she would come back and apologize for leaving me for even a second, hoping that she would pick me.

But she didn't come back.

I slumped back down on the floor bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. This pain that I felt I haven't felt in years, but I have felt it so many times before. I felt my breathing become more and more shallow, I felt the pain come into my chest and my head was pounding.I felt myself starting to fall apart, and just as I was about to let myself come completely undone a warm weight was being pressed against me.

I looked up to see the dog Tobin and I was working with last. She was resting her head on my arms and was looking right into my eyes. She looked like she knew I was in pain, that I need someone, and that I wasn't okay. Somehow this dog brought me the comfort I needed and allowed me to catch my breath and think for a second. I remembered that I promised myself I wouldn't ever allow someone else to break me again and so I took a deep breath wiped the one tear that managed to escape from my eyes and stood up.

The dog looked up at me and for a second I was frozen in place because the eyes that were on me right now were shockingly similar to the ones that send a shock of pain right through me when I think of them. And I knew right then and there I was taking her home with me.

I cautiously walked out of the backroom, with the dog following closely behind me. I peeked into the main office and luckily it was a whole new person up there. She talked me through the whole adopting process and before I knew it I was back in my bed snuggling up to my new dog and just trying not to fall apart.

Well, that was until a knock came at my door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, okay. I know how much of a roller coaster that was. What can I say? I'm depressed. Leave a comment. Let me know how angry you are with me. Give it a kudos for me. I'm posting twice a day.


	15. Part Fifteen

It's been a blur, coming home from the shelter. I remember buying a bunch of stuff for Morena, my new dog. I remember getting in the car, making sure I turned off the radio and getting home, and putting out all her stuff. Secretly I was grateful that it's been a blur because I know if I allowed myself to think about what had happened I couldn't handle it.

I know it was still early in the day, but I knew that I had managed to hold myself together for this long, but the pain was starting to hit me again. And so when I got in my bed, Morena next to me, I allowed myself to lose it. My breathing became more sporadic and I felt tears streaming down my face.

I felt Morena's body tense up a minute before I heard the knock at my door. At first, I thought that I was making it all up in my head. Wishfully thinking right? That maybe somehow someone was here for me to comfort me. And I know that it wasn't just anyone I wanted right now. I wanted the person that had made me feel like this I let another sob rack over my body. I didn't even try to pull myself together because I really did think I was making it all up in my head. Until another knock came and a voiced called out with it.

"Chris?"

I jumped out of bed in surprise and headed to the door. I was too afraid to open it, too afraid of revealing to the figure behind the door just how much of a mess I was right now.

"Lys? What are you doing here?" I tried my best to sound normal, but my voice cracked at the end.

"Christen Press open this door right now." She demanded out. I sighed out hearing how serious she was and slowly opened the door.

Her eyes immediately locked with mine and filled with worry. "What's wrong Chris? What happened?"

Her worry, caused new tears to come down my face. She just pulled me into her arms holding onto me. She didn't let me go, but she slowly backed into the room kicking her shoes off and making it to my bed. She put me under the blankets and climbed in after me. Holding me in her arms again I rested my head against her chest.

"What happened Chris?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Which was definitely a lie. I wanted to tell her what happened, I wanted to talk with someone about it, but because it was Tobin I knew I couldn't.

"You don't want to talk about it or you can't?"

"I... I" I stuttered out not knowing how to answer.

"Chris you can tell me anything. I'm not going to judge you, I'm not going to stop being your friend, and I'm not going to stop caring about you."

Out of all my friends, Lys might be the only one that I can actually talk to about this. She is one of my closest friends here and unlike the others she wasn't directly connected to Tobin. I mean yes she played with her and yes she was friends with her but they weren't best friends like Allie or Alex. And I trusted Alyssa, she was more cautious than most of my other friends, she was more methodically in everything she did and I know that if I asked her to keep quiet she would.

"If I tell you could you not tell anyone?" She nodded quickly. "I mean like you can't tell anyone, especially not the girls." She paused longer this time but still agreed.

"I don't know where to start exactly." I realized exactly how much I have kept from her.

"Start at the beginning, Chris."

"I still talk to Tobin," I whispered out. I saw her teeth clench and pain flash in her eyes for a second. I could tell she wanted to say something, but she didn't. She allowed me to continue and for that, I was grateful because I wanted to get it all out at one time.

"I know that she has caused so much pain to all of you guys, but she has always been nice to me. When we first met she helped me with soccer after practice and I never told you this but I have dyslexia and she tutored me every day after school. She was my friend, we didn't talk about the things that mattered, we never talked about our past, whenever we were together we were just together. It was easy, comfortable.

And after I found out about her past, I tried to stay away from her. I really did. I told her I couldn't be friends with someone who hurt so many people, someone who still uses people, someone who doesn't take things seriously. And you know what she agreed with me.

She stopped sleeping around, she showed up to every class and took notes for me even though I wasn't talking to her, she's a decent person all the time now, not just when I am with her and so I gave her a chance. Because she has done nothing bad to me. The whole time I have known her, she has treated me right. I mean yes she lied to me in the beginning about her past, but how could I hold her responsible for that if I haven't told her about anything in my past."

"So you guys are friends?"She asked and I looked back up at her face, but I could tell she was actively avoiding eye contact.

"That's where it gets complicated. We started talking to each other again over the break.I ran into her at the mall and she had no place to go so I brought her here. We had a really nice time together, we actually talked to each other opened up a little bit. We got to know each other a little more personally. I told her something about my life and she told me something about hers." I took a breath to steady myself.

"She doesn't have a home Lys."

Alyssa's eyes flashed down to mine and worry quickly filling them. "What do you mean?"

"She told me she doesn't live with her family anymore and that she doesn't have a home."

"She's homeless?" She whispered out.

"I really think so Lys. She had like this whole sleeping arrangement in that shed at school. I think she sleeps in there when she doesn't have anywhere else to go."

"What happened after she told you?"

"Well the thing was when this happened it was the night before I left for camp. So right before I left I gave her a key to my house. So she has been staying here."

"She's been living in your house?" Her voice raised a little.

"Yeah," I admitted. I saw she definitely wasn't happy about this, but she didn't say anything about it.

"So what happened why are you upset right now?"

"When I got home, she was here to greet me she told me she missed me and I believed her. She asked me out and I said yes. She bought me lunch and took me to a dog shelter. We had a lot of fun playing with the dogs and just spending more time with each other." I feel my breathing getting heavier and heavier. "When we were talking she opened up to me for real about her feelings, she felt comfortable enough around me to break down in front of me and so I comforted her. And we kissed. More like made out. " I paused trying to get control of my breathing. But I knew it was only going to get worse at this point. Alyssa tightened her arms around me, trying to get me to continue.

"From the moment our lips touched, I realized just how much I care for her. How much she already means to me. I thought that if it felt this right to be with her like this, then maybe we actually had something real, something that could last." And finally saying those words out loud and realizing how true they are I lost control. My breaths were coming and going raggedly and tears were pouring down my face.

"What happened Chris?" She asked quietly. I felt her whole body tense up. Like she almost didn't want to hear my response.

"Her girlfriend came in and saw us."

"She has a girlfriend?" I could only nod in agreement. "And she didn't tell you?"

"No, she didn't it."

"So what did she say to you?"

"She didn't explain. She just left me there. She picked her Lys."

"Oh, Chris. I'm so sorry." It was quiet for a while after that, well except for my sobbing. "You gave her so many chances and she treated you like shit. You deserve someone that will treat you right Christen and I don't think Tobin will ever be capable of that. No matter what type of front she has always put out, she can only hide for so long who she is inside and that person is a monster."

Hearing her words, I totally and completely saw where she was coming from, but at the same time, I refused to believe it. I refused to believe that the girl I care so much about could be a monster, I refused to believe that all those good times we had together were lies, that every promise she made me she intended to break them.

Because if they were, if she was truly a monster in her core like Alyssa thinks she is, then what does that say about me, that I am willing to overlook that. I realized why it took me this long to fully come apart because, I have been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, thinking there must be some explanation. Well more like hoping that she would have shown up at my doorstep, and explained that it wasn't what it looked like, that she really chooses me, that she wants me and only me.

But maybe Alyssa is right, maybe I just refused to see Tobin for who she really is. Maybe its time that I finally move on. Because maybe I was wrong earlier, maybe it wasn't inevitable for me to hurt Tobin maybe it was inevitable that she would hurt me, or that we will hurt each other. Maybe we just are both too toxic to ever be together.

"Christen? What's going on in that head of yours?" Alyssa asked bringing me back to reality.

"Just everything."

"I'm sorry she used you like that. I wish you would have talked to me earlier about it, I wished I could have been there to stop you from getting hurt."

"Alyssa you shouldn't be apologizing to me. You warned me from the beginning about her and I refused to listen and I chose to keep this from you. I should apologize to you. So I'm sorry Lys, you are a really great friend and I honestly don't know what I did to deserve you."

"I will always be there for you when you need me, Chris."

"Thanks, Lys. I love you."

"Love you too Chris."

"By the way how did you know that I needed you?"

"I didn't know for sure."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, some of the girls and I wanted to be here to welcome you back from camp, and we tried texting and calling you, but you never answered. So earlier we came over to check to see if you were home yet and if not we were going to wait for you. But when we got here your car was gone. So we just left. And after a while, you still weren't answering your phone and I was worried about you so I came over alone. I saw your car was home this time, so I let myself in and headed straight for your room when I heard you crying."

"Thanks for worrying about me."

"It wasn't just me Chris. Everyone really missed you when you were gone and everyone is pretty worried about you. Even before you left for the camp you barely talked to anyone. We have all been worried you are kicking us out of your life."

"Well, that's not it at all. It's just that this time of the year is really hard for me. This time of year used to be the best when my mom was around and now I get really depressed around this time and I didn't want to take you guys down with me. You guys deserve to have a good holiday without having to worry about me."

"Chris you need to stop worrying about opening up to us. We already care about you, when you keep us out of your life like that you are just hurting yourself more."

"Okay, I understand. And I don't always know when I am pushing people away. I have done it for so long now I don't know how to rely on people, but I promise I will talk to you more. I try to do better."

"One last question and then we can go to sleep."

"Okay."

"When in the fuck did you get a dog?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter. It gives some insight into what Chris's feeling and it also shows Alyssa and Christen's friendship, which I feel is very underrated. Leave a comment. Give a kudos!


	16. Chapter 16

When I woke up Alyssa was still snoring softly next to me. It actually didn't surprise me that she was near the whole other side of the bed despite me falling asleep in her arms. I have noticed that she isn't big on physical contact. I think the only reason she held me last night is that she knew I need it. Because honestly, I am the only person she allows them to touch her. She usually doesn't even like hugs, but she knows that's I find more comfort in touch more than words.

Sadly we both had to go to school today. So I woke her, which she wasn't happy about, and we both got ready for school. We have done this many times before, actually, Alyssa has spent the most times over my house than anyone. Only there were two differences this time.

As we were getting ready there was an awkward silence I was still trying to forget about Tobin and I think she was trying to forget about it too, I think she is angrier about me letting Tobin back in my life then she let on last night. The second difference is she told me I wasn't allowed to take my own car to school. We argued for a while until I gave in because I didn't want to be late for school. So it wasn't until I was halfway to school in her car that I knew I was in trouble.

"Why couldn't I take my own car?" I pouted.

"Because you can't." She responded.

"Lys?" I asked again knowing there had to be more to it.

"Because Allie told me not to let you because she wanted to hang out with you later."

"What does that have to do with my car?"

"She said if you don't have a car then you can't make some excuse and run away ."

Fuck she knows me. I have gotten in the habit of just leaving school whenever I wanted without telling anyone. Or whenever I wasn't up to hanging out with people. Like today, where I still wasn't over what happened yesterday and I knew I would probably head home early sometime in the day.

"Did you tell anyone about last night?"

"I told Allie that you had a rough night because she was really worried about you and she was about to come over herself if I didn't tell her anything. "

"But you didn't tell her why I was upset?"

"No, I didn't. But I think you should."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because they deserve to know. At least Allie and Alex do. Well maybe it's best not to tell Alex, but Allie deserves to know."

"I don't want her to hate me."

"Allie would never hate you, Chris. I just think you should talk to her because I see how upset you still are Chris and I can only help you get over Her so much in this situation. I think you need to talk to someone who went through it."

"I'll think about it okay?"

"Okay Chris, and if you still need to get away you can always call me okay? But keep in mind we care about you and missed you like crazy when you were gone, and I know you aren't feeling the best right now, but don't be surprised if everyone comes on a little too strong."

"Okay, Lys."

We finally arrived at school. As soon as Lys pulled into a parking spot her car was surrounded. My door was being thrown open and I was in Kelley's arms. Ashlyn shoved her away and envelopes me in her long arms. She was squeezing me until I somehow pulled out of her vise-like grip into someone else's confused on who got her to let go and saw Ali, I hugged her back hard and started to laugh at her and she understood why I was laughing, she hates hugs.

"What I missed you okay." They kept passing me around some held me longer than others like JJ, Becky, Kelly, yes she hugged me twice, Alex released me with a kiss on the cheek to Allie. Who gave me a questioning look when she releasedme, but luckily Lys came over and put her arm around my shoulders and announced that we all better head to class before we are late.

And while we were walking to class when it finally hit me. I was going to see Tobin again. The pain of the betrayal was coming back to me and I could feel my eyes start to water and my breathing becomes heavier. I was starting to freak out until Lys slid her arms off my shoulders and grasped my hand instead of squeezing it until I looked up into her eyes.

"You're going to be okay." She whispered out quietly so that only I could hear her. We walked into class and I went to my normal seat, and I tried to let go of Lys's hand but she held on and followed me to my seat. She sat in the one next to me.

"Lys that's my spot," Kelley whined.

"Go sit somewhere else today Kel."

"But I want to sit by Chris. You got to see her yesterday."

"Kel please just sit somewhere else today."

"Fine." She agreed unusually quicker than she normally would, seeing how serious Lys was being.

Allie and Alex walked in after which was weird because I thought they had been with us, but whatever. They took their seats in front of us. Allie quickly looking at Alyssa for an explanation, but she just shook her head no. Alex not questioning it, but giving me a quick smile before sitting down in front of me.Kelley ended up flirting with the guy in front of Allie and he gladly gave up his seat. I think I need to do a better job at hiding my emotions because even Kelley could tell something was wrong because even she was trying to tell me the lamest jokes just to get me to laugh.

"Chris I swear you are going to love this joke. You are going to laugh so hard you might actually pee yourself."

"Okay, Kel tell me the joke." I already had a smile on my face, because of how serious she was being.

"Okay, what is Mario's favorite type of pants?"

"I don't know Kel what is it?"

"Denim denim denim." She started cracking up at her own joke, everyone around us was laughing hysterically and I could help but laugh at her.

"You're ridiculous Kelley."

"Oh, you love it."

"You're right I do."

She continued on to tell the dumbest jokes she can come up with and I swear with each one they get worse and worse. But for the first time in 24 hours, I felt happy, that was until I felt Lys give my thigh a subtle squeeze. I felt goosebumps rise up on my arms and I know that she entered the room.

I knew that I shouldn't have but I could help but look up past Kelley towards the front of the classroom. She confidently strode into the room towards her seat, where she turned her whole body towards me andher eyes locked onto mine. When our eyes were locked like that it was hard for me to look away. I wanted to look away, I didn't want her to look at me like that, with a grimace, like she actually felt bad, like she wanted to make it up to me, because I could already feel myself falling back into the hold she has on me and I couldn't let that happen again. I felt my eyes start to water and I saw her face drop even more.

She opened her mouth like she was about to say something in front of everyone, even from across the classroom, but before she could I felt Alyssa grabbing my hand that was on top of the desk and using her other hand to grab my chin, making me look at her instead of Tobin.

She didn't say anything to me, knowing where we were and who was around us, but I could see in her eyes what she was trying to tell me. She was telling me that she is here for me, that she cares about me, and that I can't let Tobin pull me in again. I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek thanking her. Because that was exactly what I needed.

I looked around the room quickly checking if anyone else had seen what happened. Kelley was still telling the whole class her jokes, Alex was faced forward towards the front of the class, and she looked like she was writing something.

And Allie? Well, Allie was looking right back at me with her eyebrow raised questioningly. I stared back at her hoping she would back down, but it was Allie so of course, she didn't. She actually looked like she was going to bring it up right then and there. I flashed my eyes to Alex's back and back to hers and shook my head no. She looks over at Alex, her eyes filled with confusion and her eyes came back to mine she looked like she understood, but still, she wasn't backing down.

"Chris do you want to get lunch with me today?" She asked me finally.

"Umm do I have a choice?"

"Not really no."

"I want to go to lunch today." Kelley butted in.

"Not today Kel, I want to take Chris out because I missed her so much."

"Why does no one want me to hang out with Chris?" She pouted crossing her arms a crossed her chest.

"I will take you to ice cream tomorrow okay?" I asked her patting her cheek.

"Okay." She tried to still sound angry, but I could tell she was fighting she a big smile on her face now.

The teacher stood up from his desk and began his normal boring math lecture, which I effectively tuned out. Choosing instead to doddle in my journal, helped me focus on that and not on the girl across the room, but with a couple of minutes left in class, I realized that I should have been paying attention because I won't have my tutor anymore. Speaking of my tutor, I could help but sneak a peek over at Tobin, and all I could see was that she had her head down on the desk and her arms wrapped around.

She's sleeping. So she went back to sleeping that fast, she went back to her old ways that fast, not really caring about anything. Does that mean that I never meant anything to her? Did she really fake everything that happened between us?That this was really all was a facade?

At least that is what I was thinking until I saw a spasm go through her whole body, and I could see her struggle to take a deep breath from where I was sitting. Was she crying? And shortly after I got my answer. The bell rang, I saw Tobin get up quickly grabbing her bag and heading towards the door. She paused right before heading through the door, looking in my direction. And what I saw nearly broke my heart. Her eyes were red and puffy and there were tear tracks going down her face. And then she was gone.

I don't know what I was thinking or what made me do it, but without even grabbing my stuff I ran after her. When I made it out of the classroom, I saw her a distance away from me already. I picked up my pace and by the time I had caught up to her, she was sitting on the curb right near the parking lot.

All I could think about was what the fuck was I doing? I knew I shouldn't talk to her anymore. I knew I shouldn't give her the chance to lie to me again, to hurt me again. But something was telling me I should talk to her. Maybe it was because of how upset she truly seemed, and I hate to see people in pain or maybe it was because of the promise I made her. I know she has broken any promise all promises she had made me, but I wanted to keep my promise. Maybe she didn't deserve it, but damn it I was done breaking promises. So I was walking towards her to tell her I couldn't have her in my life anymore.

But before I could get there a very familiar car, with a very familiar driver pulled up right in front of Tobin.

Tobin immediately shot up and walked around to the passenger's side of the car. Where I got to see another glimpse of her face, except this time she didn't look like she had been crying, like at all, in fact, she had her megawatt smile plastered on her face. She climbed into the car and gave the girl a kiss on the cheek and the girl pulled away.

And before I could process anything that had just happened, before I could break down again, Lys was there. "Christen?" I felt her hand slip into mine, pulling me towards her, away from the car that pulled away.

"I'm okay Lys." I quickly lied knowing what was coming."I just need some air and a moment to myself."

"Okay, Chris." I could tell she didn't believe me, but she didn't push me which I was thankful for. "I grabbed your stuff for you." She added handing my backpack to me.

"Thanks."

"The next class already started, so we are going to be late already if you want to just hang out here for a few minutes. "

"No, go to class."

"Chris?"

"I just... I don't want to talk about okay?" I stuttered out harshly.

"Okay fine, I will walk you to your class."

"You are already late enough Lys, just go straight to your class."

"Christen just talk to me." She said sternly.

"I just want to be alone right now. I just don't want to think about it right now. If that's fucking okay with you?" I raised my voice at her, annoyed she keeps asking me questions.

"Okay, Chris if you are sure. But for the record, this is you pushing me away. I want to be here for you and you won't let me. " She said finally, stalking away from me.

I huffed out in frustration at myself. Realizing exactly what I just did. Why can't I just talk to people? Why do I always push people away? Well, I knew the answer to that, but how do I fix it? Maybe I can never be fixed. I remembered then that I didn't have a car at school today which meant no running away. So instead I walked back into school. Walking right past the class I was supposed to be in and straight to the art building.

I honestly don't know what made me come here instead of the soccer field like I normally would do to try and forget all my problems. I think the difference is I was tired of trying to forget. I don't want to shove my feelings down anymore. I want to start to face my problems instead.

I had talked to the art teacher here and asked her if I could come in and use the studio sometimes. Ms. Rampone was really cool about it. I explained to her that I wasn't allowed to sign up for her class, but that I really wanted to. She told me I was welcome to come in and use any of the materials I needed at any time. And after she saw me paint a replica of a painting that was hanging above her desk. She told me she swears she couldn't tell the difference between them.

After that, she surprised me with a key to her office, which has its own set up of materials and everything to use. She told me to come in and use it any time I wanted to. So that's where I headed. She was teaching a class, but when she saw me walk in her eyes widened in surprise and worry, but she motioned her head in the direction of her office and I gave her a grateful smile. I headed straight in and sat down in front of the easel, and just went to work.

I took the time to think about how I got this way. When did I become such a coward? I used to be so outgoing talking to anyone and everyone. I wasn't scared of doing anything, whether that was meeting new people, going to new places, or even doing new things. And now I am too scared to even let the people who have told me multiple times that care about me in.

I need to change. I need to live my life because I can't help but feel like my mom would not be proud of who I am right now. And that is what kills me the most. To think that I am letting her down. So this is the end of that, after this, I am not going to feel bad for myself anymore, I am not going to push people away, and I am not going to allow other people to control my happiness.

So I let myself get it all out of my system, I allowed myself to let go. I felt the tears coming down my face as I thought about all that has hurt me in the last few years. I remembered my mom telling me about her cancer, the months of her deteriorating health, even until the end when she finally let go. I remembered the aftermath of me pulling away from people, people that mattered the most to me, especially her and them just letting me go without a fight. I remembered all the people that I have left in the past few years, and how much I hurt them. I remembered all the times that I had been alone, too afraid to hurt people and have other people hurt me and finally I let myself cry over Tobin once more. Of what could have been with us and of all the lies she told and all the hurt she caused.

I was sobbing on the floor in the corner, trying to catch my breath. Trying to move on now as I said I was going to. But it wasn't until then that I realized how much pain I had been forcing down for so long and I felt it all trying to come out of me right now and I let it.

Well, that was until I heard the door turn and I tried to put myself together before Ms. Rampone saw me like this, but was surprised to see a blonde walk into the room instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though she has people she can rely on, sometimes people need to cry alone. Leave a comment. Give a kudos. It's not like any of us have anything else to do.


	17. Part Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in Allie's Point of View. Bold is a flashback.

**Allie PoV**

I saw Christen and Tobin in class and something was definitely going on between them. I saw Chris chase after her. And that pissed me off to no end. How the fuck would something be going on between them if Christen knew about her. Alyssa told her what happened with Tobin. She has seen how Tobin has hurt all of us, especially Alex and I and yet she still would talk to her. So yes I was pissed.

Whatever it was I was done trying to give her space, done trying to be patient with her. She is was going to make her tell me what happened. Make her explain to me why she would even be talking with Tobin and about what happened. She is going to tell me everything whether she wants to or not when we go out to lunch together. At least that was the plan.

The problem is it is past lunchtime already and Chris never met me out in my car like we usually do. At first, I thought that was her just telling me she didn't want to talk with me. And of course, that pissed me off to no end, but I wasn't that surprised, to be honest.

Christen often disappears from school. At first, we all kind of took it personally. We thought that she doesn't really like us, but the more we got to know her, we realized how, well I don't want to say broken, but maybe how scarred she is emotional. Everyone at school who doesn't really know her just sees this new mysterious girl, who has money, is super beautiful and is beyond talented. But a few of us like Alyssa, Ali, Kelley, and I, we see her for what she really is and I think that really scares her sometimes.

We did get her to talk about what happened with her mom, but we all know there is more to her story that she hasn't let us in on. I don't know if she just doesn't trust us yet or what butI know there are things she isn't telling us. Something that has happened in her past that has really messed her up. Despite that, we were all willing to be there for her when she needs it, even if we don't know all the facts no matter how long it takes for her to open up to us.

After she got back from camp and Alyssa found her at her house I knew something was different. This wasn't like we have seen her before, the pain she was feeling right now was fresh, it wasn't her scars causing pain like before. There seemed to be a new cut that was causing her pain. Alyssa refused to tell me what was up, but I knew that she knew by how all over she was on Chris. And I could live with being in the dark as long as someone was comforting her, but when I saw the interaction between Christen and Tobin this morning in class, and Alyssa's reaction I knew something happened with them.

But now that I am thinking about it more the more I am starting to worry. Because the more I thought about it, the more I realized how sad she seemed this morning. Even when Kelley was telling her dumb jokes, I could see deep down she still wasn't happy. And when she and Tobin made eye contact, I could tell how hurt she was and that's when I realized that this was Tobin. The queen of manipulation, the person who can cause so much hurt. Why was I mad at Chris? I shouldn't I should be worried about what Tobin did to her.

When there was a couple of minutes before lunch was official over I realized that for sure Chris wasn't coming. I knew she didn't have her car, so that meant that she was still on campus. There are only two places she would go, one the soccer field and from where I was standing in the parking lot I knew she wasn't there. Two, the art studio.

I practically sprinted over to the building which was, of course, the furthest from where I was. I don't know why I was in such a hurry, but I just had this feeling that she really needed someone right now. I was really worried about what I would find, I didn't really know what to expect when I found her, but I didn't expect to find what I found.

When I opened the door to the art teacher's office, what I saw broke my heart. Christen was slumped on the ground in front of an easel it looked like she was working on. There was paint all over her clothes, in her hair, and on her face, like she forgot that she was painting and she tried to pull herself back together. She was curled up into herself, and she was rocking back and forth on the ground, mumbling to herself and there were tears streaming down her face. When she looked up and made eye contact with me, her eyes widen in surprise.

She tried to stand up quickly and wipe her face. And she opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but I couldn't stand to see her try and make some excuse, to try and cover up what she is feeling, and to try to tell me she's not falling apart.

"Chris, you don't need to pretend anymore. At least not in front of me. I know you hurt all the time and I know you have scars that you have tried to hide from us. You don't have to do it anymore, you don't always have to be perfect. You can hurt in front of me I'm not going to love you less. No matter what. "

She let out a shaky breath like she has been holding it since I entered the room.

She didn't say anything, but her shoulders slumped back down, she slid back down to the ground and new tears were flowing. Streaking down the same path they made earlier. I moved over and sat next to her on the ground and I just held her. We must have been like that for a while until she calmed down enough for me to talk some more to her.

"Chris, did something happen?" She just looked at me with her red and puffy eyes and nodded her head yes.

"With Tobin?" I whispered out.

I saw her pause for a while before coming to a decision, she nodded her head yes again. "What happened?"

"I don't really want to talk about it, especially with you."

"What do you mean especially with me?"

"Because I know what she did to you. I know how she hurt you. Everyone warned me and I don't want you to have to sit here and listen to me talk about me falling for her lies."

"You don't have to talk about it with me if you don't want to, but I am going to do some talking okay? But you need to answer one question first. Did...did she hurt you like she did with Alex?" I asked afraid of the answer. But I tried to stay calm because I didn't want to scare her away.

"No, she didn't hurt me as she did with Alex."

"Oh thank god." I felt all the weight lift off my chest. "Now, I know you are still scared of opening up to me, and I realized that I can't expect you to open up about all that has hurt you if I haven't done the same so I am going to tell you about what happened before okay?"

"Are you sure Al? You don't have to if you don't want to."

"No, I need to talk about it. All of us just focused on moving on and we never talked about it. It will be good for me." Now, where do I start?

"What do you know so far?"

"Just the basic story. Alyssa told me about you guys as kids and then she told me about what she did but even she said she doesn't know exactly everything that happened."

"Okay, well I will just start at the beginning. We met when we were little and we just clicked.We did everything together. I honestly don't think I have one memory without at least one of them in it. They were my best friends. I loved them both so much. As we grew up our relationships shifted a little bit. Not that we grew apart they just were different, and I always thought that it was because we were starting to become our own person. Before we all did the same thing liked the same things, but when we reached high school it was different. I was worried about Tobin."

"Why were you worried about her?"

"Well like said we were all figuring out who we were at the time. Tobin had the hardest time accepting who she was. Growing up Tobin was always the quiet one. She never talked unless she had to, she didn't like to go anywhere alone, she rarely did anything outside of soccer, music, and praying. I think a lot of that was having to do with her parents. They are super religious, her dad is a pastor and is super strict. She has always had this pressure to be perfect and think, talk, and act like what was expected of her.

When we entered high school, she became sort of depressed. Sure she was always quiet before but now she was closed off, she used to have fun, especially with Alex and I. But something changed she started to stay away from us both more, she spent more time alone than ever before. I think she struggled with realizing that she can't be what her parents wanted her to be. She was starting to realize that she wasn't going to be perfect, especially in their eyes and it really affected her.

But at the beginning of our junior year, something clicked for her. I don't know what it was but she was different. She started dressing differently, she was more energetic, and she was happy. Happier than maybe I have ever seen her be before. She had this carefree energy to her now that was palpable. She always had a smile on her face and made everyone around her smile. At first, I was just excited to have my friend back, she started hanging out with everyone again, especially Alex and I again. Until I realized exactly how much more time she spent with Alex. It seemed like they were always together.

I started to pay more attention. I was with them more than anybody and I saw how caught up Tobin would get in Alex. She was always staring at her, always around her, always finding reasons to touch her. And at first, I thought it was cute. I thought it was a crush, butI was worried though. Worried that Alex would never return her feelings, worried that Tobin would go back to her depressed state and pull away from us again.

I tried to talk to her about it, but she always said I was imagining things. I even tried asking Alex to maybe talk to her before anything serious happened. I think though Alex liked Tobin too because sometimes I would catch her staring at her too. They always had this connection, that even I couldn't understand. But Alex told me nothing would ever happen between them and she told me she would explain this to Tobin. I thought that would solve everything, well at least so we could all still be friends even if it got a little weird between them two.

The day after Alex told me she would talk to Tobin they both didn't show up to school. I tried texting and calling them both, but neither answered. I tried going to Tobin's and Alex's house after school, but both of their parents had no clue where they were. I was freaking out.

The next day at school the both didn't show up again. Still no text and call. I went to Tobin's house first, but no one was home, so I went to Alex's. Her parents were at work this time, but I used the key under the mat to get in. I heard a bang or something upstairs. I ran up to Alex's room and..." I sighed out. This was definitely the hard part to get out, but I know I needed to. Especially with the flashbacks popping back in my head.

**I opened the door to Alex's room. The whole place was trashed. All her drawers were open, her clothes were all over the place, and her bed was moved so it was pushed against the wall with the blankets thrown on the ground in front of it. It was dark in here but I could just make out Alex was sitting on the ground in front of her bed. I immediately rushed to her kneeling down in front of her.**

**"Alex, Alex what's wrong? What happened in here?"**

**She moved away from me. Pulling her hood up over her face. I got up and turned on the light and made my way back to her. I grabbed her chin and made her look up at me.**

**When she looked up at me, I saw her face and why she was trying to hide it from me. She had a black eye, a bruise on her jawline, and her lip was busted open. "Alex, what he fuck happened to you?" I asked her deeply worried about her. Who could do something to her?**

**She looked up at me like she wanted to talk to me, but she was almost scared to. "Alex it's me, you know you can tell me anything, I'm your best friend." She just shook her head no and started to cry again.**

**"Do you want me to get Tobin?" I asked her hating to see her like this and knowing that Tobin was always best at getting Alex to open up. She looked back at me know with her eyes widening in horror.**

**"No, you can't. You can't bring her here." She said to me getting up from the ground and walking away from me.**

**"Okay Alex, I just don't understand what happened. Just talk to me. Please I can't stand to see you like this."**

**She went over to her door and closed it locking it. And then walking back towards me. She sat down on the floor, next to me again. "Were my parents at home?" She asked me quietly.**

**"No, I used the key." She let out a breath, relieved.**

**"What happened Alex? Who did this to you?"**

**She broke down crying and started to sob. I didn't really know what to do. So I just wrapped her up in my arms. "Alex I'm not leaving until you tell me who did this to you. They need to pay for what they did."**

**She looked back up at me again, knowing I meant what I said. She started to breathe a little heavier. We both heard a door open and close, which meant one of her parents were home. I got up to go to ask them to help me getting Alex to talk about it, but as I was walking I was slammed back down with Alex on top of me.**

**"You can't tell them."**

**"What do you mean Alex, they are your parents."**

**"You just can't tell them."**

**"Well, why don't you tell me first and then I will make the decision if it is worth telling your parents or not."**

**"Allie, what if I am scared?"**

**"There is no reason to be scared now, its over and I am here and I won't let anything else happen to you."**

**"Okay, I will tell you just give me a second."**

**She was about to start talking when there was a knock in the door. "Alex? Is someone in there with you?"**

**"Yeah, Ms. Morgan it's me, Allie."**

**"Oh hey Allie, I hope everything is all right in there. No one's getting into trouble right?"**

**"No ma'am everything is alright," Alex yelled back through the door her eyes widen in panic.**

**"Well good." We heard her mom's footsteps walk away.**

**"Alex tell me what happened to you," I demanded one more time.**

**"Well yesterday, Tobin came over before school and she was a mess. She was really upset about something that happened to her parents. I think they are fighting again. But anyway she came over and she obviously wasn't ready to go to school so we both decided to just ditch.**

**I planned on trying to make her feel better, so I took her to the park and we did some longboarding and we played soccer for a while and then we came back to my house. We both were pretty tired and so we decided to take a nap.**

**But before we could fall asleep she started talking about her feelings for me and how she has liked me as more than a friend for a while and how she wants to be more with me. At first, I was just shocked, you know that I have always liked her back, and I told her that."**

**"Alex, where are you going with this? Who could this have to do with your face?"**

**"It was her."**

**"It was who?" Still not understanding.**

**"Tobin."**

**"Tobin did this to you? Our Tobin? The girl who we have known for ten** **years? Our best fucking friend?" She just nodded her head in confirmation.**

**"I don't understand Alex."**

**"After I told her I liked her back, I also told her I don't think we could ever be together. I didn't want to risk our friendship and I honestly didn't know how people would react to us being together."**

**"I still don't get how Tobin could hit you."**

**"She didn't take it well. That we could never be together. She got angry. She started throwing stuff around the room and then when that wasn't enough for her she came at me. She punched me a few times, telling me we needed to be together. That she wouldn't stop until we were together."**

**"I don't understand how she could do something like that to you. Something must be wrong with her. Tobin has never done anything like this ever. I need to talk to her." I pulled my phone out of my pocket to text her when Alex shoved it out of my hands.**

**"You can't talk to her anymore, especially about this."**

**"What do you mean Alex, she obviously isn't okay right now?"**

**"She can't know that I told you."**

**"It's okay Alex, I am not going to let her hurt you again. I just need to know if she hurt anyone else or even herself."**

**"You can't."**

**"Why not Alex? I'm beyond sorry that she hurt you like this, but she's my best friend too and something is obviously wrong, she is obviously hurting, too."**

**"She raped me." She whispered out barely audible.**

**"What? What did you just say?"**

**"After she hit me, she told me she was sorry for losing her temper like that. That she wanted to make it up to me. That she wanted to show me how much she loved me and how we belong together and so she forced me onto the bed. And she, she raped me."**

**"Oh Alex, I'm so sorry." And for the first time in a while, I was crying too.**

**"You can't tell anyone Allie."**

**"Lex she deserves to pay for what she did."**

**"You can't tell anyone."**

**"Why not Lex?"**

**"Because she told me not to tell anyone."**

**"Oh, Alex it's okay she won't touch you ever again."**

**"There's no proof anyway Allie."**

**"Of course there is look at your face."**

**"There's no proof of her taking advantage of me, you know her dad could get her out of any trouble anyway." This was true in this town her dad knew everyone and was friends with everyone.**

**"So I am just supposed to pretend this never happened? That one of my best friends, one of the people I love and trusted most in my life did something so horrific to my other best friend and doesn't have to pay any consequences?"**

**"I just want to move on Allie. I just don't want to ever have tothink about what happened again. I don't want to have to think about her again."**

**"Okay, Lex if that is what you want." I gave in seeing how upset she was getting again.**

"And you know the rest of the story. I beat the shit out of Tobin. I got suspended for the rest of that year. Alex spent the rest of our junior year and summer in Florida with her grandparents. And I told the rest of the girls on the team about what she did because I could fucking stand for her to be able to continue to carry on with her life like nothing ever happened. And we all moved on with our lives."

"I'm so sorry Allie."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Chris. My point in telling you the story is that I

understand what she is capable of, I understand how good at lying she is, and how good at pretending to be something different than she really is. You don't have to be ashamed for falling for it. I knew her for ten years and I didn't see what she was capable of. What I am saying is you don't need to be scared of talking to me about it, I won't judge you I have no right to judge you." I admitted to her.

"You're right. About everything actually. I need to open up to you more. I should talk about my past, I just have been alone for so long I don't know how to trust anyone anymore."

"You can trust me, Chris."

"I know that now and I will I promise.Just not here. You can come over to my house tonight if you want and I will tell you everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some back story, from one of the least important people to be there lol. As always leave a comment and give a kudos. Another update to come later today.


	18. Part Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It starts in Allie's PoV. Moves to Christen's.

**Allie POV**

It's been a month since I found Christen in the art studio. That night Alyssa, Ali, Kelley, and I spent that night at Christen's house. Alex wasn't invited for obvious reasons. Christen told everyone about what happened between her and Tobin and surprisingly she didn't stop there. She told us more about herself like how she is dyslexic, how her dad hasn't been here since moving here, how she was on the youth national team since forever but stopped playing soccer all together after her mom died until she came here. She even talked about how bad it was seeing her mom deteriorate, she even told us about her last relationship and how horribly it ended.

She has been through some really horrible times. We all knew how much her mom meant to her and how much her death affected her, but when Chris told us about the after math of it, it was completely heartbreaking. To hear about her last relationship and how it ended and when it ended it made us understand why she is so closed off and why it is so hard for her to open up.

And I think we were all surprised exactly how well she has kept herself together for so long, especially all by herself. But now that she told us I know she won't ever be alone again. And I think her telling us all of this had lifted so much off her shoulders.

Now Christen is almost a whole new person. Well, that's exaggerating, she isn't a whole new person it just seemed like now that she wasn't hiding anything anymore, the past hasn't had the same hold on her as before. All the good things about her seemed more prominent now.

We all thought she was great at soccer before, but now she plays as she enjoys it and it has made all the difference. She's more creative, freer, and more energetic. She is playing phenomenally and we were all lucky to have her, she makes us all better. We were going to win states for sure, and maybe even win nationals. We were all being scouted at this point, but it seemed like every college in the country was trying to get her to go to them.

Off the pitch is where the biggest difference was. Christen seemed to have a new zest for life. Before she was by herself unless she was with someone one from the team and even then she would barely have any interaction unless someone purposely got her involved. Now she seemed to always be surrounded by people and not just the team, which she was closer to us more than ever, but from people all over the school. And it wasn't like before where she was just there, people were around her now because of she is simply enticing, it was like she was a sun and everyone wanted to feel her rays.

She was full of adventurous stories from years ago with her time on the youth team, she always had a witty joke that had everyone cracking up, and she was always up to do anything and everything. People were always asking her to do stuff with them because everyone wanted to be with her. A bunch of guys and a few girls asked her out, she went out with a few of them but no one was able to keep her attention for long.

She also became somewhat of a partier. Of course with her new popularity, she had countless offers and she never turned them down. She also is now famous for the outrageous parties she had thrown herself. At first, they started out harmless, it was just the team at her house until somehow the football team heard (I'm pretty sure it was Kel, but she would never admit it ) and showed up and then more people kept showing up and it got crazy. Since then she has thrown multiple parties that have gotten crazier and crazier.

And tonight was another one. Granted Christen didn't really choose to have this party it was more like we were at lunch earlier that day, sitting at our table, surrounded by people like normal when Christen and I were talking about what we were going to do later. When Kelley just showed up, sat on Christen's lap and grabbed her face to get her attention. Asking her first quietly if she can sleepover tonight and when Chris agreed Kelley just yelled out to everyone party at Christen's.

So that's where I currently am at Christen's house surrounded by people in her living room, with music blaring, and a little tipsy well maybe more than a little. I had no clue what time it was but I know it was late, well maybe more like early because most of the people that were here at one point have already left. Now I can see most of the people that we're still here are girls from the team. I was currently sitting on one of the couches taking a much-needed break from dancing, sipping another beer, and watching the people who were still dancing.

I was actually hoping that this party was coming to a close because I really just wanted to head up to one of Chris' rooms and pass out. I looked around the room to see who could put an end to this party. Carli and Becky had left already so they aren't an option. Alyssa was sitting in the corner talking with Ashlyn, holding Ali who somehow looked asleep in her lap. So they were a no. I then turned to Hope, who I immediately knew wasn't an option because she was up, dancing, and had her hands all over Kelley, which never happens unless she is hammered.

Which leaves who? Maybe Christen can get them under her control? It is her house and all the girls usually listen to her anyway. But the last time I saw her she was dancing with Alex. But they weren't dancing so I reluctantly got up from my position on the couch to go look for her in the kitchen.

Still no sign of them in the kitchen so I walked down the hallway to Christen's room. I opened the door and saw a figure lying in the bed.

"Christen? Are you asleep?"

"No, what's up?" She asked me walking out of the bathroom.

"If you are here, who's in your bed?"

"Alex."

"Is she okay?" I asked walking over to her instantly worried about her. Quickly relieved seeing her passed out on the bed.

"Yeah she was getting a little out of control and then she wasn't feeling very well and so I took her to my room. She had a lot of drinks tonight." She admitted reluctantly.

After hearing the tone of her voice I was a little worried. Knowing how out of control Alex could get when she was drunk. "Did she do anything she will regret when she wakes up?"

"That is still to be determined."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that only Alex would know if she would regret something right?"

"I mean I guess so." I think I was following what she was saying, but at this moment I was realizing how intoxicated I was.

"And Alex is out cold now so we won't really know if she did anything she would regret until she wakes up. So it is still to be determined."

"Chris I'm not sure I am understanding." Defiantly feeling a headache coming on and it wasn't just from the alcohol.

"What I am saying Allie is I am not really sure if Alex meant to do what she did and therefore can't tell you if she would regret it or not."

"First of all stop talking so proper, you spend too much time with Lys. Second of all how are you not drunker? And third I am still really confused about what happened with Alex." I rambled off the thoughts that were popping up in my head.

"One, I am going to tell Lys you said that. Two, I actually didn't have anything but a few drinks tonight and that was earlier andthree I am still confused too. So how about we call it for the night and we can talk tomorrow?"

"Oh, that's what I came over here for. I want you to tell everyone to go to sleep." Losing my other train of thoughts at the mention of sleep.

"Is everyone still here?"

"Not everyone just the team." She just nodded her head heading back towards the party. 

"How long have you been up here?" Confused about how she didn't even know who was still at her party.

"I guess a while, Alex got sick and I had to clean her up and then she actually took a while before she would go to sleep," Christen mumbled out in explanation as we walked back down the hallway.

Wow, I guess I should have paid better attention to Alex. I knew how much she likes to drink and I know how she can never actually handle it. I should have been there for her."Thank you for taking care of her."

"It's no big deal."

"No, but it is Chris. I know how much of a handful she can be and it's my job to make sure everything is okay with her."

"It doesn't have to be just your job anymore Al, I really care about Alex too." She admitted quietly right before we walked back into the living room where everyone was.

**Christen PoV**

I can't believe I just said that to Allie. Hopefully, she doesn't think too much into whatI said. Hopefully, she is too drunk to even remember what I said.

I saw the mess that currently was my house right now and sighed out. I went over to the cabinet where the control panel was that controlled practically the whole room. I grabbed the remote, and turned on all the normal lights and stopped the blaring music. Groans were coming from all around the room.

Just remember to keep it light Chris. I thought to myself before speaking. " I could say some excuse like we had the cops telling me we were too loud and to shut this down, but that is stupid so I am just going to tell you I am fucking tired and just want to sleep so either you should head home now, or because I am pretty sure everyone has had something to drink go find a bed if you can and just go to sleep."

There were a few chuckles from my explanation and then everyone started to move around the room heading in the direction of some the bedrooms while others started to claim the couches right there. I, on the other hand, took this opportunity to sneak out through the back of the room through a different hallway, grabbing a jacket, changing my shoes, grabbing the few things on the stand there and went out the back door to my back yard.

I saw that even back here my house was a mess. There were plastic cups, sodas and beer bottles everywhere.I walked around to the side of the house where I had Morena in her area. She was happy as ever to see me.I let her out and she stayed by my side as we made our way around the back yard. I felt bad though because she had to keep dodging bottles and stuff so I made my way back towards the house but this time I went around to the front of the house. We walked all the way down the long ass driveway I have to the gate.

I pulled the tennis ball out of jacket pocket and turned so I was facing my house and chucked the ball and she chased after it. Immediately zoning out and thinking about what actually happened tonight with Alex.

**I was just in the kitchen finding something to drink when someone came up** **right next to me.**

**"Hey Beautiful, can you touch my hand so that I can tell my friends that I was touched by an angel." I turned around to see one of the assholes who keeps on insisting I go out with him.**

**"Yeah no thanks and that's a terrible pickup line by the way."**

**"Well, then how about instead you let me touch you and I can make you feel like you are back in heaven." He said while reaching around my waist and pulling me closer to him and sliding his hand down at the same time grabbing my ass.**

**I shoved him away from me immediately. "You've got to be fucking kidding me. Who the hell do you think you are?" I shouted shoving him again.**

**"Chill out girl you could just say no."**

**"Just say no? Oh, you fucking asshole get out of my house before I make you get out of my house!" I shouted at him moving in to hit him when he made no effort to move.**

**"Christen, come dance with me," Alex said as she grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the asshat. "He's not worth it Chris." She said more quietly so only I could hear her.**

**"Ugggh guys make me so angry." I was still fuming at the guy's audacity.**

**"Come dance with me and you will forget all about that idiot I promise." As I looked into her deep blue eyes I already felt myself forgetting about him.**

**So I agreed and she dragged me out onto the dance area. Alex and I started off dancing together and with others from the team who were out here with us. We danced for a good couple of hours, with many breaks in between for shots, I stopped drinking after I felt the buzz in my head and everything started to become a little fuzzy.**

**Alex kept going and the more she drank the more out of control she got. She started dancing with only me and got way more handsy. At first, I was kind of excited about it, lord knows I have had a crush on the gorgeous striker. I mean who wouldn't but especially since a couple of weeks ago when we went out to dinner together and have practically talked nonstop since then. I then remembered that she is straight, we are just friends, and currently, she is drunk out of her mind.**

**So I tried to keep my distance from her, but she kept coming on to me. Gliding her hands up and down my arms, putting her hands around my neck and playing with the curls there, and grinding her butt onto me. It got to the point where I had to just walk away from her because I couldn't handle her hands on me anymore when all I wanted to do was grab her and kiss her.**

**I made my way to my room to hopefully get the much-needed space I needed to clear my head. But right before I could open my door a few paces behind me was a stumbling Alex. I saw her trip over an empty bottle that was in the hallway and she hit the ground before I could catch her.**

**I ran over to her, checking if she was alright. "Alex, are you okay? You didn't hit your head right?"**

**"I don't think so."**

**"Does it hurt?"**

**"Well, my head was starting to hurt before I fell so I don't really know." She sat up slowly. "Actually that was a really bad choice." She said immediately grabbing her head with one hand and her stomach with the other. "I think I am going to be sick." She mumbled out.**

**I immediately scooped her into my arms and carried the final paces to my room and into my bathroom setting her down right next to my toilet which she immediately threw up into. I went over to her and held her hair up and away and kept a hand going up and down her back trying to comfort her in any way possible.**

**She quickly flushed and got up and went over to the sink to was her face and swish some water around in her mouth.**

**"There's mouthwash right underneath if you want it," I mumbled from the ledge of the bathtub, where I was sitting.**

**"Thanks, Chris." She said while grabbing it. "I'm sorry you had to see that."**

**"It's okay. Do you feel any better now?"**

**"My head still really hurts." She whined.**

**"Do you want to lie down for a while?"**

**"Can I just go to sleep?" She pouted.**

**"Umm, I guess so." I made my way into my room grabbing some shorts and a t-shirt. "Here you can change into these and I will go get you some water and some Advil okay?" She just nodded and took the clothes from me.**

**I walked swiftly through the ongoing party into the kitchen and in the cabinet where I have all the medicine in grabbing the container and a bottle of water. When I made my way back to my room Alex was already changed and sitting on the edge of my bed looking at my walls.**

**"Are you feeling any better?" I asked her handing over the stuff to her sitting a few feet away from her on the bed.**

**"Yeah, I guess so." She mumbled out messing with the cap of her water bottle.**

**"What's wrong?" She was obviously still not okay. She finally looked up at me and her eyes were red and tears starting to fall. "Alex, what happened why are you so upset?" I was immediately worried.**

**"Why did you walk away earlier when we were dancing?" That was not what I thought she would be upset about.**

**"I just, umm I just I didn't feel like dancing anymore." I stuttered out the small excuse I could think of at the time.**

**But she clearly didn't believe me. "Do you not like me?"**

**"What do you mean Alex? Of course I like you. "**

**"No that's not what I mean."**

**"I don't understand what you are asking me." She can't be asking me if I like her right? And I can't admit it to her even if she does ask, I can't imagine it being okay. Especially with the last friend she had who had feelings for her.**

**"I like you, Chris, I like you as more than a friend." And hearing those words, I was elated, except I realized she slurred her words at the end and she was still drunk.**

**"Alex you don't mean what you are saying, you had way too much to drink." It hurt my heart to reject the words that I have been waiting to hear, but I knew she couldn't mean them.**

**"I may be drunk and I maybe only saying this because of it, but it doesn't make it any less true Christen. I have liked you since like forever, it's just that I was always scared to say something."**

**"Alex..." I tried to convince her it was just the alcohol but she interrupted me.**

**"No, I promise you I know what I am saying I really like you, Christen. Don't you like me too?" She grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers, looking at me with those captivating eyes, pleading with me to talk to her.**

**"I like you too Alex." A breathtaking grin came on her face and she moved closer to me. She paused her face just inches from mine. But as much as I wanted to kiss her I couldn't.**

**I moved away from her slightly still keeping own hands intertwined, but I moved so I was a few feet away from her. She just looked up me confused. "I don't want it to happen like this Alex. I can't kiss you when you are like this. I can't take advantage of you like that."**

**"You aren't taking advantage of me, Chris. I know what I am doing I have wanted to kiss you forever now."**

**"Well, I just can't do it, besides there is a very good chance that when you wake up you won't even remember this and I don't want to do this when you won't even remember it," I confessed to her.**

**"How could I not remember this Chris? I promise I will remember just come kiss me already." She tried to sound as serious as she could but she slurred her words again and that only made my decision clearer. I moved in closer to her and I felt her other hand move around to my waist where she pulled me in closer. But this time when I leaned in I kissed her cheek.**

**When I pulled away I saw her pouting. I just chuckled at her expression. "I promise that if you wake up and remember what happened tonight I will give you a real kiss and I will take you out on an official date."**

**"You promise?"**

**"I promise Lex." She opened her mouth to say something else but was overcome with a yawn. "Okay, it's bedtime." I pulled open my sheets and she climbed right in. I made sure to tuck her in and she snuggled right into the blankets. I turned to leave the room, but she called out to me before I did.**

**"Can you come to lay with me until I fall asleep?"**

**"Well, I still have a party going on in my house right now that probably needs to be stopped."**

**"Please Chris." and how could I say no to her.**

**"Okay." So I laid went and laid down next to her and she placed her head on my stomach like a pillow until she fell asleep. I carefully slipped out of her grasp and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and try and figure out what in the hell just happened, when I heard my name being called from my room.**

I could see that Morena was starting to get tired out so I began the walk back. She stayed at my pace the whole time just happy to be around me. When we got back to the house I didn't bother going through the front door I just went around to the back, where I planned on sneaky in.

But before I could even bring Morena inside, I noticed a figure still sitting in one of the lounge chairs. And I made the mistake of going over to tell the person the party was over because as I got closer I recognized the person sitting there and she was the last person I needed to see tonight on top of everything.

"Tobin, what the hell are you doing here?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry okay. I know what I did and I know you guys are angry. Lol. It will get better it just has to get worse first. Sometimes people are drawn to people that remind them of someone else.
> 
> As always give kudos and leave a comment on how angry you are.


	19. Part Nineteen

**Christen PoV**

"Tobin, what the hell are you doing here?"

Who the fuck does she think she is and why does she think she can just show up at my house? Especially now after a month of nothing, she hasn't tried to talk to me once, hell I haven't even seen her around campus, so why would she be here now.

She jumped out of the chair, and I heard her whisper out "fuck."

"Why are you here?" I asked again a little more calmly than before but I was still plenty pissed. Her back was to me so I couldn't see her face, so I still had no clue what was going on.

"I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry." She quickly spat out and turned to walk away.

"Oh, so you do know how to say sorry." I spat back after her. She paused in her tracks at my words, but still didn't turn around. "Why are you here?" I asked again.

She turned slightly towards me, but she had a classic Tobin SnapBack on but it was bent down so I still couldn't see her face, especially when she was looking at the ground like she was.

"I just I needed to...I had nowhere else to go and I just needed to be close ..." she huffed out in frustration. "I didn't think you would know I was here. I thought you would be inside with everyone else." She finally got out in the explanation.

"So you thought it would be okay if you were here as long as no one knew you were here? What kind of bullshit is that? You think you can still take advantage of me anytime you want?" I asked her. Now I was frustrated.

"It's not like that Chris."

"You don't get to call me that. And please explain what is it like Tobin. Because it seems to me that you just want to use my house, or do you want to use me again too?"

"I never used you, Christen."

"Go fuck yourself Tobin," I said done hearing her lies. I turned to go back into the house, but I felt my hand being jerked and I had no other choice but to turn around.And for the first time in a month, I saw her face and it was not the face I remember. Her eyes were red and sunken in and she had a bruise on the right side of her cheek.

"I never fucking used you, Christen. Everything that happened between us was real.I never fucking did anything because I wanted anything from you, I did it because I liked you and I wanted you to like me too. We were really friends, we really helped each other out, and we really cared about each other." She told me passionately.

"After everything that has happened, after everything you have done in your past, and after everything that has happened between us you have to know that it's almost impossible to believe you right?" I told her because honestly I feel like we keep having the same conversations and I don't know if I could stand to hear it anymore.

"I'm not asking you to be my friend again. I'm not asking you to forgive me for all the stupid shit I have done. I just want you to believe me when I say I really like you and just you. Not your big house, not your fancy cars, and not your money, I wish that you didn't have all of that stuff. I like you, Christen, I like the way your eyes light up when you are happy, I like the sound of your laugh, and I like how your smile brightens my whole day, but more than that I like how kind you are, how smart you are, and how passionate you are about everything you do."

When Tobin says things like this, it's not hard to imagine why I fell for her to begin with. She always knows what to say to me. And throughout her little speech, I couldn't help but hear that what she was saying wasn't in the past tense. Does that mean she still likes me? Could her coming back and saying all the things now make up for what she has done and what she has failed to do? Should that even matter to me? Especially now I know how much it would hurt the people in my life if Tobin was in my life? Oh fuck and what about Alex? There is no way I can hurt that girl that is asleep in my room right now.

"Tobin...I" I was going to try and explain to her, give her that closer that I promised her so long ago, and mostly try and stop her from saying anything else because I can already feel myself slipping back into her grasp, but she interrupted me anyway.

"Christen, you don't have to explain, you don't have to sit here and say things you don't mean to make me feel better. I know I am a piece of shit and I know I never deserved you in any way, not as a friend and especially not as anything more. I shouldn't have ever tried to get to know you, because I knew from the moment I met you how special you are and I knew I would end up ruining it, but I just couldn't help myself. It's just when I was with you, you always made me feel like I was worthy, that I was good enough for someone to actually care about me, and I still hurt you as I did after everything you did for me. And if that wasn't enough recently someone reminded me what a waste of space I am, so I will just go now. I'm so sorry Christen."

While she was talking she had tears coming down her face and she was having trouble breathing. She turned away from me and started to walk away, but she had to stop a few paces in front of me because her breathing got even more ragged and sporadic. She sat down where she was and tried to get her breathing under control but she couldn't.

She was having a panic attack.

I don't know what made me do it, maybe it was because I have done this countless times before in my past, or even more scary to me, and honestly more likely it was because it was Tobin and I couldn't stand to see her in pain. I walked over to her picking her up and carrying her to the chair I found her on. I sat down first and placed her body so it was between my legs. I made her rest her head on my chest, while I kept one arm wrapped around her torso and the other one moved to pull the hat off her head and I ran my fingers through her hair.

"Tobin, just focus on your breathing. You hear my heartbeat right? Try and match your breathing to mine. Just relax and breath I have got you. You're safe. " I just kept repeating things like you're okay, or you're safe until her breathing went back to normal.

The whole time the only thoughts I had were about, what is it about this girl that makes me forget about everything else and only focus on her. Why is it so easy for me to just get over everything she did and just be with her. Because her being in my arms again, smelling her natural scent, and feeling the warmth her body puts out, immediately made me feel full again.

Despite having more people around me than ever, I still find myself feeling alone. But here now with Tobin, I was comfortable, safe and that scares the shit out of me. Because the person that I apparently feel the safest with is the person here who has caused me the most pain and not just me, which I could handle but the people that are the closest to me.

I didn't want to think about that right now, so instead, I thought I would distract myself. "Tobin, are you okay now?"

"I'm a little better." She moved slightly away from me so that now we were both laying on our sides so that she could look at my face. "How did you know that would work?"

"I used to have panic attacks when I was younger and that is how my mom would calm me down." I immediately opened up to her, forgetting how quickly she could always get me to open up.

She just nodded in understanding not asking more questions which I was grateful for. "Thank you for helping me." She said sadly and started to get up. I felt my heart drop. She was leaving me again so soon?

"Can... can you stay just another few minutes?" I asked her, surprised at my own words.

"You want me to stay?" She asked me not really believing what I just asked her to do.

Did I want her to stay? If I asked the question should she stay, I knew the answer is an absolute no. I currently had a house full of people who hated her, and a girl my bed who I just made some serious promises to and who I could possibly hurt the most if she stayed. But did I want her to stay? Yes, I wanted her to stay, I wanted to ask her a million questions, I wanted to just hold her in my arms again, but more then anything I didn't want to see her walk away from me again.

Instead of admitting that I wanted her to stay, I just asked her the first question that popped in my head. "What happened to your face?"

She looked at me confusion clear in her face until she figured out what I was talking about."Oh, you're talking about the bruise, right? I ran into someone I used to know, we got into a fight and she hit me."

"You got into a fight? With who?"

"My mom." She admitted reluctantly.

"Your mom hit you?" I asked in bewilderment. She just nodded her head yes. God, I had so many questions. "What happened?"

She sighed out and she moved so she was sitting back on the chair with me. Our legs touching, but she looked straight out while I couldn't help but look at her face, the bruise now haunting me. "Do I have to talk about it?" She asked out quietly.

"This is why we are never able to be around each other Tobin. You have too many secrets." I snapped at her out of frustration.

"That's rich Chris coming from you." She snapped back at me.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I huffed out at her, pissed.

"Well, why don't you tell me about your mom then."

Fuck, she is right, isn't she? We both have kept so much from each other. But I really don't want to talk about my mom right now. "I don't want to talk about my mom right now."

"Well, neither do I. Besides it's late and that story will take far to long right now. Ask a different question."

"Well, then how about we talk about what happened before?"

"What exactly do you want to know?"

"Do you still have a girlfriend?" I don't know what made me ask that question, but that's the question I asked.

"I never had a girlfriend." She admitted to me.

"What do you mean Tobin? I saw that girl who walked in on us kissing, I saw how she reacted."

"That was Lauren my best friend. She played soccer with me last year, but she graduated. She goes to college a few cities down, I live with her when she is in town. She's basically my sister. She reacted that way because she knew about my past and how I slept around and she was tired of it."

"Why did she react the way she did?" I still didn't understand why she would have been as upset as she was.

"She told me if I kept sleeping around she wouldn't ever talk to me again and when she saw us kissing she thought you were just some random chick and that is why she reacted that way."

"And that's why you had to run after." She sighed out at my statement, taking a second to pause and think about what she was going to say. She grabbed my hand almost subconsciously intertwining our fingers before continuing.

"And that's why I had to run after, I knew she was going to be leaving the next day for school again and I wouldn't be able to explain until she would come back. She's my best friend and I thought I was going to lose her and I couldn't stand the thought of losing any more friends so I had to chase after her and explain right then and there. I didn't think it would take as long to convince her that you weren't just some random girl, but I had to explain everything from the beginning to her and by the time I managed that you were already gone."

Even if that was all true why did she never just talk to me about it? "Why didn't you just talk to meafter? That was the worst part of it all, I just kept waiting for you to show up, to explain to me, it wasn't what it looked like, that you really did care for me. But you never showed up Tobin."

"I did show up Chris, I was going to explain." She told me taking a second to think about what she was going to say. "I went to your house that night. I used my key and came in and made my way to your room and I was going to explain everything until I heard you talking with Alyssa. I heard you tell her about what happened earlier and hearing your side of the story and hearing what Alyssa said about me being a monsterI realized that she is right. I realized what I did to you by leaving you there without any explanation, I realized that I put myself before you without hesitation, and I realized that I broke my promise to you. I hurt you."

"And the next day?" I was still confused about why she didn't even try to talk to me. If she knew how much she hurt me why didn't she even try to apologize?

"I waited for you in the parking lot the next morning, I was going to grovel for your forgiveness, beg you to give me another chance, but from the moment you arrived you were surrounded. I was going to wait until you were alone, but even in class, there were people all around you. When we made eye contact I actually saw in your eyes how much pain I caused you and I was going to shout out how sorry I was right then and there in front of everyone, by then I saw the girls reactions to the littlest interaction we had and that's when I realized how many people care about you, and me being in your life only threatened that. Chris, you were everything that's right in my world, but I was everything that's wrong in yours so, I made myself promise that I would leave you alone, that I would let you go, because I never wanted to see you in pain like that again, especially not because of me."

I was stunned of course at her words. I tried to think back to that day trying to see if she could actually mean everything she was telling me. That she could actually be telling me the truth. That's when I remember what happened after class. "When I saw you in class at first I thought you just went back to not caring, I thought that you were already over me, that you never actually cared about me, until I realized you were crying. I tried to chase you out to the parking lot. I was going to talk to you, but when I saw you, you were smiling, you were with her again, and you were happy."

"Oh, Chris I haven't been happy since the moment our lips separated. I was smiling because Lauren was leaving and came to say goodbye to me. She has had to put me back together so many times before I didn't want her to see how upset I really was because I knew she wouldn't have left if she knew how bad I was actually feeling and especially if she thought she had anything to do with it. So I put a smile on my face because she really had to get back to her life. So I pretended for her. But inside I was falling apart at just the thought of never being around you again, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I couldn't hold you back anymore."

"You've been gone for a month, Tobin. I haven't seen you or talked to you in a month. You left me, without even saying anything."

"I knew that if I let myself talk to you I would never be able to stay away from you. I took the high school exit exam, a couple of months ago, actually right before you showed up. So I have been able to leave school if I wanted to, but I stuck around for a while because honestly, I liked being around you. But for the past month, I have been enrolled at the local college in the city next to here. I figured that the further away from you I could stay the better for you it was.

And I knew I did the right thing when I heard colleges guys talking about you. Apparently you have this newfound popularity, which wasn't that surprise me. I never understood why everyone didn't fall for you the moment they met you before, but I guess everyone finally realized how amazing you are. So I figured you moved on with your life because people talking about how amazing, funny, and happy you are and I am happy for you if it really is true, but the whole time I have been gone, I tried to move on from you too. I tried to get over my feelings for you. I tried to forget how extraordinary you are and the way you make me feel when I am with you.But I couldn't, I still can't, I like you, Christen. And I just need to know for sure, I need to hear it from you before I can move on. Is there any chance I didn't totally ruin what we had and can be apart of your life in any way or did you already move on Chris?"

Did she ruin what we had? Did I really move on? I guess it depends on what she is asking. I guess I did kind of move on in my life didn't I, at least on the surface I did. I did make new friends, I did allow myself to try new things, but did I really move on emotionally? I did try and put my past behind me as much as possible, but I often found myself having to pretend like it was actually behind me, then it actually is. Plus did Tobin count as part of the past, did I want her to? I know I have been wanting to move on, I have been on plenty of dates, but no one really compared to what I felt with Tobin, except maybe Alex.

And that's where the hesitancy comes in. Yes I like Alex, how could I not, she is beautiful, she is smart, she is amazing, but I always felt like something was off with her. Maybe I always felt like something was missing with Alex because Tobin was always in the back of my mind, maybe I have always been comparing the two from the beginning, which means no I wasn't over Tobin, but maybe I should be. I mean yes, she explained to me what happened, but how do I know I can ever trust her? And shouldn't I want to move on from her? Shouldn't I allow myself to move on with someone who hasn't hurt me? That is if Alex even remembers and meant what she said to me.

"I don't really know if I can answer that right now Tobin, you kind of showed up here out of nowhere and I haven't really given it too much thought. After you left I just chose not to think about you anymore, because it was easier than feeling the pain I felt every time I did. All the new friends and all the new attention I was getting was so I wouldn't think about you anymore Tobin. And now you are here, telling me you still care about me and asking me if I care about you still. It's a lot to take in."

"That's fair, I'm just so sorry Christen, more than you could even imagine. I didn't think me leaving would cause you any pain, I thought I was protecting you. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. You can have as much time as you want, I will wait."

"I can't promise you anything Tobin." Thinking again of Alex.

"I know Chris and I am not asking you to. Even you just not rejecting me right away, is more than I deserve." She looked over at me and just gave me one of her classic smiles, except it was interrupted, by a shiver going down her body.

"You're cold?"

"I've been colder, but you should probably head in now and go to sleep, it is getting late."

"Tobin, I really would invite you in, but the team is staying over and.."

"It's okay Chris, you don't have to explain. I will just go somewhere else." She started to get up from the chair we were sitting on together, but I grabbed her hand and pulled her back down. I might not know how I will feel in the morning, but I definitely knew after this month of being apart I just wanted to hold her.

"Maybe I don't want you to go somewhere else." She just nodded her head in agreement, but now she had her megawatt smile. She still walked the few paces away from where there was another padded lounge chair. She dragged it over and pushed it up against the chair I was still sitting in. She then went to the storage cabinet next to the house where she grabbed a bunch of pool towels that were in there and brought them over. She climbed in next to me and threw all the towels on top of us.

"Do you think I can scoot closer to you? It will be warmer." She asked me once she got under the blankets. I quickly nodded my head yes and she came right over. I immediately put my arm around her stomach, I felt her legs intertwine with mine and she let me use her arm as a pillow.

And being this close to her just made me let out a sigh that I didn't know I was holding in. "I really missed you, Tobin."

"I really missed you too Chris." Was the last thing I heard before falling into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give a kudos and leave a comment.


	20. Part Twenty

**Christen's PoV**

"What in the fuck are you doing out here?" I heard Alyssa shout at me, jolting me awake.

"Fuck," I muttered out, opening my eyes to realize I was on the makeshift bed alone. I let a sigh of relief out. "I must have fallen asleep out here." I immediately got up out of the bed collecting all the towels and folding them, actively avoiding Alyssa's eyes which I could feel on me.

"With blankets on top of you?"

"Okay so maybe I chose to sleep outside."

"Why?"

"I don't know Lys, maybe I just felt like it."

"Are you okay?" She kept prodding.

"Of course I am okay. Why wouldn't I be and what's with the interrogation anyway." I attacked her instead of hoping she would stop asking me questions.

"You're doing it again." She said after a few quiet moments.

"Doing what?" I asked her finally looking up at her confused about what she was saying.

"Pushing me away." She told me in a matter of fact tone.

My stomach dropping at her words, knowing she was right and she doesn't even know the extent of how right she is. "I'm sorry Alyssa."

"You don't have to be sorry Chris, just talk to me."

She is right, I should probably talk to someone, but I honestly don't even know where I would start. Do I start with Alex and how I like her and she might like me too, or she could have just been drunk? Or do I start with Tobin showing back up in my life? If that is even what happened. I mean yes she was here last night but what does that even mean? How do I know I can trust what she told me.Where is she now? And can I actually talk about any of this right now?

"It's just that a lot of stuff happened last night and I am very confused and I don't know what to do."

"Do you want to talk it through with me?"

"Kind of," I admitted. It would be nice to hear what she thinks. Especially about

Alex. Alyssa is very good at observing people and getting a good read on them. But I don't know if I want to get her involved just yet.

"Kind of?" She asked me confused

"I do want to talk to you, but I think I just need some more time to get more information first."

"You promise you will talk to me after?"

"I promise Lys."

"Okay good. Now let's go gets some breakfast." She said with a smile on her face now.

So I grabbed my phone, which of course was dead and I headed inside with Alyssa. As soon as I walked into the kitchen, I could smell food and be consumed by chatter. It seemed like the whole team did stay over after all. Which usually I am okay with, but honestly I just want to be alone. Or maybe not alone I wanted to be with someone but I just haven't figured that someone out yet. Tobin was gone and I had no clue when or if she would be back. And Alex well I think the first thing I need to do is talk to her.

"Morning Chris! You want some breakfast?" Ali asked me. I looked around the room first to see if I could find Alex, but she was nowhere to be seen.

"Umm yeah maybe in a few minutes I need to get out of the clothes, brush my teeth and charge my phone first." Ali just nodded her head in agreement. I headed down the hallway to my room. When I got in there I could hear the shower go and my bed was empty. So Alex was in the shower? What do I do know wait for her here, no that would be creepy. So I quickly threw my clothes off my body and got changed and then I plugged my phone in a headed back to the kitchen.

I grabbed a plate and filled it up with food, which I honestly had no clue whomade it because I was usually the one who had to cook for everyone. And I went over to the couch where I found an open spot next to Alyssa who must have saved it for me because everywhere else was taken.I sat down and leaned my back against her front while she played with my hair and talked to Ashlyn. I was content just sitting here eating my food listening to all the different conversations that were happening around me. Well, that was until Alex came down.

"Oh Alex, nice of you to finally join us." Ashlyn greeted her.

"Why do you need to yell?" She responded quietly making her way into the room to plop down onto Allie's lap.

"She isn't even being that loud Alex, you are just super hungover right now. You had more to drink than I even did." Kelley added.

"Shout up Kel. It wasn't that bad."

"Seriously Alex? You were super drunk last night. You were dancing all crazily and then when you danced with poor Chris. Oh man, you were all over her." Pinoe chimed in now. And at the mention of my name I shrunk more into Alyssa trying not to look up and what was happening."You are lucky it wasn't some football asshole because damn was you handsy. Wasn't she Chris?" She asked me, but didn't even let me respond before she continued." Don't you remember any of this?" She asked Alex.

"No, I don't really remember much of last night." And that is what finally sent me crashing down. She promised she would remember. She promised she meant what she said and now she doesn't even remember what happened. And I knew then by how much it hurt, that I do like Alex.

I got up from my spot on the couch, Alyssa grabbed my hand making me pause and look back at her before I walked away. She raised an eyebrow, silently asking me if I was okay. I shook my head no. She tried to get up with me, but I pushed her back down and she sat back down reluctantly. She got the message that I needed to be alone.

I quickly put my dish into the sink and then headed to my room. I slammed my door shut, in frustration. Why can't my life just be simple? I ran up to a soccer ball in my room and slammed my foot into it and I heard it hit the back of the net in my room with a thud. I kept doing this trying to get my frustrations out until I heard a door behind me open and then close a couple of minutes later.

"I don't want to talk yet Alyssa," I said without turning around.

"She tried to come to talk to you, but I thought we really needed to talk instead." I flipped around at this voice and standing in front of me was Alex. And she had a fucking smile on her face.

"What is it, Alex?" I spit out at her, still angry she doesn't remember anything that happened yesterday and especially her coming in here with a smile on her face.

"Well, I thought we need to talk." She said with an uneasy smile on her face.

"What could we possibly have to talk about?" I asked still not understanding what it means if she is here asking me to talk.

"Well, I seem to remember a certain someone last night not believing me when I said she wouldn't be taking advantage of me if she kissed me. So you promised me a kiss."

"You remember what happened last night?" I asked out in disbelief.

"Of course I remember."

"But you just told the team..."

"I just didn't want them to know about what happened. About us, especially when we didn't even have a chance to talk yet." She confessed walking over to me and sitting next to me on my bed.

"So you want to talk about what happened?" I asked her worried about the direction of the conversation. Is she going to say she doesn't want to be with me?

"I really do like you Chris, I know we didn't start off on great terms. I was a serious bitch when you first came here, I was still getting over things, but I meant what I said last night I have liked you for a while now. I just I'm still not entirely over what happens with ummm with Tobin and I know you are different it's just I am worried because I haven't really known you for long and so I wasn't planning on making the move on you yet especially not in front of everyone like it happened but maybe we can try this out?" She looked up at me hope present in her eyes.

Now here is where I have to make a decision. Tobin or Alex. No matter how strong my feelings for Tobin are, and yes after last night I knew I still had feelings for her. But I still was unsure about if there ever is a chance to be together. Especially now with her living in a different city and there is still the chance I might lose everyone else if I chose to be with Tobin. Not to mention it looks like she left again without any explanation.

And then there is Alex. In theory Alex is the obvious choice. Of course, I am attracted to her mean she is gorgeous, and not to mention popular, talented and we get along really well, but we never have had that connection I felt like I did what Tobin and I think that is what has been holding me back, but I think I need to give Alex the chance. I need to see if we could be something because the future with Alex is way easier to picture right now than a future with Tobin. And I am tired of having a complicated life. I just want something simple, something sure. So my decision was made.

I grabbed her hand and intertwined our fingers. "Alex do you want to go on a date with me?"

She smiled back at me." Really?"

"Really, I like you too Alex and I think we should see if we can be more than friends. So will you go on a date with me tonight?"

"Yes."

.

.

.

.

.

So I took Alex out on a date that night. And it was.....It was nice I guess. I mean don't get me wrong we had fun together she didn't want to really go out anywhere, because she still didn't feel very well from the night before. So instead we cooked dinner together and we watched a movie. We had a free-flowing conversation, it was never awkward, but we didn't ever talk about anything important or anything personal. Which I thought was weird because unlike the others I haven't really told her much about my personal life.

We cuddled during the romantic movie. Like I said it was nice, comfortable, nothing was extraordinary about it. It felt like any other night I have had with Alyssa, Allie, Ali or Kelly, except when she leaned in to say goodbye and I connected our lips it was hot. From the moment our lips touched it was like I was on fire. It immediately got out of hand, and we had to back away from each other before we went too far.

And after we kissed she asked me to keep this between us for now. She told me she didn't want to tell the team because they will just put a lot of pressure on us and she doesn't want that when we are just starting our relationship.And I agreed understanding where she was coming from, so for the three weeks when Alex and I were at school, practice, or just in public, in general, we acted just like before towards each other. And no one noticed.

But almost every night she would come over and we would hang out and make out. I was okay with it in the beginning or at least I thought I was. In the beginning, I was happy, I was happy with how relaxed we were. I was okay with how things were. We both never took anything to seriously, we didn't try and label anything, we never pushed each other to talk, we were just together.

And like I said I was okay with that to start with. I think I was just excited at the idea of dating someone new and the excitement of just the two of us know about it, but after about the first week of it our relationship started to remind me of my last one and that is what really scared me. So I tried to get to know her more and she would answer some of my questions, the ones that weren't really personal or she would just try to distract me instead, which mostly lead us to just being physical or her getting to know me better.

It was also starting to bug me when I had to lie to everyone else. I hated lying to them about what my plans were because Alex wanted me to hang out. And so I tried to convince Alex to let us tell the team or at least a few people but she just refused to say she wasn't ready to be public yet. And I was determined not to push her so we kept it a secret. And you may be asking why that was okay with me, why haven't I broken up with her. And honestly, at this point I was just afraid of hurting her. Because even though I may be not happy with the way our relationship is, I can tell she is and I can't hurt her. She doesn't deserve that. So I stayed with Alex. Plus, it's not like I am unhappy. It's nice to connect with someone physically again. Someone reliable. I always know what I'm going to get with Alex. 

And you may be also wondering whatever happened with Tobin? And that is a great question.

It was the night after my first day with Alex. I was just getting comfortable in bed, exhausted from the extremely long day I had when I remembered I hadn't had my phone with me all day. I quickly opened it and looked through all the notifications, which were mostly people telling me how awesome the party was and the team asking what the plans were for practice this week. Except when I was closing all my apps I noticed the note app was open and that was confusing to me because I never write anything in there because I usually carry a notebook around.

When I opened I found an explanation from Tobin.

Hey Chris, I had to leave early before the team woke up, I was going to wake you up to say goodbye but you looked so peaceful I just couldn't do it. I want to say thank you for last night. I still can't believe how amazing of a person you are. Thank you for comforting me, when I didn't deserve the comfort, thank you for letting me tell you my side of the story, and thank you for letting me hold you all night.

I know you still aren't sure about how you feel about me and if you will let me be in your life again, so I will give you the space you need. I hope you don't mind but I looked up your cellphone number on your phone,( you really should have a lock on this thing 😉) I plan on calling you tomorrow if that is okay? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I just... I miss you so much and I just want to hear your voice, but if you don't want to talk right now I understand. I will wait forever if that's what you need.

❤ Tobin

As you can imagine this took me by surprise. Honestly, at that point I didn't know what to expect. I don't know if she would really call or not. Or if I would even answer it or not. Especially now that I am dating Alex, I really don't want to hurt her but at the same time, I know that if there was a chance I could talk to Tobin I was going to take it.

And that's what I did. I answered the call from a random number that happened to be Tobin and we just talked. This happened every other day. I would get a call from a different number and we would just talk forever. About almost everything. She told me stories about when she was growing up and I told her stories about when I was growing. We asked each other about our days, each summarizing what happened that day. She would help me with my homework, giving me the help and encouragement I needed to keep my grades up. We even talked some deeper stuff.

I talked about my dad being absent and I even briefly mentioned that my mom died. She talked about how she doesn't have parents anymore because they kicked her out for being gay. I even admitted to her that I was sort of dating someone, of course, I didn't tell her who, but she sounded really disappointed at first but she told me she was happy, I am happy.

And somehow she even got me to talk more about my relationship. She never asked me who it was but she listened to all my frustrations about her not opening up and how I wanted to be more. She listened to never really giving advice she just listened and it was perfect. She was becoming my best friend and it just made me miss her all the more. But she did say she was coming back for this next weekend and that she wanted to hang out with me and stay over my house, which of course I gladly agreed.

.

.

.

.

.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

I ran to the door and threw it open. Impatient to finally see the smile and the eyes I have been waiting to see. She dropped her bag to the floor and wrapped her around my torso picking me off the ground. She put me down just to keep me close, but so that she could cup my face.

"Hey, beautiful." I felt my cheeks heating up and I looked down to get away from her intense gaze.

"Hey, Toby," I mumbled out.

She grabbed under my chin, making me look back up at her. "You can't look away like that. I have missed those pretty eyes too much to have you staring at the ground like that."

"That's all you have missed? My eyes?" I pretended to be upset, teasing her.

"I mean it's one of the biggest reasons I came to visit." She admitted. I tilted my head confused at what she was talking about. She laughed at my reaction and then explained. "See I had to come to visit you because every time I was on the phone with you, I tried to picture in my head every story you told me and there was just one fact that I just could not figure out." She paused again a frown on her face.

"Even now standing in front of you I still can't figure out if your eyes are green or grey."

"You dork." I pushed her away from me giggling. I walked into the kitchen and I heard her follow. God damn it I forgot how fucking smooth this girl is. It's only been a few minutes and she had me blushing and smiling like an idiot. "So what do you want to do?"I called out knowing she was somewhere in here.

"Can you make so food? You are such a good cook and I am starving. "

"Okay, sit down I think I have all the stuff for some pasta."

"Thanks, Chris." She moved from where she was in the doorway to the counter, but before she could there was a quick knock on the garage door. I looked over at her quickly and her eyes were wide with panic. I turn away and ran to the door.

I barely got there in time to see Alex walking in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen I know you don't like Alex and Christen together. Neither do I. But sometimes people just like to be with people who distract them from the person they can't be with. Sometimes people just don't want to be lonely. 
> 
> Tobin and Alex are finally in the same house together again. Confrontation here we come! 
> 
> Leave a comment about how much you just want Christen and Tobin together. 
> 
> Leave a kudos, because it's a holiday for fuck's sake.


	21. Part Twenty-One

"What are you doing here?" I asked out, while I quickly blocked the walkway to the kitchen. Leaning back slightly to see if the kitchen was empty and surprisingly it was. I finally looked back at Alex in relief, but I was back to being worried when I saw her face.

Her eyes were all red and puffy. She had been crying.

"What's wrong?" I made my way over to her. Wrapping her in my arms and pulling her into the kitchen. I sat her down in one of the bar stools and took her face in my hands wiping the new tears that were falling down her face. "What happened, sweetie?" I asked again trying to get some answers.

She finally made eye contact with me. I could tell she was really thinking hard about whether or not she was actually going to tell me. And when she opened her mouth I really thought she was finally going to open up to me, but instead, she pulled me closer to her and kissed me. Hard. I kissed her back without thinking, being consumed by her like always. It wasn't until I felt her hand sneaking up my shirt and on my bare skin did I realize what was happening.

I pulled away from her taking a step back. "We should stop, we should be talking about why you are upset not making out."

"Please Chris, I don't want to talk. I just need to feel you." She pleaded to me.

"Alex..." Before I could finish my protest I heard a loud bang coming from the room next room. "Stay here." I spat out at Alex before running to the other room.

I opened and closed the door to one of the random guest rooms that was right off the kitchen locking it behind me. Across the room was Tobin who was pacing aggressively, back and forth in front of a hole in the wall. I looked around for what could have caused that and finally, I saw her hand balled up in a fist and I could see droplets of blood falling from her knuckles.

"Tobin?" I whispered out quietly. She immediately stopped pacing and flipped around to face me.

"I can't believe this. I can't fucking believe this." She mumbled out angrily.

"Tobin, I don't understand what's wrong?"

"You don't understand what's wrong? You can't be fucking serious?" She said while stalking towards me. I back away from her until my back hit the door with a thud.

"Tobin please calm down," I whispered out scared. I have never seen Tobin like this. Furious. I think she realized at that moment just how afraid of her I was because she immediately stepped back away from me. But I could tell she was still just as angry as before, she just had a little more self control now.

"The girl you have been dating is Alex?" She asked me. I just nodded my head in confirmation. She nodded to herself, walking further away from me to kick the bed which slide across the room and hit the wall with a crack. "You should have told me it was her. Why didn't you tell me it was her?"

"Christen is everything okay?" Alex voiced asked through the door.

"Yeah sorry, I just need to take care of something really quick. Give me a minute and I will meet you okay in the kitchen."

"Okay." She responded. And I heard her footsteps back away from the door.

"I have to go to Alex before she gets more suspicious. Can we talk about this later?" I didn't wait for her answer as I moved to open the door.

"You shouldn't be with her. " Tobin said right before I walked out.

"I don't think you have the right to tell me who to be with Tobin," I said with finality, frustrated that she thinks she can tell me who to be with as I walked back towards the kitchen.

Alex was sitting on one of the barstools just playing with her fingers as she waited for me. "Hey sorry, I ummm had to..." I tried coming up with an excuse when I was interrupted.

"Tell her the truth! Tell her what actually happened with us!" Tobin shouted as she strode into the room heading right past me and towards Alex.

"T-Tobin?" Alex stuttered in surprise.

"Tell her what really happened Alex, or I will."

"I don't know what you are talking about." She stammered out.

"Tell her the fucking truth, Alex!" Tobin screamed. Alex, with pure panic on her face, tried to get away but Tobin had her pinned against the countertop. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do at first. By then Alex made eye contact with me and I saw how scared she was and I jumped in.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" I asked Tobin outraged at her behavior. I quickly moved over to them, and grabbed Tobin and pushed her away from Alex.

"I'm trying to get her to tell the truth for once in her life." She yelled trying to move towards Alex again, but I shoved her back. I heard Alex whimper in fear behind me.

"Tobin you need to calm down," I said as I moved closer to Alex placing her behind me, and I felt her hand grabbing a bunch of my shirt and her head against my back.

I don't know what finally did it, maybe it was me stepping in between Alex and her, or maybe it was her seeing how scared Alex was, but Tobin finally let out a frustrated sigh and seemed to calm down.

"Alex, Chris has told me about your relationship so tell me this is not what I am thinking. Tell me you aren't treating her the same as you treated me. Tell me it's different and I will leave this alone." I was so confused at what Tobin is talking about so I thought it was best to stay quiet and apparently Alex did too since she didn't answer. "I can't just ignore this Alex. I can't let you do this to Christen. I can't let you take everything away from her as you did to me. Tell her the truth or I finally will." Tobin shouted out the ultimatum I could see by the fire in her eyes that she was getting angry again and when Alex made no move after a few seconds

Tobin stalked in towards us again.

Alex didn't respond to Tobin, but she nestled in closer to my back and let out another whimper and my protectiveness overcame me.

"Tobin calm the fuck down. You are scaring Alex. "

"You can't be serious Chris. She using you. She is lying to you, she lies to everyone. She probably doesn't even care about you. I don't think she is even capable of caring about someone. Or at least not caring about someone else more than herself." She took a step in our direction once again and Alex gripped me in fear once again. "Asks her why she is actually afraid of me. It's not because she thinks I am going to hurt her. It's because she is scared I am going, to tell the truth."

"She's the liar Christen. You can't trust her." Alex whispered from behind me. And the way her voice broke when she said made me think she was lying.

"That's bullshit, Alex and you know it. Chris, you know me, you know the real me. I am not lying I promise." Tobin swore to me.

We weren't getting anywhere with Tobin being this furious and aggressive. If I was going to get any answers about what the hell was going onI had to talk to one of them individually. But who do I start with? The girl who has grown to be my best friend or the girl who I am currently dating. "Tobin you should just leave," I said finally coming to a decision.

Instantly I could see pain fill her eyes, I realize the way I phrased it, it made it sound like I just wanted Tobin to leave. That I was choosing Alex over her and I could see how much that hurt her, but before I could explain she interrupted me.

"Chris, you can't seriously think she really cares about you. Think about everything you told me about your guy's relationship. Alex only cares about herself. I can't

believe you are this stupid."

And that's when I felt a pain go right through my heart. Tobin had just called me stupid. She knew the insecurities I had about my intelligence she knew how much it would hurt me if she said something like that. And the worst part is I knew she meant to hurt me because unlike before when she was spitting out her words in anger. She had said this in a rather calm matter, meaning she knew exactly what she was saying.

And at this realization, that she had wanted to cause me harm. I felt the tears that I was trying so hard to keep in slid down my face because she promised she would never hurt me on purpose. "Get. Out. Of. My. House." I managed to muttered out taking a breath in between each word to make sure my voice didn't crack.

"Chris..." Tobin whispered out moving closer to me reaching and trying to grab my hand. I flinched away from her contact. "Chris.. please... I am so sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I was just hurt. You are brilliant. You are perfect in every way. I'm so sorry... Please don't make me leave...Please don't leave me. Please just let me explain. Just give me a chance to finally tell you everything." Her voice quivering in panic. So at least she realized that she has hurt me.

I finally looked up at her to see her sobbing. She looked like she was on the verge of having another panic attack. Seeing her look so vulnerable like that would normally make me want to wrap her in my arms and comfort her, but I knew I couldn't do that right now. Or more accurately I didn't want to. Some small part of me was happy she was in as much pain as I am. "Tobin.."

"No please Chris just let me explain. If you still want me to leave after I swear I will. I just can't let you continue to be with her without knowing the truth. Please, Chris, you know me, you are one of my closet friends, I just don't want you to get hurt. "

"I don't know Tobin it seemed like you just did want me to get hurt."

I turned around to face Alex, who had tears in her eyes. "Alex, are you going to tell me what Tobin is talking about?"

She sighed out letting a few more tears run down her face, before opening her mouth, but just to shake her head no. I let out a frustrated sigh with her. "I just can't." She admitted quietly and without another word I left to my own room. Where

I made sure to lock the door behind me. And I just fell down to the floor right there.

And finally, I let myself completely break down.

I must have cried for at least a couple of hours. Well, at least it felt that way. I did cry until no more tears came out. Even then it was hard to catch my breath. I somehow dragged myself onto my bed and covered myself with my covers helping me calm down some. But now thatI was calm I realized thatI was faced with the reality that either my best friend is lying to about who she is or my girlfriend is lying to me. And I honestly don't know which one I hoped was telling the truth. I was hurt and I was lost.

And with this new pain in my heart and haunting my thoughts I fell asleep.

.

.

.

.

I was sitting in the chair that I have been sitting in for the past month, hearing the same beeping of the machines, reading out loud to my mom. When all of a sudden she cleared her voice and squeezed my hand that was wrapped in hers.

"What's wrong mom? Do you need any more drugs?"

"No Baby, I just want you to know that since the moment I knew I was pregnant with you, it's always been you and me and as much as I wished you didn't see me like this, I couldn't be happier that you are here for the end of my life. I am so proud of you honey. I want you to live your life for both of us okay?"

"Mom please don't talk like that. I don't want you to leave me. I am not ready for you to leave me.

"I promise I will never leave you. I wish we could have more time together, but Ipromise you even if I am not physicallyhere with you I am always with you. I love you so much, baby."

"I love you too mom."

.

.

.

.

I woke up sobbing hysterically. I haven't had to relive that moment for a while now, the last few moments my mom was here with me. But now that I did I felt myself lose control of my breathing. I heard the sobs rack through my body, I knew I was having a panic attack, but I couldn't get myself to calm down.

"Chris are you okay?" I heard Tobin's voice through the door. At first, I was surprised she was here still. I just assumed she left. I tried to answer her to tell her to leave, but I just couldn't catch enough air to say something. "Chris please answer me. If you don't answer me I am coming in."

And after a few seconds, she did just that. I heard her slam against my door until it opened up. "Chris, what's wrong?" She asked me. I couldn't do anything but just try to catch my breath, but she caught on anyway. Immediately coming over to me and tried towrap me in her arms.

But I couldn't let her do that I didn't want her I wanted my mom. So I shoved her away from me. "P-please. Leave." I managed to get out between sobs.

"Chris I know you don't want me here, but please just let me help you. Please." She pleaded with me approaching me slowly before finally putting her arms around me. As soon as her arms were around me it was easier to breathe and soon enough with her rubbing circles on my back with one of her hands my breathing was back to normal.

And with my breath finally, under control I remembered that I was angry with her. I pushed her away from her. Moving as far as possible away from her as possible while still staying on the bed. She looked hurt, but she didn't question it.

"I thought I told you to leave." I finally muttered out.

"I'm not going anywhere, Chris. I am tired of giving up on everything. I refuse to give up on us. I am so sorry for how I acted earlier, I shouldn't have lost my temper like that. I'm sorry if I scared you and I'm sorry I called you stupid and I am especially sorry that I broke my promise again and hurt you on purpose. But please don't give up on me. Please let me explain everything to you from the beginning. And I promise if you still want me to leave I will."

"Okay."

"Really? You are going to let me explain." I just nodded my head at this point I don't think it could get any worse.

"But you have to promise me to tell me the whole truth. I want to know everything."

"Okay, that's fair. I promise I will tell you everything. I guess I have to start at the beginning. Alex and I met when we were little and we clicked right away. From the second we met to years later we were inseparable. We each had other friends and we both, of course, had Allie, who kept us together, because even though Alex and I have always had this instant connection, we have always been completely different. I was quiet and she was loud. She likes going out and doing things like shopping while I would have rather stayed in and read a book.

I told you before that I have grown up religious, but that doesn't even really explain what my life was like. My whole life I was taught that I should be praying and spreading my faith, and on top of that my parents told me that along with that I had to do whatever they said or I was going to hell. They pushed me from the beginning, to be the person they thought I could be. As soon as they realized that I have an above-average intelligence they put me in extra classes and gave me extra work on top of whatever I was doing at school. Outside of school, they got me to play every instrument possible, especially for the church and they let me play sports. They always thought that I was there perfect daughter, and for a while I was.

But it was exhausting, I was always doing something, and when I hit high school I was tired of it. I didn't want to take extra classes, I didn't want to learn new instruments, I just wanted to play soccer. At first when I started to notice that I was different then what they raised to be I freaked out. When I started to question some of the rituals they wanted me to do when I started to question how they treated some people because they were different. And finally, I realized that I like girls. And not only did I like girls, but I was in love with my best friend.

But I was scared so I pushed her away, hell I pushed everyone away. I couldn't stand the thought of people finding out I wasn't who they have known for years. I couldn't stand the thought that I would lose them forever because of it. So I distanced myself from the whole team, hoping that if I kept to myself and I kept doing the things thateveryone expected me to do no one would find out.

Until one day Alex showed up at the field that I always practice at. She finally made me open up to her, and I did. I explained how I was scared of losing my family, losing my friends, and finally losing her. I admitted my feelings for her and to my surprise, she said she has liked me too for a while.

That was around the summer before our junior year. Alex and I started dating, but I asked her to keep it a secret because I was still terrified of what this could mean. That point in time my life was really taking off, I actually enjoyed what was happening in my life. I started to hang out with friends again, I was singing all the time, just because I was happy, and soccer just exploded for me.

I never told you this Chris, but I think we barely missed meeting each other years ago, you told me that you stopped playing soccer after your mom died, especially at the national level, but I never told you that I had just been invited around that time too. Even barely being a junior, schools were already trying to get me to commit to them, offering me full scholarships. Especially since they found out that I had the potential to graduate early. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I had my friends back, my future couldn't look any brighter, and the girl that I have loved for a while actually loved me back, but I still had my problems.

At home, my family started to notice that I was different, that I wasn't their perfect little girl anymore and I wasn't trying as hard to hide it anymore. So we fought, like a lot. I think they suspected that I was gay, but they never called me out on it, I think they were scared of the answer. And I knew that both Alex and I were struggling with keeping our relationship a secret from everyone, but especially from Allie. I just couldn't get myself to do it and it put a strain on our relationship.

Every time she would have to lie about what we were or what we were doing. I could tell it hurt her. We kept having the same arguments about our relationship, about how hard it was to keep a secret but she never really put up much of a fight to go public, At the time I thought she loved me too much to ask me to do something that she knew would cost me, my family.

Things started to get rough between us. We stopped spending so much alone time together, we didn't go out much when we did, I think we were both tired of hiding something so big. She never broke up with me and I couldn't get myself to break up with her because I loved her too much, so I thought it might just be best for everyone if I left. Towards the end of our junior year, I took the high school exit exam and easily passed it. I have told you this before, but what you don't know is why I took it. See North Carolina offered me a full-ride scholarship for the next year if I wanted it. And with my fighting with my family increasing and me tired of hurting Alex all the time I was going to leave.

So I went to Alex's to tell her what I was going to do. Except when I got to her house I couldn't get myself to say goodbye to her. So instead I thought we should have one last good day together before I left. So I convinced her to ditch school with me and we went to all our favorite places, the park where she got me to admit my feelings and she told me she like me back, the pizza place where we had our first official date, and then we went back to her house.

We were making out, and things started to get heated, we had had sex before but this was different. I was trying to say goodbye, and she thought that this day was me giving in to her and allowing us to be public. I was glad that I could finally make her happy even if it was just for a day. I was planning on sneaking out that night, but I guess I passed out because all of a sudden I was awaken by the door slamming open. There was a pause before I was aware of where I was, which was naked in Alex's bed with my arms wrapped around her. Alex's dad strode through the room furiously, right towards me. I quickly got up wrapping a blanket around me to cover myself. I tried apologizing to him, trying to come up with an excuse of why I would be naked, but he wasn't hearing it he grabbed me and threw me out.

I wanted to get back to Alex. I didn't want things to end like that between us, and I was honestly scared of what her dad was going to do because he was pissed. After a few failed attempts to get back in the house, I realized that it was no use now. So I went home to at least grab some new clothes and figure out how I was going to talk to Alex because she wasn't answering any of my calls or texts. But before I could leave my house to go back I heard a phone ring through the house. I heard yelling and then I heard footsteps coming for my room.

My dad burst through my room and started to yell at me. Apparently Alex's dad called my dad and told them what happened. And I think the knowledge of him finally finding out that I was gay is what pushed him over the edge. And before I knew it I was being kicked out of my house. Honestly, at that point it didn't really phase me, I had been expecting it to happen soon, and I was planning on leaving anyway, but I think mostly I was just worried about Alex.I ran to her house and tried looking for a way to get into to her house, but I couldn't. I wasn't going to give up, but her dad threatened to call the cops if I didn't get off their property. So I went to the park down the street where I planned on just waiting until morning to talk to her, because I thought that they would at least make her go to school except she didn't leave her house the whole day, none of them did.

I didn't know what to do, so I tried to go back to my house to try and get as much stuff as possible from my house because I was going to be leaving in the next few days. I could gather much but I managed to get most of my clothes and some money that I had hidden. I knew I wouldn't be allowed to sleep there, and I thought about going to Allie's but I didn't want to explain to her why I was so sad and desperate to talk to Alex, because then I would have to explain everything to her and I didn't want to risk the chance that she would get angry at me before I left. So I slept in the park again, until I decided I should go to school to at least say goodbye to everyone and hopefully Alex would show up and I could talk to her one last time.

And I think that you know the rest of the story from here."

As you can imagine I had been in shock throughout her telling me everything, and the way she told me everything all the details and the happiness and pain that were in her eyes throughout the story I knew she was telling me the truth, but I still had questions about things that didn't match up.

"Why did you never leave?"

"Because North Carolina took back the scholarship."

"Why would they do that?"

"Well because after what Allie did to me, the broken ribs and the broken ankle, I couldn't play anymore, or at least not right away as they needed me to so they told me to wait to see if I could make a recovery."

"Why did Alex lie about you raping her?"

"Ah yes that, well I can't really explain that, see because Alex never really explained it to me. She never even talked to me after. She never explained to me why she took my friends and as result soccer away from me. She never explained to me why she ruined my life. Well, that was until a couple of hours ago. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's Tobin's side of the story. Leave a comment and give a kudos.


	22. Part Twenty-Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It starts off in Tobin's Point of View. Goes to Christen's.

**Tobin's PoV**

"A few hours ago?" She asked me.

"Yeah after you ran off Alex tried to leave too, but I couldn't let her do that. Thiswas the only real chance I was going to get to finally get some answers. "

"And she just gave them to you?"

"Yeah, she finally explained everything that happened between us."

"And what did happened?"

.

.

.

**I paused for a second deciding which girl I should chase after. I know I really fucked up with Chris, and I know I need to apologize for how I acted and what I said, but I couldn't pass up this opportunity to get the answers I need.**

**"Alex, wait you can't just leave now." I chased after her managing to grab her hand stopping her from walking out the door.**

**"Please just let me go, Tobin." She pleaded with me, without turning around to look at me.**

**"No Alex, I deserve answers and you know it."**

**"I can't Tobin."**

**"That's bullshit Alex. You should have talked to me. You took everything away from me with no explanation. Why?" She finally turned around to look at me.**

**"I didn't mean to." She whispered out.**

**"You didn't mean to ruin my life? You told people I raped you Alex. What did you think was going to happen?" I asked her outraged at her answer.**

**"I didn't know what to do Tobin. Allie came to my house and she saw my room and she saw my face and she wouldn't stop asking questions." She mumbled out quickly.**

**"What do you mean she saw your face? What was wrong with your face?" I asked bewildered at what she was talking about.**

**"After my dad threw you out he stormed back into my room. I tried to leave. I tried to go to you, but he wouldn't let me. I was scared and I hoped you would come back and get me. He went on a rampage throwing stuff, breaking whatever he could his hands on. And when that wasn't enough he...he hit me."**

**"He hit you?" I asked out in disbelief. She nodded her head and tears were streaming down her face now.**

**"I have never seen him so angry before, even after he hit me once he wasn't happy. He just kept hitting me and asking me how I could do something so disgusting. He didn't stop until I passed out." She sobbed out the story to me.**

**I couldn't help, but go and try and comfort her. I put my arms around her and she immediately wrapped her body around me and kept crying. And her being in my arms like this reminded me of all the other times I have done exactly this, holding her, telling her how much I love her, telling her I will always protect her. "I tried to get back to you Alex I swear, but I couldn't get in. I should have tried harder, I shouldn't have given up so quickly, I saw how angry he was. I'm sorry that that happened to you, I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."**

**"It's okay Tobin, I don't blame you for the way my dad reacted."She admitted.**

**"Then why did you do it, Alex, if you didn't blame me for what your dad did why did you tell Allie I raped you?" I asked way more calm then I was before, but I still needed to know why.**

**"After my dad hit me he threatened me saying that if I ever told anybody about what he did or if he ever saw me with you again he would kill you, Tobin. And after what he just did to me, I believed him. So I was going to just stay home for a few days and wait for the bruising to go away, and I wasn't going to talk to you until I went back to school and then I was going to break up with you, but then Allie came. And she wouldn't leave, and I had to tell her something, but it couldn't be the truth. I also didn't want to put her in any danger, but I didn't know what to do, I couldn't come up with an explanation as to why I was this beat up. And she just kept asking questions until finally I just started to tell her how the day started. I told her you came over and we had a great day together and then.... it hit me... I knew how much you loved me and even if I came up with an excuse right then and there as to why my face looked like that and got Allie to believe it, I didn't know how I was going to get you to stay away from me. And so I knew what I had to do.......I knew about North Carolina Tobin."**

**"What? How did you find out about that?"**

**"We talked about it before when they first started to talk to you. And then when you came over I saw the test results in the back of your car when we were getting the blankets out of your car for the park. And that's when I realized what that day was really about. You were trying to say goodbye to me." She told me with a frown on her face.**

**"I didn't know what else to do Alex. Constantly fighting with my family, lying to all of our friends, and hurting you every time I still couldn't go public, it was killing me. I thought it would be best if I just left."**

**"I know Tobin and at first I was going to beg you to stay with me, tell you how much I love you and how I would rather still have you belong to me in secret than not at all. But I never got the chance to tell you to stay and then I realized it was good that I never told you because after my dad found out I knew it was best to let you leave... I wanted you to have a better life and I thought that this new start was probably the best thing for you. And with this in mind, I knew what I had to tell Allie. So I told Allie you finally confessed your feelings for me and that I told you we couldn't be together. I told her that you became furious with me, throwing stuff around the room until finally you lost it and hit me.**

**I was going to leave it at that, leave it at you finally letting all your frustrations out because even that was hard for me to get out....Allie didn't know everything that was going on with us and with you, but she knew that you had been struggling so it wasn't hard for her to believe that you had finally broken down. Except I didn't factor in Allie's stubbornness, because she immediately wanted to talk to you. She couldn't believe you could do something like that. She thought that something was really wrong with you and that you needed her help. She was going to try and help you still, try and talk to you still about what happened....... And I couldn't let her do that, because I know that if she talked to you and confronted you then you would understand what really happened to me and I knew that if you ever found out my Dad hitting me you would never leave me, you would want to stay to protect me and I know that you needed to leave.....So I had to tell Allie something that would get her to stop talking to you altogether."**

**"So you told her I raped you," I said completing her explanation to me.**

**"It killed me saying that. To not only know that I was going to take away your best friend from you but to just say that you would ever do something so horrific. It killed me, Toby. But I really was trying to protect you from my father and I knew with North Carolina you would be okay."**

**"Except once again you didn't account for Allie."**

**She sighed out before she continued to explain. "I told Allie not to tell anyone, but you know how Allie is, she will always do what she thinks is right... I had to stay at home because of the bruises and so I didn't know what she was going to do until after she did it. After she told me I couldn't believe that she hurt you like that and that she told all our friends. I didn't think Allie would ever do anything to hurt you. She loved you so much, Toby.**

**And it wasn't until after that I realized what that meant for you. I realized that you couldn't play anymore, meaning I not only took everything away from you here but that I took away your future too." She paused new tears now streaming down her face. She took the time to pause and catch her breath before she continued to talk.**

**"I'm so sorry Tobin. Like so unbelievably sorry. I know you can't ever forgive me and I understand that. I don't expect you to. I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, I honestly was just trying to protect you. You don't know how many times I have wanted to explain to you, to tell you how much I miss you how much I still care for you and how absolutely sorry I am, but I couldn't face you. I couldn't handle facing you, the person I cared for most in this world and see how much pain I have caused you. "**

**+Christen's PoV+**

I have been silently listening to Tobin recount what had just happened with Alex, but I finally broke the silence. "So she was trying to protect you?"

"I guess, but it obviously didn't work out."

"Did you forgive her?"

"I don't know for sure, now that she explained why she did what she did, I don't know how to feel. She didn't know what Allie was going to do...She was just trying to protect me and how can I hate someone who was trying to protect me? Except its not that simple...When Alex first came into my life... romantically, I was in a really bad place, but she waltz into my lifeand made me feel special, but when she left not only did she leave me she took away everything that I had, my family, my friends, soccer. So, of course, I hated her, how could I not, she took everything away from me and the way she did it I believed that she never loved me at all. I mean how could someone say they love you and then tell everyone you care about that you raped them. It never made sense and so the only explanation I could think of was that Alex never really loved me and so now that I know she did it because she cared about me I need some time, to process, to just think. So can we please just not talk about Alex right now. In the meantime though speaking of forgiveness, I am so sorry Chris."

"Tobin..."

"No look, my behavior was unacceptable, I know that. I just... I heard you....ummm 'comforting' your girlfriend and I was just going to hide and wait for you to be done...but then I heard you say her name and I lost it. Everything you have told me about your relationship with her, how you only hang out in private, how you guys weren't public, how you haven't told your friends and so I couldn't help but think that your relationship was exactly like ours was and remember I didn't know why Alex really did what she did, so I was furious. Furious that she was just using you as she did to me, furious that she was going to ruin your life, like she ruined mine, and so I lost. I couldn't let her do that to you, Chris, so I confronted her I wanted her to tell you the truth about us, about me, and when she didn't and you defended her and asked me to leave I snapped. I thought for sure you were choosing her over me and that seriously hurt me. I was so angry because it looked like Alex finally took you away from me and I am so so so sorry I called you stupid, I never meant that Chris, I just wanted to hurt and that was really wrong of me. I know I broke my promise of never hurting you, but please please forgive me."

"I forgive you, Tobin, I know you didn't really mean what you said you were just angry. I may have overreacted anyway."

"You didn't overreact, I should never have said that about you. I know that you have insecurities about your intelligence and I used that against you. But Chris you really are one of the most amazing people I have ever met, why can't you see that for yourself."

"Because I know that I am not."

"But why do you think you aren't amazing."

"Because too many people have already told me that I'm not."

"Chris, I don't know who these people are because they must not be here, because everyone here who has met you is obsessed with you."

"You're right they aren't here."

"Well if they aren't here, then they must not matter."

"Of course the matter Tobin. They were the most important people in my life."

"What do you mean Chris?"

"Well, obviously you know about my dad. He doesn't care enough to talk to me more than once every couple of weeks. Oh, and there was my last girlfriend who made it clear that I was never enough. And the worst was my mother."

"Oh come on Chris, I think your dad doesn't know how to be around you because you remind him too much of your mom. And your ex-girlfriend must have been an idiot to ever think someone could do better than you. And your mom loved you so much. You were her whole world."

"That may be true about me being my mom's whole world, but she didn't want it to be that way."

"I'm confused Chris," I confessed.

"I told you that my mom died from cancer." She nodded her head in agreement.

"Well, after she found out that she had cancer she found my dad. She knew how aggressive her cancer was and she knew she didn't have very much time left. I think she found him just so I wouldn't be alone after she died, but when he got there he immediately took everything over. He had his money and he was going to use it. He put my mom through every experiment that there was, some seemed to work until they didn't. And one of them was particularly horrible. It would cause my mom to have temperamental mood swings, my mom was always the nicest person, but when she went through these treatments she started to throw tantrums and she would yell at the nurses and me... She would curse at them and call them..... and I name, like stupid or idiot.Sometimes she would completely forget who everyone was and where she was..... Seeing her like that was almost worst then seeing her sick....... One time I was sitting by her bed and she didn't recognize me at all, and she started talking to me about how she wished she did more stuff in her life and that she wished she didn't get pregnant in high school. She wished she never even had me."

"Oh, Chris you can't really believe she meant any of that. You said it yourself, she wasn't herself when she was on these drugs."

"You weren't there Tobin, you didn't see how serious she was. She meant it." She whispered out. Tears flowing down her face now. I moved closer to her and slowly wrapped my arms around her waist pulling her into my side. She immediately wrapped her arms around my neck and was crying into my neck.

"Chris, I may have never met your mom, but you have told me so many stories about you growing up and all that she did for you. I know what it's like to have parents not care about you so trust me your mom loved you."

She pulled away slightly so she could look up at my face. "You really think so?"

"I know so," I reassured her.

"Thank you." She whispered out and leaned in a placed a kiss on my cheek. I felt my cheeks heat up with a blush as she pulled away and gave me a shy smile, but then her smile was interrupted by a yawn.

"You want to go to sleep now?" I asked her and she just nodded her head sleepily. She moved away from me and climbed onto her bed and got underneath the covers. I smiled down at her and started to make my way off the bed and towards the door when she called out to me.

"Where are you going?"

"I was going to go to sleep in the other room. Unless you want me to leave entirely, I can go find somewhere to stay?" I offered worried again that she hasn't entirely forgiven me.

"You don't want to stay and cuddle with me?" She whispered out.

"Do you want me to?" I asked her again making sure she was sure.

"Tobin, come cuddle with me." She told me sternly.

"Okay." I agreed with a smile on my face. I hurriedly made my way over to the bed and climbed into the bed. Chris immediately turned and intertwined our legs and moved so her head was rested on my chest and her arms were around my waist. I let out a content sigh thinking about how lucky I was to have the most perfect girl in my arms even after everything I have done.

That's when I remember there is still so much that we need to talk about, my past, her past, and I think the scariest thing to me was her present and her future, because I just remembered that the perfect girl that was in my arms right now, the girl that I have very strong feelings for, the girl who I would give everything up for, belongs to the girl that who took everything away from me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So what do you guys think of this story so far? I hope you are enjoying it. 
> 
> Leave a comment. Let me know what you think. Drop a kudos. 
> 
> What do you guys think is going to happen next?
> 
> What will happen to Alex and Chris?
> 
> Or Chris and Tobin?
> 
> Or even Tobin and Alex? 
> 
> Will the team ever figure out what is going on? 


	23. Part Twenty-Three

**Christens POV**

I awoke suddenly in the middle of the night. I must have been having a bad dream or something because I felt the sweat on my forehead and I felt my pulse thrumming. I rolled over in the dark and saw Tobin.

At first seeing her here spread out on the other side of the bed, practically as far away from me as possible, freaked me out. For the first time, I thought about what exactly has happened in the last 12 hours.

Tobin came to visit me.

Tobin finding out about Alex and I dating.

Tobin confronting Alex about their past.

Tobin calling me stupid.

Tobin calming me down after my panic attack.

Tobin explaining to me her side of what she believed happened between her and Alex.

Tobin explaining why Alex did what she did.

And with all that has happened, there was one thing that I was finally relieved to hear. I finally got to hear that the Tobin I know is actually the real Tobin. I don't have to have any reservations anymore about who she is, because she is the person I always thought she was. But the problem is there are so many things thatI am still unsure of.

First where do I stand with Alex.

We are technically still dating even though I haven't been happy in the relationship lately. I can't help but think we both have been using each other as a distraction. And on top of that, hearing how much Alex cared and maybe still cares about Tobin is a lot to take in. They really loved each other and I know that Alex and I are never going to care about each other like that, so I am going to end it with her.

But what about Tobin? Tobin and I have always had this connection. Everything has always been easy with us and I know from the beginning I have always wanted more from her and there were certainly times where I thought she did too. But now how does she feel? She has to be at least confused. I mean she just found out that her first love, never actually meant to cause her so much pain but was just trying to protect her. And now what does that mean for them? Will they want to get back together seeing as the reason they really broke up were multiple miscommunications and not a lack of love?

Frustrated at my own thought I instead tried to focus on something else and that something else just happened to be Tobin.

Her mouth was slightly open and she was letting soft breaths out that were now hitting me in the face. After a few seconds of admiring how adorable she looked, I saw her hand reaching out and trying to grasp something but was coming back empty. I looked back at her face and saw her eyebrows furrow like she was upset. Her hand continued to move until it came in contact with my stomach, she immediately grabbed my shirt which was bunched from how I slept earlier. I held absolutely still, trying not to wake her up, but curious as to where she was going with this.

And what she did next took my breath away.

After grabbing my shirt she spread her hand flat against my stomach and then she moved closer towards me until she was able to rest her head on my chest and her arm now was thrown over my side. Her face immediately relaxed and I heard her let out a content sigh and that put a smile on my face and I quickly forgot all my worries and went back to sleep.

.

.

.

This time when I woke up, it wasn't in a panic instead I woke up feeling more rested then I have in a while. I rolled over but was disappointed with an empty bed. I was disappointed until I realized I heard the shower going and someone singing in it.

"Loving her is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street

Faster than the wind, passionate as sin ending so suddenly

Loving her is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall

Like the colors in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all.

At first, I was shocked by just how talented she was. I didn't know much about singing, but the way Tobin was singing was so full of emotion and was still perfection. I was happy that I was finally hearing her sing, especially what sounded like to be a song she wrote. That was until I got over how amazing she sounded and actually listened to what she was singing about.

Losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark grey all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving her was red

Loving her was red

Oh losing her was blue like I'd never known

Missing her was dark gray all alone

Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met

'Cause loving her was red

Yeah, yeah red

We're burning red

And that's why she's spinning 'round in my head

Comes back to me, burning red

Yeah, yeah

Her love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street.”

As soon as she let out the last note I heard the water turn off. I quickly jumped out of bed. Throwing on some running shorts and a t-shirt that I found on the floor and head downstairs. There is no way I am able to face Tobin right now. I found myself putting on my running shoes and grabbing Morena from the backyard. I put a leash on her and just started to run, but I quickly was overcome by my thoughts.

Of course, Tobin still cares about Alex maybe even lovers her still. Why wouldn't she Alex is amazing, they grew up together, and they were each other's first everything's. Why did I ever think I stood a chance with Tobin. She probably doesn't even see me as anything more than a friend. Oh my god, I'm an idiot. As I thought back to what happened last night. I practically made Tobin stay the night with me and I made her cuddle with me.

Why did I do that? She couldn't have actually wanted to stay with me. She had just found out that the girl, who she was in love with didn't really mean to hurt her but instead loved her so much she tried to protect her. And Tobin probably just felt bad because I had a panic attack and she called me a name and that's the only reason she stayed last night.

Not because she wanted to pick me.

By this time I had circled around my neighborhood a couple of times and had stopped in front of my house. I guess it time to finally get everything over with. I walked around the house to the backyard. Filling up Morena's bowls and then headed to the back door to the mudroom which was always unlocked. As I was taking my shoes off I heard voices coming from the kitchen. I quietly walked down the hallway trying to hear more.

I immediately recognized the two voices talking.

_“_ So you don't know where Chris is?” Alex questioned.

**“** No, she was still sleeping when I got in the shower and when I got out she was gone,” Tobin answered.

There was a quiet second and I was going to walk in until Alex spoke again.

“I just... I want to apologize again, Tobin. I am so sorry for everything I did to you. I wasn't thinking clearly, I was just scared and when I realized what I did I was going to try to fix everything but it was too late. Your parents already knew. Allie had already hurt you. And I was just scared, of what my parents would do if they even saw me near you. But I want you to know that through this all, I have loved you.I still love you so much and I know you probably hate me and will never forgive me, but I just want you to know that I love you. I will always love you, Tobin.”

“Alex, I don't know what to say… I still need time to think about everything. I can see now that you had the best of intentions when you lied to everyone, you made mistakes, and I don't want to be mad about that, but it's hard now to separate the girl who took so many things away from me and the girl who I fell in love with.”

“Toby, do you think you will ever be able to forgive me?”

“To be honest Alex, I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive you entirely. You have put me through hell. I lost so much because of you but somehow I know that even now I still care so much for you. I guess I never really stopped caring about you. That’s probably why I didn’t try harder to make things right. Despite everything I trusted you and part of me has always just believed that you had your reasons for this. I know you loved me and I had to believe that you had your reasons for this. Now, being confronted with this I just don't know if the part of me that cares about you outweighs the side of me that is really angry at you. But I know that I will always love you too, Alex.”

And I have definitely heard enough of that conversation. I went back outside and went to sit on the pool chairs out there. Morena even though it was way too big for it came and practically sat on my lap. She always knows when I am upset. But even before I can actually break down at what I had just heard and voiced surprised me.

"Hey." She said and sat down in the chair next to me.

"What are you doing here Alex?"

"I thought that after last night we probably need to talk. About us."

"Yeah probably."

"So Tobin told you everything," Alex stated, already knowing the answer.

"She did." I looked over her and she was just nodding her head. "You still are in love with her aren't you?" I asked the question I already knew the answer to.

She looked over at me at first with a frown on her face. And she looked as though she was scared to answer the question. But I gave her a small smile. "It's okay Alex, I understand. I understand that way more than I probably should." I mumbled towards the end of my sentence.

"You really care about her too don't you?" Alex whispered out.

I didn't really know how to talk to Alex about Tobin so at first I just nodded my head in agreement. But I guess that wasn't enough for her.

"How much do you care about her?" She asked, obviously not planning on letting me go without an answer.

I sighed out before explaining knowing she wasn't going to back down. "We have always had this weird connection between us. I always found myself telling her way more than I should and even after everyone told me to stay away from her, I couldn't. Even now she's my best friend......And I think I just might be in love with her."

She nodded her head like she was expecting this answer. "So we both really care about someone, but it's not each other?"

"Yeah, I guess so." I agreed.

"So does this mean we are broken up?"

"Yeah probably."

"Can we still be friends?"

"I don't think we were ever really friends Alex."

She let out a giggle next to me. "That's probably true Chris. And I don't know if we were ever friends, seeing as we are both now exes and we are both in love with the same girl."

"That all may be true, but now things are different," I argued.

"How are they different?"

"Because now I care about you, Alex. We may never hang out all the time and be normal friends but I do care about you and I will always be there if you need me to. I want what's best for you Alex. I want you to be happy."

She moved over and pulled me up and in her arms. Giving me a tight hug. "I want you to be happy too Chris." She whispered in my ear, before letting me go and heading back through my house to leave. My eyes followed her and I saw through the glass Tobin standing there.

Tobin gave Alex a hug and as she was going to pass her. Alex immediately hugged back and rested her head on Tobin's shoulder. After what seemed like forever the pulled apart, I saw Tobin look down at Alex and it looked like Alex was saying something to her. Tobin reached up and cupped Alex's face I then saw she gave Alex her megawatt smile, and then Tobin's lips were moving now like she was telling Alex something, and then she leaned in a gave Alex a lingering kiss on the cheek.

I turned away not wanting to watch any more of what was happening between them.

It was becoming more clear to me every time I saw the two interact just how much they care about each other. And every time I feel worse and worse about the luckily hood that Tobin will want to be with me. 

And first time today after everything that has happened I felt tears finally coming down my face. Morena resituated herself on me so that she could lick my face. And I just held onto her tightly running my hand through her fur.

"Chris?" Tobin's voice whispered out behind me.

"I don't want to talk right now Tobin."

"Are you okay Chris?"

"I said I don't want to talk right now." I murmured trying to control my unjust anger I was feeling towards this girl right now.

"I just... Alex told me you guys broke up and.. I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

And now with the mention of her and Alex talking I pictured the two of them again. Well mostly I pictured Tobin's lips on Alex and the way she smiled at her and I lost control of my temper.

"God Tobin why do you always have to be a nice person. I said I don't want to talk right now. Can't you just leave me alone for fucking once." And as soon as I said it I saw hurt flash across her face and I immediately felt awful.

"I'm sorry Chris."

"Just leave Tobin," I whispered out more calmly than before. She slumped her shoulders and walked away from me, into the house.

Fucking great you idiot. I thought to myself. Way to push the girl you love away from you. You have no right to be angry at her. She was just asking if you were okay and you were an asshole to her. All because of what she talked to someone else. Because she put her mouth on someone else. You can't be mad at her for that. And you told her to leave. Go and apologize before she leaves. Oh god, what if she decides to leave entirely? What if she goes back to school and doesn't talk to me ever again.

I quickly got up from where I was sitting and ran inside the house after Tobin. I was heading towards the front door when I saw movement in the kitchen. I saw the fridge door was open and Tobin was grabbing something out of it.

"You didn't leave?" I asked out surprised.

"I'm sorry. Did you want me to leave? I don't want to upset you more Chris. I just thought that maybe you wouldn't actually want to be alone after what happened with you and Alex. I can just leave though if you really want to leave I'm sorry."

"Wait Tobin don't leave. I don't want you to leave. I just...I just.. do you think I can have some time alone for right now? Maybe we can do something for lunch together?"I really didn't want to see her leave me again, but I just need time to accept that she has feelings for someone else and that we will just be friends.

"Yeah okay. Do you maybe want to go to the diner for lunch? I haven't seen Beth and the guys for a while and I know it's your favorite place."

"Yeah, that's perfect," I said now with a smile on my face now because of how adorable she is when she rambles.

"Great! I can't wait. " she gave me a shy smile.

"Okay so maybe give me like a couple of hours just to have some time to myself and then get ready okay?"

"Chris, you can have all the time you want. I'll wait for however long you need me to wait for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, Christen knows that Tobin is a good person. But at the end of the day she doesn't believe that she is a good person. Christen's got issues so no, just because she knows that Tobin is a good person that doesn't mean she also believes she deserves her. In fact, it only makes her more doubtful.


	24. Part Twenty-Four

**Tobin's PoV**

I watched as Chris walked out of the room. Somewhat relieved and somewhat disappointed.

I was relieved though that she wasn't really that angry with me. I didn't mean to make her so upset I just thought I should try to comfort her after she and Alex broke up. I am happy that me deciding that I should probably stay just in case she did want someone to talk to didn't make her angrier. I know how she tries to push people away especially when she is upset, but I also know that she needs people in her life.

And I really want to be one of those people.

It's hard to admit, but I am kind of disappointed in how upset she seems to be about their break up. I know it's dumb, but I was hoping that she would be kind of relieved in a way. I know that sounds awful, but I knew how unhappy she was in her relationship with Alex. When we would talk over the phone she would always talk about how frustrated she was in the relationship. So yes I was hoping she would be happy to be out of the relationship because she should be happy. 

At least that's what I told myself was the reason.

But I knew that the real reason I wanted her to be happy about the break up was that I wanted her to be happy that she could be with someone else. Specifically me. I wanted her to run into the house straight to me and kiss me or tell me that she likes me as more than a friend. I wanted her to tell me she wants me. I wanted her to tell me that she loves me.

But she didn't so right now more than being relieved and being disappointed I am confused. Confused at where Christen's head is at. Confused at what place I had in her confusion. The way I see it is there are a few different possibilities of what has happened floating around in my head.

One, the delusion in my head of the fairy-tale romance ending where I thought Chris broke up with Alex to be with me. And we would finally be happy together. That going to the diner today for lunch together will finally be the start of our relationship. This one obviously didn't happen.

Two, the confusing as fuck version where Alex told me that Chris likes me after their break up.

Flashback to Alex and Tobin's conversation 

I was standing in the mudroom waiting for one of the girls to come back from outside. I was trying to give them the privacy they deserve, but I still wanted to be close.I was honestly hoping they break up, but I was trying not to get my hopes up. In the meantime, I thought about what had just happened with Alex.

She told me that she still is in love with me and I told her that no matter what I will always love her.

And I did mean what I said, I just wish I would have said it differently. I will always love Alex. Because for every bad thing she has done to me, she has also given me so many good things.

But I knew for sure that I am not in love with her anymore. I don't get those butterflies anymore when she touches me and even when she admitted to still being in love with me, my heart didn't flutter the way it used to. And I know the reason was that someone else had my heart. Christen. Just thinking about her makes my heart skip a beat.

I heard the door close and I moved closer to it trying to see who was coming in. I saw it was Alex and she had tears coming down her face. I immediately reached out for her and pulled her into an embrace. I don't say anything but I just held her, that seemed to be enough for her because she pulled back after a few minutes and looked up me for a second before talking.

"Toby, you aren't in love with me anymore are you?" She barely paused before continuing. "Chris and I broke up. We thought that with everything that has happened it's probably for the best.....She makes you happy again doesn't she?" She asks me barely pausing not even letting me answer her. " And that's what I really want for you Tobin after everything I put you through I want you to be happy again."

I reached up and cupped her cheek, giving her a smile and leaning in and kissing her cheek, letting her know I know how hard what she is doing right now is and how much I appreciate what she is doing. "Thank you, Lex, for understanding." I was happy that she seemed to understand that I can't be in love with her anymore because I was in love with someone else.

"You do love her don't you?" She asked again. I nodded my head in agreement.

"She really cares about you too Tobin. Don't let her get away, because you won't find a better person in the whole world. And she really deserves to be happy too. " She said with a smile on her face now.

And that's version two. That may be just maybe Alex is right and Chris does care about me like I care about her and maybe she just has somethings holding her back. I could believe that I mean she did just break up with her girlfriend and she did just find out everything about my past. And if that was the case I could definitely wait for her. I was hoping this was the case when Chris didn't immediately run into the house to come to find me. But after her blowing up on me as she did. I came up with the last possibility of what happened.

Option three. The option that I am most scared of and also the option I am leaning more towards more time I have time to think about all that has happened. That Chris actually really cared about Alex and is heartbroken they aren't together anymore and only see me as a friend. I don't want to believe this, but after seeing how emotional Chris was after Alex came back to the house, there is obviously something that is causing her to be so distant. Take right now, for example, she has been in her room for a couple of hours now, without saying anything to me.

Does she blame me for her breakup? I mean she had every right to actually, I did cause their breakup. What if she doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore? I honestly don't think I can stand living without her in my life anymore.

Even if I can never be more than just her friend, it will be more than I ever deserved.

**Christen's PoV**

It's been a couple of hours since I left Tobin in the kitchen. I did some painting just to relax and control the downward spiral I was heading down and then I took a shower and got dressed for the day. I made my way back towards Tobin and I found her laying on the couch throwing aball up and down into the air and catching it. She looked like she was thinking really hard about something because her eyebrows were furrowed.

"Hey so are you ready?" I interrupted her after a few more seconds. I must have scared her because she missed the ball and it landed on her face with a soft thud.

I saw her cheeks heat up in embarrassment as she stood up front the couch andlooked over at me. And I could help but let out the giggle that came out of my mouth and I saw her smirk slightly when I did.

"Yeah let's go."

As soon as we walk into the diner Tobin took off in excitement, she immediately went behindBeth covering her eyes. I just chuckled at how much of a child she could be sometimes. The place was pretty busy, but I managers to find a booth near the back towards the entrance of the kitchen. Which I thought Tobin would actually really like because she could talk to her friends in the kitchen.

While I waited for Tobin to come to the table I pulled out my phone and looked through the messages I haven't gotten around to answering yet. There were random ones from Kelley, where she always just seems to send me random jokes as she thinks of them. There were some from Ali asking me what she should wear on her date with Ashlyn tonight.

Then there were a few from both Allie and Alyssa. And of course, they were both asking me what I was up to. Asking me if I wanted company. And the most recent ones were them asking if I was okay because I haven't answered them since Tobin showed up yesterday. If I don't answer soon they will probably stalk me until they see that I am okay. As I was about to respond to them, Tobin slide into the booth effectively distracting me.

"Sorry, Beth distracted me." She apologized.

"It's cool. I know how much Beth can talk."

She let out a chuckle. "Yeah, she does talk a lot, doesn't she? Anyway since the place is so busy I told Beth I would take care of us so she isn't overwhelmed. So what can I get you to drink?"

"Ummm"

"You want a milkshake?" She asked, with excitement in her voice and I saw a gleam in her eyes. "I love making milkshakes, so you want one?"

"Yeah, that sounds really good. But only if you share with me?"

"Of course I will share with you. Strawberry was your favorite right?" She asked as she was stepping out of the booth. Looking down at me now waiting for my confirmation. I nodded my head and her smile grew. "I will right back with your drink Miss." she joked heading into the kitchen.

I pulled my phone back out ready to text both Lys and Allie back, but before I could even make up an excuse I heard Beth greet the two people I was just trying to text. Shit. What was I going to do? Please don't see me back here. Please don't see me back here. I thought to myself as I tried to look away and put up my hood hopefully as to not get recognized, but of course, that didn't work out for me.

"Chris?" Alyssa asked me. Both of them standing in front of my booth.

"Oh hey, guys," I muttered.

"Why haven't you answered our texts. We have been worried. We were actually coming here to get you some food and we were going to surprise you at your house." Allie was telling me.

"Ummm well, I have just been super busy with homework and stuff around the house. I'm sorry I didn't respond I didn't mean to worry you guys."

"It's okay Chris, you know we just worry about you. Did you need any help with your homework?" Alyssa reassured me.

"No, I think I figured it out."

"Oh good. So can we join you, or are you on like a date or something." Allie joked sitting down across from me. I felt my cheeks heat up at her words and I glanced at the kitchen door uneasily. Tobin can explain now to everyone what actually happened right? Alex did admit what she did, and doesn't the team deserve to know what actually happened?And I think Tobin would want her friends back. Besides what's the worse thing that could happen right now? Tobin comes out and everyone overreacts and we cause a huge scene and Allie gets violent again and doesn't even let Tobin have the chance to explain. Yeah, that would be bad, but it looks like the truth might be the only option because Tobin will probably walk through those doors soon.

"There is actually something I need to talk to guys about. I wasn't doing homework this weekend." I admitted to them coming to the decision, to be honest.

"Well, what were you doing?" Allie asked curiously.

"Well, actually I need to explain a few things. First, you guys have to promise not to interrupt okay? Second I need guys to have an open mind. And third I need you guys to believe me when I say that I am telling you guys the absolute truth okay?"

They both paused looking at me confused and each other before they agreed silently.

"Alex and I were dating"

"What? You and Alex?" Allie questioned at the same time Alyssa questioned

"Were?"

"Guys just shut up and listen," I told them sternly before I began to explain what happened the night at the party where Alex confessed her feelings and Tobin showed up. I saw Allie getting pissed at the mention of Tobin but she kept silent which I was thankful for. I continued to explain what happened the next day with Alex and how we got together and I continued to explain how I still talked to Tobin frequently and how close we had gotten. And eventually, I got to how yesterday Tobin camefor a visit and how Alex showed up unexpectedly.

And before I could continue with what happened, I was interrupted, but not by the two girls who were sitting in front of me.

"Hey Chris, I'm sorry that took me so long...fuck," Tobin stated after spotting that I want alone in the booth. I immediately turned back to the girls to see their reaction. Alyssa was as always hard to read but Allie was seething.

"I told you to stay the fuck away from her Tobin. I am going to fucking kill you." She whispered out. I saw her jaw clenching and she was trying to get out of the booth but Alyssa was blocking her. "Move out of the way Alyssa."

"No, wait, Allie, please hear me out," I begged her. She didn't even pause and she was trying to move over Alyssa, but Alyssa grabbed Allie and made her sit down.She grabbed her face and made her look at her.

"You are going to wait and listen to Christen and then if you still want to kill her you can okay?" She reasoned with her.

"But it's her," Allie whined.

"Allie you promised me you will always be there for me, and right now I really need you to hear me out okay?"

"Fine. " Allie huffed out in aggravation after realizing that Alyssa wasn't going to move and that she did promise me that. "But this better be worth it." She turned towards me giving me a serious stare.

"Thanks, guys."

" We just want to understand Chris. I want to understand why you keep giving her chances to hurt you."She responded simply, clearly angrier than I previously thought.

"It's not like Lys."

"Then explain, because I don't get it." She said finally.

"Okay well, it's kind of a long story...." I began, but Tobin, who has been quiet since she appeared interrupted me.

"Chris can I umm talk to you in private?" She asked me quietly.

"Can't it wait Tobin? I want them to finally know the truth about what happened, don't you want that too?" I asked confused about what could possibly be more important than this.

"I just... I don't know if we should tell them." She whispered out.

"Why not?" I asked bewildered.

"Please can I just talk to you alone."

"She is not going anywhere with you alone until you talk to us," Allie demanded.

"We will just be right over there." Tobin pointed to the counter where there were two seats open. "You will still be able to watch us okay? I just need to talk to her alone."

"Fine." Alliereluctantly agreed.

Tobin walked towards the seats and I followed her.As soon as we sat down I couldn't help but just blurt out my confusion. "Tobin why don't you want to tell them the truth."

"For the same reasons that I never did before. "

"Which are what exactly?" Now that I think about it, ever since I found out the truth I couldn't figure out one thing. Why didn't Tobin fight to tell her side of the story?

"What if they don't believe me?"

"Why wouldn't they believe you?" I was still confused because once you heard Tobin's version of what happened it would be very hard not to believe her.

"Because they didn't before Chris...All my friends believed that I raped my best friend and none of them even hesitated in believing that. No one even tried to ask me if it was true. They all believed so easily that I was a monster, Chris. Do you know what that does to someone when the people who you care about the most think you are a monster? It killed me, Chris. It was worse than my family kicking me out. I always expected my family to react the way they did. My friends, my best friends though, I never expected them to turn on me like that, especially not because they just believed that I was capable of doing something so horrific. I never understood, what I ever did to make them believe something like that so quickly. " She whispered out passionately. I saw her eyes tearing up and she was starting to struggle with her breathing.

I grabbed her hand with one of mine, while I reached out with my other and cupped her cheek rubbing my thumb back and forth calming her down. "I can't even imagine what that must have been like for you Tobin, but I know these girls and the thing about them is the care for someone with everything they have. They would do anything to protect anyone in the group. And they may have trusted Alex over you, but they never stopped caring about you Tobin. Every time the girls saw you or someone else brought you up I saw the amount of pain they were in and it's because they miss you like crazy Tobin. Not because they hate you as you think. They still love you, Tobin. I know they do."

"You can't possibly believe Allie still loves me. She just threatened me twice within the last couple of minutes."

"That's because Allie cares about you more Tobin. Allie hates you so much because she loves you still and she tries to hate you so that she can hide what she really feels. She's angrier than everyone because she hurting the most by not having you in her life anymore."

"You really think so?"

"Yes Tobin, I am sure that when Allie hears the truth she will want you back in her life. So they will believe you because they have wanted to believe in you since the beginning but you never gave them the chance."

"What if I still can't tell them what happened?"

"What could possibly be holding you back Tobin? This can get you your life back,soccer, your friend. I know they will believe you, I will back you up until they do. So what is stopping you?"

She hesitated longer then she did when she told me her first reason. She looked like she was debating whether she really wanted to tell me or not and I quickly grew more and more worried about what the possible reason could be because there is very little Tobin has had trouble talking to me about.

"Alex." She whispers out quietly, almost like she didn't want me to hear her name. And I wish I didn't because I felt a pain go straight through my chest. My mind immediately shut down trying to stop all the thoughts that were going around in my head.

"Why are you worried about Alex?" I forced myself to ask the question even though I didn't want to hear the answer.

"I just...I don't want her to go through what I had to go through.... like what if the girls get angry with her and they stop talking to her.... or what if they tell her parents...her parents might hurt her... or what if they kick her out as mine did... I don't want anything to hurt her. I am not going to let anyone hurt her again. " She was becoming emotional again as her feelings for Alex came out. So I quickly forgot about the pain I was feeling, and I tried to soothe the girl who was causing me this pain.

"It's okay, sweetie you can always talk to the girls. Explain your side of the story, tell them all of the truth and then tell what you just told me. Explain to them that you don't want them to stop being apart of Alex's life. I'm sure they will agree with you. They love Alex too, and so they won't want to cause her any pain either."

She let out a huge sigh in relief a gave me a small smile. "Thank you, Chris."

"It's no problem, Tobin."

"I just want you to know I really appreciate you always being there for me and making sure I do the right thing. And now I need your help telling the girls." She said grabbing my hand and pulling me back towards the booth. And I should be focusing on the girls, but all I could think about was how much Tobin cares about Alex.

We slid back into the booth, Tobin next to me and the girls still on the other side.

"Okay, so Tobin is going to talk now and I know that you aren't going to want to believe her when she starts to explain, what happened between her and Alex, but I am telling you everything she is about to say is the absolute truth."

"How do you know she isn't lying to you, Chris?" Lys asked me.

"Because I have always trusted Tobin and I know now that I was right to trust her from the beginning and if you still don't trust her that's understandable with everything that has happened, but you guys trust me right?"

They both nodded their heads in agreement with no hesitation.

"Good, so it should be enough that I trust her and once you hear her explain everything, you will know that she is telling the truth. Besides, I have talked to Alex too and she admitted to the truth."

I could feel Tobin's eyes on my face so I turned towards her and she was looking at me with a smile on her face. She grabbed my hand underneath the table, intertwining our fingers and giving it a little squeeze. "Thanks" she whispered out to me.

"Okay, Tobin talk," Allie demanded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's some more confusion. Christen likes Tobin but thinks Tobin is still in love with Alex. Tobin isn't sure if Christen likes her, blames her for the breakup, or just wants to be friends. 
> 
> And now Tobin is getting her chance to explain. 
> 
> Leave a comment. Give a kudos.


	25. Part Twenty-Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Alyssa's view

**Alyssa PoV**

"Maybe we should go somewhere more private for this conversation," Christen suggested to Tobin before she started explaining.

Tobin looked around the crowded diner quickly and nodded her head in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. I know where we can go." She quickly slid out of the booth and grabbed Beth, who happened to be walking by really quickly, whispering something in her ear.

"Yeah go ahead, sweetheart." She agreed.

"Okay so ummm if you guys want to follow me?" She asked us hesitantly. Allie and I both agreed quickly.

I slid out of the booth and felt Allie right behind me. Tobin meanwhile, held out her hand to Chris who took it and slid out of the booth, and they didn't release hands when she was out. Instead, Tobin intertwined their hands and look at Christen with an uneasy smile. I saw Christen rub her thumb back and forth on Tobin's hand reassuringly and Tobin relaxed enough to start walking.

She leads us around through the kitchen and to a side passage with a staircase. She headed up the stairs and we saw two doors, one was open and as we passed it looked as though it was the office. She kept going until we reached the top when she pushed open the door there and we stepped out onto the roof of the building. There is a couch out here and there were plants everywhere. It is beautiful up here.

As I took in the scenery while following Tobin and Chris, I tried to collect my thoughts. I didn't understand what was going on, but obviously Chris has been hiding something with Tobin from us once again and that hurt. I thought that she was past hiding stuff from us, especially about Tobin but here we are once again. And as I look at her now looking at Tobin with a small smile on her face and adoration clear across her features it looks like her feelings for the girl have grown quite a bit. I would be ecstatic that my friend looks undeniably happy by just someone looking at her, but I can't help the uneasiness I feel knowing the person who is making her feel like this Tobin. She has fooled and hurt Christen time and time again and I don't want that to happen again because I don't know if Chris can handle having her heartbroken again.

"Okay Tobin talk," Allie demanded out as soon as we sat down.

She was obviously impatient to hear whatever Tobin was about to say. And so was I to be honest. I need some explanation as to how Tobin managed to fool Christen once again.

"Well umm I guess I should start at the beginning," Tobin muttered out, obviously nervous. She looked quickly over at Allie and I like she couldn't really believe this was happening. She quickly dropped her gaze when she made eye contact with me, and she quickly started to talk after that.

"So umm you guys knew what my life was like right before our junior year started right?" She looked back up at us and Allie shook her head in agreement, but I was confused. I knew that something was different with Tobin then, but she never really talked to us about it. She must have sensed my confusion because she started to explain.

"So you know growing up my life has always been....hectic....my parents always keeping me busy with this or that..pushing me to the limit... and up until high school, I was happy with that. I was happy with my life as long as I was making my parents happy, but as I got older I realized that I wasn't really happy with what I was doing and I didn't really agree with anything and everything my parents told me. I didn't want to be constantly busy...I didn't want to read just nonfiction books to increase my knowledge, I didn't want to practice a million different instruments, just so I can say I know how to, I didn't want to play soccer to win..... I wanted to slow my life down, I wanted to enjoy books that take me to a different world, I wanted to play music and actually enjoy the different songs I can make, I wanted to enjoy soccer, by not just trying to win but I wanted to have fun with my teammates when I played.

When I first realized this I was scared... I was scared because I realized that I wasn't and never will be the girl my family wanted me to be. Not only in the passions they wanted me to pursue, but I was starting to realize I might actually be more like someone they actually hate..... Because at this time I figured out that I like girls in the way they have told me was wrong... and not only did I realize these feelings in general, I realized I had these feelings for one of my best friends......

I was terrified at my revelation because I not only realized that I could now lose my family but my friends too...... So I tried to keep it... who I really was a secret...so I tried to keep my distance from you guys. I could tell I was hurting you guys by doing that, especially you Allie, and Alex... but I thought to keep you at an arms-length was better than losing you entirely...... that was until Alex was tired of it and decided to confront me. She managed to finally get me to admit my feelings for her, and to my surprise, she admitted that she had feelings for me too and so we started to date in secret. I was still scared about how everyone would react so I asked her to keep it a secret and she agreed."

"You guys were really dating?" I asked out of bewilderment. The whole team always suspected they had feelings for each other, but we never knew for sure if they were together.

"Yeah, we dated from the start of our junior year until....umm..until you know.." She admitted trailing off at the end.

"That's what you guys kept from me?" Allie asked Tobin. Her voice was much calmer now than before.

Tobin nodded her head in agreement. "We both felt so bad from hiding it from you, Allie. We wanted to tell you, but we were scared. I know I was scared, and it got to a point where we had been lying for so long I didn't know how to tell you anymore. I was hoping one day you would just ask me, you used to always ask me before Alex and I got together, but then when we actually started to date you stopped. We saw you had your suspicions, but you never confronted us. "

"I didn't understand what changed because all of a sudden you two wanted to hang out without me all the time, I thought that you guys might be dating, but I didn't believe it because I thought my best friends would have told me and I guess I never brought it up because you were happy. I saw you guys were happy and so I never said anything."

"We all did see that change in you Tobin. We saw your life going great, we knew you had been struggling in the first years of high school, but you came into our junior year and you were happier than any of us had ever seen. You were singing all the time, you started to play soccer with a newfound enthusiasm. All of us were happy for you even if we didn't understand where the turn around came from. "

"You're right Lys, I was happier then I had ever been... well for a while I was at least...I was happy that I got to be with the girl who I had been in love with since we were kids... soccer couldn't have been any better for me.... but I was fighting with my family more consistently now, and I towards the end of the year I started to fight more often with Alex about our relationship... I knew I was hurting her by asking her to keep our relationship a secret, but I was too scared to go public with her and so I decided to leave."

"Leave?" Allie voiced her and my confusion.

"Yeah, UNC actually offered me an early scholarship, and I was going to take it. I thought that if I left it would be best for everyone. I was struggling at home, my home life was full of tension and I couldn't stand to stay there anymore, I was tired of hurting Alex, and I was tired of lying to guys about our relationship and so I thought a fresh start would be the best thing..... So I tried to say goodbye to Alex, by taking her on a final date... I wanted her to remember all the good times we had and not the fighting...I wanted to show her how much she means to me and it went well... but before I could actually explain to her I was leaving we both feel asleep...and her dad caught us in bed together.... naked......As you guys can imagine he didn't take this very well.... he kicked me out of the house.... and I tried hard to get back in... but I eventually gave up..... I shouldn't have given up that fast... I saw how angry he was, I should have fought harder for her...." Tobin scolded herself. Tears now free-flowing from her eyes.

Christen gently pulled her face towards hers and wiped the tears off her face. "You didn't know what was going to happen Tobin. You can't blame yourself." She comforted her.

I saw Tobin nod her head reluctantly at what Christen was saying. I was confused, to say the least. I looked over to Allie, to see if she was just as confused as I was, but I saw she was looking down at her hands that were sitting in her lap and tears were coming down her face as well.

"Al?" I reached out and grabbed one of her hands. "Allie?" She refused to look at me, so I looked over at Tobin and Christen. "I don't understand," I admitted.

I saw Tobin huff out a sigh before continuing to explain. "Apparently, after her dad threw me out he....ummm... he went back and he lost it..... Alex told me he started to throw things around the room, and then he hit her.....he hit her until she passed out to be exact..... and when she woke up he threatened her that if she ever told anyone about what he did, if she ever spoke to me again, he would kill me and she believed him..... So she was going to stop talking to me.... she actually knew about UNC and so she was going to let me move on. She thought that she would just let me leave.. let me get the fresh start I wanted."

The tears were escaping my eyes now as well at the news that my friend was abused by her parents, but there was still one thing I just didn't understand. Because it was obvious now by the way Tobin was telling us that she was telling the truth, besides Christen already told us it was the truth and that she actually talked to Alex about it and Christen wouldn't lie about that. "Why did she lie then?" I asked the question that was floating around in my head. "Why did she say you raped her?"

Tobin hesitated to answer the question, and before she could answer it, Allie finally spoke up beside me. "Because of me, right?" she directed this towards Tobin. "I am the reason she lied right?"

Tobin frowned at the question but nodded her head in agreement anyway. "When you showed up at her house, she was scared, she knew you wouldn't leave without an explanation, and you kept asking questions about her face and she freaked out and told you that I did it... I that I was the one to hit her.... she wanted to give you an explanation, but she also needs you to be so angry with me that you wouldn't talk to me because she didn't want you to confront me.... because she didn't want me to find out what happened to her because she knew I wouldn't leave if I knew what her dad did....and even when you thought I had hit her you still wanted to talk to me...so she came up with something that would keep you away....so... "

"... she told me that you raped her." Allie finished for her with a sob. "And I ruined everything for you." She whispered out, with fresh tears now coming down her face.

"No, Allie you can't blame yourself. You were angry, you thought that I had just betrayed you and Alex."

"I took away your escape Tobin. I took away soccer from you. I took your friends from you... I hurt you." She whispered out.

"Only because you thought I had hurt Alex," Tobin argued with her.

"That shouldn't have mattered...I didn't even let you explain…You had been so distant from me for so long, it was like I didn’t know you anymore…It’s like I never knew you. So when you told me you didn't hurt her and I didn't believe you…But I should have because you were my best friend too.....you were my sister too...But Alex was hurt and she said you did it and I hit you, Tobin... I broke your bones..." A shudder racked through Allie's body as she was trying to catch her breath.

"I couldn't believe what I did. I regretted it immediately. And after that, I could never get myself to ask you. I never wanted to know for sure, if you did for sure because I couldn't live with myself if I knew you didn't do it and I did what I did."

Tobin immediately went over to her and wrapped her in her arms and they slowly sank down to the ground together. Tobin whispering to her.

Christen took one look at the girls on the ground and walked over to me. "Did you drive here or did Allie?"

"Allie."

"Tobin, we are going to leave so you guys can talk more privately. Allie has her car here okay? You both can come back to my place if you want." Tobin nodded her head quickly in agreement and then went back to comforting Allie.

Christen grabbed my hand a pulled me back towards the door. I followed her silently, not really knowing what to say after everything I just heard. I still had so many questions that I need answers to, but I waited until I was in the car alone with Christen to ask them.

"Her parents kicked her out didn't they? You told me once that she didn't live at home anymore."

"Yeah her parents kicked her out, that night after she got thrown out of Alex's."

"And she talked to Alex already?"

"Yeah, they talked everything through recently." She paused taking slightly longer to think about that question. I saw her hand grip the steering wheel harder. So Tobin really dated Alex before and Christen recently dated her. I actually had a pretty good idea that they were dating, I have gotten pretty good at reading her feelings. It was obvious Christen has feelings for Tobin, and if Tobin never did anything to Alex couldn't Alex still have those feelings? I let that sink in for a second before realization hit me. By the time I worked through this complicated mess we were already at Christen's house.

"Why did you and Alex break up?" I asked the question, that I know she probably didn't want to answer.

She looked over at me quickly, then back away. She let out a sigh and got out of the car without answering the question. I knew better than to push her for an answer so I followed her silently into her house. She immediately went to the couch and flopped down face forward into it. I went over to her lifted up her feet, sat down and put them back on me.

She looked back at me and let out another sigh. She flipped around and laid her head on my lap instead of looking up at the ceiling. She grabbed my hand and put it on her head, and I started to run my fingers through her hair like I knew she was silently asking me to do. After a few seconds of going through her hair, she seemed less tense and so I decided I would try and ask the question again.

"Why did you and Alex break up?" She closed her eyes and thought for a few seconds.

".....because we are in love." She answered me quietly.

"If you are in love then why are you not together?" I asked confused by her answer.

"Because we are in love with the same person." She admitted with a crack in her voice.

I was still confused for a second until it dawned on me. "You both love Tobin." I

looked back down at her and she was looking back up at me with tears in her eyes.

"I think Tobin is still in love with her Lys."

"You don't know that for sure Chris..." I tried reassuring her but she cut me off.

"I heard her say that she still loves Alex."

I took my time trying to get all my thoughts in order before I answered her because I knew I had to get this right. "Maybe she does still love Alex....." I paused again wiping the tears that were flowing more steady down her face, "but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you too Chris."

"Even if that is true and she doesn't see me as just a friend, she's never going to pick me over Alex...Alex was her first everything. Her first best friend, her first kiss, her first girlfriend, her first time, her first love. She loves Alex, so much that she gave up everything for her without a fight. How could I ever compete with that?"

"Yeah that's true Chris, but you have to keep in mind that Alex is the reason that she lost everything, she broke her heart and took away her friends. And I know Tobin is a good person and probably wants to or even already did forgive her, but nothing can change the past and how much Alex hurt her. Have you even talked to Tobin yet about your feelings?"

"I can't get myself do it." She admitted.

"Why not Chris? You need to talk to her, get it all out there. She needs to know how you feel about her, especially if you want her to pick you over Alex, she needs to know that there is even a decision for her to make. "

"I know I should tell her how I feel, but I am scared Lys. I am scared of what can happen if I tell her I am in love with her. Everything has been so good between us now and what if I scare her off?.... I can't lose her."

And it suddenly hit me as to why Christen was so scared to vocalize her feeling to Tobin. Why she has even waited this long because it's obvious she has cared deeply for her for a while. "Chris, it won't be like last time you admitted your feelings for your ex."

"How can you know that for sure?" She whispered out to me and I heard the fear in her voice which meant I was right about what has been holding her back.

"I can see Tobin really cares about you and even if she didn't return your feelings, which I think she does, she wouldn't hurt you like that Chris. I know I haven't always said the best things about Tobin and that's because I believed she did something horrible. But now that I know the truth, now that I understand everything that has happened it's obvious now that she is the same person I grew up with and that Tobin cares hard for people and she will do anything to protect them. And I know Tobin cares about you. Besides even if it doesn't work out with Tobin it won't be like the last time because you will have me and Allie and Ali and Kelley and the whole team. Okay?"

"Okay." She agreed with me quietly turning her head so she is facing away from me. But I knew that she wasn't convinced.

"So you promise you will tell Tobin about your feelings for her when she comes back before this goes anything else happens between her and Alex?"

"Yeah....we have a few days before she has to leave maybe I can tell her by then..." she was interrupted by her phone going off. "Can you grab that for me?"

I reached in her back pocket for her and pulled out her phone. Glancing at the message.

**From Allie: Hey it's Tobin, I finally calmed Allie down some, but we still have so much to talk about and to catch up on and so I am going to spend the rest of the weekend with her and Alex.**

There was no, I will see you soon, or talk to you later, or even a thank you to Christen who was responsible for Tobin getting her friends back. And she was going to be with Alex for the rest of the weekend, Christen is not going to react well to that. I sighed out loud realizing I was going to have to tell her and upset her more.

"Who is it?" Christen asked me.

"Ummm it’s Tobin." She sat up now moving off my lap.

"Is she on her way with Allie?" Christen got up from now already trying to put herself back together.

"No." I murmured out scared of how she will react to the news.

"No?" She asked turning around. Her eyes brows were furrowed.

"She said they needed to talk more and so she is going to stay the rest of the weekend with Allie." I got out in the explanation. I looked up to gauge her reaction and could tell she was immensely disappointed but it looked liked it didn't upset her too much.

"I guess I understand that." She mumbled out.

"She said Alex is going to be there too." She looked down at the ground and nodded her head like she should have been expecting that answer.

"Chris..."

"Please don't say anything... I don't want to talk about it anymore."She pleaded with me, looking back up at me when she didn't get a response right away. Her eyes once again brimming with tears.

"Okay Chris..." I pulled her back down onto the couch with me and she cuddled up into my side. "It's going to be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is. Allie reacted the way she did because she felt left out when Tobin and Alex were dating. She has been so angry this whole time, not because she was angry at Tobin but because she was angry at herself. She immediately regretted hurting Tobin and the only way she could live with knowing what she did was to believe that Tobin also did something awful. That's why she never let Tobin explain. 
> 
> As I also hinted there's more to Christen then you know. She is still holding onto something from her past and that makes her question Tobin and the future they could have.


	26. Part Twenty-Six

**Christen's PoV**

It's been a week since I went with Tobin to the diner. I haven't seen her since then and I have barely even talked with her. She spent the first two days with Allie and Alex I expect. I don't really know for sure because all the communication from her I got was the text she sent before saying she was staying with them and then a text at the end of the two saying that Allie was driving her back to campus and that she will see me soon.

Alyssa stayed with me for the rest of the weekend. She knew how I was feeling, and so she has spent the last week trying to make me feel better. On one of the nights she even planned out a movie night with Ali and Ashlyn. As soon as they had shown up I put together that Lys had told them all that happened because I saw they wanted to ask questions but thankfully they didn't.

It ended up being a great night, the girls were as usual at distracting me but since then I just couldn't get out of my own head. Because since then I haven't had much to distract me. Well, not anything that I wanted to be distracted by.

Before Tobin came to visit and before she confronted Alex and the girls, Tobin used to call me every night and we would talk forever on the phone together, sometimes for hours and now she hasn't called me once this week. But she has talked to some of the other girls, like Ashlyn, Kelly, Allie, and Alex. And so I can't help but to think that she made a decision about who she wants to be with and it's not me.

And even though I always thought that she was still in love with Alex and doesn't like me as she loves her I thought that maybe she would still be my friend, maybe I could still be a part of her life, but I guess she doesn't really need me now. She has her first love back, her best friend back, and all her teammates back. She has her old life back and I guess I don't fit in it her life anymore. And as much as that hurts me I can't help but be somewhat happy for her. I always thought she deserved the best and now she has it.

So these pasts weeks I have been trying to figure out how to move on and the only way I know how to move on is to do it the way I have been doing it since my mom died...Leaving.

I have been putting my college decision off for a while now, mostly because I have been happy here, with the girls, with Tobin. I was happy being in the same place for a while with people that care for me, but now thinking about being around Alex and Tobin together, hurt no matter how happy I am for them.

So it's time to make a decision that will affect the rest of my life, but no pressure, right?

I have managed to narrow it down to three schools so far, Penn, UNC, and Stanford. All have offered me scholarships and all have some of my friends going to them, but I can't seem to make a decision. Something is keeping me from making the final decision, but I need to make one sooner than later and so after tomorrow I am planning on taking a trip and visiting all of them and I am hoping that once I am actually there one of them will give me a good feeling. I didn't tell any of the girls because they have all been trying to convince me to go to the school they have committed to and it was getting annoying.

But I have to get through this weekend first. And you maybe be wondering what is happening this weekend? Well, Kelley thought I should host a party/ sleepover to help the team welcome back Tobin and kind of renew their friendship. And as much as I wanted to there is no way to say no to Kelley.

So guess what I am doing right now? Getting my house set up for a party. Well kind of, Kelley showed up with a few other of the girls and took over so I instead snuck up to my art room to prepare for what I was about to go through. Kelley seemed to have everything under control because the music is already blasting throughout the house. It's supposed to be a small party, but being that Kelley designated herself as the host I don't think it's going to be that small.

I heard a knock at the door and I thought the person would just leave after I didn't answer until I heard the handle jingle and my name being called.

"Chris we know you are in here." Ali's voice call through the door.

"Yeah Chris let us in or I will kick it down." Ashlyn threatened. I sighed getting up quickly and opening it since I know she was probably serious. I opened the door to reveal the couple.

"Is that what you are wearing?" Ali asked me, looking me up and down. I looked down at my outfit to see I was in some old jeans and an old t-shirt because I had been painting. "Ash you can go, baby, I need to help Chris get ready."

"Thanks, babe. I will be playing beer pong with Pookie." She quickly gave Ali a peck on the cheek and ran back down the hallway.

"Ali you don't need to help me get ready I will just throw on some clean jeans and t-shirt and I will be right down."

"Nope, not good enough." She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards my bathroom across the hallway. "I am going to do your make up and then I will pick out a hot outfit for you."

"Why Al? It's not like I am trying to impress anyone." I admitted kind of disappointed at the truth of my own words.

"That's debatable, but even if you aren't trying to impress anyone doesn't mean you can look good." She rebutted me quickly. She motioned for the counter which I hopped up onto and she pulled all my makeup and quickly got to work. After she did my makeup and hair she pulled me into my room and walked into my closet and started to go through my clothes.

"Ali why can't I just wear regular clothes?" She paused before answering me and I saw her keep her eyes away from me like she was hiding something from me.

"Because Christen I know you were wallowing in self-pity in your studio and I know you don't really want to be having this party. And so in my experience when I look good I feel good. So I am going to make you look fantastic so you have no other choice to feel fantastic. " She responded coming out of my closet with an outfit in her hands. She threw it down in my bed with some shoes and pulled out her phone to look down at it.

"Put on the outfit and come downstairs as if you don't come out there in a few minutes I will send Ashlyn to kick down your door and make you." She told me sternly.

"Okay Al. I will." I agreed knowing she meant it.

"Good. See you there then." She seemed pleased with my lack of argument as she walked out of my room.

I sighed and put on the clothes she told me to wear and if course I looked good,but it still didn't make me feel any better. I sighed out laying back on my bed trying to waste as much time as possible before heading into the party.

That was until a few seconds later I heard my door opening. I sat up and looked in that direction to only see Alyssa. "Oh thank god." I breathed out in relief happy that I wasn't seeing Ashlyn here to forcefully take me down.

"I wouldn't be so relieved if I was you." She responded to me and I heard the smirk in her voice.

"Are you here to make me go to the party?" I asked her, not really worried because Alyssa would be much gentler than Ashlyn.

"I am supposed to be doing that. Ashlyn was busy besides I didn't want her to hurt you."

"I don't want to go out there Lys," I confessed to her.

"I know that Chris, but it is actually pretty fun out there tonight. Kelley managed to not get too carried away and I don't think you should let anything keep you from having a good time. Besides I am not taking a no as an answer. " She jumped and sat down on the bed next to me.

"I still don't want to go out there." I pouted at her hoping she would take it easy on me.

"What did I say Chris now you gave me no choice. Now I have to take you by force." She threatened me but there was a smile on her face.

"Oh yeah how?" I asked her playing along with her.

"Oh, Chris I have my ways." She moved closer towards me and then jumped on top of me straddling my waist, stopping me from moving my legs and she started to tickle me.

"Admit defeat and I will stop tickling you."

"Never!" I manage to shout between giggles.

She continued to tickle me until there was a knock on the door. I saw Alyssa was distracted so I quickly used this to my advantage to knock her over and switch our positions so now I was on top of her. I managed to pin down her legs underneath me and to pin her arms on each side of her.

"Ha, I win." I announced looking down at her, but she was still looking towards the door.

I didn't have any hands open to get her attention so I leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Say I won" I pouted.

She looked back at me her eyes widened, her body tensed and a blush spread across her face. "Chris.."

"What?" I asked confused as to why she reacted that way. She looked back at the door and I followed her movements to see a very familiar dirty blonde wearing a SnapBack a plain white t-shirt and black ripped skinny jeans, standing in the doorway. I made eye contact with her for a second before she ran out of the room.

"Was...was that Tobin?" I asked Alyssa even though I knew the answer.

"Yeah, it was."

"Why didn't she saying anything?"

"I don't know, but she looked upset." She admitted to me. I jumped off of Alyssa and fixed my clothes.

"Why was she upset? " I turned away from Lys and started to walk from the room determined to figure out what was going on because I agreed with Alyssa for the second I got to see her face Tobin looked angry.

"Let's go find out." Alyssa and I walked out of my room and down the hallway we made it to the living room/ dance floor/ hang out area where most people are. I tried to look throughout the room, but I couldn't see anything. I walk a little way into the room until I felt a pair of eyes on me. I turned in that direction and found the pair of hazel eyes that I have come to love. I tugged Alyssa closer to me and leaned into her ear so she can hear me.

"I found her. I am going to try and talk to her, you can go have fun without me." I kissed her cheek again and looked back in the direction of Tobin.

I saw her throw a cup down to the floor and she having a heated discussion with a curly-haired girl. So somehow she is angrier than previously. I quickly made my way in the direction towards Tobin. But by the time I got there Tobin wasn't there anymore, but I recognized the vaguely familiar face sitting there looking in another direction.

"Lauren, right?" I asked shouted at her.

She turned towards me now. She looked shocked at first and then she looked kind of angry. "And you are the famous Christen Press."

"That's right." I agreed confused by her stern tone. But I stuck my hand out for a handshake anyway, just like my mom always taught me. "It's really nice to finally meet you. Tobin has told me so much about you."

Surprisingly she took my hand and shook it back, squeezing it a little more than was probably necessary. "Oh, Tobin has told me a lot about you." I blushed at the thought of Tobin talking about me to one of her closet friends.

"Uhh speaking of Tobin, do you know where she went? I thought I saw her over here."

"Oh umm I think she went to go get a drink. Why don't you sit down here and talk to me for a second? I want to see if the famous Press Tobin talks about lives up to the hype." She told me while looking me up and down.

"Well I don't know about what hype you are talking about, there's nothing special about me and I do want to get to know you better as well but is Tobin okay? She came to my room and I saw her now from a crossed the room. She looked...upset."

"Yeah she was upset about something, but she ran off to find Allie before she could really explain..." she gave me a second excuse for why Tobin ran away..."But I am sure she is fine." She continued trying to distract me now.

I could tell that she was lying to me. "Are you sure?" I asked her trying to get her to reveal the truth.

"Yeah, she already had a drink or two before so it was probably nothing that the alcohol made something." She lied again.

"Okay if you are sure." I agreed knowing I wasn't going to get anything out of her, but I kept looking around the room for Tobin not noticing the curly-haired girl next to me carefully scrutinizing me.

"Why do you care anyway?"

Her question caught me off guard. "What do you mean why do I care?"

"Why do you care if Tobin is upset?" She continued looking at me questioningly.

"What kind of question is that? Why wouldn't I care if Tobin is upset?"

"Because you don't seem to care about her feelings at all."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I asked her standing up now outraged at what she was saying. I was going to yell some more, but I felt a familiar arm going around my shoulder instantly making me calm down.

"What's going on here?" Alyssa's calm voice questioned the two of us.

"Oh I was just meeting your girlfriend here" Lauren answered with fake happiness.

"My girlfriend?" Alyssa questioned at the same time I questioned it, "girlfriend?"

"Lauren, Christen isn't my girlfriend."

"Oh are you guys not official yet? Sorry didn't mean to make it awkward between the two of you." She gave an insincere apology.

"No I mean like Christen and I are just really good friends. Best friends even.....Nothing has ever happened between us romantically."

"What?" Lauren asked confused.

"Why did you think we were together?" Alyssa continued to asked.

"Because well because Tobin came to me a few minutes ago upset...she said she saw you and Christen..."she struggled to find the words she wanted to use"in a...compromising position..."

A wave of understanding washed over me as I pictured how Alyssa and I must have looked. Me straddling her waist pinning her arms and kissing her cheek. It must have looked intimate to anyone who hasn't seen how regularly touchy we were together. But there was one thing that made me downright angry the more I thought about it.

"Even if it was true, why the fuck would Tobin be upset?" I asked Lauren pissed at the audacity of Tobin. She had no reason to be upset if I had someone to love me like that. She has Alex and she hasn't talked to me in two weeks.

"What do you mean why would she be upset? Of course, she would be upset seeing that. " Lauren asked me just as bewildered at my question as I was by her's moments ago.

"After everything that has happened why would she even care if I was dating Alyssa? What gives her the right to get angry with me?"

Lauren didn't answer right away instead she sat back down on the couch and patted the seat next to her, "Lys can I talk to Christen alone?" Lauren asked Alyssa. Alyssa looked at me and I gave her a quick nod letting her know it was okay before answering.

"Christen, I don't know how you seem to not know this but Tobin really likes you," Lauren told me looking up at me sympathetically now.

"See now I thought you and Tobin were best friends," I told her with a snarky attitude.

"We are." Lauren agreed but has a confused look on her face again.

I let out a sigh, frustrated that I have to explain the exact thing I wanted to avoid all night. "Well, then you need a girls night or something because I don't really mean anything to Tobin anymore." Saying the words out loud finally made me face all the pain that I have been trying to distract myself from feeling for the past two weeks and I felt my eyes filling with tears.

"What in the world would lead you to believe that you don't mean anything to Tobin."

"Oh come on, Lauren I don't need you to make excuses for her. I don't need you to try and make me feel better or whatever you are trying to do...."

"Christen I honestly don't know how you came to the conclusion that Tobin doesn't want you in her life."

"Lauren, she hasn't talked to me in two weeks. And you can't tell me some excuse like she has been busy or some shit because I know she has talked to the other girls and I know she has talked to Alex. So I get it I'm not an idiot, I understand what that means...She doesn't need me in her life anymore."

"Oh no Chris, it's not like that.....Yes, Tobin is happy to have her friends back especially Allie and Alex. But that's not the reason she hasn't called you, she thought that you had wanted space from her."

"Why would I want space from her?"

"She thought you needed time to get over your break up with Alex, especially because she is the reason you guys broke up."

"I didn't need time to get over the break up with Alex and we didn't break up because of Tobin.... well not really anyway... We broke up because we were never really in love with each other, we both were just using each other because we both weren't with the girl we actually had feelings for." I shockingly admitted to Lauren.

"You mean to say that the whole time you were with Alex you had feelings for someone else."

"Yes," I admitted to her while looking down at my hands in my lap.

"Who?" I looked up at her, confirming who I know she was thinking about but was afraid to scare me away by saying it out loud.

"The same girl who I met on the first day of school telling me I had to leave the field because it was late. The same girl that saved my class from failing a math test. The same girl who stayed for hours with me after school to help me with soccer and homework. The same girl who used to call me every night and just talk to me." God, why am I admitting all of this to a girl who I barely know and is best friends with the girl I am talking about.

"Do you love her?" Lauren whispered out to me. I didn't answer at first, I mean it was already embarrassing enough that I admitted to her that I liked her best friend. But at this point, I might as well tell her everything.

"I am completely and hopelessly in love with her...." I admitted looking up at her to gauge her reaction. She looked up at me with her blue eyes wide in shock. "Please don't say anything to her... I am sure I will get over it... I don't want to ruin anything for her and Alex."

"Her and Alex?"

"Yeah, I don't want them to feel weird about me having these feelings for Tobin.....they are both my friends and they both deserve their happy ending."

I was looking down at my hands in my lap again when I saw a hand reach out and take my hands in theirs. I looked back up at her face. "That's really nice of you Christen, but Tobin and Alex aren't together."

"What do you mean they aren't together? Alex told me she was still in love with her and I know they made up and have been talking a lot lately and...."

"Christen, stop talking... Tobin and Alex are just friends... You're right and saying Alex still might love Tobin but Tobin told her she can't love her back anymore because she likes you."

"What?"

"Christen, Tobin has like you and only you since forever now." My heart sailed at her words.

"You're sure about all of this?" I asked her making sure she was positive about Tobin's feelings for me before I got my hopes up.

"Of course I am. I know this girl like the back of my hand." She smiled at me now.

I stood up excited now. My heart feeling lighter than it had in a while now. "I need to find Tobin. To talk to her." I started to walk away from Lauren and through the crowd of people.

"Go get your girl," Lauren called after me.

I pushed through the crowd, trying to spot the only person that I wanted to see right now. She wasn't in the living room so I entered one of the almost empty hallways thinking maybe she went into a room. When I felt a hand grab onto my wrist and it was one of the last people that I wanted to see.

"Hey baby, long time no see." Ian, the annoying , stupid, douche bag, football player said to me while somehow pinning me against a wall in one of the hallways.

"Let me go Ian and don't call me baby," I told him sternly.

"Now why in the world would I do that?" He asked me, getting closer to my face. I smelt the alcohol on his breath.

"Because you know I have never returned your feelings."

"You went out on that date with me." He reminded me.

"That was because my friends said I should, but you were a total asshole on that date."

"Well let me make it up to you."

"Thanks but no thanks," I told him trying to shove him out of the way, but all he did was get closer to me, trapping my hands between us.

"I think this will convince you." He said leaning closer until his lips were ghosting on mine for a second and I tried to turn my head but he grabbed my chin and held it in place before placing his lips on mine.

I knew I couldn't get him off of me, he was just so big so I thought maybe if I just completely shut down he would get the hint. But what I wasn't expecting was to hear the voice that I had looking for.

"Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me" she paused after every word and she sounded pissed.

Ian immediately broke off the "kiss" and took a step away from me. I couldn't help but sigh in relief, thinking she was here to save me.

Boy was I wrong.

I looked over at her trying to get out a thank you for saving me, but before I could be saying anything she stalked towards me shouting out at me. "Am I going to catching you hooking up with anyone else tonight? Do you want me to go get someone else, or do you already have a list you are working down?” She slurred out.

"Tobin...it's... it..." I tried getting out an explanation, but she interrupted me before I could get anything out.

"Just stop Christen I don't want to hear anything from you anymore...I have liked you since forever and I thought maybe just maybe you have always liked me too. So I tired waiting for you Christen... because the timing never seemed right but I am done waiting for you while you hook up with everyone...I am done with you. "

"Please don't say that. If you would just give me a chance to explain." I pleaded with her.

"I don't want to hear your shit anymore. You're such a fucking hypocrite you know that. You told me you couldn't be my friend when I was hooking up with people, but at least I had a valid reason for doing it, but you apparently are just a slut." She slurred out, obvious she had had a few drinks, but none the less her words hurt. I felt my eyes brim with tears at her hurtful words while she barely glanced in my direction before she stumbled back down the hallway.

I felt the tears streaming down my face at her words. She was done with me. Slut. I fell down to the ground immediately where I was trying to catch my breath. I was having another panic attack. I don't know how but Alyssa managed to find me after a few minutes.

"Christen, what's wrong? What happened?" Alyssa asked me wrapping me up in her arms. After a few sobs, I tried to explain to her what had just happened.

"I-I was looking...searching for her... and I was walking down the hallway alone... and Ian showed up and he trapped me.... and.... he wouldn't go away ..... he trapped me against the wall... and kissed me." I finally managed to get out in between my sobs.

Alyssa quickly stops up from the ground. I saw her shaking in rage. "Where the fuck did he go?"

"I don't know, but...." She stalked down the hallway back towards the party before I could explain that he wasn't really the reason I am upset.

She went over to the control panel and put an end to the music. Everyone stopped dancing and looked at her in confusion. "Where the fuck is Ian?" She gasped out between her clenched teeth.

Everyone looked around the room until everyone seemed to be looking in the same direction. From where I was standing I could just make out his blonde hair in the crowd. Alyssa seemed to figure this out at the same time because she stalked in that direction and punched him straight in the face.

"You fucking asshole!" She yelled out at him.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

"You know what my problem is you, fucking dick. You forced yourself on my friend." She answered him sending a swift kick to his dick and he dropped down to the floor grabbing his manhood.

Before she could kick him while he was down Lauren, Allie, and Ashlyn had made there way over to Alyssa and held her back from causing more damage.

"You don't ever come near her again you hear me? Because I wouldn't be so nice the next time." She threatened him.

**To be continued.....**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you guys are going to be angry with me. Some of you already have let me know in the comments how much you are hating some of these characters. I'm just writing what I want to write. At the end of the day, these girls are young and they have been through things that most people haven't. That makes them react in ways that you might not think is logical because it's not logical. People aren't logical, especially when they are hurt.


	27. Part Twenty-Seven

**Allie PoV**

So I don't exactly know exactly what was happening right now. All I know is Alyssa beat the shit out of Ian, who apparently thought he would get away putting his hands on Christen, that fucker, he is lucky she got to him first.

I haven't even gotten a chance to check on Christen yet, but she looked really upset. I wanted to chase after her, but Alyssa beat me to that too and I know Christen doesn't like too many people around when she is upset. So right now instead I'm kicking Ian out of the house with Ashlyn.

"You girls are all crazy." He shouted while walking down the driveway.

"Yeah we are, so remember that the next time you think it is a good idea to mess with one of us," Ashlyn shouted back at him. "Stupid fuckboy, we should have both got another hit in."She directed towards me.

"I think Alyssa did a pretty good job herself," I argued.

"That's true. I'm pretty sure she broke his nose." She agreed with me.

"I just hope Chris is okay."

"She did look pretty upset. Maybe we should check on her."

"Or maybe we can do something that will cheer her up." I countered after an idea popped in my head.

"What did you have in mind?" She asked me, smirking at me because she knows I have a plan.

"Why doesn't Tobin do her surprise for Christen sooner rather than later like she was planning."

"Oh, that's a good idea." She agreed with me excited now. "I have been waiting for her to do it all night. Ali had to keep me away from Chris earlier because I was going to tell her I was so excited."

"Yeah I have been excited too, I have been wanting it to happen since Tobin asked me to help her with it.There is one problem though." I admitted as we walked back into the party that had been gone back to full swing since we had left.

"Problem?" Ashlyn had to remind me that I didn't finish my sentence.

"Yeah, I haven't seen Tobin since she arrived. Have you?"

"No, I haven't seen her since she came over to say hi when she first got here. I think she said something about going to say hi to Christen though. She wanted to introduce Christen and Lauren tonight."

"Oh yeah, she did say that. Maybe Lauren has seen her then. Let's split up and try and find Lauren or even better Tobin."We went separate ways and I made my way through the crowded room until I found brown curly hair in the kitchen talking to Alex.

"Hey Baby Horse, hey Cheney." I greeted them.

"Oh hey Al. " They both said at the same time.

"Have either of you seen Tobin lately?" I asked then.

"That's what we were just talking about. Lauren is worried about Tobin." Alex answered.

"Why what happened?" I asked immediately one of my best friends to worry about my other best friend.

Alex didn't explain what she was talking about, but instead looked at Lauren to explain instead. "Well, can we go outside it's really loud in here," Lauren suggested gesturing towards the sliding door.

I was going to follows her, but I hesitated to see Alex goingoff in a different direction instead, she seemed upset too and I was going to follow her until I heard Lauren yell "Tobs!"from the doorway.

I immediately turned in that direction and ran out to where Lauren was. She was standing over a familiar figure that was sprawled out on the grass.I kneeled down to the ground and pulled Tobin's head into my lap. She opened her eyes once I did that to reveal them being bloodshot, and not because she was drunk which she obviously was from the stench coming off her but because they were puffy which meant she had been crying.

"Tobin how fucking much of this did you have to drink?" Lauren asked her picking up and empty whiskey bottle that was laying in the grass next to her.

"Not enough of it apparently. I can still feel everything." She slurred out to us.

"Harry what happened?" I asked her worried about her. Her eyes flashed up to mine.

"I'm sorry Harry, our song is going to go to waste." She apologized to me still not explaining what happened.

"Why? What happened? Why don't you want to sing to Christen anymore?" I asked her again trying to keep her drunk mind focused.

"Because I know she will just reject me. " she whispered out to us.

"Why would you think that sweetie?" I quietly asked her.

"Yeah Tobin you need to talk to her." Lauren spoke up finally.

"I don't need to talk to her to know she doesn't love me."

"How.." I was about to ask, but Lauren interrupted me.

"Tobin, the thing with Alyssa...."she tried to explain.

"I don't want to fucking hear about her and Alyssa anymore or her and that guy she was making out with or whoever else she might have!" She yelled at Lauren sitting up off my lap.

"Her and Alyssa?" I questioned. What the hell does Alyssa have anything to do with it.

Lauren ignored my question, instead talking to Tobin. "Tobin I met Christen and I talked with her and Alyssa,....and they aren't together."

"Yeah dude, Alyssa and Christen are just close friends that would be like you and I getting together." I agreed with Lauren. While Tobin looked at me with disgust and I looked back at her in the same way. That would definitely be weird... she is my sister.

"Okay well, that still doesn't change the fact that I saw her making out with some guy in the hallway," Tobin argued still angry. I cringed at the idea of seeing that. Seeing Christen being forced to kiss someone.

"Tobs, Chris wasn't making out with some guy, that guy Ian has been harassing her to go out with him and he forced Christen to kiss him," I explained.

It was a good minute before she finally looked back up at the both of us. Fresh tears coming down her face. "You mean that guy was making her kiss him?"

"Tobin how did you know the kiss happened but didn't know it was forced?" Lauren asked Tobin.

That was interesting how would have Tobin known that, we all found out when Alyssa was beating the shit out of him, but it sounded like Tobin saw it happening because otherwise she would know it was forced.

Tobin opened her mouth to talk, but nothing came out, instead the tears seemed to be flowing harder now. "I... need to to see her...to talk to her." She tried standing up and walking but she wobbled and lost her balance instead, falling down to the ground.

"It's okay Tobin. She's okay, Alyssa found her and beat the shit out of him. She still seemed a little upset but Alyssa is taking care of her." Lauren reassured her.

"No, you don't understand I need to talk to her." Tobin pleaded, trying to get up and walk towards the house again. She made it a little further this time before wobbling again. This time she didn't fall through because Lauren and I both were on either side of her keeping her up. Once we made it past the party in the living room and down Christen's hallway Lauren asked the question that I had completely forgotten about.

"Tobin did you see it happen?" Lauren asked her again. She never did answer how she knew they kissed but wasn't forced. Tobin still didn't get any words out, but she did nod her head in agreement.

"What did you do when you saw them?" Lauren asked her.

"I stopped the kiss," she whispered out.

"Then what had got you so upset, you saved Christen..." I questioned confused about why she seemed so worried about seeing Christen then if she has already seen she is okay.

"I didn't save Christen...I...I yelled at her."

"What do you mean you yelled at her?" I asked her feeling myself getting angry at where this was going. I pulled all three of us to a stop, looking up at Tobin's face. Thinking now maybe Christen was upset for more than just the kiss.

"Well, I saw her earlier on top of Alyssa and they looked really intimate... and of course that pissed me off... so I had a few drinks and then I was going to go and find her to talk to her and I found her...in the hallway...kissing some guy and I just lost it... I was pissed... here I have been waiting to be with her for forever now, I have even written her a song...and I thought that she going around and getting with everyone... and I couldn't handle it anymore and I lost it on her." Tobin explained, sobbing as she got to the end of the explanation.

"What did you say to her Tobin?" I asked through my teeth, knowing it had to be bad by how upset Tobin is right now.

"I....I..." she stuttered out before she slide down to the floor, sobbing. Her breathing becoming more and more shallow.

"Tobin are you okay?" I asked her my anger vanishing quickly as I am worried now.

"Please...Harry...I...need...Christen." She sobbed out.

"Okay I will go get her," I asked walking the last few short steps to Christen's door while Lauren sat down by Tobin trying to calm her down. I knocked on the door, well more like pounded until I heard yelling through the door.

"Go away."

"Lys it's just me." There was a pause before the door was opened and Alyssa was standing in front of me.

"She's okay Al, she just wants to be alone right now." She told me before trying to close the door.

"Wait!" I stuck my foot in the door before she could close it. "Tobin needs her." I pleaded with her worried about my friend. She was really struggling to breathe right now.

When I looked back over I didn't expect Alyssa's face to be filled with rage. "I don't give a fuck about what she needs. She's a fucking asshole who doesn't deserve to have Christen care about her. She had never thought twice about hurting Christen, so she can piss off."

"Lys please, I don't know what she did but I am really worried about her. She started crying and then she was sobbing and now she is struggling to breathe and I don't know what to do.” I got out panicked.

"Okay okay Al, calm down and I will ask her okay?"

"Please." She walked into the room towards Christen's bed and I followed her in quietly. I saw on the bed was Christen with the blanket pulled over her head so I couldn't see her. Alyssa sat on the bed and touched her shoulder to get her attention.

"Chris, honey." Alyssa pulled the cover down when she didn't answer.

"What?" I heard her croak out before turning around to face Alyssa. Her voice was raspy. I saw that her eyes were red and puffy. There were tear tracks down her face and she looked pretty broken.

"Chris?" I interrupted before Alyssa could explain. "Please I need your help." I pleaded with her. She immediately sat up and looked over at me worried.

"What's wrong Al?" She asked standing up and coming over to me now.

"I need your help with Tobin," I whispered out and she stopped walking towards me. Even with the mention of Tobin's name, her eyes have started to water and she clenched her jaw.

"I don't want to see her." She told me with her eyes down at the ground.

"I know and I don't know what she did, but she was freaking out about it and now I think she is having a panic attack and I can't get her to calm down and all she says is she wants you," I explained to her.

She took a second before sighing out and looking back at me. "Where is she?"

"She's right outside the hallway." I grabbed her hand and dragged her out of the room and down the hallway to Tobin who was still on the ground. Somehow she looked like she was struggling even more to breathe. As we got closer I could make Lauren trying to comfort her with "it's okay" and Tobin just responding with "Christen".

"Tobin," Christen whispered out once we were standing in front of her. Tobin snapped her head up at the sound of Christen addressing her. She tried standing up, but Christen instead went down to her on the ground. She first pushed the hair away from Tobin’s face getting down to her level. She maneuvered around her rested her back against the wall and pulled Tobin in between her legs and against her chest.

"Christen...I.." she tried talking but she broke off because she didn't have enough breath to get it out.

"Shhh. Relax. I got you." She started to stroke her hair as Tobin finally let out a big breath.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

**Tobin's PoV**

I woke up warm, comfortable, tucked into someone's side and with some stroking my hair. I kept my eyes closed just trying to get my mind straight. The last thing I remember is Christen coming out and calming me down enough until I fell asleep.

I opened my eyes happy at the thought that I would be waking up Christen, except when I opened my eyes I saw a blonde. And the rest of the night came back to me. I remembered how much of an asshole I was. " Fuck," I mumbled out disappointed I knew it would have been too good to be true.

"Well good morning to you too Harry." She responded.

"Allie I really fucked up." I let my head fall back into her chest ashamed of myself.

"Care to tell me how much?"

"Christen didn't tell you?" I asked confused.

"She wasn't really in a talking mood Tobin. Whatever you did you really upset her. You should have seen her when I went to get her to help you Tobin she was...she was heartbroken. What did you say to her Tobin?" I asked her.

"I...I called her a slut and told her I was done with her. " I admitted.

"You did what?" She asked out in disbelief. "Tobin, what the hell dude? You came here tonight to sing a song to her and tell her you love her. What the hell happened?"

"I don't know Al. I was excited to see her again and I was excited to sing to her and then I saw her with Alyssa first and it freaked me out and I started to second guess everything. I started thinking that I was an idiot to think that Christen would ever like me more than a friend, that she would never return my love and so I drank, and then I stumbled around trying to find a bathroom and I instead stumbled into a hallway where I found Christen. And it looked like she was making out with someone else and I just snapped. I was hurt and so at the moment, I wanted to hurt her too. I guess I got what I wanted uh?" I felt the tears come down my face."She's never going to talk to me again."

Allie didn't say anything for a while she just held me, rubbing my back soothingly.

"Honestly Harry, you did really fuck up and I don't know how you are going to make this one up to her. You are lucky Christen is one of the most caring people in the world, I am mean she was there for you last night even though you are an idiot. So first you definitely need to apologize. Then you are going to explain what happened. You are going to explain to her just like you explained to me and then you are going to sing her the song and just finally tell her how you feel about her. And maybe just maybe if you are lucky enough she can overlook how stupid you were yesterday."

I nodded understanding that she was right. I need to apologize to her and hopefully, she will forgive me. I jumped out of bed going to the bathroom to tidy myself up a bit, can't hurt to make sure I look as good as possible right?

I walked back to see Allie still in the bed. "Have you seen my guitar?"

"Yeah I put it in the closet in here yesterday to hide it from Christen." I went over to the closet to grab it putting the strap over me and letting my guitar rest against my back.

"Okay wish me luck Harry because I am going to need all the luck in the world. "

"Luck." She called out to me as I walked out of the room. I made my way down the hallway to Christen room. Pausing at the door, looking at all the amazing drawings she has on it while catching my breath before I knocked on the door.

No answer.

I knocked again. "Who is it?" Christen's voice called through the door. I didn't give a verbal answer instead I knock again, hoping that if she doesn't know it's me she will give me a chance.

"Stop knocking. I am coming!" She yelled again. I heard her footsteps approach the door and I felt my heart practically beat out of my chest.

Finally, the door opened and revealed her beautiful green eyes. And then as fast as it opened it was closing. "Wait, Chris, please." I pleaded with her, managing to stick my foot in the door preventing it from closing.

She looked down at my foot and then looked back at me with a glare that could kill.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Please I just want to tell you how sorry I am."

"Why are you sorry, I am just a slut, right? Besides you don't need to apologize anymore because like you said you are done with me right?"

"Please Chris, I am sorry I said all those things I was angry and drunk and an idiot. I saw you with Alyssa and I thought you were with her and so I drank because I was upset because I thought that I had lost you to someone else again. The last time I fucked it up and I picked explaining what was happening to Lauren over you and I lost my chance then. Then I didn’t tell you how I felt that night when you found me by the pool during the party and then the next day you were with Alex. And now I thought you needed space after Alex and that’s why I haven’t said anything and then tonight I saw you with someone else and I lost my temper. I'm so sorry, I didn't see what was actually happening. I am sorry I yelled at you, I am sorry I don't beat the shit out of that guy, I am sorry I called you a slut, I am sorry I said I was done with you. I thought I just missed my chance again. ”

“I think you did miss your chance again Tobin. It’s always something with us. Something always happens. Sorry isn't enough anymore. I have heard it too many times from you now and I don't think I can survive any more situations that involve a sorry from you." She said to me with tears filling her eyes.

"Please Chris, I promise that if you accept my apology this time I will never have to tell you sorry again. I swear I will never do anything that will hurt you again."

"Tobin you know what promises mean to me."

"I do Christen and that's why I am making them. I want you to know that I mean what I am saying."

"I can't believe you, Tobin...You have broken your promise before and hurt me and ....I can't just forgive you again... I can't allow my heart to be any more damaged than it already is." She whispered out to me.

"Please Chris...Please don't give up on me. " I tried again.

"Tobin please stop. I don’t hate you. I don’t think you mean to hurt me. You are a good person I know that. I know you make so many people happy. But you have hurt me and it hurts me now to say no to you again, and I don't think I can handle to say yes again. I can’t give you another chance to hurt me.” She told me tears streaming down her face now. She turn away from me and walked into her room and I was going to follow but Alyssa appeared in the doorway now stopping me from moving forward.

"Tobin you need to stop. You are just hurting her more." She told me and then she shut the door in my face.

I froze for a second thinking about what Alyssa said. Should I just give up? It seems like since meeting Christen my life has gotten better, but all I have done is hurt her. So maybe I should let her move on. Defeated I decided to walk away.

"Tobin sing your song," Allie ordered me from the doorway of the room we slept in.

"Al what if she should move on."

"Tobin do you really want her to move on?"

"Of course not."

"Then sing."

I moved back towards Christen's door before speaking. " Chris... I don't know if you are listening anymore but I really hope you are. If you never forgive me I will understand, but before I go I just I wanted to sing you the song I was going to sing to you yesterday. I want you to know exactly how I feel about you. You have to know how I feel about you because I’m not missing another opportunity, even if you never forgive me.”

I didn't get a response but I closed my eyes, grabbed my guitar, and started to sing anyway.

When I'm alone

And talk to myself

Like I'm talking to you

Talking to you

I laid on the couch

And humble a little tune hmm hmm

Like I'm singing to you

And I know it takes a little more time to get through

And I'm so, I'm so in love with you

You know I can't control it

And acting like such a fool

And I'm so, I'm so in love with you

Here still wishing and hoping and waiting to hear it from you

Let me hear it from you

You

If I fall asleep

And find you in a dream

Laying next to me

I'm holding my breath

Entangled in sheets

And I wanna believe

I wanna believe

And in the morning I still waiting for this dream

To come true

And I'm so, I'm so in love with you

You know I can't control it

And acting like such a fool

And I'm so, I'm so in love with you

Here still wishing and hoping and waiting to hear it from you

Let me hear it from you

You

Let me hear it from you

You

"I'm in love with you Christen and if you can't say it back to me now if you can’t forgive me now that's fine but please just don't give up on me." The door opened and I moved quickly thinking it was Christen, but Alyssa came to the door instead.

She had a sad look on her face and I soon found out why. "Tobs, Christen is gone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think?
> 
> Did Christen hear the song?
> 
> Will it be enough for her to forgive Tobin?
> 
> Will she ever tell Tobin she is in love with her too?


	28. Part Twenty-Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very important chapter!

**Tobin's PoV**

"Christen is gone."

Alyssa's words kept repeating over and over again in my head. But despite that, it's like I couldn't comprehend what she was saying.

"She's gone?" I repeated out loud this time. "How could she be gone I just saw her. She was just here. She was just talking to me. She can't be gone." I refused to believe that Christen wasn't behind the door. I refused to believe that she didn't hear my song. So I pushed the door open and made my way into the room. Into the empty room.

All of her drawers were open, some were completely emptied. I could tell there were things missing here and there, her charges that were always plugged into the wall, the picture of her and her mom from her desk, and her sketchbook that she kept on her bedside table among other things.

Things that wouldn't be missing if she was actually planning on coming back soon.

And that's when I noticed it the fresh paint smell. I looked around the room trying to find the source, glancing from one wall to the other until I saw gleaming new paint on the wall that she has dedicated to all the people she has left or has left her. The wall she dedicated specifically to remember and express the pain she has had to go through. I slowly walked to it afraid of what I would see there.

In front of me was a painting of a soccer ball. But it wasn't just a plan soccer ball in each little panel there was a different little picture in each. In one of the hexagons I saw a stack of books, but not just any books, books with spinal coverings including the author and title. All of which were some of my favorites. In another panel I saw there was an ocean with a surfboard stuck in the sand, in the background was a tiny pier and the sun was setting, my favorite place to be other than a soccer field. And lastly in the middle looked like it was the high school field, I could make out the scoreboard. The old shed in the background with Larry, ( what I called the lawnmower) sitting in front.

I felt myself slowly moving away from the wall, towards her bed until I felt it hit the back of my legs and I fell back into it. It was obviously meant for me. The soccer ball and every scene there were me. I made the wall of people that she considered part of her past. She considered me part of her past.

I felt my heart throb at that thought. The thought that I had finally pushed her past even her limits. I have tested her patience, her understanding one too many times and she had finally given up on me. I felt my whole body just shut down. I lost her.

I felt arms wrap around me trying to provide me some comfort. "Tobin.," Lauren whispered out.

"She's done with me, Laur." I whimpered out to her.

"Tobs?" I heard Allie call from the side of the room I was just standing by. "Tobin?"

She called again when I didn't answer the first time.

"Allie, there's nothing you can say that can make me feel better right now." I lashed out at her.

"Tobin I don't think she has given up on you yet." She countered.

"I saw the painting Allie, it's for me. And you know what that wall means to her." I whispered out to her more calmly than before.

"You need to look at this painting again, Tobs." She told me sternly. "And really look at it."

I got up slowly confused about what she was talking about. Once I got back in front of the painting I examined it once again. This time I tried looking more at it. At first, I was distracted by what it meant, to really examine it, but once I did I realized what Allie was talking about.

The painting wasn't complete. In the middle picture the one with the school you could tell that she started to paint the bleachers, but in the middle of them, there was a gap. Something was missing.

"She didn't finish it." I murmured out loud mostly in shock to myself, but Alyssa responded anyway.

"After she calmed you down enough last night to fall asleep, she came back in here. At first, she broke down she was a complete mess crying harder then I have ever seen her cry. I tried to comfort her but nothing was working and then all of a sudden she jumped out of bed grabbed her supplies and started to paint. She seemed better, angry but better then she was before so I let her paint. I thought the painting was helping. She was in a frenzy while working her brush moving everywhere at once, there was no pause in her strikes like she already knew and planned everything out that she was painting. And then all of a sudden she stopped."

"She just stopped painting?" Allie asked.

"She just froze, she stopped painting for a good hour or so and she would just stand there and look at the painting and then she got up and started to pack. I tried to get her to stop but she wouldn't and she wouldn't tell me where she was going, just that she needed to go."

"And then what happened?" Lauren asked.

"And then Tobin knocked at the door," Alyssa responded. It was quite for a second, everyone was thinking about what happened. But there was one question I needed the answer to.

"Lys did she hear my song?" I finally asked her.

Alyssa looked up at me for the first time in a while and sighed before she started to explain. "After I closed the door on you, Christen was standing in front of the painting again. She had her paintbrush in her hand again, and she was staring at the picture and as she was about to start and then we heard a guitar. She immediately dropped the brush and walked closer to the door. She froze when you started to sing, she for a split second had a small smile on her face..." Alyssa paused again before continuing to fill us in on what was happening.

"...But before you even got passed the first verse she looked back towards her bag and the smile disappeared and she seemed sadder than ever before. But she started to move away from the door. She was mumbling to herself and grabbed her bags and threw them out the window. I tried to get her to stop to explain what she was doing but she wouldn't tell me and all she said was to take care of her house and Morena and that she had to go." Alyssa explained.

"So there is no hope, she didn't finish the painting because I scared her away ."

"Tobin..." Lauren came over and wrapped her arms around me, trying to comfort me, but I didn't want comfort right now. I deserved to feel this way.

I threw her arms off of me and went back to Christen's bed, needing to be close to her somehow. I grabbed her pillow and brought it to my chest. "I'm such a fucking idiot. Why did I think I could just sing to hear that I am in love with her and she would magically forgive me and tell me she loves me too. I bet she really hates me now, I ruined everything."

"Tobin I don't think Christen hates you, far from it actually. " Lauren tried to reassure me.

"She put me on her wall Laur, you don't understand what that wall means to her."

"But she didn't finish it," Allie argued.

"Because I scared her away," I argued back.

"You don't know that for sure. From what Alyssa was saying she had time to finish it, but she didn't Tobin. I don't think Christen has entirely given up on you. I think you need to talk to her before you assume the worst." Lauren said.

"And how am I going to talk to her? She left and no one knows where."

"I can try calling her?" Alyssa spoke up. She pulled her phone out and called her. She put the phone up to her ear, but immediately put it down.Not a good sign.

"Her phones off."

"So that's it," I said finally.

"Hey, look at this." Allie was at Christen's desk looking a piece of paper.

"What is it?" Lauren asked.

"It's a flight confirmation," Allie answered. "And she doesn't have a flight for another 4 hours."

"Where's the flight too?" Alyssa questioned.

“Pennsylvania ."

"Pennsylvania, why would she be going there?"

"It doesn't matter why she is going there but it does matter that her flight isn't for another couple of hours," Allie responded.

"Why does that matter?" Alyssa asked.

"Because Christen probably is still in town."

"How do you know she would still be here?" Lauren asked.

"Because Christen doesn't like airports. She can't handle being around that many people at one time and she hates waiting with nothing to do for hours." I responded knowing Christen.

"Right and so she has to be in town. Now we just have to figure out where Christen would go to get away and waste time."

Where would Christen go? She would probably want to be somewhere where she can be as alone as she could get. My first guess would be the field at school, knowing she likes to take her frustrations out on a soccer ball. But she can't be there because she hates it when she can't shower right away after sweating. So no to the school.

But there is one other place I know she goes when she is upset or wants to be alone. A place she goes go get away from everyone. A place she goes when she is hungry which she must be because it's the morning and I don't think she has eaten anything in a while.

"Allie, can I take your car?" I asked shooting off the couch and towards Allie.

"You know where she is at?"

"Of course I do. Now please the keys." I held my hand out for them. Which she fished out of her pocket and placed them in there. I ran out of the room quickly not saying hi to anybody I was passing. I made my way out the front door and ran around until o reached Allie's car. I pulled away and sped off towards my destination.

Skip car ride.

I threw open the doors of the diner. Looking around for the brown curly hair I love. But with a quick sweep of the room, I realized she wasn't here. Dejected about how wrong I was about to turn and leave, but a hand grabbed my shoulder. I turned around to face the person.

"Oh hello, Beth," I mumbled out in disappointment.

"Hello dear." She paused giving me a quick smile. "She's on the roof Tobs." She told me quietly. I opened my mouth in shock. But before I could respond Beth shoved me in the direction of the stairs. And with no more hesitation, I ran up the stairs and onto the roof.

I made my way through the first pathway that was covered in flowers and various plants to the covered area with the couch, where I had finally found the curly brown hair I was looking for. I could only see half of her body because she was sittingsideways on the couch, with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them, she had her chin resting onher arms. I slowly made my way towards her, and even when I was standing right in front of her she didn't move at all.

"Chris?" I called out quietly. I saw a shudder rack through her whole body and she let out a shaky breath.

"You can't be here right now." She whispered out.

"I know you don't want to talk to me right now and I know you are leaving, I just really need to talk to you," I told her as I tried to moved closer to her, but as soon as I tried to sit on the couch she ducked her head and got up and tried to leave.

"I can't do this. We can't do this." She mumbled quietly to herself as she walked away.

"You can't just leave it like this please just say something" I pleaded with her. She stopped where she was walking, but she didn't turn around, but I took this as my opportunity to talk again. "Christen, please I just need to know one thing, Chris."

"What Tobin?" She asked without turning around.

"Did you not finish the painting because you ran out of time or is there still hope for me?" I asked her nervously. She finally turned around and faced me and I felt another throb go through my heart because her eyes were red and puffy, she had tears still coming down her face and her normally vibrant green eyes were way more grey and lifeless than usually. And I am the cause of her being like this.

"I...I was so hurt last night by the things you said to me and of what you thought I was doing. It hurt me to think that you could even believe that I was seeing so many people at one time, but the worse part about it Tobin was that you were so quick to say you are done with me, without even letting me explain. After everything we have been through, after all the stuff that I was told you did and all the stuff I saw you do with my own two eyes I always gave you a chance to explain yourself. I always believed the best in you and yet you couldn't do the same for me."

"Chris..."

"No just let me finish... once I talked to Alyssa and she told me how drunk you were I, calmed down some, and whenAllie came in to tell me you were having a panic attack and I went to comfort you I knew how sorry you were. I knew you didn't really mean the things you said to me Tobin, but it still left me thinking about us Tobin."

"What about us Chris?" I asked her confused. If she knew how sorry I am and she knows I didn't really mean what I said, how did I manage to get on the wall even if it wasn't complete.

"Tobin, I noticed something about us. It took me long enough to figure it out, but I don't think we are ever meant to be anything more then friends."

"How can you say that Chris? You know that I care about you way more than a friend I have for a long time now and I thought you felt the same way about me too."

"Of course I do Tobin. I really care about you Tobin, more then I have for anyone in a while, but I don't think its enough. I don't think we are meant to be together because every time we are ready to move our relationship past friendship something happens."

"Chris, what are you talking about?"

"Tobin when we first met we were friends, you took the time to help me with school work and with soccer and I felt this connection with from the beginning and when I finally accepted that I had feelings for you, I caught you dating other people. And then the girls told me about their past with you and so I had to stay away. After when you cleaned up your act and you were the girl I knew you were, I gave you another chance, and then your best friend ran into us as soon as we were starting a romantic relationship and you ran away. You gave up on me on us so quickly and after months of not talking when I was starting to move on you came back into my life you explained what happened and I was ready to let you back into my life, but you were gone again without doing anything again and so I dated Alex. And we became best friends Tobin. I told you things that I haven't told anyone. We were good, for the first time since we met there was no drama between us, we were just us. And yet as soon as I am not dating someone and you aren't dating someone we get confronted with other things again. You finally got your friends back and don't get me wrong I am happy for you I know what the girls mean to you, but you didn't talk to me for a week. So, of course, I expected the worse I thought that not only were you still in love with Alex, but you didn't need me in your life at all. And then you show up at my house and you came to talk to me and you think I am dating someone else and when I went to find you to tell you I like you too, a douche bag forces me to kiss him and you see it and think I am dating someone else........And so I have finally come to the conclusion that the universe doesn't want us to be together Tobin." She rushed out in a big explanation.

"What?"

"It's like you said, missed chances. We keep missing chances and maybe that is because of our own faults, but I think it is more than that. I have to believe that after all these chances the universe doesn't want us to be anything more than friends. 

"I don't care," I had to stand there for a good two minutes, process all that she said because she was right we had been through so much and yes it did seem like we weren't meant to be together when she said it like that, but I don't care. "Christen who cares about that stuff who cares about what other people think. I don't care, what the universe thinks, fuck the universe! I want to be with you." I closed the remaining distance between us and grabbed her hand, pulling her back towards the couch so we both sat down facing each other.

"Tobin?"

"You never answered my question." I ignored her. 

"Your question?" She asked confused. 

"Did you not finish the painting because you ran out of time or is there still hope for me?"

She paused, obviously unsure of her own thoughts, "I tried to put you in the past, I wanted to move on. I didn't want things to not be complicated anymore. But I couldn't finish it. Every time I tried to finish it I would think about never seeing you again, never hearing your laugh again, never have an argument with you about which soccer team was better and I couldn't do it. I can't get you out of my head Tobin. No matter what we had been through no matter what has come between us, I haven't been able to get you out of my head."

"So you didn't just run out of time?"

"I didn't just run out of time." She confirmed.

"Chris, there's no one here right now, no one knows we are here, I don't have any more secrets from you that could keep us apart, and so I am telling you right now I want to be with you Christen Press. I don't want to be just your best friend anymore. I want to be able to hold your hand, and kiss you whenever I want." I leaned in closer so that our lips were only separated by a few inches. "Give me a reason we shouldn't be together."

"I can't..." She whispered before connecting our lips together. I immediately kissed her back, while she wrapped her arms around my neck as I placed mine on her hips. The kiss was slow and sensual. It was like the whole world was revolving around. We were in no rush, just getting familiar with each other until she licked my bottom lip and I opened up my mouth giving her tongue access to the inside of my mouth. That's when the kiss really started to heat up, and that's when she pulled away from the kiss. She was breathing hard and I couldn't help but move my mouth to her neck leaving soft kisses along with it. "Tobs.." She whispered out.

"Yeah. " I murmured into her neck refusing for my lips to not be in contact with her any time soon.

"Tobin?" She tried again to get my attention, but this time I heard a crack in her voice which immediately got my attention. I pulled enough away from her to get a look at her face and she had fresh tears coming down her face.

"What's wrong babe?" I grabbed her face wiping away the tears as they came down.

"I...I.."

"Chris, I promise everything is going to be okay now. This time I am not going to let anything get between us. Not the universe, not our friends, not other people, not even myself. I am going to be with you as long as you will let me."

"What if I am the problem? What if this time I am getting in the way?" She sobbed out.

"Chris, what are you talking about?"

"I'm leaving Tobin."

At that reminder, I remembered why she was here. She packed a bunch of her stuff, she left without saying goodbye, she has a plane ticket.

She's leaving.

"But you said you convinced your dad to let you stay till graduation. You said you were staying." I managed to get out in the panic that was going on in my brain right now.

"I'm not leaving forever Tobin. But I am leaving to go visit schools and I have to do something for my dad but eventually, I am leaving Tobin and I don't know where I am going and then what?"

"Chris, breath. Everything is going to be okay. We are going to get through it. I just made you some promises and I intend to keep them."

"But how Tobin?"

"Easy. I am coming with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this one. As always, give a kudos. Leave a comment. Tell me what you think will happen next. Tell me what you thought of this chapter. I really love all the comments, everyone, leaves. It means a lot to me!


	29. Part Twenty-Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It starts off fluff. Gets explicit.

**Christen POV**

"Chris, breath. Everything is going to be okay. We are going to get through it. I just made you some promises and I intend to keep them."

"But how Tobin?"

"Easy. I am coming with you."

And Tobin did just that. She convinced me to go back to my house so she can return Allie's car and so Lauren can bring her stuff to her. She wanted to make sure that I can say goodbye to everyone. Which was really sweet of her.

And somehow she only got more sweet from then. The whole car ride she held on one of my hands and would ever so often lift it up and place a kiss on it. And the sweetness didn't stop there, when we finally got to the airport she tried paying for her ticket, which I then had to explain that my dad had his own plane we are using.

She was quiet for a second after that and when we got to the gate she told me she would be right back with a quick kiss on the lips and a smile. When she came back she had a bouquet of flowers and she said that she doesn't deserve me, but she would be honored if I would go on a date with her wherever we are going.

Of course, I said yes.

We got lucky and she convinced the man that was supposed to sit next to me to switch seats with her. She sat next to me the whole time either holding my hand or putting her arm on my shoulders. And when we were talking she would just sit and listen to me and after I kept telling her more and more about myself she would murmur things like you're perfect or you're amazing.

We arrived on Penn's campus, and for the two days we were there I couldn't help but be distracted but what is Tobin Heath. She went with me everywhere.

Constantly cracking jokes, giving me compliments, and sneaking kisses.

And not to mention the perfect dates. Yes, dates. She truly outdid herself. The first one she took me on, we walked around the campus until we found a good spot and she pulled a picnic out of her backpack. Full of my favorite junk foods and drinks. After she found an ice cream shop where we got to create our own flavor. It didn’t turn out great as she wanted crazy sweet flavors and I wanted a simple flavor, but we both loved it none the less.For our second one, she somehow arranged for us to use one of the art rooms there. And she let me paint and she tried to paint along with me. While she played her favorite music switching from just listening to the speaker she brought and singing/ playing on different instruments for me. And she ended the night with a song she wrote for me.

"I wrote you a song." She admitted to me while she took a seat on the piano bench and began to move her fingers against the keys.

You think that you know my heart

And you probably do

So I'm always with you

I could stay with you for hours

In an empty room

And never get bored

Never have nothing to do

You're my other half

You're what makes me me

What makes me smile

When I fall down and can't get back, get back, get back up

On my feet

Without you here I am boring

Something inside you is triggering

It makes me myself

Makes me funny, you're a beautiful thing

We're a beautiful thing together

Even when the weather is low

You're a beautiful thing

We're a beautiful thing together

Even when the weather is low

We find the rainbow

Up in the sky

You'd say don't you cry, it's all gonna be alright

If we ever gone through a fight oh that would be bad

'Cause you know all of my secrets

But I know all of yours

We make hours turn into seconds together

The weight of the world feel like a feather

'Cause we're holding it right in our hands

You're my other half

You're what makes me me

What makes me smile

When I fall down and can't get back up, get back, get back up

On my feet

Without you here I am boring

Something inside you is triggering

It makes me myself

Makes me funny

You're a beautiful thing

We're a beautiful thing together

Even when the weather is low

You're a beautiful thing

We're a beautiful thing together

Even when the weather is low

You and me

Together, we'll forget what we have been told

We'll live in our own dream world

You and me, forever

We'll forget what we have been told

We will take on the whole world

Without you here I am boring

Something inside you is triggering

It makes me myself, it makes me funny

You're a beautiful thing

We're a beautiful thing together

Even when the weather is low

And that's a beautiful thing

Throughout the song, I made my way closer until when she let out the last note I was sitting on the bench right next to her.

“You are so amazing, Tobin.”

“You are the amazing one, Chris. You have changed my whole life. I was going to let my life just slip away. After I lost everything, I just gave up on life. I was going to live an average life. But you came into my life and you made me want to be more than average. You made my life so much better. Better than average and I’m so lucky I got the chance to met you. I’m so lucky to be with you.”

“It’s lucky that my dad decided to come to town. It’s lucky that we had a class together or we met on the soccer field. But us being together that’s not about luck.It’s not lucky. We are not lucky people, our lives have proved that. But we made this happen. We belong together. But we had to fight to be together. We had to fight to get to this spot and I’m not And I’m going to fight for you every time. I’m going to fight for us. Always.”

She gave her megawatt smile. I have never seen a bigger smile on anyone's face and I know there was one matching on mine. So I pulled her into a searing kiss, which we both pulled away breathless after what seemed to be forever. And despite how good her song was and how great that kiss was, what really made butterflies appear in my stomach was the way she looked at me after the kiss.

She looked up at me with such adoration, I knew then that I was in love with her.

And yet when she looked like she was going to say it, I kissed her instead because I wasn't ready for that yet. And I think she understood that because for the rest of the time at Penn, to when we were at NC, to even when we made it to Stanford she didn't try to say it again to me.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Back to Penn.

Nothing the campus had to offer was enough to take my attention away from the dirty blonde, not even the soccer team of the extensive art program they have there. So it was easy enough to say no to Penn when the coach asked me if I was planning on accepting their offer.

Stepping foot on NC's was a completely different experience. As soon as we arrived I was consumed of all that was NC, well not totally consumed because Tobin was still a constant distraction. She came with me on every tour I went on, even taking the time to point out other things around the campus she knew from her past experiences coming here when she thought she was coming. At first, I thought she wouldn't want to do any of this with me here, being it was a reminder still of the roughest part of her life, but she seemed to be having a good time.

That was until I brought up the practice which I was going to participate in. I invited her to join me, but she refused to say it was too much for her. And so for the first time in a solid 24 hours, we were apart for more then a couple of minutes. The first few minutes of the practice I was worried about Tobin, but as soon as my foot touched the ball I was consumed. The team was great, I felt like I immediately fit in with them which was important to me. I liked the way the coach lead the team. Their routine was similar to the one I already did but still managed to push me past the limits I thought I had. Everything this school had to offer seemed almost too perfect for me. Everything seemed to be exactly how I wanted and needed to be.

The only time I felt uneasy the whole time I was a temporary Tar Heel was on the walk back to the dorm room where Tobin was waiting for me when I was at the practice. But as soon as I opened the door I knew everything was good with her because she met me at the door with a giant hug, a smile on her face, and a kiss that took my breath away.

"How did it go?" She asked me after slowly detangling from me.

"It was amazing Tobin. The field seemed to be huge and the grass was...oh my god... you would have gone crazy cutting that grass. And the team... the team was awesome they made me feel welcome right away and the coach is so cool.

She knew so much and already was able to give me tips and stuff already. The classes seem interesting and they said they will help with any academic help I need, plus the art program here is insane and the whole campus is amazing and perfect. " I gushed out still feeling my adrenaline pumping from practice or probably more likely the kiss I was greeted with.

"I knew you would love it here." She responded simply, but despite her positive words, the smile that was on her face before was gone. I could see her slightly zone out and the worry that was in her eyes now.

"What's wrong Tobin?" Now concerned.

"Nothing babe. I'm happy you're happy. I just spaced out." She responded to the smile making its way back to her face.

"Are you sure?" I still wasn't convinced.

"Positive." She leaned in quickly and pecked my lips once again, but I still wasn't convinced but I let it go.

And that was a mistake. Which I found out after Stanford.

My experience at Stanford was so different than my experience at the other two schools. In that I fit well enough into the school, the soccer team accepted me with open arms and the coach was amazing, even Tobin came and she even played in the scrimmage with me and the coach seemed to be just as impressed with her as he was with me. Especially the way we worked together.

It seemed like this school was perfect for me. I was having just as good of time there as I did in NC. Well, that was until Tobin and I went into a class.

As soon as the lecture started I was lost. I knew I was in over my head, to begin with, but Tobin was a different story. The teacher was moving quickly through her PowerPoint. I could see the class all taking notes right along with the professor. Everyone looked interested in the lesson, especially Tobin. She was leaning forward in her seat, with wide eyes. It was the first time since we got together that we were this close to each other and she didn't have any contact with me what's so ever. That's how entranced with this lesson she was.

When the professor finally finished the lecture portion and asked for questions, Tobin's hand immediately shot into the air. She asked the professor question after question. Starting arguments with some of the classmates and ending them. She even got the professor to admit defeat on one of her points. Although it did take the rest of the lesson time and ten minutes after that, she was confident and articulate the whole time. Bringing up multiple references by memory as counterpoints to anyone.

She was amazing. And I didn't understand a word she was saying, but I was proud of her. And I only got more proud of her from then, because the teacher was so impressed with Tobin she offered her a scholarship on the spot. A full-ride.

***Tobin's PoV***

I couldn't have been happier after that. A full-ride scholarship! Right then and there I knew my life couldn't get any more perfect than it was then. I have my friends back, school and my future are now going to be taken care of and I have the most perfect unbelievable girl.

As soon as the teacher left the classroom and we were alone I pulled Christen into my arms, spinning her around until I kissed her. She kissed me back passionately, immediately swiping her tongue against my lips asking for entrance which I granted. This didn't take me by surprise as we have been making out constantly, but I surprised myself by moving my hands from where they were resting on her lower back to squeeze her ass. Making her release a small moan.

I moved my hands down to her thighs and lifted her up onto the counter the teacher was previously giving her lecture on. I took that opportunity to step closer to her in between her legs and wrap my arms around her torso. It was definitely the most heated kiss we had shared so far and yet I couldn't help but let myself be overcome with a smile, effectively stopping the kiss.

But Christen didn't seem to mind because when I pulled away to look at her. Her eyes were shining, she had a huge smile on her face, which wasn't unusual with her especially within the last few days together, but what made me feel the way that I did was the adoration she had on her face looking at me.

And that good feeling only lasted a second because I as soon as I opened my mouth to tell her I love her. I saw panic washed over her. Liked she realized what I was going to say. Like she knew I was going to say the exact three words that I was told her in my song that initially scared her off. The exact three words that I have been trying to say to her since we got together on the rooftop. The exact three words that I think she feels about towards me too but refused to say it out loud.

"Please don't." She pleaded with me quietly, dropping her gaze from mine.

"Chris?"

"Please don't say it."

"Why not?"

"Because.....because I don't want you to say them and not actually mean them." She explained to me.

"I know what I feel Chris. I know I mean it." I argued.

"I still don't want you to say them."

"Why?" I asked confused about what could still be keeping her afraid.

“Because I’m not ready to say them back.”

“Why not?”

"Because I’m not ready and I don’t want you to say them now and regret having said them in the future. "

"Why would I regret saying it to you?"

"Because....we don't know Tobin. I... I don't know...." I felt myself stagger back away from her words.

"You don't know that you love me?" I asked her, hurt at what she was saying.

"No Tobin, it's not that I swear. I know how I feel about you Tobin, but I don't know what the future holds for us. We are 18 years old. We have barely been dating for a week now. You seem to be sure of what your future holds with Stanford. But I don't know Tobin. I don't know where I am going to be in three months' time. And I don't want you to say you love me when you might not in the not so far future."

She admitted to me full of emotion and with the tears that were coming down her face now, I couldn't help but move closer to her pulling her back into my arms. Rubbing her back soothingly while I collected my thoughts.

"Christen I'm not afraid to tell you that I love you. That I am totally and uncontrollably in love with you. Because even though you are right and I can't know for sure what the future may hold for either one of us. I know that this last week with you has been the best time of my life and I know that it is because of you. And I can't even imagine anything that could make me not love you. Because nothing can be better than this right here. Just us. And nothing could be worse than not being with you anymore. So even if you don't want to hear it, even if you think I will regret it in the future, even if you aren't ready to say it back, I love you Christen Press."

She was looking back up at me now with a small smile on her face now. "I...I..." she sighed out in frustration. I could tell that she wanted to say it back, but she was struggling to get it out.

"It's okay Chris. You don't have to say it."

"I want to Tobin. I do you have to believe that. It's just that I just can't. Not yet at least. But you know how much I care about you right?" She asked me.

And I nodded. I do know that she cares about me. I know that she loves me, but if she wasn't ready to admit it, that's okay with me because even her letting me say it to her is enough for now.

"Good. And I will work on it okay?" She told me smiling up at me now. And I couldn't help but return her smile. "Now maybe we can continue this back in our room." She smirked up at me winking, before running out of the classroom and I could only chase her back to our room.

I hurriedly shut the door behind me and turned around to see my girlfriend standing in just her jeans, her stomach was bare, her tight abs flexing as she breathed. I wanted to study the bare parts of her when I saw Christen reach up and pull her hair out of the long ponytail and the dark brown locks flowed down surrounding her face. I was snapped out of her moment with Christen calling my name gently.

I took a step forward, as I watched Christen strip off her grey sports bra and toss it away. The corners of her mouth stretched into a full-blown grin. I shook my head and took a deep breath in disbelief that this was happening to her. "You are so incredibly beautiful." I reached out longing to touch every inch of my girlfriend as she was taking her jeans off now too.

Christen took the few steps she needed to in order to close the gap between them. I didn't get a chance to breathe before Christen was kissing me. My hands were on the small of her back pulling her in closer to me as we kissed, soft and loving, passionate and caring like she was telling me at the moment that she loved me.

I felt Christen pull back just a little and break the kiss. I looked in her eyes, studying the green that almost seemed grey in this light, I couldn't focus on anything but her. She pulled the two of us across the room to the bed. I felt Christen pull at the hem of my shirt before tugging it off and throwing it out the way.

It was seconds before my bra was pulled over her head and thrown out too.

I ran my hand down her stomach tracing each one of her abs with my fingers. I kissed her neck taking small nibbles at just the right places to get a gasp out of her. She slipped her hand down the front of my shorts. But I didn't want to wait any longer.

I flipped us over so I was on top of her. My hands now resting on her upper thighs and I looked up at her asking if it was okay to move forward. She gave me a quick nod and I was quick to pull her underwear off of her. But as I looked back up Christen's eyes were closed. So I made my way up her body slightly and waited until her green eyes met mine. I gave her a quick kiss. "I love you Chris," I whispered before continuing.

I ran her tongue against Christen's hard nipple taking it into her mouth and sucking gently. This made her gasp as she stared down at me. I moved to the other showing it equal attention, which made her chest rise and fall roughly, her breathing becoming shallow and jagged with every motion. I looked up and saw Christen still looking down at me, eyes dark, pupils were blown, mouth slightly open.

She was amazing and I couldn't help but to captured her lips once again.

Christen ran her fingers through my hair and pulling out the tie that was keeping it in a messy ponytail. She pulled me in closer making the kiss rough and rushed as their tongues battled for control. I could tell she wanted more because that's what I wanted to. I felt her hips buck up looking for the friction she craved so I slid my hand down between us. I touched her clit, gently at first, waiting for the inevitable moan to escape from her mouth. As Christen cried out, I started to move my hand more quickly adding pressure all the while we were still kissing. I was swallowing all the moans coming from her. I broke the kiss, for a second making my way to her cheek and all the way down her neck and just before she could ask for more I slid my hand down a little further my fingers teasing her entrance.

"Chris, are you sure?" I asked once more wanting to make sure she was ready.

"Please Tobin. I want you. I want all of you." She moaned out.

My fingers slide inside with ease. I started to pump in and out. She was breathing fast and heavy, a slew of affirmations, curse words and my name came from her mouth as she moved up and down allowing my fingers to go further into her. I could tell by the way she was breathing, the way her nails were digging into my back, the way her walls were tightening around my fingers she was almost there.

So I moved faster curling my fingers just enough and Christen called my name.

As she rode out her orgasm, her legs shaking against mine. I held on tight to the woman I as I still was moving with slow motions inside of her. I let the aftershocks run through her body as she started to come down off her high. It was only after I slowly pull my fingers out did she lift her head to look me. We sat there for a few minutes until she seemed to fully recover because she moved over closer to me to give me a searing kiss. I was so distracted by it I barely felt her taking my shorts and underwear off. Before I could tell her she didn't have to she found my clit and pressed her fingers against it and started to make quick tight circles.

I was so overwhelmed with pleasure I couldn't do anything but hold tight onto my girlfriend, digging my short nails into the small of her back. I was breathing heavily, my heart pounding in my chest. I could feel Christen increase the pressure as I was getting closer to the edge. This was quicker than what I would have wanted, but I was so worked up after getting Christen off I knew I would last must longer.

Especially not when Christen had pulled her head back slightly and was now sucking at my neck as well neck.

"Fuck." I gasped, trying to hold tighter to my girlfriends back as she started to move with the motions of her hand. "Baby... I'm going to..." I try to finish the sentence, but couldn't.

Christen smiled against my neck and kissed up to her ear. "Let go." She whispered.

That was all I needed. I let go and felt my legs get weak as I started to come grasping onto Christen as she continued her ministrations, not stopping until the last shudder with through my body against her hand. I was breathing heavily resting my head on Christen's shoulder and all I remember getting out before passing out was another "I love you".


	30. Part Thirty

**Tobin's PoV**

As soon as I woke up I was overcome by one feeling. Happiness.Extremely Happy. Like I can't imagine being happier than I am right now. I was still naked in bed with my arms wrapped around, my perfect, beautiful, and very naked girlfriend.

Just thinking about her puts a smile on my face. God, I'm lucky. I want to shout from rooftops about how much I love this girl and how lucky I am. And last night...last night was nearly perfect. Yes, she didn't say she loves me too, but I am pretty sure by the way she kisses me last night and by the way, she is holding onto me right now in her sleep, she must care for me.

I guess with those thoughts going through my head I subconsciously tightened my grip around her because as I looked down at the brunette that was resting on my chest her eyes were fluttering open.

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you." I apologized to her.

"Mmmm, sleep" she mumbled out before nuzzling her head into my neck, "it's too early." She whispered against my skin. Sending shivers down my whole body.

"Babe, it’s 11." I chuckled out.

"What?!?" She shouted out sitting right up fully awake, looking at the clock like I made it up. "Fuck. " She moved out of the bed grabbing a shirt and pulling it over her head before I grabbed her hand pulling her back down.

"What's wrong? I thought yesterday was the last of all the school stuff. "

"It was the last of the school stuff."

"Oh okay, so why the hurry? You can come back to bed. We can cuddly some more. Sleep some more. And I was thinking that later I can take you out to the soccer field.." I stopped talking now noticing Christen. She looking down at our intertwined hands and hers was rubbing back and forth on my which she only does when she is thinking about something. "Chris, what's wrong?"

She finally looked up at me, she was biting her lip and she was looking at me like she was unsure of something. " I already have plans for today." She whispered out.

"Oh, that's cool. What are we doing today?"

"Ummm well that's the thing, I umm I have to do something with my Father today."

"Oh" Why wouldn't that be something she told before, she obviously has had this plan for a while.

"I was going to tell you yesterday about it but I got distracted....he is in town and he is having this fancy dinner thing trying to close a deal he has been working on and he said that this client is really family-oriented and so he said he needs me to be there and we have to act like a family. And so I have to meet him earlier like in an hour because he has to tell me a bunch of stuffand I have to get me ready in a certain way and...it's going to be really boring and I would rather be with you all day. " She finished with a huff.

"Well, maybe I can go with you?" I offered to her, thinking maybe I can make it better for her.

"I don't know Tobin. It won't be fun and I know you won't enjoy it. I don't want to waste your time." She countered with multiple excuses.

"Well I mean a fancy dinner is not something I would usually enjoy nor is it something you do, and just thinking about meeting your dad makes my stomach hurt, but I would love to meet the person that gave you life. Plus if me being there made it slightly better for you I would be there in a heartbeat. " I explained to her.

"You..you want to meet my father?" She stuttered back shock evident on her face.

"Only if you want me too," I assured her.

She paused for a minute before answering. Messing with the sheets of the bed before finally getting out a response. "I don't.....I don't think it's a good idea."

My heart dropped a little at this. She didn't want me to meet her father. Which meant she didn't think her dad would approve of me or she didn't think we are serious enough, and that seriously hurt because of the intimacy we shared last night especially with my past. I promised myself I would only get physical with someone who is serious about me.

"Why not?" I asked her quietly, scared of the answer but I need to hear why.

"Because....." she took a deep breath before continuing," because it's embarrassing." She finally got out still not meeting my eyes as she said it.

And my heart really dropped then. She was embarrassed by me. She didn't think that her dad wouldn't approve or didn't just think we weren't serious... she is embarrassed. I had to close my eyes to try and stop myself from crying. I focused on keeping my breath as even as possible as to not cause a panic attack because here I was barely ten minutes ago feeling like the happiest person on the planet and wanting to tell the whole world how lucky I am and now the girl who made me feel like that is telling me she is embarrassed by me. And with that realization, I couldn't stop the shaky breath that escaped from my lips.

I saw Christen finally lift her gaze up towards mine before I turned my head and getting up off the bed. I didn't want her to see how much her words had hurt me. I started to throw on some clothes that I found on the floor. And just as I pulled my pants on and my sports bra on I felt Christen tug on my hand.

"Tobs..." she whispered with me.

"Not now Chris," I told her quietly but sternly.

"Tobin it wasn't... it's not...." she tried to make excuses before I cut her off, I don't think my heart could handle hearing any more from her right now.

"I don't really want to hear it right now Chris. I just need some space for a while and you haveto get ready anyway." I headed towards the door, but when I got to the door Christen spoke again.

"Tobin, you are breaking your promise right now." She whispered out to me her voice cracking, obviously full of pain.

And it was the one thing that could stop me from running away to protect myselfwas to protect Christen from being in pain. So I had to turn around and look at her and she had tears running down her face and my heart dropped knowing I caused that.

"Please don't walk away right now. Don't just give up like before we got together. You promised me, you wouldn't let anything come between us not even yourself, but if you walk out right now without letting me explain first you are breaking your promise to me." She pleaded out to me.

I walked right up to her and pulled her into my arms. "You're right. I'm sorry." I pulled her over to the bed and I sat next to her waiting for her to explain, but she was looking up at me like she was shocked. "What? "I asked her why she was so confused about why I did as she said.

"You stayed?"

"You were right I was being dumb and not letting you talk and I was hurting you so..." I motioned down towards my body in the bed finishing my thought.

She gave me a searing kiss before explaining. "It wasn't...when I said I was embarrassed I meant I am embarrassed by how my father makes me feel. I'm embarrassed by the person I am when I am with him. I am embarrassed by him, Tobin. Not you. Never you. You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are so good at everything, not to mention how beautiful you are. I am proud to be your girlfriend. I am proud of you. You have accomplished so much already in your life and I can't wait to see what you do in the future. I know how I feel about you and I wish I can say it out loud but I am still trying to get past my past,..... but Tobin I absolutely adore everything about you and I will tell the whole world if that's what it takes for you to believe that I could never be embarrassed by you."

I felt my heart fluttering the whole time she was talking and I felt like my whole face was on fire by the amount of blushing she caused and when I tried to come up with words I couldn't figure out what to say so I pulled her into me and kissed her. I put everything into that kiss, how sorry I was for overreacting, how sorry I was for almost breaking my promise, how much I love her.

"I love you.." I whispered out against her lips before separating. And when I pulled all the way apart so I can see her whole face she had a smile on her face now.

"Tobin Heath, would you like to accompany me to an over the top dinner that will be boring and meet my father?"

"You're sure?" I had to ask, I didn't want this invitation just because she felt bad.

"I would love nothing more."

"Okay." I agreed.

"Great!" She leaned in once more and laid a chaste kissed on my lips before getting up quickly. She grabbed her phone off the nightstand and walked into the bathroom suddenly. I heard her talking to someone on the phone before coming out a few seconds later. She was flying around the room now collecting stuff here and there before she flew back into the bathroom.

I heard the water turn on and I figured she was taking a shower. But by the time I got a couple of pages into the book I was reading she came back out with wet hair and fresh clothes. She climbed onto the bed and right on top of me pulling the book from my grasp and laying it beside us on the bed.

"Okay so I still have to leave now because my father is crazy, but I set it all up and one of my father's drivers is going to come to pick you up in like a half of an hour and take you to go shopping because I know you didn't plan for anything fancy. And then the driver will take you back here where you can get ready with all of your stuff because I know you don't like people doing your hair or make up for you and then they will take you to the city. Sounds good?" She rambled.

"Ummm yes.." I agreed quickly. She smiled up at me quickly, moving up until she was able to reach my lips and pull me into a kiss that made me not want to let her go, but of course, she rolled off of me too soon and was already off of the bed and grabbing her stuff.

"See you soon."

.

.

.

It's now four hours later and I am standing in the lobby of probably the fanciest hotels I have ever seen, in a city I have never been, San Francisco. There were people moving around all on their phones, all in suits. There were women all in brands that I couldn't even pronounce if I tired all having a couple of people trailing behind them carrying an assortment of things. I have been standing here for two minutes and already three people that work at the hotel have come up to me asking me if I needed help. I told all of them that my girlfriend was supposed to come to get me, at least that is what the driver told me when she dropped me off.

So here I was waiting on probably the most expensive-looking couch I have ever sat on, looking at the elevator, waiting for my girlfriend to come out. When five minutes past and Christen still hasn't shown up, my nerves were starting to get the best of me. I had to stand up and I started to pace back and forth in front of the couch.

"Miss? Do you need some help?" A voice asked me from behind. and as I turned to yell at him, that no I don't need help, I felt a very familiar hand slip into mine.

"Thanks okay. She was waiting for me." Christen spoke to the bellboy calmly.

"Very well Miss Edwards" He bowed his head slightly and turned and walked away.

While I turned and gathered my girlfriend in my arms, having missed her for the

few hours we have been apart.

"I missed you." She voiced my exact thoughts.

"I missed you too, Miss Edwards?"I questioned confused on why he called her that.

She sighed out. slipping out of my arms but keeping my hand as we made our way to the elevator. She pushed the top button and waited until the door closed before she answered. "Edwards is my father's last name. Press is my mother's. I go by Press, because well my mother was my family. My father not so much, except the people around him don't know that. So tonight I am Christen Edwards."

"Oh. And who am I?" I asked her.

"You're Tobin Heath." She answered laughing out loud at my question.

I chuckled at her answer, but rephrased my question, "Right, but like what do you want these people to know who I am to you?"

"I told my father who you are to me. He knows you are my girlfriend, but he said that the other people here are very conservative and that he doesn't think they will approve."

"So you want me to be your best friend tonight?"

"I know it's asking a lot of you to do this, and I tried to argue with my father, but he insisted and I guess I am already kind of asking a lot of him to let me invite you to begin with, so please Tobin even though you are so much more to me just in front of these people will you just be my best friend?" She pleaded with me rambling because of how nervous she was.

"Of course Chris. You told your father and that's all that matters to me. I couldn't care less about these people. Yes, of course, I wish I would be able to hold you and kiss you anytime I want tonight because you look gorgeous by the way," I paused really looking at her. She is wearing a purply red dress with a high neck. She has makeup on, but it is simple and brings out her eyes and her hair is straightened.

"like seriously hot, but I am here tonight for you. And only you, so I will be whoever you need me to be." I assured her.

She smiled at me and quickly gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. " Thank you."

"Anything for you," I added.

"You look great too by the way." She smiled even bigger and leaned in once again, holding it a second longer.

We heard the elevator stop, so we broke apart just in time for the doors to open. And in the opening, we were in what had to be the penthouse. Because the room was huge, and I guess I couldn't really call it a room because there was more than one room. We walked out a straight into what I guess is the living room? There was a huge brick-stone fireplace and the rug on the ground looked as though it shouldn't be walked on, with various seating arrangements scattered around. The whole place was bright because the whole back wall was windows overlooking the city. It was insanely beautiful, but I only had a second to appreciate it because the place was already packed with people.

People in suits and dresses and jewelry that I know cost more than I can even imagine. I didn't realize I had stopped walking until Christen was standing right in front of me, and she slipped her hand into mine.

"Tobs..." she whispered.

"I'm okay. I just got overwhelmed. "

"Okay so we are going to try and find my father because he told me who all of these people are but I don't really know who they are. Plus if we hang around him, most of the people with talking to him and not bore us okay?"

"You won't leave me by myself right?"

"I will by your side the whole night."

"Okay then let's go find your father." She gave me a quick smile, but she hand to pull her hand out of mine, which led to the smile on my face to momentarily fall, until I remembered why she did it. I'm just her best friend right now, not her girlfriend. So I put the fake smile back on my face as I followed her through the party. We made it past a doorway to what would see to be the kitchen, on the island was all different kinds of drinks on one side and on the other a bunch of food. There were chefs at work and waiters coming in and out.

My attention was immediately brought to a tall man who seemed to be around earlythirty's in a dark blue suit, he had his blonde hair slick back, and he seemed to be at least 6'2. Because he seemed to be towering of the waiter he was yelling at.

"So you thought it was a good idea to send out all of the crab cakes at one time! What happens when Mr. Livingston says he wants another and I have to tell him we don't have any. Are you an idiot son?"

"No...no sir." The waiter managed to mutter out, but even from a crossed the room I could see how frightened he seemed. I was going to make my way over to help him out because this guy seemed like a true asshole, who needs to calm down, but as I went to take my first steps Christen grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards her. I looked up at her wondering why she stopped me, but she just shook her head, so I remained in place.

"Well, you could fool me. I thought you said you have done this before. Mess up again and you won't be working around here every again. Am I understood?" The man in the suit continued to yell.

"Yessss...Sir." The waiter agreed and ran right by us and out the door with a new tray in his hands. Which led the man in the suit to turn full towards us.

"Ahhhh, Christen." He greeted the girl beside me while straightening his tie and

walking towards us.

"Dad." She greeted back. Wait dad? This asshole was her father?

"And this must be the girl you were telling me about?"

"Yes dad, this is my girlfriend Tobin Heath."

I snapped out of the shock of who Christen's father is, putting my hand out for him to shake as I greeted him, "Hello Sir, its a pleasure to met you. Thank you so much for allowing me to attend tonight."

He shook my hand back. "Ahh yes, my daughter here was very adamant that you would be allowed to come. Practically threatening that she wouldn't come if you weren't allowed." I looked over at Christen shocked at hearing this. I didn't know she had to put up this type of fight.

"Now I just want to be sure my daughter told you about what is happening tonight?" He continued.

"Umm partially. I didn't have enough time." Christen spoke up from my side.

He gave her a disapproving look before explaining. "So I own a technology company and I am hosting this party to try and convince various investors to give my company money for a new invention that I designed. Now, most of those people out there are very important people that I have already convinced, but possibly the most important Mr. Livingston, I have yet to convince fully. So that's what tonight is, to impress him and his family. Mr. Livingston is very traditional so the story is that Christen travels a lot with me, and the two of you are just old friends understood?"

"Yes, Sir." I agreed.

"Great, and you can call me Cody while we are out there because we have known each other for years."

"Got it."

He gave me a once over making me feel very uncomfortable, before giving an approving nod, which I guess meant I was okay before turning to Chris. "Christen, you remember what I told you about these people right? I need you to do exactly as I said earlier."

"I remember." Christen agreed, but I noticed she seemed uncomfortable because in the span of time we were talking to her father she moved close enough to me that I could feel her warmth and as he was talking her eyes never left her hands which we clasped together.

"Sir, Mr. Livingston was looking for you." A different waiter interrupted.

"Fuck. Okay, I will see you, girls, out there." He ran his hand through his hair before walking back out to the party.

"Chris?" I tried to get her attention. Grabbing her hands and detangling from themselves rubbing them until they seemed to get enough circulation in them. "Are you okay babe?"

"Yes, just nervous sorry. Let's get this night over with shall we?" She motioned towards the door, and I followed her out.

As soon as we walked out the doors, Christen was pulled into a conversation and that happened all night. As soon as we finished one conversation we were pulled into another. I was doing my best to keep a fake smile on my face adding a point here and there when it was something I knew about, but Christen, Christen was radiant the whole time. She seemed to know everyone there and not just their names, she could often ask questions about people's kids and grandkids by names, or bringing up past conversations she had with these people I know it has been at least a couple of months since seeing them.

Everyone seems to really like her. And for the most part, she seems to be having a decent time. And despite the fact that I know she doesn't really care for fancy food and dressing up I don't understand why she was dreading this night.

Well that was until Christen and I finally caught up with her father and the

Livingstons.

Christen finally broke off the conversation with this really cute old couple and managed to bypass and dude who could not get enough of Christen to pull me onto the balcony with her. We both let out a sigh of relief at the fresh air and what we thought was solitude, until we heard voices calling us over.

"Finally! Christen come meet the Livingstons." Christen's dad's voice demanded.

We both looked over in shock to see a group of four people sitting at a table out here. There was Christen's father at the head who started to introduce us to the people.

"This is Mr.Livingston." he motioned to the other head of the table where there was an older man with greying hair, "Mrs. Livingston," a blonde woman next to him who seemed to be at least 15 years younger than her husband "and Chad, their son."

Motioning to a boy with blonde curly hair and striking green eyes who seemed to be around our age.

"Hello, it's a pleasure to meet all of you. This is my best friend Tobin Heath." Christen greeted everyone moving towards the empty seats on the far side of the table. I followed as I waved to the people. "I apologize for not introducing myself and not welcoming you earlier, Mr.Cruz kept me occupied with questions about my recent trips to colleges."

"Oh, that's quite alright Miss Edwards. We understand the stress of hosting a party." Mrs. Livingston assured her. Which I thought was nice of her until she kept talking. "Especially since you had to pick up the slack because your mother is no longer in the picture."

I was pissed at the audacity of this woman. Taking about Christen's mother like she was just separated from her father and not dead. I looked over at Christen to see if she was okay because usually, she is a mess as soon as someone mentions her mom. But she kept the same small that has been on her face all night, but I saw her hands under the table balled into tight fist clenching at her dress.

"Yes, ma'am it's been quite the tradition for me into the type of lifestyle." She agreed with her quietly.

"So what schools did you visit?" Mr. Livingston questioned.

"Oh, various different schools, Penn, North Carolina, and Stanford are some of my top choices so far."

"Ahhh some very good schools. What are you planning on studying?"

"Ummm Business of course." She responded much to my shock as that was never something we discussed. Every school we went to she was always interested in the art programs so that's what I thought she would do.

"Planning on taking over your father's business one day?"

"Of course not. She could never understand and handle that on her own. Maybe a

CEO one day but never the owner. She has had a hard enough time getting through high school courses." Cody, her father interjected.

Now I was clenching at my dress. How dare he talk about Christen like that. Her own father practically saying she isn't smart enough for it.

"Chad here has recently accepted a full-ride scholarship to Stanford. So maybe you two could keep in contact and he could help tutor you there."

"Yeah, it won't be a burden to keep an eye on you." He flirted with her, sending her a wink.

"Thank you," Christen told him with a forced smile. And I felt my blood boil at what was happening in front of me.

"Aww see they are already hitting it off as I told you they would, Cody." Mrs. Livingston told him.

"They do seem very compatible." He agreed with her.

"Why don't you two go and get us some drinks and you can talk alone for a minute." Mr. Livingston ordered sternly.

Chad and Christen immediately got up from their chairs and I tried to follow but was called to sit back down. "Not you Miss Heath, I haven't been able to talk to you yet." Mr. Livingston added.

I looked up at Christen, she was already walking away with him but paused before walking inside to make eye contact with me. I could tell from here that she was upset about what was happening but she looked back down at the table telling me to stay where I was so I stayed.

"What would you like to talk about sir?" I asked him politely.

"What are your plans for next year?"

"I actually was just offered a full-ride scholarship to Stanford as well during our recent trip there."

"Oh really? What subject will you be studying?"

"Well sir I actually talked to my advisor there already and we discussed a few options. So I haven't decided if I want to go into engineering, medicine, or law yet. Especially since I plan on playing soccer there."

"Oh, you're an athlete then?" Mrs.Livingston asked.

"Yes sir, I have played competitive soccer since I was eight and was on the youth national team for two years before injuries kept me away, but recently I have made it back to full health and plan on getting back into it."

"And what makes you think that you could handle some of the most grueling and respectable majors while being an athlete." He asked me with a condescending look on his face.

"Well, sir I actually have a photographic memory along with an IQ of 125. I have already completed more than half of the general education course offered at the local college next to my home town. So I think that I can handle pretty much anything I put my mind to." I told him hoping it would wipe the stupid smirk off of his face.

"Tobin.." Cody scolded me from across the table.

"Of it's quite all right Cody. I like a person with passion and this girl definitely has passion. In fact, it seems as though your daughter could stand to be more focused on her studies like Miss Heath here. Not that I blame you at all for that Cody, it must have been her mother to bring her up with such a carefree attitude that has got her in her academic struggles."

I stood up now, all I could see is red at the boldness of his disdain. How dare he talk about Christen like that. Like she has chosen to have dyslexia and struggle in school. Like she doesn't try as hard as she could, and to top it all of he made it sound like it was her mother's fault.

"Something the matter Miss Heath?" He asked me, looking up at me with fake innocence like he doesn't know what he just said.

Just as I am about to let him have it, the only thing that could calm me down on that second calls out to me. Christen.

"Tobin?" Her voice called from a few feet away. I closed my eyes for a second until I felt like I could breathe normally again. When I opened them Christen was standing right next to me with a scared expression on her face.

"Christen why don't you take Tobin back inside, I think she isn't feeling very well," Cody interjected.

Christen ripped her gaze from mine to nod at her father. She reached crossed the table to shake Mr. and Mrs. Livingston's hand. "It was a player to meet you all. We will have to do this again sometime."

I was going to walk away but Christen tapped me on my back and when I turned around I could tell she was pleading with me to be formal. "Please excuse me, Mr.Edwards was correct on saying I don't feel very well, there must be too much fresh air out here for me or something. Have a nice rest of your night." I spoke quickly before turning and heading into and right through the party.

I could feel Christen right behind me so I didn't stop until I got close to the main door. Where Christen finally tugged on my arm causing me to stop. "Chris, I...I can't handle being at this party a second longer. Not if you don't want me punching someone right in the face." I pleaded with her.

"I know babe. I am ready to go to, I just need you to wait here while I go get my stuff I brought earlier okay?" She assured me.

"Okay. I'm sorry babe." I apologized to her knowing what the evening was supposed to be and how close I was to ruin it.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." She assured me caressing my arm for a second before disappearing back into the crowd of people.

A second later I was being pulled into the bedroom adjacent to the door. "What the

hell?" I asked whirling around to see who pushed me in there.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Christen's dad was there yelling at me, trying to intimidate me as he did earlier with the waiter, but I was not some waiter I am not going to be pushed around.

"Who the fuck do I think I am? Who the fuck do you and those people think you are. You talk down to everyone and treat everyone like they are expendable objects and not human beings. And if that wasn't bad enough you have the balls to talk down about your daughter directly to her face and allow people to trash talk her mother. Her mother raised her all by herself because you were a selfish asshole and decided to make money instead.

You don't fucking deserve to have Christen in your life. But because you are the only blood-related family she has left she puts up with you. But you need to get your shit together because the girl that put up with all of these people and all of the crap you put her through tonight she deserves better. She deserves better than you. Do you even care about your daughter?" I ended my rant with that question.

"Of...of course I do." He stuttered out quietly.

"That's not good enough you should be more confident than that about that answer. Because if you really cared about her you wouldn't have treated her like that tonight and you wouldn't have allowed others to treat her that way either. I love your daughter so much she is the most amazing person I have ever met. I am so lucky to have her in my life at all, let alone for her to allow me to love her. I would do anything for her. Be anything for her but I can't be her father you could only be that. So if you care about her like you say you do. Like I do...get your shit together."

I turned back around and left the room quickly before I did something more stupid like hitting him. As soon as I walked through the doorway I was met with my favorite green eyes and surprisingly they were sad or angry like I thought they would be because let's face it I just yelled at my girlfriend's very powerful father. But instead, she was looking at me a small smile on her face, and her eyes were shining bright. She was looking at me like I am sure I look at her. With love.

"I...I" she stuttered out struggling to say the words once again, but it was okay because I knew that she felt them.

"Let's get out of here." I motioned to the elevator that was waiting for us. She nodded her head enthusiastically and as soon as we were in the elevator she pushed a button, which I noticed wasn't the ground floor.

"I got us a room here." She answered my silent question with words first and then she kissed me. She kissed me so much passion that I didn't even hear the elevator ding or open until a bellboy cleared his throat getting our attention. We both giggled as we separated and kept giggling as we stumbled past the bellboy without a second glance, to our room without taking our hands off each other once, all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment telling me what you think  
> What do you think about Chris' dad?
> 
> What about Tobin? How is she doing in the relationship?
> 
> Why can't Christen tell Tobin she loves her?
> 
> Give a kudos.


	31. Part Thirty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are just some of the conversations that Christen and Tobin have while in the hotel room the next day.

**Christen's POV**

It was a late morning for us. Both of us not wanting to take any time not being next to each other. Last night was so great. Well, not great at first and then one of the best of my life. To have someone like Tobin, someone who loves her so much sticks up for her as she did. She hasn’t had that since she lost her mom. She hasn’t felt this loved and taken care of since her mom. And now she has Tobin.

She has Tobin with her. In her bed, with her arm wrapped around her playing with her hair and scratching her scalp every so often. She has Tobin, who is laying so close to her she can see all the different colors on her eyes, the scars on her face can feel her breathe against her.

”Can we just stay here all day?" Tobin asked me looking out at the view from our bed.

I looked away from the city and her. She was looking out toward the city as well with a content smile on her face. So there was only one answer I could give. "Yes."

"Really?" She asked me turning towards me now shocked at my answer.

"My dad thinks we left this morning, so we don't have to worry about him and I got the room for one more night." She was giving me her megawatt smile and she pulled me closer to her on the couch we were laying on out on the balcony of our room. I snuggled into her as she put her arms around me. "We have to leave tomorrow morning though and then back to reality."

"Are you worried?" Her questioned caught me off guard, I have been happy since we left together and now... now all I can think about is everything. The girls...my dad...soccer.. school.. the future... and whether Tobin and I can handle it all.

"Kind of.... we have been in our own bubble for weeks now and I'm just worried about.... well everything. Are you not worried?" I asked her.

"No." She responded confidently.

"Why not?" I asked bewildered by her confidence.

"Because I love you and nothing else matters to me," she answered immediately.

"But what about…" I was going to bring up any of the worries that were going through my head, but she cut me off before.

"It doesn't matter."

"Tobs... I know you like to live in the moment and not really worry about stuff, but you can't just ignore everything, or pretend like we aren't going to face any problems." I told her trying to get her to understand.

She straightened up on the bed pulling me practically all the way on top of her so that my legs were resting between hers and my chin was resting just below her chest. "Chris...I'm, its... I'm not just being carefree or naive about us and what we are going to face... I’m just not worried about anything that comes to face us because I think we can beat anything, Chris. I love you and I know that's not going to change...We have already faced so much and we got through it and now....now that we are officially together I am not going to let anything separate us."

"You mean that?"

"I promise." She responded instantly, making sure to keep eye contact with me to show me she means it. And yet even though I believe her I still feel uneasy. But it didn't say anything because I didn't want to worry her. So instead I gave her a peck on the lips.

"Hey, Chris?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"There is one thing I am worried about?"

"What is it?" I timidly asked her scared of what Tobin could possibly be worried about.

"Do you think your mom would have liked me?" She asked quietly.

I sat up from where I was resting my head on her chest to look at her. She was looking down at me with worry written all over her face. But even before I could answer she started rambling which she only does when she is really nervous.

"Because I know I ruined any chance of your father and I get along. And maybe that doesn't mean too much to you because he hasn't really been a part of your life, but your mom was your best friend and I knew you guys talked about everything and I know her opinion meant a lot to you and probably still does.... and I know I don't have the best record with parents heck my parents don't even like me and...."

I had to stop her when she was spiraling talking bad about herself, so I quickly moved up her body so that I could kiss her. I tried putting everything into that kiss to show her how I feel about her. And after a second she responded back just as enthusiastically. And when we finally parted because of the lack of air and I found the words to reassure her too.

"Tobs, I know my mom would have loved you."

"How do you know Chris?”

“Well, first of all, my dad is an idiot. And you are amazing. You stood up to my dad for me. You make me feel not lonely. You’ve helped me with school and soccer. Making my future. This last week all of it is possible because you have helped me believe in myself again. You have done so much for me and even if that wasn’t all true. Just you as a person would convince her. Because you are actually weirdly similar to her."

"Really?"

"Tobin, do you know why I have to plan everything out?" She shook her head negatively. "It was because my mom never did. She always was a spur of the moment person, she never thought anything through and she was always laid back. She was even notorious like someone else for forgetting her shoes and yet whatever song was on the radio she could sing every word and sing then well. And god was she brilliant, she would read through huge books in the shortest amounts of time. She could memorize huge passages and just recite them out of the blue....." I paused smiling to myself at the memory of how amazing my mom was before continuing.

"Tobin, the reason I have always felt this connection to you, while I have always felt so safe and comfortable with you is that you remind me so much of my mom......And besides my mom was a true narcissist at heart, she would have loved that I am dating someone exactly like her." I chuckled out, and I heard Tobin giggle along with me. I was happy to see a smile on her face now.

"I wish I could have met her Chris."

"I wish you could have met her too."

"Do you miss your parents?" I asked her.

"Sometimes, but not as often anymore. I have come to realize that they never did love me for me... and so I have finally come to terms that I am better off without them. But I do miss the idea of parents though... I miss not having people who would always be there for me.... not having people who will always love me.... you know things parents are supposed to be.... the way your mom was with you."

"Tobs the one thing that I have learned since my mom died is family doesn't have to be people that are related to you...Family is people who are there for you and care for you no matter what... and they have made mistakes that for sure. They have hurt you but family also does everything they can to make it up to you. Do you know who my family is?"She shook her head at me confused.

"With the whole team... Allie, Kelly, Ash, Ali, Lys, and you. You guys are my family. And that's enough for me. And I hope we are enough for you."

"God I love you." She said smiling down at me.

"I...I..." I got choked up on my words once again. Frustrated at myself, for not being able to tell Tobin how much I care about her, I moved off of her and towards the end of the couch.

"Chris... it's okay. I told you to take your time."

"It's not okay Tobin. You deserve better than this and I am sorry it's taking me so long."

"Chris, it doesn't matter to me if you never say it out loud. I know that you care about me."

"I want you to know that I want to say it. It's just every time I go to, I choke and panic washes over me and then I can't get the words out." I told her truthfully. She didn't answer right away, she just moved so she was sitting up against the other end of the couch, but she pulled my hand in hers.

"Why do you think that happens?" She asked me looking down at our intertwined hands.

This was the time for me to finally tell Tobin about her. About the reason why I can't say I love you. Or I could put it off. I haven't told Tobin yet because I am afraid it will show her how fragile I truly am. “I know why I’m having trouble. I know why I can’t say it and I want to tell you why too, but I can’t. I just can’t explain it. Right now I’m happy. I’m happy with you and if I tell you I won’t be happy anymore. So can we just be happy today.”

She was looking up at me now after I spoke. I could see her searching my face, but luckily she didn't push me. "Okay, Chris."

"Thanks, Tobs."

.

.

.

"We're going to watch a movie and cuddle," I announced out loud to Tobin who was just coming out of the bathroom from her shower.

She looked over at me with a small smile on her face, "okay baby, you pick the movie and I will go get us food from the vending machine. "

"Make sure you get chocolate." I reminded her as she was heading out the door.

"Do I look like an idiot, of course, I am getting chocolate."

I found a random comedy movie to put on, knowing that genre is Tobin's favorite, climbed into the bed trying to rearrange the mess of the sheets and get myself comfortable. Just when I found a good position Tobin came backhands full of junk food. She dumped all the food on the end of the bed and crossed her arms across her chest, a pout present on her face.

"You got comfortable without me?" She continues to pout as she accused me.

I giggled at her childishness, moving up the bed and grabbing her hand and tugging her back up the bed with me. Even when she was under the blankets and I was cuddled into her side, she still had a pout on her face.

I leaned up and kissed her neck. No response." Tobin.." I leaned up further and kissed her cheek. "Babe.." Still no response. I let my lips linger right on the edge of hermouth. I felt her breath come out a little shaky, but still, a pout appeared on her face. "Fine, you can pout all by yourself then." I moved away from her going to grab so food, and just as I was going to reach a candy bar, arms were wrapped around my waist and I was being tugged back.

Suddenly I was on top of Tobin who immediately tried to lean in and kiss me, but I turned my head in the last second. She pulled away quickly, frustration on her face

and I couldn't help but let out a laugh.

"Oh you think it is funny, do you?" She asked me.

"Its hilarious Tobs."

"Oh, I will show you hilarious." She immediately started to tickle my sides and wouldn't start until I gave in.

"Tobin... stop." I managed to get out in between giggles.

"Nope you seem to want to laugh, so I am helping you laugh." She continued to tickle me.

"Please..." I pleaded with her.

"Only if I get a kiss." She demanded of me.

"Of course.." I agreed. It was getting hard to breath. She immediately stopped and before I could even let out a sigh of relief she was kissing me. And if I thought I was overwhelmed and breathless when she was tickling me, its nothing compared to how I feel when she is kissing me. She pulled away after a dizzying amount of time, giving one last quick peck on the lips before she rolled over and sat up a bit so I was lying halfway on top of her.

"Now we can watch the movie." She told me kissing the top of my head and pushing play. 

And all that I can think about was how perfect this girl is and how I hope it stays this way forever.

.

.

.

"Hey Tobs?" I whispered out to her, clutching the bedsheets closer to my body.

"Hmmmmm" she mumbled half-asleep laying next to me.

I took another minute to just stare at her face. Her eyes were still closed and her mouth was slightly open and her breath was hitting me in the face.

"Why did you chose me to settle down with?" I finally asked her the thought that has been on my mind for a while now. Since we started the movie and got comfortable in bed.

"What do you mean?" She asked opening her eyes slightly to meet mine. Her just peaceful face is now furrowed in confusion.

"I mean like you weren't exactly a monogamous person when we first met. Why did you choose me?" I clarified what I was talking about.

As soon as my words were out, I regretted them because her eyes immediately dropped from mine, her mouth was turned into a frown, and she pulled the blankets up to her chin. "Tobin?" I reached out and rubbed her eyebrow, which usually calms her down when she is upset.

She looked back up at me, grabbing my hand from her face and intertwined our fingers and that seemed to comfort her enough "Chris, that was never really me. I...I....when I got kicked out and the thing with Alex happened I was lost...I was alone.... and I didn't have anyone or anything....and I was roaming around until I stumbled upon this party..I recognized some of the soccer guys and so I went in....the pizza that I found on the counter between all the drinks was the first meal I had in days.....the people that I talked to were the first interaction with people I had since getting out of the hospital when I got my cast from when Allie beat me up.

And so when the party was coming to a close. People were leaving and I started to worry that I was going to be alone again....so I started to drink, like a lot. And when a girl who had been watching me all-party asked me if I wanted to go home with her. I said yes and when we got to her place and she started to kiss me I knew what she wanted from me and so I gave it to her because I realized that this could be a way for me to not be alone anymore."

Once she finally explained everything her eyes immediately met mine as a tear finally escaped. I quickly brushed it away leaving my hand against her cheek. "So you slept with all those people, because you were afraid you would be alone if you didn't?"

She opened her mouth like she was going to answer but instead a sigh came outand she just shook her head no. I tilted my head in confusion and I knew she knew I was confused because she let out another sigh before she explained. "I slept with the girls, so I could feel connected to someone, at first at least...Then I was doing it just because I needed somewhere to sleep....and that was going fine. I know it wasn't healthy and it wasn't the right thing to do, but I did it anyway because in the moment it was working for me. Until I ran out of money...I ran out of money to pay for food and water and so....when a guy who had been hitting on me for weeks told me he would pay me if I slept with him I said yes."

I felt the tears running down my face at the thought of Tobin having to sell her body because she was so desperate. I wanted to stop her, but I could tell she needs to get this out so I squeezed her hand signaling for her to continue.

"Once I slept with him, the word got out among the football and the guy's soccer team and I was constantly getting offers. I took most of them, especially over the summer. But I stopped for the most part about a month or so into school."

"What changed from summer to then?" I asked her quietly.

"You." She had a small smile on her face now. "You showed up and I immediately was drawn to you and when I realized how amazing you are, I knew I had to be better in order to have any shot with you. So I got several jobs, the one at that coffee place where I ran into you, at the dinner, at the dog shelter, and even mowing lawns for the school...Even before you told me I needed to get my shit together, I already was trying to. I had already stopped sleeping with people for money, I had stopped sleeping with all the random girls...Yes I still hung out with some of them and yes, we kissed and touched, but I stopped sleeping with every single one of them once were friends...Chris, you have made me a better person since the second you came into my life."

"I'm glad I helped you, but Tobs just so you know, I cared about you since the beginning too, I cared about you despite all the bad rumors, all the girls and guys, I have always cared about you and I always will."

.

.

.

"If you could have any superpower what would it be?" Tobin randomly asked me, when I was sketching the view in front of us.

"Where did that come from?" I asked her giggle at her randomness.

"I don't know how my brain works, but now I need to know what superpower you would have if you could pick one." She asked me again, with a smile on her face yet I know she was serious about finding out.

"Ummm I haven't really put that much thought into it. I guess like having super speed would be cool." I told her. But I could see she was unhappy with that answer because she smiled turned down and she faced back out to the view. "What was wrong with my answer?" I asked her demanding to know how I got it wrong.

She sighed out as she excepted me to know the answer. "Come on Chris, I know you have more imagination than that. You have me such a basic answer. I expect more from you."

"Oh come on, it's not like I had time to think about it, but it would be cool to have super speed. I could use it for soccer, no one would be able to catch me. It would be awesome." I explained.

She looked back over me and rolled her eyes slightly. "Okay, miss all knowing what would be a good superpower to have?" I asked her, wanting to know.

"I would have the power to fly."

"And you called me basic."

"No see, I would want the power to fly so that I can go any place in the world. I could go to Italy if I was really craving some pizza or I can fly to England and just hover over a stadium and watch an Arsenal game. I could fly up past the tallest building in the world and just watch all the people. I could fly to where ever you were if you needed me to. I could fly up to the stars and figure out a way to rearrange them to say I love you."

I pulled her closer to me giving her a passionate kiss. "I want a redo,"I whispered out against her lips. She pulled back smiling at me and giving me a nod to continue.

"I would pick to be able to control time. Because that way I could go back in time and I would go back and get my dad to stay with my mom instead of worrying about money. I would go back and make my mom go to doctors earlier. I would go back and stop Alex from lying...I would make sure neither of us had to go through what we did."

She gave me a quick kiss but pulled away quickly. "As sweet as that is I think I would rather you stick with super speed." She added.

"Why?" I asked confused.

"Because I wish we didn't have to go through what we did. We both have never deserved it, but now being here with you I wouldn't change a thing. If you go back and change even one thing about our past, I would be afraid that we would never meet and Chris I would go through everything I went through and more if it leads me to you." She explained.

I pulled her into my arms giving her a tight squeeze before pulling back and leaving a lingering kiss on her forehead."You're so perfect. How are you even this smooth did you plan that out or do you come up with it on the spot?"

"What can I say, Chris. You inspire me to be so romantic."

"You inspire me too," I whispered out when an idea of a new painting popped into my head.


	32. Part Thirty-Two

**Allie's PoV**

"HARRY!" I yelled out as I spotted my favorite dirty blond walking through the door. I got out of the booth and ran towards, jumping up onto her I felt her arms go around me and catch me, but after a second I felt us slowly falling. I fell on top of her so she let out a little "huff" before letting out a chuckle. I followed suit after I rolled off of her and stood up. I look down at Tobin who was still on the ground, but there was a big Tobin Heath smile on her face and giggles were still escaping her mouth. I reached down and offered a hand, which she immediately took.

"Miss me much Harry." She said as we walked toward the booth I was in earlier.

"More than you can imagine," I confirmed, thinking about how much I missed her more than this little vacation her and Christen went on, but for the months I haven't talked to her.

"Well, I missed you too." She agreed while sliding into the booth.

"No like I really missed you, Tobin." She looked up from the menu that was on the table, realizing that I am serious because I used her full name. Her face softened when her eyes met mine.

"I really missed you to Allie."

"Tobs I am so sorry..." I tried to apologize again for everything that I put her through, but she interrupted me.

"Al, you don't have to apologize again, you already told me you were sorry and I already forgave you. The past is the past Allie, everything is moving on. Its time for you to move on because I already have. And besides, we only have so much time left together, I just want to enjoy having you back in my life without the past constantly hovering over us."

She was right, our time in high school was coming to a close and we all were going to go our separate ways for college very soon. "Does this mean you aren't following me to UNC?"

She giggled at my response but shook her head no.

"What about your girlfriend? Did she make up her mind yet?" She had a stupid grin on her face and she blushed and looked down at the table at the mention of her girlfriend.

"She did. Well, we did...Well, I think we did." Her face went from happy to confused from the beginning of her sentence to the end.

"Why the confusion Harry?"

"Well... we had a great time together, we went to Penn first and it was the first time we got to spend some very quality alone time together since we met and would hang out after school. She is so amazing Allie..... like everything abouther is so perfect. Like I always knew she was insanely beautiful, but you should have seen her, she was so carefree, she always had a smile on her face and she had this shine in her eyes that just made me want to smile all the time too....and god you should see her when she talks about art or is painting and drawing I arranged with the art department to let us in a room and she just started painting and it was so beautiful the things she created so easily. And she tried teaching me and I just couldn't get it but she was so patient with me and god.... she is just perfect." She finished rambling with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face and that's saying something because we don't call her hobin teath for no reason.

"So it went well right?" I asked confused about why she was confused earlier.

"Well...Penn was great. For us at least. She didn't seem to like it there much."

"Yes take that Alyssa." I cheered knowing I have a 50-50 chance of Christen coming to school with me. "So where did you go next?"

"We went to UNC next. "

"And?"

"And.... not going to lie it was hard for me to be there. It reminded me of the tours I took the year before and at first I was okay, but then it was reminding me of all that I missed and how different my life is...but Christen loved it there and her happiness reminded me that yes my life was different now, but I wouldn't change it because of Christen. But it hit me just how quickly I could lose her... I started to worry that she was liking UNC too much."

As excited as I was at the possibility of Christen liking UNC so much and coming to school with me next year, I could see how scared Tobin was of that possibility, so instead, I asked about Stanford to bring her out of her thoughts. "How did the visit to Stanford go?"

Her eyes that were just glued to the table while she was lost in thought snapped up to meet mine and a smile overtook her face once again. "I got a full-ride scholarship."

"What?!??!?" I yelled out in excitement and confusion. I thought this trip was just for Christen. "How did that happen?"

"Well I convinced Christen to sneak into a class with me and I got into a heated argument with the professor and she asked me to stay after class and I thought I was in trouble, but she said that that was one of the most riveting discussions she has had with a student and when I told her I wasn't technically a student she immediately offered me a scholarship."

I practically jumped over the table, pulling her into a bone-crushing hug. "I'm so proud of you babe. " I whispered into her ear before letting go.

"Thanks, Harry." She mumbled with a blush on her face.

"You were always meant for greatness Tobin," I told her truthfully.

"Harry stop being so sappy. You are going to make me cry."

"I have gotten soft in my olden age haven't I?" I joked around with her and the goofy smile was back on her face.

"Oh come on Harry, you know we will never grow up."

"I don't know Tobs, it seems like we kind of is. We are going to graduate high school, we both have scholarships to colleges, you are in a committed relationship...maybe we are growing up a lot faster than we thought we ever would."

The serious look was now back on her face. And she was picking at her napkin ripping it into pieces. "What if I don't want to grow up? What if I want everything to stay exactly how it is right now?"

"We all have to move on at some point Tobs, time moves on whether we want it to or not so we might as well accept it and make the most of it."

"Everything is just perfect right Allie, I am probably the happiest I have ever been and I just am scared that it won't stay this way."

"What are you so scared about Tobs? You already are done with high school, not to toot my own horn but I am back in your life and here to stay forever despite the distance, you got a full-ride scholarship to a dream school, and your kick-ass girlfriend who you are insane about is going with you..."

"What if Christen doesn't choose Stanford?" She said interrupting me.

"Did she not like it there when you guys visited?" I asked confused.

"She did. At least I think she did...She said the practice went well and she thought the coach was good. She got along with the girls, she loved the art building they had there,....but I feel like she was more passionate and enthusiastic when she was talking about UNC."

"Well did she say she wanted to go to UNC?"

She hesitated before answering. "No...but she never actually said she wanted to go to Stanford either."

"Didn't you guys talk about it?"

"I mean kind of, but the next day we had the dinner with her dad...which was a shit show by the way, but I just realized that Christen never real said she wanted to go to Stanford, for that she was for sure going to go there. People, including myself just kind of assumed that is where she is going to pick, but what if she picks North Carolina?"

"Tobs, honestly as much as I would love to have Christen come to school with me. I can't imagine her not picking the school where her girlfriend is going to go that is also one of her top schools." I tried to reassure her.

"But what if she is only choosing the school because she thinks to has to because of me."

"Would that be such a bad thing?" I asked confused.

"Yeah because that means I am holding her back right? It means I am stopping her from living her life and being the happiest she can be." She confessed her thoughts while ripping up the paper napkin that was on the table. Actively avoiding eye contact.

"So what? What would you do if she is picking Stanford because of you? Tell her not to? Tell her to break up with you? You break up with her?"

She looked back up at me, making eye contact and it looked like she was searching for the right answer. "I don't know Al, I just don't want to be the only reason she is picking a school but I also don't want her to be anywhere else."

"Tobin you got to relax and trust that Christen loves you enough to make a decision that is not only good for her but good for your relationship."

"How can I if she hasn't even said I love you to me yet?"

"She hasn't said it yet?" I asked out in shock. She just shook her head no, while looking back down at the table again. "But you have said it?"

"Yeah, many times. And she has said that she cares about me and that I mean a lot to her and she has told me that she wants to say it but isn't ready yet. And I am trying to be patient...but it's hard and she isn't even telling me what I am doing wrong or what more I can do to get her to say it back and what if she isn't as serious about our relationship as I am..." she rambles on and on until I grabbed her hands and she stopped talking and looking up at me.

"Tobin, Christen loves you. I know it, all our friends know it, heck people that see you two together for a second know it. But for Chris saying the words is going to be hard for her. It has nothing to do with the way she feels about you or anything that you have or haven't done." I reassured her.

"Than why hasn't she said it back?"

"I'm guessing she hasn't told you about her ex-girlfriend has she?" I question her knowing the answer if she still doesn't understand why Christen would have such a hard time saying the words out loud.

"No. What happened with her ex?"

"Harry that's not really my story to tell you. If she hasn't told you yet she might have a reason. So you will have to ask her yourself." I told her not wanting to break the trust Christen had in me. What I didn't expect was for her to immediately stand up and start to walk away. "Harry!" I called out chuckling as I followed her. "Harry! I didn't mean go ask her now. We haven't even eaten anything yet. "

"See yeah Harry. Thanks for the advice. Love you!" She shouted as she put her skateboard down and skating away from me.

All I could do is shake my head at her tactics. What a crazy in love fool.

.

.

.

**Tobin's PoV**

"Chris?!?" I yelled out while walking through the garage door of her house. I realized then that I was a little angry right now. To think that the reason Christen hasn't confessed her love for me because of something in her past irks me to no end because we promised no more secrets and I have asked her on numerous occasions if there was a reason. So now I need to know what the hell happened between her and her ex that I didn't even know about.

Walking quickly through the empty kitchen through the equally empty living room, and past Christens room which was still empty which only left one room for her to be in. I picked up the pace down the hallway until I heard music coming from the door at the end of the hallway, which I threw open.

And at the first sight of my beautiful girlfriend, I felt the anger completely leave my body. When my eyes spotted my girlfriend sitting across the room there was a paintbrush between her teeth and another in her hand that was flying across the canvas in front of her. Even from across the I could see how much she was enjoying herself.

The door behind me closed on its own and the music that was blaring before stopped at the same time. Which alerted Chris to my presence. Her eyes immediately darted from the canvas in front of her to mine and she dropped both paintbrushes as a blinding smile was plastered on her face and she stood up from the seat she was sitting in.

"Babe," she said in a way that made it sound like I just made her whole day. And if some of my anger was still lingering, I couldn't find anymore. And even before I could get out a hello she ran across the room and jumped up, catching me off guard we tumbled backward.

Her landing safely on top of me, which meant my back hit the ground hard, but I could hardly be mad because as soon as we landed the softest lips we're landing kisses all over my face. And god I can't even describe the happiness I feel when she finally connected our lips and just like always she leaves me breathless. Soon enough we were both smiling too much to continue kissing, which has been happening a lot lately.

"Hi, love," I whispered out as soon as we parted lips and she pulled us off the ground.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were going to lunch with Allie?"

"I did. We talked. I missed you too much so I came back."

"I missed you too." She admitted, giving me another quick peck on the lips and then walking back towards canvas she was working on. She was putting brushes back as I started to walk over to her when she stopped me.

"Wait. Don't come closer than that." She put her hand up coming to my direction.

"Why I want to see your painting."

"It's not ready yet." She said grabbing my hand and trying to pull me away. Which is weird because she has never hidden her artwork from me before.

"Ohhh come on Chris let me just get a sneak peek," I begged her.

"Nope sorry it's a surprise."

"Awww come on babe I want to see what you are working on. You have been working since we got back yesterday. I want to see it." I tried begging once more with a pout in my face.

"What if I told you I have a better surprise for you already set up?" She said managing to pull my attention from the canvas back to her. A smile light up he faces once again as she realized she had me now.

All of a sudden she took off running and after a slight hesitation I followed after her. I passed hallway after hallway trying to catch up to my very fast forward girlfriend. She suddenly stopped running and was standing in front of the doors to one of my favorite rooms. Once I caught up to her she stepped behind me and covered my eyes.

"Babe..." I whined out because of my loss of vision.

"Just trust me." She whispered out.

"Always." I agreed.

"Keep your eyes closed." She told me before grabbing my hand. I did as she said and felt her tugging me long.

"Okay open." She whispered in my ear.

When I opened my eyes, I saw that the theatre seats that are usually there are all covered in all different sorts of flowers and in the open space between the chairs and the screen there was in a fort of sorts. She pulled me into the fort were sheets above me creating a cover. Underneath me, there were piles and piles of pillows and blankets. In front of me was the giant screen that is in the theatre room, on the screen was a live screen of the night sky. With shooting stars and everything.

"Wow" I whispered out in amazement. "Can you be more perfect Chris?" I asked her turning around to face her.

"I'm far from perfect babe." She argued, sinking down into the makeshift bed.

Pulling me down alongside her wrapping her body around mine. I pulled her as close as I can to my body. "You're perfect for me," I argued with her.

"I mean look at this. Look at what you did here. You're amazing you put all this together in the three hours I was gone and for what? Just because?"

"You are always doing romantic things for me and I thought it was time to do something for you. And l I wanted to thank you for making my trip awesome and I felt like we could spend quality time together before we get back to a complicated life. And I couldn't decide if I wanted to have a picnic outside or have a movie day inside so I combined them."

"I love you so much," I admitted. Kissing her softly before turning and looking at the view in front of me. Which was only half as beautiful as the girl that was tucked into my side.

.

.

.

.

I woke myself because my stomach was growling. I tried to forget about it closing my eyes once again and pulling Christen more on top of me, I tried to go back to sleep but my stomach growled again.

"Tobs..." Christen whispered out.

"Yeah, babe?"

She rolled off of me but was still facing me she slide up higher so she could place a kiss on my lips, which I sighed into. "There's your favorite pizza in the fridge."

"You're the best." I gave her a quick kiss before untangling myself from her and the blankets.

"Get me some." She shouted as she pulled the blankets up her body turning her face into the pillow.

"Okay be right back."

I jogged off to the kitchen pulling the pizza box out of the fridge. And putting half of it on a tray and into the toaster oven. I jumped up on the counter while I waited. I turned on some Sam Smith, singing along and scrolling through Instagram while I waited.

"So I pick up the pieces and get on the midnight train..." I sang out aloud until I was interrupted.

"Wow, you're talented." A voice said from behind me. I turned around and jumped off the counter in surprise.

"Ohh Ummm hi, I mean hello sir." I stuttered out.

"Oh come on Tobin, I think that after you stood up to me and yelled at me about the way I treat my daughter we are way passed you calling me sir."

"Look, Mr. Edwards, I apologize for the way I spoke to you, I never intended to disrespect you like that I just really care about your daughter and I couldn't stand by and watch someone treat her like that no matter who they are, but I do regret how I handled the situation. So if you can forgive me for that I would very much like it if we could start over." I expressed my feelings hoping somehow we can get along for Christen's sake.

Without saying a word he moved more into the kitchen coming to the table and taking a sit. He motioned for the other seat across from him and I walked over and sat down.

"Listen, Tobin... I can tell that my daughter means a lot to you and I can tell that you have potential. I have asked around my contacts here and you have a reputation. Some good... and some bad. I heard about your soccer accomplishments, I have heard about your schooling accomplishments, I just got to hear first hand your music abilities, and while all of this seems promising, I can't help but worry about everything else I have heard about you... I heard you don't live with your parents anymore, the last semester of high school you attended you struggled with attendance, you are notorious for having many romantic partners. And while my daughter seems to be able to overlook all of your... not so good qualities. I'm not sure you are good enough for my daughter."

"Sir I assure you that I have straightened my life. I am going to attend Stanford next year on a full-ride, which I am going to take completely seriously, I was practically promised a spot on the soccer team there and with your daughter sir.... your daughter is the most important thing in my life. Her happiness is my number one priority and I will never hurt her in any way."

"Now Tobin I believe everything you said about school and soccer, but I can't believe a word you are saying about your relationship with my daughter."

"And why not?!?" I asked my voice raising by how angry he was making me.

"Because you guys have barely started dating. And you are teenagers. You will make mistakes and you will hurt each other."

"That's gold coming from you, isn't it. You're such a hypocrite." I lost control of my temper at the frustration of his words.

"See the difference is everything I have done has been for my daughter. Me being gone has allowed her all of this..." he motioned to the giant house. "The soccer training she has had over the years that has been me...me being gone all the time has made her independent... I may not be the most conventional father but the woman she is right now is because of me."

"You're delusional!" I shouted out. "Everything Christen is, is despite you. Do you think she cares about the money?!? Christen needed family after her mom died and you abandoned her. You may be her father, but you aren't her dad and you have hurt her more than I ever have or ever will."

"You can say that now but I know better. See, you and I aren't so different. "

"I will never be like you." I spit out at the mere thought of the comaprsion he was making between us. 

"Tobin you and I are more like than you think. I graduated high school early, I had blinding ambition, I excelled in everything I did and I did it by putting myself first....now that may have made me a bad father and I was a bad boyfriend to Christen's mom, but the way things are going Tobin you are just as bad."

"You don't know me...I will always put Christen first she deserves that from me."

"Than why is she going to Stanford?" He fired back.

"What do you mean?" I asked missing how that was relevant.

"Oh come now Tobin, I don't know much about Christen but I do know that UNC is her dream school so why is she turning down a full ride to go to Stanford?"

"She likes Stanford," I argued quietly.

He stood up from the table walking towards the hallway. "Oh, Tobin. I guess we are slightly different. At least I am honest with myself and the kind of person I am." He said before walking towards his room.

And with that I was alone. Alone with the thoughts that were swarming around in my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give a kudos. Leave a comment telling me what you think. I love reading your comments and seeing all the positive and negative thoughts you guys have on this story. Let me know what you think will happen next. Until tomorrow!


	33. Part Thirty-Three

**Christen's PoV**

I roll over in the fort, suddenly aware that it was pretty chilly. I reached out for more blankets or more of what I really want...my girlfriend to cuddle up with. Except, I quickly realized she wasn't anywhere in here.

"Babe?" I called out hoping she was just outside the fort. But sadly no answer. And that's when I first realized how I actually felt.

I thought I was feeling tired yesterday just because the trip had finally caught up to me. Or I was just tired because of travel. But now I know my body was trying to warn me that it was going to be one of those days....when of those days where I knew it was going to be a struggle just to get out of bed or in this case a fort...it's one of those days where anything and everything can send me in a spiral. So maybe I should just stay in bed like I usually do when I feel like this, but this time I actually want someone with me. Tobin.

"Tobin?" I tried calling her for again but no answer, so I untangled myself from the blankets and stumbled my way out of the fort. Taking a second to stretch, realizing how tight I am I must have been asleep for a while, wait what time is it? A glance at the clock lets me know that it is around 5 in the morning. It's been hours... I must have fallen asleep for a while, but where's Tobin? What clues me to where she could be is when my stomach grumbled loudly.

Oh yeah, Tobin was heating up the pizza I got for us. I remembered to myself. I took off in the direction of the kitchen somehow excited despite my current mood, excited for pizza and excited to see my girlfriend. But when I slide into the room it's empty. "Tobin!" I called out as loudly as I can but got no response.

I don't get it she was just going to grab us food, but she didn't come back to the fort. With a quick look through the kitchen, I noticed the pizza in the toaster oven not touched at all and long forgotten. What could that have been about? Why didn't she eat? And why didn't she come back to the fort?

"Oh hi, sweetie." My dad greeted me walking into the kitchen. Just seeing him shot anxiety straight to my stomach and I felt myself slipping into the darkness that is always right under the surface a few minutes ago this put me over the edge because I have never left an interaction with my father feeling better.

"Dad?" I asked out confused as to why he was even here. "What are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you to daughter." He mumbled going straight to the fridge.

"When did you get here?" I asked him ignoring his tone. He grabbed some eggs and started cracking them before answering me.

"I got in last night." He told me, nonchalantly.

Did he see Tobin? Is that why she isn't here?

"Dad, did you see Tobin last night?" I voiced my thoughts.

"As a matter of fact, I did." He said casually.

"And?" I asked not understanding why he hasn't said more.

"And what?" He looked up at me for the first time since the conversation started.

"Did you talk to her? Is that why she isn't here this morning? Did you kick her out?" I continued frustrated with his short answers.

"Woah Chris calm down there...I just had a friendly conversation with her. I got to know her some more. We talked about future plans."

"You talked about her future with her?" I asked our bewildered.

"Yes, I wanted to know what her plan was, I needed to make sure she actually has a plan and is not just banking on taking advantage of you."

"You think she takes advantage of me?!?" I yelled out frustrated at his statement.

"Christen, she obviously lives here with you. That means she has everything this house has and she has done nothing to deserve that."

"Nothing to deserve that?...nothing to deserve what? Being taken care of, so she doesn't have to worry about basic necessities of life that she shouldn't have to worry. And you act like I don't get anything from her?"

"What do you possibly get from her? She has nothing."

"She gives me everything I need! She helps me with school, she helps me with soccer, she supports me, and she loves me."

"Don't you realize how desperate that sounds. You are settling for her because she is the first person to pay attention to you. And that's why I had to talk with Tobin because that's exactly why I am worried about your future."

"My future?"

"Yes, I don't know why it would be confusing for me, your father to talk about your future."

"That's not the part that confuses me, father. The part that confuses me is why after talking about her future and you know what my plan is you still needed to talk about it because as I have said before and will say again now for the last time my future is here and nothing you say or do will change that. " I stated confidently and turned and walked out of the kitchen towards my room.

As I got to my door my phone buzzed in my pocket. I quickly pulled it out hoping it was Tobin, who had recently gotten a phone on our trip, telling me where she is, but it instead it was Alyssa.

**Hey, Chris can you give me a ride to school today I don't have my car?**

Oh, right school...if there was any hope of me going that was before that conversation with my father. Now I just wanted to lay in bed. I guess I should probably go to that considering I haven't been since I was on the college trip with Tobin. Right, Tobin. So as I head off to my room before I sent a text back to Alyssa. To make sure Tobin was really gone.

Opening my bedroom door, I lost the final hope of my girlfriend being here when I saw both my bedroom and bathroom were empty. I sent a text to her, happy that she finally got a phone recently.

**Hey babe where did you go?**

**Tobs?**

I also answered Alyssa. **Have you heard from Tobin?**

Alyssa responded right away. **Wasn't she with you? And you totally ignored my question.**

**She was last night but this morning she was gone and she hasn't answered her phone. I think she got into an argument with my father.**

**I'm sure she is fine Chris. She's Tobin, whoever knows what that girl is thinking? So can you pick me up?** Thinking about what she said. She's right that Tobin is a free spirit, to say the least, but I worry about when she gets upset. She isn't known for making good decisions when she is upset.

**I don't know I am already kind of late and I'm not feeling the best.** I answered really not feeling up to getting out of bed, secretly hoping for Tobin to show back up.

**Please, Chris. I have a project due and it's been a rough morning for me too.** She responded immediately.

**I will be over soon.** I texted her back, knowing that if Alyssa needs me I will help her.

I went about getting ready for school and 40 minutes later I was heading out to the garage when I noticed Tobin's cellphone not in the dish by the door and I also noticed the longboard she kept in the entrance was gone.

With new worry about where my girlfriend went, I got in my car and headed to pick up Alyssa. Through the last hour, I have gone from disappointment in my girlfriend not being here when I woke up, to worry that she wasn't here, to now and I realized I am angry, I'm angry that she didn't leave a note, I'm angry that she isn’t answering her phone, what seemed like purposively, and angry because it seems on the first day we are back to real life, our relationship is falling apart.

Since my mind was consumed with the mystery of where the hell my girlfriend went and if she is okay, I arrived at Alyssa's house faster than ever. And when I pulled up I felt myself completely lose control of all my emotions so when I see Alyssa getting into her car like she didn't just tell me she didn't have I lost it.

I threw my car into park and marched up to her car window. "What the fuck Alyssa?"

"Excuse me?"

"I said what. The. Fuck. You told me you didn't have a car."

"I think you are confused..."

"Don't tell me what I am... I could have been in bed or be waiting for Tobin instead of coming early to pick you up and now I still don't know where my girlfriend is and I don't have time to get any answers before school starts." I yelled at her as she stared up at me with a confused expression. "Why are you confused?"

"Chris?!?" My name was shouted in confusion, but not from the girl in front of me, but the girl that was coming out of the house.

"Not now Alyssa," I told her and turned back to the girl in the car that I wasscolding. And then it hit me. Alyssa was coming to me now from the house. The girl in the car was not Alyssa, but she did look startlingly similar.

"Chris, what are you doing?" The real Alyssa said to me finally standing next to me pulling me away from the look alike.

"You...she...I thought..." I stumbled through trying to get my thought together of what the hell is happening.

Understanding came across her face. " Christen this is my twin sister Amanda." She motioned to the girl who was getting out of the car.

"It's nice to meet you, Christen, Alyssa has told me so much about you." She said reaching out and shaking my hand. "I'm sorry I'm in a hurry, but I hope maybe we can get together again. I would love to get to know my sister's friend."

"Umm yeah same, I mean I would like to get to know you too." I stumbled through trying to get over my shock at not knowing Alyssa had a sister let alone a twin.

Amanda smiled at me getting back into the car. "See ya later Lys, nice to meet you, Christen." She said finally pulling out of the driveway and going down the street.

Still shocked, I just stood in the driveway until Alyssa got my attention. "Chris, we should get going, even with your car I might be late." She said casually to me like she didn't just drop this bomb on me.

.

.

.

**Alyssa PoV**

I made my way down the driveway hoping inside next to Christen who had already gotten in the car. Without a word she started the car and took off in the direction of the school.

I couldn't help but take in her appearance. Her hair was haphazardly thrown up in a messy bun, she had on sweats that looked like she slept in them, in fact, there was some stain on the shirt. Her eyes weren't her usual vibrant green-grey, instead, they were a drab grey with dark circles underneath them.

"Chris are you okay?" I asked breaking the silence.

She waited a few minutes until we were pulled into the parking lot. Choosing to pick a spot in the back, not near our normal group. "Not really." She answered quietly.

"What's wrong?" I tried to get her to continue.

"So many things Alyssa." She told me weakly not meeting my eyes.

"Okay, sweetie let’s take it one thing at a time. Right now what's the thing you are worried about?"

She turned slightly away from me like she is afraid of how I am going to react.

"Why didn't you tell me you had a sister? I thought we were best friends Lys...I have trusted you with everything...I told you everything that has happened to me and you didn't even tell me you have a twin sister." She rambled out to me obviously upset.

"Chris....it's not..." I tried explaining why we haven't had this conversation.

"Do you not trust me?" She interrupted me.

"Of course I do..." I tried again to explain.

"Please just get out of my car." She whispered out.

"What?" I said bewildered.

"Please get out of my car...I don't...I don't want to argue right now." She pleaded with me, tears streaming down her face now.

"Chris I'm not leaving you while you are upset," I said, moving to wipe the tears from her face, but she moved away from me before I could.

"Please...I begging you to get out... I can't handle anymore today, my dad, Tobin, you...I just can't please just get out so I can just go home and lay in bed."

"Chris..." I pleaded with her, trying to fix it before it gets worse.

"Just get out Alyssa. You don't get to pretend to be my friend right now. You don't get to be here feeling sorry for me or whatever it is you are feeling that is making you look at me like that, I'm not in the mood to handle this shit." She told me, her mood quickly changing to anger.

It was quiet for a moment, giving me a chance to think of what was the best way to handle this situation. It was good to try and deal with an angry Christen. You could make everything worse, so maybe space is what she needs right now. So I picked up my stuff and reached out for the door, but stopped and looked back at her, pushing the conversation because something was definitely off with Christen and apparently I am stupid.

"Chris, have you been taking your medicine?" I asked her quietly almost afraid of her actually hearing me. And it was quiet for a few seconds so I thought for a second she didn't hear me, but she broke the silence quickly after.

"Get the fuck out." She said through her teeth, seething at me.

"Chris...." I tried one more time.

"Get out! Get out!" She said shoving me out of her car and taking off out of the parking lot.

Shit. I'm such an idiot.

Dejected I walk towards through the parking lot through the school, not wanting to be late for class. As I was walking through the parking lot I saw the team in our usual spots messing around with each other as usual. Not feeling like interacting with them, I put my hood up and tried to walk around them as fast as I can, and I thought I had made it through without being noticed until I felt a weight on my back.

"Hey, Lys." The weight greeted me from my back.

"Hi, Ali." I greeted her automatically putting my under her legs to hold her up.

"Where's Christen?"

"She dropped me off and went home."

"Why?"

"Because I am stupid."

"You're not stupid. You're the smartest person I know, well except for Tobin, but she doesn't count she is a freak of nature."

"Tobin's a fucking idiot too." I interrupted her realizing how pissed I am at her too and not only myself.

She slid off my back and came around so she was walking backward in front of me so she can look at my face. "I'm confused. What happened? What did Tobin do?"

"I don't know what she did exactly, but Chris was worried and she didn't look good and I made it worse and her emotions were all over the place and I pushed her until she snapped and I fucked up."

"Alyssa just take a second a calm down." She said grabbing my face and turning it so I look at her. "I'm sure everything is fine. You care about Christen and she knows that and I'm sure whatever you did isn't that bad. Christen can never stay mad at anyone for long."

"That's doesn't mean that it was okay for me to treat her like this. I am so disappointed in myself and I am so worried about her Ali she did not look good."

She pulled me into a hug, rubbing circles on my back trying to get me to calm down and once my breathing returned back to normal she pulled away from me a concerned look on her face. "Everything is going to be okay." She said firmly.

"You're going to go to all of your classes, and pay attention and do your presentation like you have been practicing. I'm going to text and call Christen to check up on her and to see if she is alright and if she hasn't answered by lunch then we will go and see her okay?"

"Okay." I agreed to let her take charge and just then the bell rang for my first class.

"It'll be okay." She said patting my face, causally already distracted I hope by texting Christen.

I managed to get through math barely, history kind of and even my presentation in English well mostly with a few stutters here and there but overall decently all the while still mad at myself and still worried about Christen. In the second period, Ali updated me that Christen hadn't returned any of her calls or texts and she even has talked to the rest of the team and no one has heard from both her or Tobin.

And with that news, I determinedly cut through the back hallway aiming to cut across the soccer field and meet Ali and Ashlyn who were planning on driving me to Christens. As I made it to the soccer field I noticed a familiar dirty blonde kicking a ball around.

"Tobin!" I shouted from across the field. She paused her movements the ball dropping to the ground in front of her.

"Alyssa?" She questioned out seeing me coming at her from across the field.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked angrily getting right up in my face.

She automatically took a step back, frightened by how angry I am. "Am I supposed to be somewhere else?"She asked me confused.

"Why aren't you with Christen?" I demanded.

"Is Christen not here? I was waiting for lunch to talk to her, but I forgot to charge my phone last night so I couldn’t text her. So I was going to wait here." She explained.

"She's not here..... after dropping me off she went back home," I responded quickly, obviously impatient with her confusion, but I see she is still confused.

"Why did she go back home? She was looking forward to coming back and being with the team again." She continued to ask to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Well I needed a ride and so I asked her for one and she showed up earlier than I thought, and she was already upset with her father I think and she was worried about where you were and then she saw my sister and I maybe sort of haven't told her about her and my family issues so she got upset with me, that she had a right to, but she did not look good and she seemed like her emotions were all over the place, and so I was worried about her and I asked her if she took her medicine...?" I rambled on quickly.

"Wait what are you talking about?" She interrupted me.

"Oh, apparently something happened with her dad... I guess I'm not really sure about the details..." I continued.

"No, like I know her dad is in town I saw him last night." She interrupted me again, this time she was getting frustrated but I wasn't sure why.

"Then what are you confused about you?" I voiced my confusion.

"What do you mean medicine? Christen doesn't take medicine and if she did what does that have to do with her emotions?"

This stumped me, of course, Christen has shared her problems with me and a few of the other girls so I had just assumed from this point that she would have told her girlfriend as well, but it's obvious now with the confusion evident in her face she doesn't know.

"She never told you," I whispered out, coming to the realization of the answer to many of the questions I have. I sat on the ground and pat the ground in front of me asking her to sit down, knowing this was going to need some explaining.

"Told me what? Christen has shared everything with me." She told me refusing to believe what I know.

"Tobin, just sit down okay." I pleaded with her.

She sat down with a sigh, looking at me waiting for me to explain. Right before I was going to start to explain I felt my phone buzz. I pulled it out and look at who was calling.

**"Hey, Ali."**

**"Ash and I are in the parking lot where are you?"**

**"I... I umm I found Tobin. We are on the soccer field."**

**"Is everything okay? Does she want to come with us to check on Chris?"**

**"I think you and Ash should go to check on Christen. Tobin and Ihave some**

**talking to do."**

**"Okay, I'll text you when I see her."**

**"Thanks, Al."**

I hung up the phone, putting it back in my pocket.

"Why are Ali and Ash going to check on Christen is she okay? Should we go now?" Tobin said worriedly, trying to get up from her spot next to me.

"I'm not sure how's she doing, but Ali and Ash are going to take care of her right now because we need to talk and besides I know she doesn't want to see me right now and I don't know if seeing you will make her better or worse," I explained.

"Okay than talk, so we can go see her." She gave in settling into the spot next to me.

"You know Christen has been through a lot?" She had barely shaken her head in agreement when I continued. "She...umm everything that Christen has lived through of course has made her stronger, she has an incredible work ethic, she's independent, responsible, social...." I told me admiringly.

"She's amazing." She agreed quickly.

"She is Tobin, I wholeheartedly agree with you, but she isn't perfect...When her mom died it hit her really hard and all the stuff after that happened, her ex, her dad, moving around so much, not playing soccer...she umm she went into a deep depression."

"What?" She responded in shock at the information I was giving her.

"Yeah she said at the lowest point she spent days in bed without getting out of it...And as much as I am angry with her father with all he has put her through, he did get her the help she needed. He got her a therapist and got her anti-depressants and he was there for her and I don't know if she would have been here with us." I admitted to her. I could see her analyzing everything I told her, I couldn't really see what she was thinking but I know she is upset because a few tears have leaked out and down her face.

"But...like she's better now, right?" She asked me quietly like she is afraid of my answer and before I could answer she continued. "I know she is sad sometimes but I think she is happy here with the team and with me?" Insecurity laced in her voice.

I took a moment to make sure I got my wording right. " I think so Tobin, I know it's been a long journey from when she first came to town to where you guys are now, but I think she is really happy. I know she really cares about you and you do make her happy Tobin, I'm not worried about that. But.....but that depression is still inside her it will always be waiting for the smallest thing to trigger it and take over her completely and I am worried that you could be the one to push her too far." I explained my worries to her.

I could tell immediately on her face how much my words had hurt her, but I could also tell how seriously she took them.

"I love her."She stated quietly. I think hoping that that would change how I felt about them.

"I know you do Tobin. I think you have loved her for a while, but you have hurt her so much already and I know you didn't mean to, but you have." I told her truthfully.

"You have hurt her too." She said defensive now.

"You're right I have hurt her. But today has been the first time I have hurt her and I regret it more than anything, but you want to know something else? Me hurting her isn't the same as you." I admitted to her.

"That's fucking ridiculous." She said angrily now. Standing up and trying to walk away, but I quickly stood up and grabbed her arm keeping her from walking away.

"Listen, Tobin, I don't mean it like I am accusing you of being worst than me. I just....you have more power to hurt Christen because she cares more about you than she cares about me. Christen and I, we're best friends, I care about her and she cares about me but you... you're her girlfriend, the person she is in love with and everything you do good or bad has more of an effect on Christen than I can ever compete with." I told her honestly.

"You don't want her to be with me?" She questions me quietly.

"It's not that I don't want you to be together it's just I don't know if you both are ready for each other. You have barely gotten through your issues with Alex, Christen just went through her own thing with Alex, and I don't think she is completely over her ex. " I explained.

"She hasn't told me about her ex." She confessed, sitting back down. "Will you tell me what happened to them?" She pleaded with me.

"I don't know Tobin. Christen hasn't told you for a reason."

"Please Alyssa, I am going to try my hardest to not hurt her anymore, and in order to do that, I need to know the things that can hurt her. I need to know what happenedbetween them."

She's right. If she was going to keep dating Christen, then she needs to know what happened to her so she doesn't do the same thing. "Okay, I will tell you." I agreed.


	34. Part Thirty-Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some back story for Christen as well as Alyssa.

**Alyssa's PoV**

"So what happened with her ex?" Tobin questioned.

I took a pause not really sure what the best way to explain all that happened. "Umm well, it is actually similar to you and Alex." I realized to myself, but different of course. "Not why they ended of course, but the way they started." I corrected myself quickly before getting into the story.

"Her name is Olivia and they met when they were little, on the soccer field. They quickly became best friends. They went to the same school, played on the same competitive soccer team, their moms were good friends....they were as close as you can be with a person. But then it started to get complicated... They kissed for the first time at a sleepover, they were playing truth or dare and she dared Christen to kiss her....and yet despite Olivia initiating she refused to acknowledge what happened between them, she refused to believe that she cared about Christen more than just a friend and it was just something that happened because they were the best of friends... Christen, on the other hand, accepted her feelings for her best friend and she fell hard for her......Olivia strung her on for years....taking her on dates, doing the girlfriend stuff like holding her hand when no one was around, kissing her,.....they were .....um they were even each other's first, after a party to celebrate Christen's first youth national team cup win.....Christen thought that this was the changing point for them, she thought Olivia can't ignore the romantic feelings because friends even best friends don't sleep together... Christen believed that they were finally together, but Olivia seemed to react differently and have her own ideas...... The next day at school she introduced Christen to her boyfriend, whom she had been with for weeks......At this point Christen was crushed, not only were they not together, but she slept with a girl who was taken. She was completely and utterly heartbroken."

"That fucking Bitch.... why would she do something like that to Christen?" Tobin shouted obviously outraged.

"As bad at all that is, the years of torture of dragging Christen along, of making her believe she was loved and then not over and over again, their story doesn't end there."

"What more could she possibly do to her?"

"It took Christen weeks to get over what Olivia did to her. For the first time in practically their whole lives, they had no contact for weeks. Christen was trying to get over her feelings for Olivia hoping that if she can accept that they would never be together then she can have her best friend still."

"She forgave her for all the shit she put her through?!?!"

"Did you not forgive Alex?" I rebutted.

"That's different." She argued back.

"Why?"

"Alex and I loved each other and we never meant to hurt each other the way we did. We both just wanted what's best for each other even if that wasn't each other anymore. "

"Okay and now think of the person Christen is, is she not the most caring, compassionate forgiving person you have ever met? How many chances has she given you after only knowing you for not even a year? This was her best friend Tobin, she grew up with the girl, she has spent more time loving her than not loving her. And in Christen's head, she was the one who was throwing that away not Olivia. So Christen forgave her. She pushed her own feelings down and focussed on being Olivia's friend no matter how much that would hurt her. And eventually, Christen got over her... they seemed to be okay, Olivia stopped confusing Christen and they went back to having a normal friendship..... Olivia was there when Christen found out about her mom being sick. They were there for each other, they leaned on each other, Olivia was there for Christen in the hardest time of her life and for that, I will always be thankful for."

"So what did she do that was worse than the way she treated her before?" She asked confused.

"A few weeks after the funeral, Christen's dad thought it was best for her to start traveling with him. Christen, of course, didn't want to go, she grew up there, her friends were there, Olivia and her family were there they only family Christen had really grown up with were there. And yet there was also the memories of her mom and all her moments with her and at this point, Christen was in a place where she didn't want to be reminded every minute of every day that her mom was gone, so she agreed to go with her dad, with the hopes that she could come to peace with her mom's death and return when she was ready..... The day before she was going to leave she spent the night at Olivia's, one last sleepover to honor all the ones they had growing up.......Olivia confessed to Christen that she broke up with her boyfriend and that Christen was right and has always been right, that she was in love with her...... Christen was at first overcome with happiness her first love, the only person she has ever loved loves her back. She was on cloud 9, well that was until Olivia asked her to stay."

"Why would that hurt her? That's what Christen wanted right? To be with Olivia?"

"Because that's all Christen wanted to hear for years. Years of her telling her they were just friends, years of not loving Christen like Christen deserved, years of putting herself over Christen and than Olivia tells she loves her the day before she was leaving Tobs......She made Christen choose between herself and a person she loves. Can't you understand how difficult that was for Christen? Christen was barely surviving there, she knew she wouldn't be happy if she didn't leave, but now Olivia was also making her break her heart too. And I think you know hard it is to break the heart of someone you love.....Christen tried to explain it to her. She tried telling that she loves her but can't be with her right now but that she would come back when she is better for her."

"So Christen is just waiting to go back with her?" She asked obviously upset at the thought of her girlfriend still loving another girl.

"No Tobs, see Christen did go back. A few months after she left she came back for a visit and when she saw Olivia, Olivia was back with her boyfriend and when Chris confronted her Olivia confessed to not really being in love with her, but was trying to give her one happy memory before she left because she didn't think Chris would really come back."

"That girl fucking recked her." She realized.

"Christen for years wasn't able to admit her feelings and when she did all she did was end up hurt, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, Tobin, she's just scared."

"I get it now Lys. Thank you for telling me."

"I'm telling you all of this because I'm worried, Tobin."

"I'm not going to hurt her Alyssa." She said to me confidently.

"I don't think you would hurt her intentionally Tobs. That's where you are different than Olivia, but Tobin have you ever thought about how your past and hers are similar?"

"Well I mean yeah I think that's why we were always drawn to each other. We both had loves early that didn't work out for each of us. We both have faced issues and loss of our parents. But that just means we understand better than anyone could right?"

"That's what I thought first, but Tobs tell me what is your biggest fear?"

"I ummm .....I guess it would be for the people I love will leave me and I will be all alone." She admitted quietly.

"Now tell me what do you think Christen's is? Thinking about her past few years, think about Olivia." I hinted for her.

"I don't know."

"Her biggest fear is for her to leave the people she cares about," I told her.

"Again I don't see how that means we aren't compatible." She argued.

"Because what if you are afraid of letting the people your love go even if it's what's best for them because you are scared of being alone. And what if Christen is scared of choosing what's best for her because she doesn't want to leave the people she loves."

"You think I will hold Christen down." She assumed.

"I think you both could hold each other down," I argued.

"So you want me to break up with her?" She concluded

"I just want you two to figure out what is best for you both individually and to figure out where that leaves you guys as a couple. I couldn't be happier if she had a secret dream to go to Stanford the whole time and you two are able to stay together forever but I just... I don't know how realistic that is Tobin."

"I don't know what the right to do is Lys." She said quietly.

"I don't know what the best thing to do is either, but I know you definitely need to talk to Christen."

"You're right. Let's go." She immediately got up, picked up her longboard, and starting to walk towards the parking lot.

"Tobs, wait." I caught up with her grabbing her arm stopping. "Ummm do you think I can talk to Christen first. I need to explain what happened earlier."

"Ummm yeah I guess, I wanted to pick up some things anyway before. Will you text me when you get there and how she is?"

"Of course Tobs. Thank you."

.

.

.

"Ali, Ash? You guys here still?" I called out walking into the kitchen in Christen's house.

"Yeah, we're here. But we were actually going to get going now." Ali responded walking in from the hallway with Ashlyn right behind her.

"How's she doing?"

"Better than when we first got here." We got her into the shower and to drink some water but we couldn't get her to eat anything."

"Okay, I will work on it. You guys should head back to school."

"Yeah I should get Ali back, she's got a paper due," Ashlyn said grabbing Ali's hand and pulling her towards the garage.

After watching them walk out the door together I turned and walked down the hallway until I got to the only door in the hallway that's decorated. I took a deep breath before knocking on the door. And when there was no answer I turned the handle and went in any way.

The room was dark and things were flung around the room, unlike her usual tidiness. And laying on her bed just laying on her back staring at the ceiling. Her hair was frizzy and everywhere obviously unkept from the shower she took, even from across the room I could see the circles under her eyes, the puffiness of them and how red they are.

Seeing her like this, so fragile reminded me of what I have forgotten. Christen usually a confident independent woman who is always put together. But now I am reminded who she really is, a teenager who has had to grow up too fast, and has lost so much. And now I see for the first time just how damaged she is.

"Chris...." I called out. When there was no response I went straight to her bed and sat on the edge of it. "Christen...."

"I'm mad at you." She whispered out before rolling away from me.

"I know you are and you have the right to be.....I fucked up Chris and I'm sooo sorry."

"You lied to me." She said simply.

"I did," I admitted.

"Why?"

"I think...I think I didn't tell you because my family drama is nothing compared to yours and so complains about it to you, making you worry about the things I face didn't seem right to me because you have enough to deal with in your own."

She finally rolled over and faced me. And the look on her face hit me straight in the chest. She was so sad and the next thing she said made me feel even worse.

"You pity me."

"Oh no Chris that's not it. I swear." I pleaded with her to believe me knowing how much she hates it when people pity her. I reached out to push the hair out of her face, but she moved slightly away from me. "I just I wanted to be the best friend that you deserved and I guess I never shared my problems with you not because I felt bad for you or felt like you couldn't handle it but because I felt like maybe the only way you would want to be my friend is if I was always strong for you."

"That's not what friends are Lys. Relationships aren't just one person relying on the other."

I sighed out, choosing to face away for her because I knew I had to be candid with her right now and I didn't think I could look at her and get it all out. "I know that Chris, it's just that I wanted you to rely on me because well because I never really had a best friend. I always have just been apart of the group and I have never just been closer to one person than the other. I have never had one person chose me or what me over anyone and I just I wanted you to choose me and I didn't think you would if you knew I came with baggage." I explained honestly. It was quiet for a while and I didn't know what to expect. I knew I sounded desperate and I was worried that she wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. But before I could get too deep into my thought I felt a hand on my back.

"Lys....look at me," Christen told me from behind. I flipped around and laid down next to her and she reached out and wiped my check where tears I didn't feel had fallen. "You are my best friend. You're the person I turn to when I need help, you're the person who I rely on to guide me the most. I love you so much. You have no idea what your friendship means to me." She told me.

"I love you too Chris." I agreed while pulling her into my chest for a long-overdue hug.

"Will you tell me about your sister? Tell me everything." She asked me while she was still tucked into my chest.

"Are you sure you feel okay enough?"

"Yeah, I'm better now, besides even at my worst I would still be here for you andlisten to when you need me to."

"Okay but it's kinda a long story...."

"I could use a long story."

"So my mom got pregnant right out of high school and it was a drunken night and she told us, my twin sister and I that she couldn't really remember who she hooked up with, so that left us without a dad. My mom still ambitious as ever decided to attend junior college while still living with Grandma and Gramps and being a single mother. And you've met her she doesn't let anything stop her. She went to school to become a nurse and when bills starting piling up she somehow managed to become a registered nurse. This meant though she wasn't home as much as my sister and I wanted. But we had grandma and gramps and we had each other so we were happy. My sister and I were as close as they come we did everything together...she was my best friend...."

"So what happened?"

"3 years ago Gramps got sick. And when he didn't make it we were all kind of thrown for a loop. He was always the rock that held us all together and it hit us all differently. Grandma started to bake more cook more knit more, anything that kept her busy kept her from breaking down. My sister she kind of shut down. She was always the more social one out of the two of us, always running around talking to new people, ready to have a good time, actually, she is very similar to Ashlyn." I paused thinking of one of my good friends and siblings similarities.

"And you? How did you deal with it?" Christen interrupted my thoughts.

"I...I was strong. I tried to fill the gaps in everyone's lives where Gramps used to be. I stepped up and got a part-time job to help Grandma pay the bills, I took my sister out shopping when she was feeling down. I was the person who my mom turned to when she needs to vent. I had to be the rock now and so I never really stopped and let myself miss him. Well not yet anyway."

"You had to keep everyone together. But what about your mom?"

"My mom cut back on her hours choosing instead to spend more time with us and with the loss of her dad she came clean about our dad."

"She knew who your father was?"

"Yeah apparently the used to date in high school and they did hook up at a party, but she never told him that she was pregnant because she was scared he would reject her and us. So she kept us a secret from him and him a secret from us."

"And then she just told you."

"Well not exactly....she tracked him down and came clean about everything about what happened that night and about us and apparently he didn't take it that well that she had hidden this from him for years because the next day we got papers in the mail that he was during my mom for custody."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah and so we went to court. My mom was scared because the facts were stacked against us. She had lied to him, was busy with work and held terrible hours, and she didn't have much money where he had apparently done pretty well for himself."

"So what happened?"

"Well the judge felt like my sister and I was old enough to choose who we would want to live with and at that point, I thought it was obvious. I mean I know he didn't know about us but mom has taken care of us from the beginning she worked hard so we could have all the things we needed and besides that, I knew she was still grieving for her father and that she would need my sister and I. And I said as much in court also mentions that this means I would still like the possibility for getting to know my father."

"And your sister?"

"My sister, my best friend, whom I thought was on the same page with me because never have we ever had disagreed on anything this big before in our entire lives said she would like to live with our father."

"She betrayed your family."

"That's what I thought too. So, of course, I was angry with her. I couldn't believe she would choose a stranger over us, over me. And so we didn't talk for 2 years."

"You didn't talk to your sister for 2 years?"

"Nope...mom and Grandma kept in touch with her. Understanding her decision to get to know our father but I couldn't get over her choice to leave me."

"But you guys are talking now? I mean she was at your house this morning borrowing your car."

"Last year my dad and my sister moved to the city minutes from here with the hopes of reconciling our family. And it didn't happen until one day I came home from school and she was sitting in what used to be our room. Before I could kick her out she explained to me her decision....she wanted a fresh start. She wanted to get to know our father and to live a new place where she wasn't known as one of the twins and didn't have any bad memories of Gramps. And when she explained all of this how could I not forgive her. She was just trying to do what was best for her. And from then we figured it out and now we have family dinners every Thursday together."

"So everything is fine between you all now? But didn't you say something happened earlier today?"

"Well last night my sister came over and she told me she got accepted to UCLA and was thinking of going there instead of PENN together like we had been planning for the last year together. So we argued pretty much the whole night until I realized maybe I was overreacting because of what happened before so I told her to do what makes her happy. And then we hugged it out and she had to take my car because she had school and wouldn't have made it on time without it and then you showed up."

"And you aren't mad at her for wanting to leave you?"

"See that's the thing, Chris... I finally realized that in both her decisions to live with my dad and to go to UCLA wasn't about her deciding to leave me. No one ever wants to leave the people they love it's about making decisions that are best for both parties.....when we were younger we were too codependent our each other. I didn't have any other friends until after she left. Heck, I didn't even start soccer until after she left and look how that worked out for me know. And this decision about our futures has to be what's right for both of us because even though I will miss her like crazy and she will miss me we will both be living the lives we want for ourselves and that's better than hating what our lives are but having each other close."

"I get that. I get having to chose the hard choice if you believe it's the best thing or the thing you need. Sometimes people need to be selfish in order to survive or just be happy." She admitted.

"Maybe it's not being selfish Chris. I like to believe it's being brave...It's hard to make decisions like that and it takes a special person to be able to not just see what's in front of them good or bad and make a decision that they know will not only affect them."

"You think it was brave when I chose to leave Olivia?"

"I do Chris. You were....struggling and I believe that the only reason you moved on and are able to be as successful as you are now because you didn't stay with her."

"I still miss her sometimes," she admitted quietly almost ashamed.

"Chris, she was such a big part of your life and you loved her so much it would be weird if you didn't miss her."

"You think so?"

"I know so sweetie."

"Thanks, Lys."

"No thank you, Chris, for listening to me and for choosing me to be your best friend."

"I wouldn't want anyone else." She admitted with a smile.

"Chris... I need to tell you something?"

"What is it Lys?"

" I told Tobin?"

"Told Tobin what?" She questioned her eyebrows furrowed together.

"Everything.... you and Olivia, your depression. I was worried about her hurting you and I thought that maybe if she knows everything you have been through and are dealing with she will be less likely to hurt you.

I seemed like forever, but was probably on minutes before she responded. "Okay"

"Okay?"

"Yeah okay. I mean I guess I would have liked to be the one she heard it from, but she deserves to know."

"Thank you for not getting mad at me Chris."

"You're a good friend Lys. I won't get mad at you for looking out for me." She told me giving me a shy smile, which got interrupted by a yawn. "Can I sleep now?" she asked.

"I just need to know one more thing before you sleep....Have you been taking your antidepressants?"

"I haven't been for the last week," she admitted.

"Why?"

"Because I was with Tobin and I was happy and I just wanted to enjoy being happy for real while I could." She told me honestly.

"Do you want to take them now? I know you said you are feeling a little better, but honestly Chris I can still see you look like shit."

"I uhhh I don't think I have any more in here, but I think I have some in my car."

"I go get them for you and then you can nap while I make you some food."

"Can you make me so mac n cheese?" she pleaded with my her lip pouting out.

"Of course I can." I agreed to get out of the bed and heading towards the door. I jogged down the hallway, past the kitchen and almost out the garage door, but I ran into someone.

"Ouch, Lys.. watch out," Tobin said after she had fallen off her longboard which she was riding and somehow managed to not drop anything even though her hands were full.

"Whatcha got there Tobs."

"Oh well, I bought some flowers," she pulled them from the side and they were some beautiful hydrangeas, "I know Christen likes beautiful flowers, and I know I fucked up yesterday and need to apologize. I also brought her some food.." she motioned to the brown bag she was holding. "I was thinking of making some homemade mac n cheese because I know it's her favorite." She explained moving to dump all the stuff on the counter.

"Oh Tobin that's really sweet... she had just asked me to make her mac n cheese."

"So she is hungry? Good, I will just go check on her really fast and then I will start cooking." She turned towards the hall but I grabbed her before.

"Tobs I think you should wait... she pretty tired right now... and she is still mad at you and she still doesn't feel good, so maybe you should wait."

"I can't even say hi?" She asked me with her sad eyes.

"Well, I guess you can go in and give her medicine." I relented.

"Great, where is it?"

"She said it's in her car..." as soon as I finished she was out the garage door. She came back moments later, grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and headed down the hallway. I followed her, just in case. The door was open, so she knocked on the door frame instead. Christen's back was turned towards us, to begin with, but the knock had her rolling towards us.

"Hey, pretty girl." Tobin greeted her casually from the hallway still.

Christen's eyes got big in shock, I am guessing over it being Tobin here and not just me. "Get out." She said sternly but quietly.

"What?" Tobin asked confused.

"Please leave." She begged again, this timing turning away from us and throwing the blankets over her so we couldn't see her anymore.

"Chris..?" Tobin pleaded back trying to step into the room closer to Christen, but I grabbed her instead and moved her the other direction, closing the door behind us.

"Alyssa what the hell?" she yelled at me trying to get back into the room.

"No Tobs." I shoved her lightly away.

"I need to talk to her. I need to know why doesn't she want to see me?"

"Tobin you can't right now, you will just upset her more. You need to give her time and space." I explained.

"Fine. here." She gave me the bottle of water and pills and headed back down the hallway.

I waited until she rounded the corner to open the door. "It's just me Chris," I called out while making my way towards her.

"Why would you let her in here?"

"I thought you would want to see her. She is your girlfriend after all." I told her handing her pills and water.

"Exactly."

"What am I missing here Chris?" I questioned her.

"I can't let her see me like this."

"And why not?"

"Because she has never seen me like this. She has never seen me damaged and I don't want to scare her away." She told me truthfully.

"Christen Press didn't you just minutes ago tell me that's not how relationships are supposed to be."

"Yeah but..."

"No Chris, Tobin loves you. She wants to take care of you. And I think that you should let her." I told her truthfully, kissing her on the forehead and moving out of the room letting her get some rest and to give her a chance to think about what I said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always leave a comment. Give a kudos. Until tomorrow!


	35. Part Thirty-Five

**Alyssa's PoV**

Closing Christen's door behind I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I have finally told her my whole truth, my family stuff and I admitted that I told Tobin about her past, and she isn't mad at me. Plus I have a feeling once her medicine kicks back in and she sleeps for a while she will be back to her normal happy self. So as I walked down the hallway I couldn't help but feel somewhat good about how I handled today, but I still felt like I am forgetting something. When

I walked into the kitchen and I saw Tobin, I thought maybe she was the reason I was feeling a little off.

She was at the kitchen counter, with ingredients all over the place, multiple pots and pans on the stove going. She was stirring some sort of concoction in the pot so aggressively that it was going everywhere.

"Tobin, you stayed?" I questioned shocked. I thought for sure she would run away again after Christen told her to leave.

"I'm not going to just leave. Especially when she is like this and especially right now." She responded determinedly.

I nodded my head approvingly, thinking that if she hadn't run away again then maybe my talk with her really did some good. Moving towards the counter I sat down feeling like there was more she wanted to say.

"Is she okay?" she asked hesitantly without turning around to face me.

"She took her medicine and should be sleeping."

"But like is she okay? I didn't mean to make things worse. I just wanted to see if she is okay." She apologized still not choosing to meet my eyes.

"Tobin you didn't make things worse." I tried reassuring her.

"I don't need you lying to me I know I fucked up and obviously Christen wouldn't agree with you." She told me sternly, going back to storing aggressively.

"She's just scared Tobs," I explained and finally, she turned around to face me.

She looked shocked then confused.

"Why would Christen be scared of me?" She questioned me timidly.

I took a moment to move around the counter to shut off the stove and pull Tobin onto the couch in the next room. Sitting her down next to me and putting my arm around her should before responding.

"She's scared of letting you see her like this. She isn't her normal self and I think she is afraid you won't love her if you saw her in this state."

"But that's ridiculous. I love everything about Christen, nothing could change that." She immediately countered my point.

"Of course you do Tobin, but think of Christen's experiences. Not many people in her life had loved her unconditionally, stuck around and been there for her when she needed and she hasn't had much opportunity to full trust, somebody, to be there for her, except for her mom."

"Do you think she doesn't trust me fully?" She sighed out obviously frustrated with the thought.

"I don't know maybe not, maybe she does. All I know is she is being irrational right now because she doesn't have full control of her emotions and that you shouldn't take it personally."

"You're right. I'll just have to wait and have a real conversation with her when she is feeling better."

"That a girl." I complimented her maturity. Soon after though there was a buzzing in my pocket that interrupted our moment. I pulled it out of pocket and saw Ashlyn calling me and before I even heard her saying anything it hit me what day it is.

"Shit!" I exclaimed jumping off the couch, answering the phone, realizing the thing I had forgotten. "Ash dude I completely forgot I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, I figured you were still taking care of Christen, she wasn't looking the best when Ali and I were checking on her earlier."

"I think I managed to get her back on track so I can leave right now, Tobin is here and Christen is sleeping anyway."

"If you are sure, I could still use your help in setting the dinner at her house. Kyle is supposed to pick up her favorite food, but if you can go and meet him at their house and help him set up the table and just make it romantic for me, please. I just really want this to be special tonight. She's the best girlfriend and things have been off with us lately because she is worried about next year and I just really think deserves a good anniversary."

"I got you, Ash. I'll leave right now. Do you have the box with you?"

"Yes, it's been in my pocket the whole day and I am freaking out, what if she doesn't like it? And what if I make things worse for us and what if...."

"Ash relax. Ali loves you, she is going to love it, Kyle and I will handle the dinner. Take a deep breath, go get your girl and enjoy the first part of the date."

"Okay, thanks, Lys. Keep me updated on things."

"Will do." I hung up putting my phone back in my pocket. Spinning around the room, not sure what to do first when I met some very confused brown eyes.

"Is everything okay?" She questioned.

"I uh I forgot that I promised I would help Ash set dinner up for her and Ali's anniversary."

"Oh okay do you need me to do anything?"

"No, I just....well I guess yes. I need you to stay here just in case Christen needs you although I doubt she will wake up anytime soon."

"Got it." She told me determined.

I made my way around back to the kitchen grabbing my bag off the counter. Pausing feeling like I am still forgetting something. But a buzz from my pocket once again distracted me. I pulled it out of my pocket to see a text from Kyle freaking out. So I look around the room once again hoping I will see the thing I am forgetting when I once again meet light brown eyes.

"I'll take care of her Alyssa." She reassured me.

"Just....just don't push her right now okay? Give her time to figure out herself and then you can have that talk with her." She didn't verbally respond but she nodded her head in understanding. "I can be back in minutes if you need anything okay? And you will keep me updated?"

"Of course I will." She agreed quickly.

"Okay then ummmm" I was still stuck in the doorway feeling like for some reason I shouldn't leave.

"Everything will be fine. I got this Alyssa." She told me confidently while practically pushing me out the door. With another buzz going off in my pocket I hurried to the car thinking nothing could possibly go wrong in a few hours.

.

.

.

.

**Tobin's POV**

After pushing Alyssa out the door I wasn't really sure what to do next. Christen isn't feeling well and I can't be with her,...I can't do anything to try and make her feel better..... And what's worse is I know that it's my fault.

I fucked up. Plain and simple. I know I did. I shouldn't have taken what Christen's dad said to heart. I shouldn't have left Christen without talking with her first or at least leaving a note. I shouldn't have left my phone. And I shouldn't have just assumed she would be okay.

I take responsibility for all of that.

But it doesn't make it hurt less, that she asked well not really asked but demanded me to leave her...Because seeing the girl you're in love with, in obvious pain, and not being able to do anything about it...is torture. Especially when you are partially responsible for the pain she is feeling.

And I know Alyssa just explained to me that sometimes these feelings break through and take over and there is nothing Christen or anybody in her life can do. And I know that Alyssa and Christen's father both had some part in pushing her over the edge but Alyssa was right this is on me. I should have been here and I could have helped prevent it, but instead, I ran off to be alone because my feelings were hurt because I believed a guy who barely knows his daughter.

And that makes me the fucking idiot.

So instead of running off and wallowing, in self-pity like I normally do. I'm not making that mistake again. I'm going to trust Christen, trust our relationship and trust that our feelings for each other are mutual. So I'm going to be here and wait here until Christen is ready to talk to me and I am going to beg for forgiveness and actually talk to her about hopefully our future.

So in the meantime, I'm going to do stuff around the house to keep myself busy. I started off with finishing the Mac n cheese. Putting it in the oven to finish it off and keep it warm. After that I moved around the kitchen cleaning up the mess I made, I moved to the closet grabbing the broom and started to work on cleaning up the floor.

I made it through the kitchen, through the living room, and down the hallway. I made it in front of Christen's room, where after standing in front of it for a few minutes I managed to turn away and instead go into her art room knowing that that room is always in need of a cleaning. Because whenever she gets painting she loses focus everything else. But also because I could feel myself spinning and getting stuck in bad thoughts and Christen's art always makes me feel better.

So after sweeping the floor, I moved around the room picking up loose color pencils, washing off some paintbrush that was on the counter but still full of paint, and finally, I moved to the canvas she had been working on. At first, I was too distracted by making sure all the caps were in the different tubes of paint, but when I finally put the last cap on and looked at the painting on the easel my heartdropped to my stomach.

Right away I could tell this was the painting Christen hadn't let me see she had been working on just a day ago. And it was obvious now looking at it why she hadn't wanted me to see it. Because the painting was of a place we had been not too long ago a place where held excitement for her and some lost dreams for me.

In front of me was an exact painting of the main brick cafeteria of the University of North Carolina.

Which could mean two things...One Christen was obviously more taken with UNC that I had believed and two Christen's dad and Alyssa have to be right.....this paining must mean something all of her art means something and Christen wouldn't just paint something she thought was pretty. This painting is significant which means. Christen wants to go to UNC......She wants to go to UNC and she hadn't told me yet.

My heart is clenching at the idea of never seeing Christen again, of her wanting to go to UNC without me. Because in a single second of seeing that painting I lost the whole future I had been picturing now for some time. But I think what's worse right now, what's making my heart feel like it's being smashed into a million pieces is realizing I'm not as important to Christen as I thought I was. Because if she cared about me, even half of how I care for her she would have had the decency to at least tell me she's going to UNC if she would want to even try long-distance or even if she sees me apart of her future at all.

While being wrapped up in my thoughts, and being overwhelmed by the worry and pain I was feeling I had stumbled out into the hallway and I found myself to be standing in front of Christen's bedroom once again. This time though it wasn't my need to comfort her that was wanting me to go push the door open, instead I wanted answers. I wanted to walk in there and demand she tell me to my face that she wants to go to UNC, I want to make her tell me if she still will want me apart of her life in a few months, I want to force her to finally just tell me once and for all if she is in love with me.

But as I moved my hand to twist the door nob, I took a second to catch my breath and that when my thoughts cleared and it was obvious that I couldn't open that door. Especially with Alyssa's warning now going through my head, "just don't push her right now okay? Give her time to figure out herself and then you can have that talk with her." Because if I opened that door, if I confronted Christen right now I would never forgive myself because that would be completely selfish of me. To not only push Christen to get her own emotions under control but to make her confront my feelings would be the worst thing I could do right now.

So instead I turned and headed further down the hallway to the room Christen said I could stay in months ago. The room that I never used nor even planned on using in the future because after we got together I couldn't picture a time where I wouldn't want to be as close to Christen as I possibly can. Even now I can feel my heart seeking comfort and yet despite Christen being the cause of my distress I couldn't help but be filled with the need to have her hold me in her arms and tell me everything will be okay.

But I knew I couldn't, so instead of being in the arms of the only person that could I could find solace in I climbed into the bed pulling blanket after blanket on top of me, shoving pillows on either side of me, taking in breaths in time with the clock, hoping this will be enough comfort for me just to fall asleep. As I clutched a pillow to my chest and attempted to close my eyes and fall asleep, I felt the first of what would be many tears fall down my face.

.

.

.

When I woke up I could tell I had been asleep for a couple of hours, because I could feel the dry tears on my face and my body was stiff and aching from being hunched around the pillow that I was still clutching.

The more time that I have to reflect on Christen's and I's relationship since even before we started dating, the more I can see how maybe I had put more expectations on her and us then what was fair. Every time we had talked about the future I had done a majority of the talking and even when she was touring schools I had been there influencing her decisions. Maybe Christen has felt this way for a while, since probably before we had even started dating. And maybe, well more then maybe more then likely I had chosen to ignore the truth and chose instead to make up my own happy future because if my issues because of the thought of going to school next year without Christen scares me. And not only because my heart clenches at the idea of being so far from her, but because I know in the short period of time that I have had Christen care about me and the feeling of having my friends back in my life has left me petrified at just the thought of being by myself next year.

And I know that's why I am possibly blowing this out of proportion but for obvious reasons I can't get my mind off of it. Which leaves me to have three options.

One, I can stay in bed wallowing and allow myself to sink further into the sadness and loneliest I was feeling, which I knew wouldn't be good for me. Two, I can get up and confront Christen and make her talk to me and explain to me why she hadn't told me and what this means for us in the future, which I quickly ruled out because I knew that I couldn't come at her with this when I am angry and she isn't feeling good. Or the third option, I can get up and pretend like I didn't see the painting at least until Christen is feeling better.

Because at least this way I can be here for Christen and maybe I can just try and enjoy the time we still have together because I really don't know what the future holds for us anymore. The more I think about it the more I realized just how lucky I am to have Christen in any way for any length of time and yes while I wish she would have given me some warning about wanting her future to head in a different direction then mine can I really be angry with her about it?

Even though I know the answer should be an immediate no, because who wouldn't want their girlfriend to make decisions that would make her happy (only a terrible girlfriend... but I can't help but feel angry she hasn't talked to me about it. But I know that is my insecurities talking, so instead of getting stuck in my head again, I decided to instead go and enjoy the mac n cheese I made because my stomach is yelling at me.

I flopped out of bed, and made my way down the hallway and into the kitchen, but taken by surprise at the sight of curly browned hair girl who was the cause of my distress casually sitting on the counter by the sink.

"Shit sorry." I sputter out a quick apology, realizing she probably didn't want to see me right now. And before I could upset her more I turned and was about to head back down the hallway but didn't get very far.

"Wait.." her voice called out to me cracking, she cleared her voice and repeated it...

"wait Tobs don't go."

I turned back around and walked into the kitchen hesitantly not really sure what to expect. "Ummm do you need something?" I asked her still afraid to meet her eyes.

"No..I umm...I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry about yelling at you earlier, I knew you just wanted to help and I'm glad you stayed." She confessed quietly.

"You don't have to apologize about that Christen. I'm the one who should be apologizing." I assured her. Forgetting all the other issues, I moved closer to her to grab her hand off the counter so she would meet my eyes. "I'm sorry about earlier....about all of it...leaving without saying anything and barging into your room like that. I was just worried about you." I explained to her.

"It's okay Tobs." She was assuring me now, pulling her hand out of mine only to bring it my shirt so she could pull me into a hug.

I immediately wrapped my arms around her waist, and because she was still on the counter her arms were up on my shoulders and when she kissed the top of my head I relaxed more into her and she wrapped her legs around my torso pulling me impossibly closer to her.

I felt all the tension leave my body and I felt like I could actually breathe for the first time in hours. And while I was lost in finally feeling safe and peaceful in her arms, I remembered why the tension was in my body in the first place. The bad thoughts that have been clouding my mind for the last few hours we're back and they had my whole body tightening up again. And I know Christen felt it because she loosened her hold on me and pulled back.

"What's wrong?" She asked me.

"Nothing." I quickly denied it. Stepping away from her embrace because if I stayed there longer I knew I would break down and confront her. So instead I turned around and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and served myself some mac n cheese that was now out on top of the stove. I felt her eyes on me, and I knew she was waiting for me to just tell her what's wrong because I have been forthcoming about my feelings but instead I asked her a question to distract.

"Did you have some already?"

"Yeah." She responded quietly.

"That's good. Did it come out okay?" I tried to keep the conversation going.

"It was very good. Did you make it?" She answered, but I could tell by the tone of her voice she was just humoring me, she's not really buying the change in conversation.

"Yeah, I thought that you would be hungry when you were feeling better. You are feeling better right?" I checked with her, choosing now to meet her eyes so I can see if she lying to me or not.

"Yeah, I'm feeling much better." She answered right away obviously trying to assure me.

"That's good." I dropped my eyes back down to the mac n cheese trying to avoid the awkward tension that I knew I was the cause of. "Do you want some more?"

"Sure." She agreed while handing her bowl over to me.

So I filled her's up, handing back to her and moving around her and the counter to sit at the table across the kitchen. I didn't sit next to her because I knew I couldn't control myself so better safe than sorry. For a few minutes, it was practically silent, only the sounds of our spoons hitting bowls. The tension was killing me so I looked up at Christen to try and talk to her because I couldn't stand this awkwardness between us for another second, but when I looked up I couldn't help but feel terrible about what I was putting Christen through.

She was still sitting on the counter, and even though her back was to me I could tell I fucked up because the bowl of mac n cheese was sitting on the counter beside her untouched, her shoulders hunched over and her arms were wrapped around her torso. So without another thought, I got up from the table striding over to my girlfriend.

"Come on," I said reaching for her hand and pulling her off the counter. I pulled her behind me towards the couch. I immediately laid down on my back pulling her on top of me wrapping my hands around her back. "I'm sorry....I'm here for you," I whispered trying to make up for how I have been treating her.

"Why haven't you been able to look at me?" She asked me insecurity laced in her voice.

"That's not important right now."

"It obviously is to you, Tobin." She argued.

"It can wait, Chris. I don't want you to worry about it. This issue is with me." I tried reassuring her but also trying to give her some explanation, but apparently, it's wasn't good enough for her because she immediately sat up and moved off me and to the open cushion next to me.

"Just tell me what's wrong, babe?" She asked again determined to push me.

"It's fine," I answered quickly obviously try not to have this conversation now, but I know she didn't believe me if the furrowed eyebrows were anything to go by.

"If everything is fine then why do I still feel like you don't want to be here right now?" She accused me, grabbing my hand that I hadn't even realized was gripping my shirt. "Tobin please just tell me what's wrong." She pleaded and if there was anything to break me down and come clean it was this.....her breaking down right in front of me because of me.

So I did the thing she was asking of me because I would do anything to stop the tears that were falling out of her eyes now. So I moved closer to her so that she could reach out and wipe the tears from her face. I grabbed her hands and put them in mine and raising my eyes to hers I told her, "I saw your painting."

"My....painting...?" She asked confused. "Which....one?"

"I think you know which one I am talking about." She is obviously catching on to what I am talking about because she dropped gaze from mine.

"Oh, I meant to show you it differently when things were better. Did you not like it?" She mumbled out.

"I'm not really sure Christen. Of course, as always your art is beautiful you are so fucking talented...But how could you think that is how I wanted to find out? Really Chris what were you thinking?" I asked out sternly my anger getting the better of me.

"Well... I don't know, you are always romantic with songs and stuff and I thought my equivalent was to paint you something." She said casually like it wasn't wrong that I found out this way.

"You think that's the same? You think I would want to get that news from a painting. God Chris this changes everything and you are acting like everything is fine because you painted it." I exclaimed out ripping my hands away from hers and standing up off the couch. How can she not see how I would never want to hear this news let alone is a 'cute' way.

"It was easier for me to tell you like that because I have been feeling this way since the trip. Besides I thought you'd like it."

"Easier......easier for you? What about me? And what did you think happened on that trip that would lead you to believe I would be okay with this...This is bullshit, Christen. You should have told me as soon as you figured it out...... don't you see this changes everything? The whole future I saw has changed now because of this. Why wouldn't you have told me sooner?"

"Because I was scared." She mumbled out, barely audible.

"Scared of what?" I asked demanding an answer, but after a few seconds, I realized I wasn't going to get an answer. Christen was still on the couch, but I could tell she was shutting down because she had pulled her knees to her chest and she was resting her head on top of them. Effectively blocking me from seeing her.

I started pacing the room trying to figure out where to go from here. I was pushing Christen too hard, the shape she was in told me that, but at the same time I couldn't stop myself I wanted answers."I was just going to ignore it. I was going to not think about it and just let myself enjoy whatever time you let me have with you because you make me happy in a way no one else can. And now you pushed me to talk about it and now you are upset because of me and now I look like an asshole just because I want answers, Chris. Is that so much to ask for."

"I don't know what you want me to say now, Tobin."She finally responded, glancing at me now with her tear-stained face.

"I want to know where we go from here. I don't know how you want me to handle this situation." I lightened my voice, feeling guilty at what I am putting her through.

"I don't know Tobin. I don't know where we go from here."

"That's not good enough Chris." I countered, knowing she was hurting, but I was also hurting so I pushed her.

"What do you want me to say, Tobin. I thought the painting would say it all and now I don't know what you want from me." She was the one raising her voice at me now, sounding just as frustrated as I was minutes before. "Please just tell me what you want from me." She pleaded all the frustration turning into desperation within seconds.

"You know what I want from you, Chris... I want to hear it from you..... I want you to say it to my face and then tell me what that means for you and us in the future."

She is nodding her head and I think finally she is understanding what I need from her right now. Clarity. I need to hear from her. If she going to leave me or not. So I sit back down on the couch next to her and wait. But what she said next was far from what I needed from her at that moment.

"I'm...." She took a deep breath and met my eyes directly, "I'm in love with you,Tobin Heath."


	36. Part Thirty-Six

**Christen's PoV**

As soon as I could feel myself waking up, I could feel the sun that was coming through my window hitting me right in my face, obviously, the reason for me waking up. I turned over trying to go back to sleep, but it was futile. So instead I slowly blinked my eyes opened and looked at the clock on the far wall. Blinking my eyes some more because I couldn't believe the actual time.

I had been asleep for multiple hours and while I wish I could sleep some more because I feel in my body that everything wasn't back to normal. I still felt like there is a weight on my chest but I know it's better already because I could feel my stomach growl and the thought of food didn't make me want to throw up. So I rolled out of bed changed my clothing into more comfy sweatpants and sweatshirt and head down the hallway.

Walking down the hallway and into the kitchen I realized two things. One there was one of my favorite smells coming from the oven, with a closer look I confirmed my suspicion. Inside the oven was my favorite food, my mom's Mac n cheese. I pulled it out of the oven scooping a big portion into my bowl and couldn't stand to wait any longer so I jumped up, sat on the counter, and raised a spoonful to mouth instantly groaning at the good taste in my mouth. It was so good that I managed to scarf it all down within a few minutes.

And putting the now-empty bowl in the sink I realized the second thing. I was alone. Looking at the almost full casserole of Mac n cheese I couldn't help but wish there was someone here sharing it with me. Whether that was anyone of my friends that I now call family or and who I knew I really wish was here with me, my girlfriend. Although based on our last interaction I don't expect to be seeing her anytime soon and that thought brought the weight back to my chest.

I yelled at Tobin, who was just trying to help me. But it truly scared me when she showed up. I never wanted her to see me like that because that's not the girl she loves and what if she rethinks her love for me?

And it's as if my thoughts made her appear because there she was standing in the doorway wide-eyed and mouth open, in shock.

"Shit sorry." She sputtered out a quick apology, and quickly turning around and moving down the hallway. Not bearing to see her run away I called out to her.

"Wait.." my voice cracking, I cleared it and repeated it... "wait Tobs don't go."

She turned back around and walked into the kitchen hesitantly not really sure what to expect. "Ummm do you need something?" She asked me looking anywhere but at me.

"No..I umm...I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry about yelling at you earlier, I knew you just wanted to help and I'm glad you stayed." I confessed quietly wanting to solve the tension between us that I knew I was the cause of. This time it was me avoiding eye contact because I was afraid she wouldn't accept my apology.

"You don't have to apologize about that Christen. I'm the one who should be apologizing." She retorted quickly and somehow she was across the kitchen and grabbing my hand off the counter, tugging slightly which meant she wanted me to meet her eyes. "I'm sorry about earlier....about all of it...leaving without saying anything and barging into your room like that. I was just worried about you." She continued obviously trying to make me feel better.

"It's okay Tobs." I agreed right away not wanting her to believe that she had anything to be sorry for, but with one look into her eyes I could see the pain still in them and I know it was my fault. So I pulled my hand away from hers instead wrapping her into my arms hoping this helps get us back to normal.

She immediately wrapped my arms around my waist, and because I was still on the counter and it was slightly awkward I put my arms up on her shoulders and when I kissed the top of her head I felt her relax further into me and pull me closer to her And all my worries were gone for a second because nothing bad could happen when I'm in her arms.

But I guess she didn't feel the same because soon after her body was tensing up and I could feel the stress radiating off of her. So I pulled away from her, so I can try and get a better reading on what was wrong.

"What's wrong?" I asked her.

"Nothing." She quickly denied. Stepping away from me and turning around and grabbing a bowl from the cabinet serving herself some mac n cheese. I kept watching her waiting for a sign of what was bothering her or for her to tell me because she doesn't hide her feeling from me since we got together.

And instead of a confession, I got a half-assed attempts to distract me.

"Did you have some already?" She asked me in fake innocence.

"Yeah," I responded quietly still trying to figure out what is going on her head.

"That's good. Did it come out fine?" She tried to keep the conversation going.

"It was very good. Did you make it?" I answered her thinking maybe if she relaxed she would tell me.

"Yeah, I thought that you would be hungry when you were feeling better. You are feeling better right?" She asked this time actual emotion in her voice and when I didn't answer right away she turned to face me. Her face was full of worry.

"Yeah, I'm feeling much better," I assured her. So if that's what causing this tension? Is she worried I am not back to normal? But why would that make her so distant from me?

"That's good." She dropped her eyes back down to the mac n cheese trying toavoid the awkward tension "Do you want some more?"

"Sure." I agreed while handing her bowl over to her.

So she filled mine back up, handing back to me and I moved over on the counter so she could hop up next to me, but instead, she moved around the counter to sit at the table across the kitchen.

Fuck. So something is definitely wrong because Tobin always wants to be right by my side. So what's wrong? What if my worries were right? What if she doesn't want to be with me anymore because she can see that I'm not simple. What is she realizes she can't handle or doesn't like the version of me that isn't happy all the time. Because before yesterday everything was fine between us. We were happy, happy together and the only thing that's is different from then and now is she saw that there's this darkness that takes a hold of me sometimes and drags me down.

And what if she realized she can't love me because she can't love that part of me? Or what if Alyssa telling her about my past made her realize how selfish I am. What if she doesn't love me anymore because she knows that I have chosen myself over a person I loved. Or....or...

Before I could get further into a spiral, she broke the silence. "Come on," She said reaching for my hand and pulling me off the counter. She pulled me behind her towards the couch. She laid down pulling me on top of her wrapping her hands around my back. "I'm sorry....I'm here for you," She whispered into my ear.

I felt myself completely break down in her arms and ask the questions that are floating around in my head. "Why haven't you been able to look at me?" I even heard the insecurity laced in my voice.

"That's not important right now." She responded like it was an actual answer.

"It obviously is to you, Tobin," I argued.

"It can wait, Chris. I don't want you to worry about it. This issue is with me." I could tell she was trying to reassure me but I didn't need reassurance and I definitely didn't need her to feel sorry for me. I needed answers so I sat up and moved off her to the open cushion next to her.

"Just tell me what's wrong, babe?" I asked again determined to push her because I couldn't stand the tension between us. I needed to know if she saw me differently now.

"It's fine," She answered quickly obviously try not to have this conversation now.

But I was not having it. I could feel the weight back in my chest and I knew that if I didn't get to the bottom of this now my thought would consume me. "If everything is fine then why do I still feel like you don't want to be here right now?" I accused her because she was still not meeting my eyes and was making no attempt to get closer to me. So I grabbed her hand that was gripping her shirt, which she only did when she was nervous. "Tobin please just tell me what's wrong." I pleaded with her feeling the emotions slipping out of control with fresh tears coming down my face.

Because if she couldn't even meet my eyes then there's no way she still loves me.

I think the tears in my face broke her because finally, she moved closer to me so that she could reach out and wipe the tears from my face. She then grabbed my hands and put them in hers and finally, her brown eyes were looking into mine, and usually, that would relax me. Her brown eyes usually filled with adoration and love, but what I saw surprised me. I expected to see pity. Pity on me because she was feeling bad about making me cry and break up me. But I didn't expect to see some guilt in her eyes and also pain.

"I saw your painting." She murmured out finally. But it was not the break up I was expecting so it took me off guard.

"My....painting...?" I asked confused why would a painting be causing this much pain and tension between us. "Which....one?"

"I think you know which one I am talking about." She spat out at me. Almost like she was bothered that I didn't know which painting she was talking about. But I really couldn't understand why a painting I did would be affecting her like this none of them were about her or had anything to do with her Except.......fuck but.......fuck, of course, she found the painting I had been trying to hide from her. I hadn't put it back in the closet after I was working on it yesterday. But if she really found the painting why is she angry with me?.....Unless she didn't like it. Shit.

I felt my sink at the thought. "Did you not like it?" I mumbled out afraid of her answer.

"I'm not really sure Christen. Of course, as always your art is beautiful you are so fucking talented...like outrageously talented...But how could you think that is how I wanted to find out? Really Chris what were you thinking?" She scolded me sternly.

"Well... I don't know, you are always romantic with songs and stuff and I thought my equivalent was to paint you something." I defended myself not seeing how this turned out like this.

"You think that's the same? You think I would want to get that news from a painting..... God Chris this changes everything and you are acting like everything is fine because you painted it." She exclaimed out, standing up off the couch and ripping her hands away from mine, practically taking my heart with her.

"It was easier for me to tell you like that because I have been feeling this way since the trip. Besides I thought you'd like it." I tried explaining. Hope now especially with her knowing about my past she could understand how this was easier for me than admitting it out loud.

"Easier......easier for you? What about me? And what did you think happened on that trip that would lead you to believe I would be okay with this...This is bullshit, Christen. You should have told me as soon as you figured it out...... don't you see this changes everything? The whole future I saw has changed now because of this. Why wouldn't you have told me sooner?"

She started off angry, but I quickly realized she was frustrated and now it seems she is disappointed in me. And that is the reason I found myself able to give her an answer. "Because I was scared," I mumbled out.

"Scared of what?" She asked back to demanding answers as she stalked closer to me looming over me on the couch.

How could she not see this was the most terrifying thing I have faced yet. I could feel the weight thick on my chest making it hard to breathe. I knew I was shutting down because my knees automatically hit my chest and my head followed trying to catch my breath and effectively blocking me from seeing Tobin so angry at me.

I knew it was stupid of me to have that painting. I knew I should have let Tobin, I shouldn't have let myself fall for her, I shouldn't have let myself see a future with her. Because obviously, she didn't feel the same way. Obviously all the I love yous she said before didn't have the same meaning.

Somehow through my bad thoughts, her voice still reached me. And I think it's because I had never heard her like this before. Because her voice was stern and loud and was demanding....this wasn't the Tobin I knew, the Tobin that would always have to be holding my hand or whispering compliments to me whenever she could is far from the Tobin that was in front of me.

"I was just going to ignore it. I was going to not think about it and just let myself enjoy whatever time you let me have with you because you make me happy in a way no one else can. And now you pushed me to talk about it and now you are upset because of me and now I look like an asshole just because I want answers, Chris. Is that so much to ask for."

"I don't know what you want me to say now, Tobin." I somehow managed to respond hoping she would stop whatever she was doing because I didn't know how much more I could handle.

"I want to know where we go from here. I don't know how you want me to handle this situation." I think she finally noticed how close I was to falling apart because she lightened her voice.

"I don't know Tobin. I don't know where we go from here." I told her truthfully, again hoping she would just leave me alone so I could wallow. Because I have no idea what she wants me to do now. I have nothing more to give to her.

"That's not good enough Chris." She countered, obviously not going to give up.

"What do you want me to say, Tobin. I thought the painting would say it all and now I don't know what you want from me." I was the one raising my voice now feeling frustrated that she was demanding this of me. But I could tell I hurt her when I raised my voice because she flinched away from me. "Please just tell me what you want from me." I pleaded with her not knowing what she could possibly want more from me.

"You know what I want from you, Chris... I want to hear it from you..... I want you to say it to my face and then tell me what that means for you and us in the future."

She told me, almost casually, but I could see the desperation in her eyes and I finally understood why she was pushing me because she was hurting too. So maybe there's hope for us yet. Maybe just the paintings as the mistake maybe if I told her face to face everything would be alright. Maybe she wouldn't want to leave me. Maybe just maybe she will say and mean the words back.

She sits down next to me waiting for me to say something. And I was grateful for her to close the distance because I am going to do this the right way this time because this might be the last chance I have to keep her...... "I'm...." I took a deep breath and met her eyes directly, but quickly closed my own afraid of seeing the disappointment of her face....."I love you, Tobin Heath." I whispered out using all the courage I have left.

And when no response came and my heartbeat felt like it was going to jump out of my chest I opened my eyes but I wished I didn't. Because Tobin's eyes were swimming with anger, anger that was obviously directed at me. And I had flashbacks of Olivia's face when I would tell her I love her, her telling me that I always ruin things between us.

"No..." She protested standing up and moving away from me. "No" She repeated.

"Tobin?" I called out to her, wishing she could hear me and know I can't handle it anymore. Wishing she could see that suddenly getting air to my lungs seems impossible. Calling out to her wishing she can see how much she is hurting me right now. Wishing she would stop breaking her promises to me. Wishing she would forget everything that just happened and is happening and would just hold me and tell me it will be okay.

And for a second I thought she understood, I thought she actually cared about me like she has been saying she does for weeks because for a slight second her eyes lightened and I saw the Tobin who I would catch looking at me with love in her eyes, but as soon as that flickered appeared it was gone and the emotionless mask was back.

"No Chris...I was okay with you having issues about telling me you love me because I just believed in us and I believed that if you didn't feel it now or felt it but couldn't say it... And I didn't say I love you to hear you say it back, I said it to make sure you knew. But you don't get to say that to me now....you don't get to say that to me now like it's going to make it all better."

"Tobin, I thought that's what you wanted to hear ... you told me to say it to you...."

"No, you don't get to say I love you to me because you think it's what I want to hear..."

"What does that mean Tobin?"

"Please, Chris... Please just let me finish....." She paused, obviously calming downing down because her voice lowered back down. "I need to get this out because now I realize I won't be able to handle losing you...Because I see it all Christen. I know we are young and we haven't been dating long, but I want you toknow I see our whole future together. I see us at college together, I see us playing soccer together, figuring out college, learning to be with each other, making a new family together....... Everything is so clear to me and so I don't understand how you can see a future without me and that doesn't shatter your heart completely. Because if you can see a future without me then we aren't doing what I thought we were doing here...... And if you don't want a future with me then please....please tell me now because I don't think I could survive falling more in love with you just for you to leave me."

Leave her? What is she talking about? I just told her I love her, she rejects me and then tells me she wants a future with me. But I am choosing to leave her? "I'm confused..." I admitted to her.

"God Chris.....fuck this...I just bared my soul to you and all you have to say is you're confused..." She told me once again standing up and moving away from me, except this time she was moving out of the room.

"Tobs...Tobin.." I called out to her getting off the couch and following her. "Tobin wait just please wait." I finally caught up to her tugging on her arm.

"Wait for what Chris?!!? What am I waiting for? I waited for you when you dated Alex, I waited for you to share your feelings for me. I waited for you Chris, and I was ready to wait for you my whole life if that's what you needed as long as we would be together in the end, but I won't...I can't just sit here and listen to you saying what I have been waiting for, just for you to leave me, I can't do that Chris and I didn't think you would do that to me, you could have just told me, Chris, why couldn't you just tell me you want to go to UNC".

The realization hit me, why Tobin was upset, why the admittance of my feelings made it worse, why she was so angry, just as she had the door open and was about to leave.....UNC....painting..... it finally connected she wasn't upset with me because I told her I am in love with her like my painting says. She saw a different painting that wasn't for her of UNC.....which means she thinks I want to go to UNC and I haven't told her.

"Tobin...I think I get what happening here....can you just wait here for a second. If you could just come to look at the painting again." Thinking that if I can show her, her painting will all make sense and everything will be good with us, but I could see I am not getting through to her.

"I don't want to see it again. Nothing you show me or tell me can make me feel bad okay about you leaving me." She told me with finality in her voice, which sent panic through my body.

"Tobin please I'm not...just please let me explain. " I tried pleading with her, see how close she is to the door and leaving me.

"Chris, just stop." She stopped my pleading. Throwing open the door, but turning back to face me before continuing, "no more okay. I can't take more people leaving me. You told me that you would fight for me always. You told me that and now... Now I can do this anymore...I can't do us." She told me with tears in her eyes, but with no emotion in her voice.

"What?" Shocked at the words that are coming out of her mouth. I understand that she is hurt because of the misunderstanding but she wants to break up over it?

"I can't... I can't be with you anymore."

"Tobin, please don't do this...I know you are hurting right now, but I promise to explain if you just let me explain...."

"No more explaining.....no more excuses Chris, you hurt me today, worse than I ever thought you would..... you kept a huge decision about your life from me, because you knew it would hurt me. You know being apart, you leaving me would hurt me and then you try making it up to me by choosing now to say you are in love with me...which is all I had been fucking waiting for since I met you.....And the fucked up part is even if you mean it, and god I really hope that you mean, but I can't know for sure and you ruined that for us, you ruined what would have been one of the best moments of my life and now you want me to wait and listen to your excuses, but I have no idea what you could say that could possibly make this better."

She paused at the door, waiting with her eyes red and tears streaming out, waiting and giving me the chance to finally say something, but I couldn't because what she said was true. Not the part about me keeping a big decision from her because that was a misunderstanding, but she is right and completely wrong at the same time. She was right the moment of me finally being able to say I am in love with her was ruined forever, but she's wrong because that wasn't my fault.

Here she is waiting for me to make things right between us but she never gave me a chance for any of it. She never paused for a second to think maybe it was a misunderstanding, that, of course, I didn't want to go to a school that was across the country from her and of course if somehow I had made that decision I wouldn't tell her with a fucking painting and of course when I finally told her I'm in love with her I didn't say it because I thought it would make her feel better, I said it because it's true because I understand the weight of it and get what it means to say those words.

And yet she is standing in front of me breaking my heart and hers, because somehow we went from being perfect in our bubble to this, to her believing the worst of me questioning everything we had and were supposed to have. All I have been wanting to do since we started arguing was to get a chance to explain what was going on, and now she was giving me that chance she was standing at the door waiting for me to say something, but now I didn't want to say anything because I couldn't say anything that would fix what she is doing to us, to me.

"If you don't want to be with me anymore then you should just go, Tobin, because you're right, nothing that can be said now can fix this," I repeated her words back to her.

I knew these words were harsh because she had said them to me and I know how it feels, but also because they caused a flood of tears to come out of both of our eyes, and yet they flowed freely from my mouth without a second thought because they were true. I don't see how we can recover from this. Yet I want her to make the decision because that will tell me who she really is.

Because there is one thing that I have learned from all the shit that I have gone through, when people, myself included are faced with choices of sticking around when things are tough, if they stick around they are the people who really care about you, or leaving, the easier choice but it shows they don't care enough about you go out in the effort. And the thing about leaving there is no coming back from it.

She seemed to realize the words to be true too and I think she understood the weight of them and the finality that would come with them, because she took a deep breath, wiped her tears, gave me one last glance and walked out the door, it slamming behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this probably isn't the direction that most of you want this story to be going, but I feel it has to go this way at least for now because that's how I feel these two characters would react in this situation.
> 
> Tobin has abondament issues. 
> 
> Leave some comments on how frustrated you are with the characters, with me, with everything lol. Give a kudos. 
> 
> And as always thanks for reading!!!


	37. Part Thirty-Seven

**3rd Person PoV**

When Alyssa, Allie, Kelley, and Pinoe arrived at Christen's house they were prepared with smiles on their faces and were ready to put a smile on Christen's face. Alyssa has gathered them all together told them about what Christen was going through and planned to have a movie day altogether to help her feel better. When they pulled up they were prepared with all their favorite movies, snacks, and comfy sweats. They were prepared for a sad Christen, for a Christen who needed a hug from each of them, what they weren't prepared for was Tobin sitting outside on the garage doorsteps. They weren't prepared for the tears streaming down her face and the sobs that were coming from her body. They weren't prepared for it, but as soon as they saw what was happening in front of them they all sprung into action.

Pinoe, Allie, and Kelley all ran to Tobin as soon as they could. Alyssa, on the other hand, ran past them and into the house, more afraid of what she would find inside.

Tobin was taken by surprise by the sudden presence of her friends. Before she heard all of them calling out to her, "Tobs!" , "Harry, what's wrong?", "What's going on?" She was focused on just trying to catch her breath. Because since she closed that door behind her, it seemed like her lungs weren't in her body because air refuses to get past her mouth. And yet figuring out how to swallow air wasn't her main focus. Because ever since she closed that fucking door, her heart felt like it was being squeezed, no being crushed into smaller and smaller pieces, and if it wasn't for the agonizing pain ever-present in her chest she would think there weren't any more pieces to crush.

The three girls weren't aware of what was going on inside of Tobin. What they were concerned about was getting Tobin breathing normally again because the giant sobs and the rapid small gasps she kept switching between was scary.

Pinoe tried to physically make it better, thinking back to the time she got a ball straight to the stomach and felt like she couldn't breathe. She remembered the trainers pulling her arms that were warped around her stomach up to the air above her head so she can help the airflow. Similarly, she unlatched Tobin's arms where they were tightly gripping her shirt on her chest and rose them above her head.

And yet even after a minute, the sobbing seemed to get worse.

Kelley has never seen Tobin this emotional before so she just tried to talk to her. Like how they would talk before every game. She grabbed her chin making her looking into her eyes, making sure to get down to her level, and called out to her. "Toby...Tobs.... look at me.... everything is okay. You're okay. I'm here and it will be okay."

And yet just like Pinoe, it didn't help.

Allie has seen both of her friends try techniques she thought of herself and when she saw they didn't work she started to panic. Luckily Allie did well under pressure. She worked best when there was a big crowd in the stands, she took her best shots when her team needed a goal, and so when her best friend is not breathing from a panic attack her brain flashed to when she had seen this last..... she remembered that night at the party when Tobin had a panic attack because she thought Christen would never forgive her. And after a second to process, she remembered how she got Tobin breathing back to normal.

Christen.

She had gotten Christen to come out and calm her down. But something also was telling her that Christen couldn't help right now, so with the fight of her flight and fight reaction taking over, she pushed Alex and Kelley out of the way pulling Tobin into her arms. The blonde took her friend's hand and placed it against her beating chest.

"Tobin...Har...I need you to focus. Focus on my heart... you feel it beneath your hand right. I'm here...you're here and we are going to be alright...I need you to breathe. One breathe in...." Allie paused when she felt the body against hers take a shaky breath in, "and one breathe out...and in.....and out..." Allie kept going until Tobin was back to a normal rhythm although even though the beat was back to normal every one of them can tell the breathes are shallow, like Tobin doesn't want the air in for very long.

It also seemed like now that Tobin was breathing normally, she started to think about what was happening. “Get away from me! Get away from me, Allie!”

“Tobin, what’s wrong? What did I do?” Allie questioned backing away from Tobin.

“You hurt me! You left me! I thought I could forgive you, but I can’t.”

“Tobin I don’t understand.”

“You and Alex almost ruined my life! You took everything away from me. You are the reason why I’m scared that everyone will leave me. You are the reason I fucked up. You are the reason I am fucked up. And you made me fuck up everything with Christen and I don’t forgive you.”

“Tobin, I…I told you I’m sorry. I… I’m sorry..”

“Sorry isn’t good enough Allie. It doesn’t change what happened.”

“Tobin?” A voice called out behind them. All the girls turning to see Lauren getting out of her car and running over.

“Laur, what are you doing here?” Tobin questioned, calming down some at just the sight of her friend.

“Allie called me when she got here and saw you.”

“You did?” All Allie could do is nod as she is still speechless at Tobin’s outburst at her.

"Tobin tell me what's wrong?" Lauren asked crouching back down to Tobin's level.

"I....cleaning and I saw.....painting.....Christen. She didn't tell me....and then...."

She rambled out barely coherent words in between shakey sobs.

"Tobin, slow down...I...we don't understand." Kelley interrupted her. All the girls trying to put together what was happening.

"She told me she loves me." Tobin managed to choke out quietly. Tear brimming her eyes once again. Lips trembling.

"I don't understand Tobs. That's what you been wanting to hear from her."

"Exactly!" She yelled out. Breaking out of Lauren’s grasp. "She thought it would make me feel better. She only said it to me because she felt guilty, and because she didn't want to fight anymore." Tobin rambled as she paced back in forth her hand running through her hair.

"Tobin what are you talking about dude? Christen wouldn't do that."

"Yeah Tobs, Kelley's right. Christen loves you. I know this for sure." Allie added quietly nervous at intervening.

"She can't....she can't love me....if she really loves me she wouldn't have said it then. She should have known to not say it like that.......we have had many romantic moments together....there were so many other times she could have told me but she didn't....so no..she can't really love me....because if she loves me she would not have said it to me like that."

"Tobin, Christen has been wanting to say it to you since forever.....she has been struggling with verbalizing it because of her past, but I talked with her and we figured out how she could tell you,” Allie explained.

"Bullshit..."

"Tobs I'm telling the truth here...." Allie pauses her defending because Tobin is looking at her with disbelief...she can't understand how Tobin would think that Christen doesn't love her. I mean for fuck's sake Christen has been working on that painting since she and Tobin got back. The painting! Tobin said something about a painting earlier, didn't she? "Har, didn't you say something about a painting earlier?"

"Was that your fucking idea too?" Tobin retorted back angrily, stepping closer to Allie as if she was going to push her.

Pinoe and Kelley automatically moving in grabbing Tobin to make sure she didn't do anything she will regret. Allie, on the other hand, didn't even flinch for two reasons. One she knows even if Tobin did get physical, which she very much doubted she swore she would never hurt her best friend again. And two if Tobin saw Christen's painting she didn't understand how or why she is reacting this way to it.

"Tobin, what is going on? How did you not love the painting?" Allie questioned, never have had seen the painting, but knowing Christen would make it beautiful.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Allie! Of course, I don't love the painting..... I don't want to hear that that way, let alone at all...I mean seriously it was fucked up for her to tell me like that...I mean is that how you would want to find out."

Again this only made Allie more confused and Tobin angrier. Allie can't understand how her friend is responding this negatively to something she thought was so good. There must be something else that was happening because she knows Tobin loves Christen and she knows there is no way she would be responding like this.

With Allie being stumped, Tobin being angry, Pinoe and Kelley completely lost Lauren decided to try and figure everything out. "Tobin, sit down." She asked.

When Tobin just rolled her eyes and continued to pace Lauren tried again, "Tobin Heath, you are going to sit down, take a deep breathe, and tell us everything from the beginning," this time in a more commanding tone.

Tobin really didn't want to sit, talk, and relive what just happened again because she isn't sure if she can survive as it is. Because now that she wasn't directing her emotions towards anger she was starting to feel the pain in her chest again. But she knew with the way all her friends were looking at her with concern she is going to have to explain.

So she did what Lauren told her to do, she sat down on the step, took a breath, and started from the beginning.

"Well did Alyssa catch you up on everything that happened yesterday?" They all quickly nodded in agreement, knowing about Christen and what happened between Tobin and Alyssa and her because Alyssa already explained everything.

"Okay, so as you can imagine she wasn't really up to see me yesterday, but I didn't want to leave her alone. So I stuck around the house in case she needed something, in the meantime, I thought to keep myself busy I would do some cleaning. Except as always, Christens's house is practically spotless so I thought I'd tackle her art room because that's always a mess. So I'm in there cleaning and I noticed that she didn't cap some of her paint on her easel so I go over and close them and then....." she cut herself off with the rush of emotions that went through her body.

"What happened then?" Kelley asked caught up in the story.

Allie, on the other hand, had more background information and was able to guess what happened. "You saw her painting for you." She finished for her friend. Tobin nodded, tears coming out of her eyes again. "I still don't understand how you didn't like the painting Tobs. I mean I know she meant to show it to you differently, but come on she put so much thought and effort into it."

"Are you serious is that how you want to fucking find out...is that how you want to find out that the love of your life is leaving you to go to another college because I sure as hell did not want to find out that way let alone find out at all."

"College?" Allie questioned confused about how Tobin got there.

"Leaving you?" Kelley echoed equally confused.

"Yes! God damn it why do you guys keep making me repeat it. This fucking sucks already. I can't.....you guys are making me relive that moment over and over again and I keep telling you...So I'm going to say this one more fucking time and then I'm getting out of this shitty city forever...." she took a deep breath before continuing. "

She kept from me what she really wanted and how she told me she doesn't want to go to Stanford with me is by painting me a fucking picture of UNC...So no I don't like her fucking painting Allie. And when I told her that, she had the audacity to be surprised at me being upset. And when I confronted her about it...about how she could think I would want her to tell me like this, let alone be okay with her telling me like this she told me she was scared....scared of saying it out loud and that's why she did it....like that would make a difference to me, so of course that made me angry and I needed her to say it out loud because if she is going to do this to me I needed her to say it to my face......." Tobin took a deep pause from her frustrated ramble before continuing. "And if she hadn't already hurt me enough....she told me she's in love with me....she fucking told me she's in love with me. Like it would stop me from being upset like it would make me feel good about her leaving, she said it as she meant it...but I know she couldn't have because if she truly loves me she wouldn't have told me like that." Tobin broke down crying as soon as the last words left her mouth.

Lauren who always hated seeing the girl in pain immediately pulled her into her arms whispering comforting words in her ears. Kelley quickly joined in sandwiching Tobin between them.

Allie didn't.

No Allie had finally understood what was happening and she feared it was worse than she thought **.** "Oh Tobin, what did you do?"

"Allie, what the fuck? Obviously Tobin is the hurt one here." Lauren scolded her.

Allie ignores Lauren she needed to know what happened after, "Tobin what happened after? She must have asked you to let her explain. "

"Of course she said she wanted to explain, but what couldn't she possibly say that can make any of this better. I didn't want to hear any more of her excuses so I broke up with her. She obviously wasn't the person I thought she was and she obviously didn't care about me."

"God damn it, Tobin. You of all people should know about letting people explain their sides of the stories. I know you were...are hurt but you really fucked up"...Allie said expressing her disappointment in her friend. Her friend that she has lost and hurt because she didn't listen to her side of the story...Oh god, Christen. "I need to go see Christen," Allie announced her concern while trying to walk past the three other girls.

"Of course you're going to check on her....you don't really care about me do you? Because it seems to me like you will always pick the person who hurts me." Tobin said with as much venom in her voice that any of them had ever heard.

Allie stopped right in her tracks, hand resting on the doorknob. "Of course I care about you, Tobin...I love you....but you really fucked up this time."

"Why do you keep saying that? Because I stood up for myself? Because I broke up with your friend?"

"No, you fucked up because you didn't let her explain."

"I didn't want....."

"No you had your chance to talk now it's my turn….If you never forgive me for what I did that’s fine. You are right. I fucked up and I hurt you more than just physically. But right now I’m going to talk and you are going to listen and not interrupt me." Demanded so fiercely that the others were too scared to argue.

"The painting you saw, the one of UNC isn't for you. Ashlyn asked Christen to make it because she wanted to give it to Ali because Ali has been worried about next year and how they are going to be apart. So Ash wanted to give her a painting of her dorm building so that when they talk on the phone or Ali just sees the paining she can picture Ashlyn there...basically the most romantic bullshit ever," she took a moment to appreciate how cute and admirable that couple is, especially in comparison to the mess in front of her right now.

"Well, Christen is also a romantic sap because she knows she has been struggling to vocalize her feelings for you so we figured out it might help her to paint something for you. So she did... she painted a picture of the two of you, I don't know the details of it she said she wanted you to be the only one to see it, but she told me she was going to show it to you as soon as she finished it." She trailed off realizing that none of that was going to happen.

"She doesn't want to go to UNC?" Tobin asked quietly looking at her friend with tears welling up.

"No Tobs, she was going to tell you when she admitted her feelings.....she accepted Stanford's offer as soon as you were offered yours," Allie confirmed, voice calmer now that she knew her friend was going to going to realize the weight of her actions soon.

"She really loves me?" Tobin asked insecurely looking down at her shoes refusing to make eye contact.

"She does....so much," Allie admitted even though she knew the words won't reassure her friend, instead, they will cause her pain.

"I fucked up.....I'm the worst...I'm the fucking worst."

"Tobin it's okay. We'll explain to her that it was a miscommunication. It's Christen so she'll forgive you. Everything will be okay."

"No, you don't understand Lauren. She won't forgive me."

"Oh come on Tobs. Christen is like the most caring compassionate forgiving person ever. She'll understand." Kelley added.

"No you guys don't understand...She told me she loves me and I yelled at her..... she told me she loves me and I didn't believe her..... she begged me to trust her and I fucking broke up with her......I didn't just fuck up, I fucked us up, I fucked her up just like everyone said I would. Just like I promised her I wouldn't....." she interrupted her explanation with a yell of frustration and pain. Followed by her getting off the step and stalked around to the side where there was a bush a grabbed a skateboard from behind it, throwing it onto the ground where it landed with a resounding slap.

"Tobin don't leave...we'll help you figure it out. You can plan out something romantic and you can make everything better with Christen." Lauren caught up to Tobin grabbing her arm and stopping her from riding away.

"I don't deserve to make things better between us. I don't deserve her Lauren. I ruined everything between us the second I didn't let her explain and didn't believe she loves me. And I'll never forgive myself for that...."

"Look Tobin you don't need to run away right now. You should just come to my house and cool down and think more about this. You shouldn't be alone to your thoughts right now."

"Okay," she agreed quietly knowing she will probably need people around her to keep her together because she was falling apart as the weight of her what she had done was truly hitting her.

Kelley, Pinoe, and Lauren immediately moved to Tobin's side. Lauren putting her arm around Tobin's shoulders and guiding her to her car. Kelley gathered her skateboard and followed after the two until she realized the blonde wasn't following them.

"Allie, you coming?" Kelley questioned the girl who was still on the doorstep obviously conflicted about what to do.

Allie wasn't the one who answered the question surprisingly it was Tobin who had spoken up.

"Stay." She whispered out barely audible.

"I don't want you to think I'm picking her over you."

"I know you're not Harry. I’m still angry. I guess I’m still angry with you, but I know you are sorry and I know you love me, but I'm the one who fucked up here and...and she is going to need you. And you should be her friend right now."

"You're sure?" She doubled checked with her friend. And she got a nod in return. "Ilove you, Harry. I promise to take care of her if you promise to take care of yourself."

"I know you will take care of her no matter what." She disagreed before climbing into Lauren’s car. The other two giving her worried looks of their own before climbing in after Tobin and taking off.

As soon as the car was out of the gates Allie stepped into the house. She hesitated for a second in the kitchen trying to figure out where they would be, but then she heard shouting and jogged towards it.

"STOP! CHRISTEN STOP IT!" Allie heard Alyssa shout from down the hallway.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" Christen's voices shrieked back just as Allie reached the open doorway to Christen's art studio where the yelling was coming from.

Allie didn't know what to be more concerned about when she first looked into the room. The first thing she noticed was chaos. The room which is usually bright with light pouring in from the many windows Christen likes having open were drawn shut casting a dark shadow in the room. The wall was covered in paint and not in the usual way Christen likes to decorate, no now there was paint that looked like it had been thrown at the wall and normally there were canvases hung neatly throughout the room, now they seemed to have all been torn off the wall. Some were smashed like they had been thrown to the ground aggressively, others looked as though a knife had gone through them slicing them.

Then Allie seemed to notice what was the cause of the chaos. Christen. She was covered in paint from head to toe, and when Allie moves closer she saw why Alyssa who never raises her voice unless she is on a soccer field was yelling. Christen had an Exacto knife in her hand and was trying to break out of Alyssa's grasp, which was stopping Christen from using the knife on a canvas that was on the easel in front of them. Allie sprung unto action running towards the two other girls, grasping Christen's wrist stopping Christen from moving towards the canvas.

"Chris, stop." Allie pleaded with the girl much more calmly then Alyssa but quickly realized why Alyssa has been so loud. Because Christen whipped her head around to face Allie and Allie was able to see now why Alyssa had raised her voice.

"Fuck off." She growled out. Her jaw set and her eyes swimming in anger.

"Come on Chris, I'm trying to help you here." Allie managed to sputter out as she twisted Christen's hand enough to make her drop the knife, which Alyssa was quick to pick up so Christen couldn't.

But it seems like Christen couldn't care less about the knife and the painting anymore. No, her wild eyes were now focused on Allie. Christen stepped forward and shoved Allie away from her. Not expecting it and since Christen is fueled with anger Allie stumbles backward and loses her footing when something behind her causes her to fall.

Allie immediately feels a sharp pain in her wrist as she fell on it trying to catch herself. She saw Christen hovering over her, and her first reaction was to tense up, expecting Christen to continue her assault instead when no hit came Allie really looked up and noticed the concern that was etched on her friend's face.

The concern seemed to last for only a second because Christen let out a yell of frustration before moving away from Allie, towards a pile of broken canvases. She picked one up a threw it at the wall nearby breaking the canvas and leaving a hole in the wall.

Allie managed to get back up with the help of Alyssa. Once back on her two feet, she decided to ignore the throb in her hand and try talking to Christen again.

"Chris, why are you doing this? You are destroying all your things."

"Because it helps." She muttered out launching another canvas at the wall. Expandingthe hole.

"Causing damage is not helping anything Chris," Alyssa argued joining the conversation because Christen was finally talking.

"It helps me stay angry." She admitted quietly, picking up another canvas but not throwing it this time.

"Why do you want to be angry?" Allie asked this time as both of the girls moved slowly but towards their friend. feeling like they are getting through to her.

Christen looks back at the other two girls who paused once they realized they had been caught. Christen dropped the canvas and walked back towards the canvas that Christen was trying to destroy when Allie had first come in. But instead of trying to destroy it, she slumped down to the floor against the wall in front of it. Staring at it for so long before uttering a word that her two friends were able to move all the way towards her. Each sitting down on either side of her.

"I wanted to stay angry for as long as I could because if I'm angry then I'm not sad.....and I'm scared to let myself be sad.....because I don't know if I will ever be happy again if I let the sadness take over."

Both girls make moves to comfort the girl, whom they both felt their own hearts clench at the sadness and worry in their friend's voice. Allie chose physical, putting her arm around Christen's shoulders pulling her into her side. Alyssa instead used her words to try and make her friend feel better. "Chris, it's okay. Everything is going to be fine."

"Everything is definitely not fine Lys. I destroyed so much, I hurt Allie, and Tobin and I....everything is not fine Lys and I can't see how they ever will be."

"I'm sure it just seems that way right now, nothing can be that bad." Alyssa tried reassuring her.

But Allie, as well as Christen, knew differently.

"Things might actually be that bad," Allie argued remembering Tobin's confidence in how fucked everything is.

Christen looked up at Allie from where she had been resting her head against her chest. "I fucked everything up..." she whispered her lip quivering with the emotion her words produced.

"You didn't fuck up Chris, trust me. I know what happened and it wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault." Allie argued having talked to Tobin and know who is really at fault here.

"You talked to her." It was a question. It was a confirming statement from Alyssa.

"Tell me what happened." She demanded adamantly.

"I already told you Lys. I fucked up."

"That's all you have been saying Chris. Since I found you in here destroying your beautiful paintings...all you keep saying is you fucked up...and just tell me what happened so I can help fix it...so we can help you fix it." Alyssa practically begged.

"Don't you get it, Alyssa. Just like my paintings. You can't just put them back together. The pieces won't go back together again as they did before. They can't be fixed. It can't fucking be fixed...Tobin and I can't be fucking fixed...I can't be fucking fixed." She said the words with so much passion that the others could tell that she really meant those words. And they hated how damaged their friend thought she was.

"You don't need to be fixed, Chris," Alyssa argued, wishing her friend could see how wonderful she was from her perspective.

"Of course I do. Look at this fucking painting in front of us. This painting is evidence of me needing to be fixed." She motioned to the only whole painting that was left directly in front of them.

The painting was of two girls sitting on a balcony. The two girls were obviously Christen and Tobin. Their features were replicated so perfectly down to Christen's slightly frizzy hair and Tobin's crinkles around her eyes when she is using her big smile. They were looking at each other and you could see the happiness in both of their faces. Tobin's famous smile was placed on her face and Christen's eyes seemed to be sparkling just like the stars behind them. Now the night sky behind them was clearly supposed to be the main focus. There were swirls of colors despite it being nighttime. The stars were contrasting the dark sky but they weren't just placed randomly, instead, they were arranged to say "I love you."

"It's so beautiful Chris," Allie admitted having had helped Christen with the idea but never seen the final product.

"I painted all of this like within an hour of being home. But then I kept telling myself it wasn't ready. That it wasn't perfect and it had to perfect before I showed it to her....and then when I couldn't do any more work on it I convinced myself that the moment had to be perfect....because that's where I went wrong the last time....and this is why I fucked it up."

"You just wanted the moment to be right, and that's okay Chris."

"It's not okay. It's the reason I fucked everything up. I ruined what Tobin and I had because I was scared to tell her I love her even though I knew I did and I knew how important it was for her to know. I let my issues get in the way of everything like I usually do. I'm so fucking broken that I take every good thing down with me. "

"You are being a little hard on yourself Chris. Yeah, maybe you should have said it sooner. And maybe you should have been able to say it without using a painting, but Tobin is the one who ruined everything...."

"Can we not talk about Tobin?" Christen interrupted Allie. Pulling away from her body and standing up. "I don't really want to talk about it right now.I think I just want to go get cleaned up." She motioned to her paint-covered body before walking out of the room without hesitation.

The other two girls were shocked at how quickly she left. How quickly her moods were changing. But a few seconds later they scrabble after her. Heading across the hallway, through to Christen's bedroom. Where they found Christen already locked in the bathroom with the shower going and music blaring. Good thing gone by Elle King playing.

The two girls paused listening to the song and the weight of the words being sung.

They both felt their own hearts ache along with the pain their friends must be feeling. They both knew it was not a good sign for Christen to be listening to a song like that.

"So what now?" Allie asked Alyssa not sure what to do since this is not the behavior she was expecting from Christen.

"Don't look at me...I don't even know the full story."

"True...well maybe we can start cleaning up the art studio and I can fill you in."

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan."

The two girls moved back to the other room getting to work immediately. One sweeping and explaining what she knew. The other trying to scrub the paint off the walls and trying to listen without interrupting. By the time Allie finished explaining they had all the broken canvases piled up in and ready to be put in trash bags and one wall clean.

"Things are really bad between them huh?" Alyssa questioned more worried about what to do next now that she knows the full story.

"Tobin really fucked up when she believed that Christen would tell she is leaving her that way and she believed the worse in Christen when she thought Christen would ever say she loves her and wouldn't mean it. Like of all people, Christen knows what those words mean. But all that could have been overlooked if she would have just let her explain. She just broke up with her. And now Tobin knows she fucked up and won't ever forgive herself or let Christen forgive her. And Christen is blaming herself for putting their relationship in that situation to being with. So yeah everything is pretty much fucked."

There was a defying silence as both girls thought about if there any way to make this situation any better. But the silence didn't last long becausewhen there was a bang that echoed from the room across from them. Both girls took off as fast as they could afraid of what they will find on the other side.

They found Christen hair wet and dripping with fresh sweats on, standing over a large trunk that seemed to be what had caused the bang. Upon closer inspection, both girls realized it was practically empty, except for a single large bag that Christen was fishing out.

"Whatcha doing Chris?" Alyssa tried to casually ask despite being confused about what was happening.

"What's it look like I am doing?" She asked an edge back to her voice as she gently placed the bag in her bed and then moving towards her closet. She pulled out a whole drawer dumping it into the now-empty trunk. Throwing it down and then moving to grab the next.

"You're packing."

"Of course I'm packing. I'm putting clothes in a larger container to move. That's packing."

"But why are you packing?"

"Because I'm leaving."

"Chris you can't leave. We graduate in a week." Alyssa reminded her of the obvious.

"Exactly. I'll wait the week for graduation and then I'm gone." She said casually while dumping another drawer like the words she was saying weren't a big deal.

"But we are supposed to be together all summer before we all have to leave for college."

"What's the point? Why stick around for the summer when we all are just going to separate for college and I'll be alone again." She emptiedanother drawer, filling the trunk, and slamming it shut with a bang. "I figured I might as well leave early and try to get used to my new surroundings as early as possible." She said with a casual shrug, moving to grab a suitcase from the top shelf.

"Stop fucking packing," Alyssa said angrily. Moving closer and grabbing Christen, pulling her away from the boxes. "You aren't leaving. And you won't be alone next year."

"Why not? You're going to Penn and Allie is going to UNC and we won't see each other ever again. So what's the point? What's the point of me staying here longer, caring more about you guys just to lose you guys?.... I don't want to lose any more people I care about."

"Chris you're not going to lose us."

"How do you know that? People never stay in touch with their high school friends. And the few people that do it's because they come back to their home city on breaks. I'm not coming back here. My dad is selling the house." She admitted never having told the girls before.

"Oh Chris, this house doesn't matter. You can stay with any and all of the girls on the team. We would love to have you at our houses." Allie insisted knowing she would take Christen in, in a heartbeat.

"But what if we never even make it to breaks, what if as soon as I leave you guys forget about me. You guys have all been in each other's lives for years and you have only known me for not even a year yet. What is as soon as I leave you all to go back to being friends without me?" She asked insecurities shining through.

"Oh, Chris that would never happen..." Allie immediately tried arguing.

"It's happened before. Olivia moved on without me, and we knew each other for years. And every other place I lived I made friends and they said goodbye without a second thought each time I left." Christen argues back.

"Chris, Olivia was fucked up. She wasn't a real friend. And those other people they were temporary, you knew you were leaving and they knew you would always leave. We, the three of us, the rest of the team...we are permanent....we got to know you, Chris, we care about you, we appreciate you, we love you, Chris. So yeah you have only been here for like ten months, but you are one of us. And we don't want to lose you." Allie reassured Christen.

"Yeah, Chris. You know that both Allie and I know what's it like to lose a best friend and we don't want to go through that again and we don't want you to go through that again. Kelly is going to Stanford with you and you know she won't leave you alone for a second if you asked her. Although you might need to download a few more games on your phone to keep her from getting bored." Alyssa joked managing to get a chuckle from Christen before she continued, "We are always going to text each other and you can call and FaceTime me even though I hate it and I promise you will always be my best friend."

Christen embraced her friends, overcome with the gratitude she feels for her friends and the comfort and safety they are promising her. Because when Tobin broke up with her she not only lost Tobin she lost the safety of her whole future. Every plan of getting an apartment together and having someone to come home to every day and having someone to stay with on breaks and just having a granted person in her life who would care about her was gone the second Tobin was. And now, now that she knows that she will at least have these two girls who are in the room with her to care about her she was starting to feel the weight in her chest because while she loves her friends, they weren't Tobin.

She didn't have Tobin anymore.

That thought to swirl around in her head causing her to remove herself from her friends. She felt their stares on her just as she felt the tears that were hot on her cheeks. She walked to her bed where she had placed the bag carefully out of the way. She opened it pulling out a blanket and taking a huge sniff of the smell of it.

The smell bringing her comfort, but also more pain as fresh tears started falling from her face. She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders gripping it in the front trying to tuck herself into it as tight as possible.

"Chris?" Alyssa called out worried and confused.

"It..it was my mom's...I put it in the bag so that it would smell like her for when I really wanted her. So that if I wrap myself tightly in it and close my eyes it's like my mom is hugging me." Her lips trembling as she fought the tears to get her explanation out. "Tobin broke up with me....and I just wish my mom was here to hug me."

The two girls moved to comfort their friend. Moving her to the bed where they sandwiched her in between them in hopes of trying to make her feel better while their own tears were present on their faces.


	38. Part Thirty-Eight

**3rd person PoV**

Ever since Christen allowed herself to finally break down, she hasn't gotten back up.

The first couple of days were really bad. Christen refused to get out of bed, most of the time she was sleeping or just laying in bed. She only ate and drank when Alyssa would force her too. She didn't speak to anyone.

But this was what the girls expected to happen. They knew what sad Christen is like. They knew sad Christen likes to sulk and they also knew she deserves time to sulk. Because what happened was fucked up and she deserves time to feel what she is feeling.

In the next few days, she moved on from just laying in bed at all times to being zombie-like. She went to school when Alyssa told her she had to because it was the last week. She went through the motions, throwing on the first clothes she could find on, letting Alyssa make her breakfast, going to her classes and turning in the bare minimum amount of work in order to still graduate, she sat with the group at lunch, but she didn't talk or laugh or join it at all. Outside of school when Christen wasn't sleeping she would put on headphones turn the volume super high so anyone in the room can hear it and she would start writing or drawing. The girls weren't really sure which because Christen wouldn't let anyone see, in the notebook that she keeps with her at all times.

Again as much as it saddened the girls, this was the behavior they were expecting from Christen. But the thing Alyssa expected least of all was when waking up Friday morning in Christen's bed was not finding Christen in the bed with her.

Panic washed down her body as she jumped out of bed, calling out Christen's name. "Christen!" She checked the bathroom first. Empty. Next art room. Empty.

She tried calling out again, "Christen!"

"I'm in here." Christen's voice chimed happily from down the hallway. This stopped Alyssa in her tracks. Because, for one this whole week Christen hasn't voluntarily gotten out of bed on her own, and two she sounded happy. And Christen has barely shown any emotion this week and when she did, it definitely wasn't happy.

"Lys?" Christen called out in questioning when Alyssa hadn't come into the kitchen yet. But at the mention of her name Alyssa moves towards the kitchen almost afraid of what she is going to find.

What she found was Christen, showered and dressed something that wasn't dirty sweats. There was music softly playing in the background as she was adding some eggs to a pan. but the thing that caught her the most off guard was Christen seemed okay.

"What's happening here?" She questioned not knowing how to proceed.

"I'm making breakfast," Christen confirmed what Alyssa could see while flipping the eggs and moving to the toaster putting in slices of bread.

"Chris you and I both know that's not what I am asking about," Alyssa argued calling Christen out while moving to sit at the counter.

A sigh escaped Christen. She dropped her shoulders for a second while she made quick eye contact with Alyssa, knowing she needs to explain her sudden change in behavior. She grabbed a cup and filled it with coffee and creamer like Alyssa likes it and hands it off to her. Buying some more time she turns back to the eggs, which allows her to talk without having to see Alyssa's reaction.

"Did you ever read The Outsiders?"

"Chris?" Alyssa questioned with a groan. Obviously skeptical at the question and the conversation to come from it.

"I swear it's relevant." Christen promised before continuing, "see in middle school I was assigned to read it and of course, I didn't believe I could so I didn't. So I failed the first pop quiz. And then my teacher made me get a parent's signature on it, so I go home thinking I'm going to get in a lot of trouble. Instead, my mom sees it and without questioning it, picks up the book and drags me to the couch. We cuddle up so I was in between her legs resting on her and she had me read and she would help me when I would get my words mixed up and she would explain things that I didn't get. It ended up being one of the best memories I have with my mom." She paused her explanation, pouring the now cooked eggs onto two plates. Taking a second to just allow herself to relish in the happy memory a little longer before explaining to Alyssa. With a sad smile directed towards her friend who was waiting patiently to hear the rest, she grabbed the toast that had popped up and continued to explain while handing the now full plate of food over to her friend.

"One of the most important parts of the book is when a character tells another character to stay gold...When I read it I was so confused until my mom explained it...,.See stay gold is a reference to Robert Frost's poem where he says nothing gold can stay. She told me that this means that all good things come to an end. That pure and innocent thing won't stay that way. And even though I understood what was happening in the book and what the poem was saying I didn't really get it.

See I couldn't truly understand it because I was still gold. I was still innocent and pure. I believed everything would be okay because everything always did turn out okay then....then I fell in love with my best friend, who didn't love me back and then my mom got sick.... and I wasn't gold anymore.....I had felt pain and sadness and that's what I told my mom. I told her I had finally understood why the character wanted the other character to stay gold because of the world kind of sucks otherwise... It's filled with shitty people and shitty situations and there's no hope for Golden things. And do you know how my mom responded to that?" Christen asked Alyssa a small smirk on her face. Alyssa quick to nod no wanting to see where this was going.

"She told me, of course, there are going to be shitty people and of course we are all going to be put in situations that are fucked up but she was disappointed I said there wasn't any point in golden things......And this confused the fuck out of me because I thought I had finally figured out what nothing gold can stay means....Until sheexplained that yeah maybe life is shitty, but it's also great......Because it's not about focusing on when the good thing ends it's about appreciating the good thing when you have it and being ready for the next good thing to come along.....and so I am up and I'm ready to be happy, to graduate from fucking high school with these great people that I am so grateful are in my life. I'm ready to appreciate this day and all that comes with it because the past may be shitty and I don't know really know what the future holds, but today...today is golden and I'm going to fucking appreciate it...because today is a golden day." She finished with a smile on her face, obviously determined to stay true to her words.

"That's a really great way to look at things Chris...I wish you weren't forced to think this way, I wish life was more golden for you, but I'm so happy that you do think this way. It's what makes you, you and it's that's why so many people get drawn to you. And I hope your future is more golden then your past has been because you deserve happiness, Chris."

The bushy-head girl smiled at her friend with a real smile, knowing her friend really means it and is not just saying it with pity. "Thanks, Lys. I want to be clear though depression isn't just a frame of mind that can be switched on and off." The green-eyed girl didn't want her friend to think getting over depression was as easy as telling yourself to be happy. It took a lot for her to be this way right now. She upped her dosage, she made herself do a grueling workout, she wrote through her feelings.

Her best friend gave her a serious nod. Never one for to many words, but you can tell she was feeling emotional from this talk as she wrapped her friend in a tight hug.

Christen took comfort in the arms of her friend, leering herself to enjoy it before realizing they probably needed to get their day started. "So I was thinking of inviting the girls here to get ready and hang out together before the ceremony, but I figured most probably want to spend time with their family so maybe I can come to get ready with you at your house?" She paused with her question, which was quickly answered with eager nodding, so she continued with her thoughts for the day, "and after the ceremony, we can have a party, well not like a party party like have the girls over and if they want to bring people that fine."

"That sounds great Chris! My mom and grandma would love to have you over to get ready. And my sister is supposed to come and I'm really excited for you to meet her. But are you sure you want to have a party?"

"I want to enjoy today to it's fullest and so I want to be surrounded by people I care about and who care about me and a party is the best way to do that."

"Okay, Chris. Then let's make this a great day." Alyssa says with excitement.

The next few hours passed by in a happy blur for Christen. She Alyssa made their way to Alyssa's house. Her mother and grandmother greeted her with giant hugs. Her twin sister offered to do her hair while telling her embarrassing stories of Alyssa. When the two graduates had their caps and gowns on and were ready they were "forced" to take pictures. When it seemed like the had taken at least 50 different photos each, they piled into cars and headed over to the local college where the ceremony is being held.

The two graduates joined the others as their friends found them immediately. Christen brought out her camera, making sure to take pictures with each and everyone one of her friends. Some of them, like Allie, Alex, and Ashlyn willing and ready for a photoshoot with multiple poses, others like Becky, Alyssa, and Carli took some convincing but posed with the curly-haired girl.

The ceremony was just like every ceremony ever, but Christen enjoyed every second of it. Especially when she would make eye contact with her silly friends like Kelley who made a funny face or Ashlyn who flipped her off jokingly. She loved the cheesy speech the valedictorian made about having the time of her life at this school because somehow she felt the same. She was nervous when she was waiting in line hearing all the families in the crowd cheer for their graduates. And when her favorite teacher, her art teacher calls out her name and not only her teammates, but so many of her classmates who she has shared classes with, ate lunch with, partied with all cheer for her and she never felt more seen and validated then she had at that moment because she wasn't alone. The rest went by to fast to tell and with a light toss of her cap (she picked it back up right away wanting to keep it for as long as possible) and the closing music as they all filled out of the gym.

Outside of the gym was a flurry of people. Graduates trying to find their families. Their families trying to find their graduates. Everyone either on their phones trying to figure out where to meet or have already found them and are hugging, taking pictures, and giving flowers.

And Christen?...well she was standing alone not knowing where she should go. She knew Alyssa told her earlier to meet up with her family, but Christen wanted them to have their own family time. So again..here she alone not sure where to go. Until she heard her name being called from behind her. "Christen?"

She flipped around more confused than a moment ago because standing in front of her is the last person she thought would show up today for her. "What the hell are you doing here?" She questioned outraged.

"It is a big day for you...and ...I...umm...well I thought I'd come to support you."

"Why?" She questioned confused. "Why now? Why do you care about me now?"

"I've always cared about you, Christen."

"Really...you sure you want to stick to that story?"

"Oh come on Christen...I know I'm not the best dad..."

"The best? Ha...you're not even my dad, not really." She told him truthfully. "Can we not do this right now? This is supposed to be a good day."

"I know it is Christen. That's why I'm here and I want to do this now....." He replied trying to keep her from walking away, which was successful so he continued... "I'm sorry. I really am...I know I have been a shitty father....let me take you to dinner?"

"What?" She asked confused about the offer.

"Let me take you to dinner. It's a big night, let's celebrate, we can talk, maybe I can explain and apologize for my behavior."

"I have plans for tonight."

"Well, you have to eat right? I can take you home and cook something there?" He asked her, his tone pleading.

"Okay." She gave in, seeing his sincerity and hopefulness.

The walk to the car was awkward and silent. Both unsure of what to expect and both unsure of how to start talking. It was a silent ride all the way back to the house. Even once they parked and both made it into the kitchen no words had been spoken between them. Christen knew she wasn't going to be the one to start, so she sat on the counter and waited. As soon as he started pulling food out of the fridge he broke the ice.

"I just...I was a stupid teenager when I got your mom pregnant and that's not an excuse for why I wasn't there for you and your mother. Because I don't have an excuse, I was selfish and too ambitious and I didn't want anything standing in my way and I thought you would so I left.....and it is my biggest regret and I will never forgive myself for it.." he paused stopping for the first time to look at his daughter for the first time since he started to talk. And yet he found himself surprised at the lack of anger in her face so he continued.

"I lost your mother and so I threw myself into work but it was never the same.... and when your mother contacted me again telling me she was sick and that you needed me I dropped everything... being there for you mother was tough...you and I both know that...and...and it was tougher after your mother was gone...because suddenly I lost her all of again..."

"You should have been there from the beginning! I didn't have to lose my entire world if you would have been there from the beginning." She interrupted not believing he blames her mom's death on his lack of being a father.

"I know, Chris. I know and I'm sorry."

"Saying sorry doesn't solve anything. Besides what's your excuse now? You still haven't been here. You still are never there for me." She quickly rejected his apologies knowing that even if he means them it doesn't change anything.

"I'm here now."

"That's not enough...I lost everything when mom died...I lost my home, I lost my friends, I lost my mom the only family I had and you didn't even try to be there for me!" Her frustration at him coming out in full. She felt her heart hammering and tears were starting to fill her eyes, but not because she is sad, but because of how angry she is.

The man also knew that he wasn't talking about the situation right by the anger he was receiving. He took a minute to focus on the food instead, trying to give them both time to get their emotions and thoughts in check. When he felt they were both ready he placed a bowl of pasta in front of them both and began again trying to explain his side of things.

"You're right. You had lost everything and I wasn't there for you...But I had lost your mom too Chris.....I lost the love of my life twice...and then suddenly I had you, you who reminds me so much of your mom. Don't you get that? You are the reminder of everything I lost. Can't you see why that is hard for me?"

"That's all I am to you? Just a reminder of her?" She asked feeling smaller than she had in a long time at just the thought that her father didn't really care about her at all, he just liked her because she is a connection to her mom.

"At first yes...You are so much like your mother, you talk like her, your eyes are the same, the way you smile is identical and when I saw you I always were reminded of her and I how much I let her down."

"Why are you here now? Did you come today just to tell me these things? To ruin my day?" She questioned him, feeling her voice breaking at points because of how disappointed she is feeling in how this conversation turned out.

"No, I came today to make things right. I realized that I was still being selfish and that's not fair to you...I saw you as a negative reminder of your mom, but you are so much more than that and I want to get to know you and I want to be there for you as long as you let me, I promise I'll be better. I promise I'll be the dad you deserve."

"You can't just say things like that. How am I supposed to believe you?"

"I don't expect you to.....you will just have to wait and see." The man said trying to put as much sincerity in his voice as possible because he knows from now on he is going to be the family she deserves because he hates how much hurt he has and is causing her.

"I hope what you are saying is true...I want...I want you in my life. I have always wanted that. But I have to ask why now? What made you show up today?"

"Well, I was in town. I head a meeting here this morning. Completely unaware you were graduating today. And then when I stopped by home earlier I ran into Tobin."

"Tobin was at our house?" Christen interrupted bewildered, she hasn't heard or seen Tobin since the breakup.

"Yeah, she was writing something. I don't think she was expecting me because she seemed scared to be there, but doesn't she live there with you?"

"She did."

"Did?"

"We...ummm...we broke up recently."

"Well, that explains things."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I saw her earlier today and she looked like I caught her doing something she shouldn't be and then she yelled at me."

"She yelled at you?"

"Well more like scolded me and not for the first time either...she told me I was making a mistake...that I would regret not being there for you...that I would regret leaving you alone on a special day like today and the future as well and of course she was right. She helped me see how shitty I was being to you and well so here I am.....she really cares for you, why did you guys break up?"

"Why do you care anyway? You never liked her." Christen retorted trying to shift the conversation. Not wanting to think about Tobin is responsible for what could be a positive shift in her and her father's relationship.

"Maybe I didn't like her before. I can't argue that, but that's because I saw too much of myself in her. But she's proved me wrong time and time again. She's a way better person than I will ever be. I mean who yells at their girlfriend's dad not once but twice because they felt I should be better."

"Tobin does have some very good qualities."

"But?"

"But she also has some bad ones?"

"Like bad enough that you broke up with her because of them?"

"Like bad enough that we both ended up hurting each other because we both are a little fucked up."

"So it was both of your faults?"

"Probably mine more than hers, although she definitely didn't help the situation."

"And that's it? You guys are done forever? You don't care about her anymore?"

"No, of course, I care about her still. And I want to be with her."

"Then why isn't she here?"

"Because it's not that simple. You know relationships aren't simple."

"Relationships aren't simple, but love can be as long as you allow it. Take it from me. Don't throw love away because you are scared."

"Thanks, Dad." Christen moved around the counter and gave her dad a hug. He tightened his hold on her for a second longer before releasing her.

"Well, I have intruded on your night enough. I'll let you have fun with your friends." He kissed the top of her head and moved towards the garage door. "Have a good time, stay safe. I'll stay at a hotel tonight, but would you maybe want to have lunch together tomorrow?"

"I would really love that." Christen agreed. "Hey, dad...before you go where was Tobin when you saw her earlier?"

"You maybe want to check your room." He responded giving her what she could only read as a sad sort of smile before he walked out.

She wasn't really sure what to expect to find in her room. Something bad? Like would all of Tobin's stuff, the random flip flops, the mini soccer balls, books on topics she can't even pronounce, be gone?

When she first looked into her room she let out a breath of relief because all of Tobin's stuff was still there. Surprisingly, to her though was the few new additions on her desk. The easiest to see was a vase full of a mixture of her favorite flowers, paintbrushes, and little graduation caps on them. And upon closer inspection, she saw a present wrapped leaning against it with a card stuck to it. It said: read me before opening.

If anyone else was in the room they would have seen how shaky her hand was when reaching for the card. Afraid of what it would say because she knew that these could only be from one person. Tobin.

She opens the envelope slower and with more caution than she has ever done before. And when she pulled out the card it wasn't a card at all. It was a letter.

Chris,

This was supposed to be different. I wasn't supposed to be writing this letter. I was supposed to be there to hand you the flowers and present. I was supposed to be there watching you blush because you don't like the attention. And I was supposed to tell you, you are never more pretty than when you are blushing. When I realized that wasn't going to happen I thought I should just get rid of this stuff. That it would no longer bring you joy, instead you might feel sadness or anger or maybe both?

I'm going to leave that decision up to you. If you want to throw it away before seeing what it is, I'd understand. If you want to open it and then throw it away fine. But I hope that just maybe you'll keep it. Because I may have fucked up our present and future, but I hope you can remember the good times we had.

I'm not going to beg for your forgives for I don't deserve it. I won't drown you in my apologies, although I am sorry for how I have hurt you. More sorry than for anything I have ever done wrong in the past combined. I love you. I will always love you.

You can open the present now there's another explanation in there.

Christen through her tears which are blurring her vision and how shaky her hands are managed to unwrap the gift. Under the paper was a shadow box. On top of the shadow box was another letter like Tobin said.

Happy Graduation Day! You are the strongest, talented, smartest, hardest working girl in the whole universe and I am so proud to have had you in my life. I was hoping to make this for myself that one day it would exist in our shared space reminding of the journey of our relationship. Now, I want you to have because I don't think I deserve any part of our relationship anymore. I don't deserve any part of you anymore. But maybe just maybe some part of you if not now than in the future will want to remember us as more than how we ended.

The first thing in the shadow box a piece of homework I was working on the first time I saw you. I was doing some homework and you walked right past me on your way to the soccer field on your first day. You were so beautiful that my mind just stopped working.

The piece of paper had a serious math equation written down obviously in Tobin's handwriting. The problem was worked a few steps until it is one number isn't finished and a bunch of it was scratched out.

I couldn't even get myself to focus after that because you just kept popping back in my head until I couldn't even believe myself. You had to have been part of my imagination because no one can be that pretty. So I followed you to the soccer field to see if you were real. And somehow you were.

The next thing in the shadow box are lyrics to the song that came on when I was watching the first scrimmage you had with the team.

"You're just too good to be true

I can't take my eyes off you

You'd be like heaven to touch

I wanna hold you so much

At long last love has arrived

And I thank God I'm alive

You're just too good to be true

Can't take my eyes off you

Pardon the way that I stare

There's nothing else to compare

The sight of you leaves me weak

There are no words left to speak

But if you feel like I feel

Please let me know that is real

You're just too good to be true

I can't take my eyes off you

I love you baby

And if it's quite all right

I need you baby

To warm the lonely nights

I love you baby

Trust in me when I say

Oh pretty baby

Don't bring me down I pray

Oh pretty baby

Now that I've found you stay

And let me love you, baby

Let me love you"

It was weird that this song came in because I had thought I didn't have any romantics songs on my iPod anymore. I swore off of them after Alex and yet this song pop on out of nowhere. I wish I written this song for you. It feels like I did because the words couldn't be more perfect for how I felt at that moment and the whole time I got to be with you.

Next is the business card from the animal shelter I took you to on our first date. It's where we first admitted we had feelings for each other and where we had our first kiss.

There's also a flower from the diner wheresomehow I convinced you to give me a shot and be with me. Next are the tickets to each college trip we went on.

Nexta picture of us when we went to Stanford. It's where I first told you I love you and it's where we first made love. And it's where I thought we were going to be for at least the next years of our lives.

The last thing is the room key from the hotel we stayed in the day after your father's awful party. That next day was the best day of my life. Just cuddling and talking with you the whole day was perfect. And when we sat out on the balcony, that moment of us together will always be burned into my memory.

I wish I was the person you believed me to be. I wish I wasn't the person everyone thought I would be. I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you Christen Press.

Yours forever,

Tobin

Christen was feeling at least a hundred different emotions at a time. She didn't know whether she should be smiling at the happy memories, angry because of what happened, confused because it seemed to be a goodbye, lonely because Tobin wasn't there to give it to her in person, or of course sad. She didn't know what to do or which one of these emotions she was feeling the most. All she knew was she couldn't move. She couldn't move away from the shadow box and she didn't know how long she was stuck there.

But then she came back to reality was when she felt two arms wrap around her from behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment. Give a kudos. Thank you for reading. I never thought anyone would want to read what I write.


	39. Part Thirty-Nine

"Chris, you okay?" The person who had their arms wrapped around her asked her obviously worried.

"I...umm..it's...present." She managed to stutter out an answer. The arms that were wrapped around her immediately let go and reached towards the shadow box and then towards the letter. "Please don't read it...I don't want anyone else to read it."

"Okay, Chris I don't have to read it...Are you okay though?"

"I don't know." She mumbled, turning away from everything on her desk for the first time trying to get her thoughts back in order.

"Chris, people are coming over soon. Tell me you don't want that still and I make sure everyone turns back around." Alyssa spoke up already pulling out her phone to call the party off.

"No no no. Don't do that. I want people to come. I want to celebrate tonight."

"Are you sure? You don't seem okay?"

"I'm feeling a lot of things and I need to process it, but not right now. Nothing is going to change immediately. So let's celebrate. Can you just make sure everything is set up while I get ready...I just need a moment to myself." The curly-haired girl tried reassuring her friend and herself.

It took Christen longer than she thought to put herself back together. She ended up just taking a shower, which helped her come back to reality. She put on the new outfit that she picked earlier. Putting on some simple makeup and with a quick pep talk to herself, she headed down the hallway towards the noise.

She passed a few couples doing some inappropriate things in the hallway and was met with huge amounts of plastic cups spewed everywhere. The music was too loud as she can feel it pounding around her. There were obviously more people here than what she planned but she couldn't really get herself to care. She was happy people were having a good time. Although at first glance she noticed that none of her team members where anywhere to be found.

So she went looking and despite there being what seemed like her whole graduation class in her house she found her team members in the theatre room. The ones who had a cap and gown on today and the ones who didn't were all there. They were all talking, joking around, and sharing with each other. And the sight of it made her pause and appreciate all of what is in front of her. Because in front of her is her family. The people who she knows will be in her life even though they seem to be splitting up soon. As cliche as it sounds, she feels the happiness filling her heart because even a year ago when Christen would picture her future she didn't know if she would graduate, she didn't know anyone would even care if she did, but now, now she has a whole room full of people who do care.

Except she missing a very important person. And it's not just her. She knows that she can't be the only one who is missing her. In fact, she locks eyes with a certain blonde who she knows is missing Tobin. She smiled at me waving me to join her, but I motioned instead for her to come to me because tonight is about celebrating and everyone should be here.

When she made it to me I pulled her out of the room and into the pantry that holds all the extra snacks for the theater.

"Everything okay Chris?" Allie asked obviously concerned with how her friend is doing.

Christen ignored her friend's question, instead, she asked her own, "Has she been staying with you?"

"Well, umm..." Allie immediately looked down as if ashamed.

"I'm not asking because I am mad Al. She's your best friend you should be there for her. I'm asking because I want to know where she is."

“After what happened with you guys I have given her space. She wasn’t ready to forgive. I think she was staying with Lauren. I don't know where she is exactly. She came to graduation, but she didn't think you would want her here...Did you? Want her here?"

"I didn't before...I was...am..still angry..but she stopped by earlier and left a gift for me and I need to talk to her about it."

"What was it, Chris?"

"She... it doesn't matter what it was I need to talk to her about what it means."

"Chris, what is going on?"

"Please Allie, I just need to find her."

"I don't know much, but I want to help you... All I know is when I invited her here tonight she said she needed to think things over and wanted to do it alone tonight."

"Okay, thanks, Al." The curly-haired girl turned to walk away. But the blonde grabbed her arm stopping her.

"Where are you going? This is your party. You can't just leave. I thought you wanted to celebrate tonight."

"I do...That's why I need to find her." She explained. "Just give me an hour. I just..I

will be back in an hour." The blonde knew, looking at her friend that there is no arguing with her so she let her friend go.

.

.

.

Christen was confident she could find Tobin. She knew that when Tobin wanted to be alone she likes to be outside. Someplace where it's quiet, where not a lot of people will be able to disturb her.

Which leaves two options.

The diner roof. Which a quick stop and talk with Beth, Christen headed to the second place she could be.

The soccer field at school.

And she noticed as soon as she pulled in to the parking lot she noticed a figure lying in the center of the field. Just the sight of her sent nervous shivers down her body and continued to make her hands tremor as she turns the car off. She knew based on the churning in her stomach and the shaking of her hands, she needed something to get her through the conversation she about to have. So she reached in the back seat and grabbed her soccer ball and headed towards the field and the girl.

As she got closer she didn't know if Tobin was asleep or just thinking, but her eyes were closed and she didn't seem to hear her coming. Not knowing how to start a conversation, she put the ball down on the ground and kicked it towards the other girl and it rolled softly up to her bumping her slightly and causing her to slowly sit up and make eye contact with the curly-haired girl.

When the dirty blonde saw who was in front of her she couldn't believe it. And then before she knew it she was standing up and walking towards her. But the curly-haired girl put up her hand telling her to stop and motioned instead to the ball. Tobin took that as her cue to kick the ball back towards her choosing instead to just wait for her to say anything.

"Thanks for whatever you said to my dad. He showed up today because of you and we finally cleared the air between us...I think he's going to stick around this time." The darker haired girl started talking sticking to the easy conversation first.

"I didn't do much. I just told him to get his head out of his ass...You deserve a family Chris."

They kept passing the ball a few more times. Each throwing in a move here and there before Christen found the courage to talk again.

"So that's it between us? You're just done with me?" She asked so timidly that Tobin wasn't even sure she heard her correctly.

"What?" The dirty-blonde asked the other girl both confused and outraged at the question she posed towards her.

"I got the present and the letter, Tobs. Why would you say goodbye to me like that? You made it sound like I'm the one who's giving up." She managed to say through the tears that were starting to fall and her now trembling lip. Express her hurt for the first time out loud. Emotions finally flooding her demeanor.

"Chris, I didn't mean to.," Tobin admitted heart-broken that she still was hurting the other girl.

"Tobin, you are the one who broke up with me... And I know I fucked up, the whole time we were together I didn't communicate properly with you, but I didn't think you would just give up...This whole week I hear nothing from you and then today I get the sweetest most romantic gift from you except to only find out you gave it to me as a goodbye and not as an apology. Telling me it's okay if I threw it out. What the fuck is that? Why aren't you fighting for us?"

"Chris...I didn't think... I didn't think you'd want me to fight for you......I hurt you, Chris...I fucked up and hurt you..like I promised I wouldn't....and I don't deserve you." Tobin responded explaining her actions and thoughts equally as emotional as the girl standing across from her.

"See that's the thing Tobs we keep going in circles, you think you fucked up, I think I'm the one who fucked up and it goes round and round," Christen argued without much enthusiasm, instead she moved towards Tobin, grabbing her hand and motioning her to lay down next to her. Choosing not to release her hand, instead, she grabbed her hand intertwining their fingers.

"Chris I don't know what you want me to do? Just tell me what you want and I'll do it." The dirty blonde pleaded with the other girl scared and unsure of Christen's calm demeanor.

"Do you remember what I said when you found me on top of the diner roof?" She asked Tobin after taking some time to collect her thoughts.

"I..uhh...I..." She stumbled, usually have no problem with her memories but she knew she didn't remember because all she could remember then was trying to fix what she broke the night before when she fucked up at that party.

"It's okay if you don't." Christen assured the other girl, " I don't remember everything you said, but I remember what I said because its why I was up there in the first place...." Christen paused again trying to figure out how to express her thoughts and how she is feeling. "I asked you that first time you stayed over my house about religion and about if you believe in God. I asked you this because at that point I really didn't believe because so much had happened to me there couldn't be a god. To me all there was and is, is the universe. There are no good or bad signs, no good or bad karma all there is is the universe forcing whatever the fuck it wants on people. Time and time again you would show me the good, tutoring me, helping me with soccer, making me happy for the first time since I can remember. And then the universe would show me the bad, would show me the bad parts of you. It was telling me to stay away again and again and again. And that day after the party, I was finally going to listen to the universe. I was going to stay away from you because that seemed like what the universe wanted. And even though I didn't agree with it I was going to listen because it's less painful when you listen to the universe." Christen nodded along with her own words.

"I was so scared of you then. Still, am. I knew how much you meant to me already. How much power and influence you had over me and the last time people mattered to me that much was my mom and Olivia... And I know that it was unfair of me to compare you to them but I couldn't help it I still can't help it... At that point, you hadn't really given me anything to hope that you could be different...that you would stick around...that I could count on you to not hurt me...but somehow you convinced...you convinced me that the universe was wrong. That everything that had happened...everything keeping us apart didn't matter..."

"Chris...I meant what I said. I thought I could be good enough for you...I thought I could be the person you deserved..." Tobin tried to explain, but having a tough time getting her words out because of the tears.

Christen choosing to let go of Tobin's hand for the first time since they laid down together so that she could roll over on her side to look right into the hazel eyes she loves so much and wipe the tears from them. "I know you did...I believe you too. I'm upset that I believed that was enough...that after everything I have been through I didn't listen to the universe, because I think for once all the bad things that had kept us apart, it wasn't the universe just uselessly shitting on my life... I think everything that was keeping us from getting together was happening to stop this..." The curly-haired girl motioned between her and the other girl.

"The universe was trying to warn me, warn us. It was trying to stop us from hurting each other more. Like maybe it was trying to look out for us.... because now... Because as of right now, I wish that when I look at you I wish all I could feel and think about is how much I care about you. But now every time I look at you I remember you saying you don't believe when I say I love you. I remember you breaking up with me and leaving like it was nothing. Like I was nothing. And even though I wish I didn’t, but I do and I don't know how to move past that no matter how much I want to."

"So that's it between us? We really are done? Forever?" Tobin asked timidly, her lip trembling.

"The whole time we were together we both were focused on each other and not hurting each other, but neither of us took the time to reflect on ourselves.I have been thinking about us last week. And after I got over all of my initial feelings about what happened to us, it allowed me to finally reflect on myself and you too. I wasn't really happy with what I figured out. Because let's face it we both have issues. You have trust issues and I have trust issues, we both have abandonment issues. I have a communication problem, you are too quick to assume the worst in people. These issues have caused us both to hurt each other and I don't want to hurt you anymore and I don't want to feel like I'm not whole anymore. I think part of me rushed to be with you because you made me feel whole."

"Are you saying you just used me, to feel better about yourself?" Tobin asked interrupting, obviously upset about what the other girl was saying to her.

"Of course I'm not saying that Tobin...You are so important and special to me," she assured her, "I'm saying only you could make me so happy that I forgot about all these other things that make me feel like shit. But it's not enough Tobin. Us just being together and taking all the happy we make each other and ignoring the bad. It's not good for either of us. So I think we need to take some time for ourselves because as much as I don't want to use a line on you it really sums up my feelings and thoughts right not...We can't be part of a two until we are a whole one."

Tobin gave Christen a sad smile. Rolling onto her back instead of her side. "I really wish you weren't making sense right now." The dirty blonde admitted knowing the other girl was right. No matter how much they care about each other it's not time for them to be together yet.

Christen copied the other girl's movement, rolling onto her back, but reaching down and clasping the other girl's hand in hers. "I wish I wasn't either."

"So what now? You just want to be friends?"

"I think, for now, that's probably for the best...I mean in my head I would rather take some time apart right now so we can be together in the future... We have our whole lives still ahead of us. That being said I still want you in my life now Tobs, maybe it's selfish and feel free to say no here, but we both need to be seeing a therapist and I can't imagine working through my past and all my issues, being able to come home to you, even if it's just as friends. I want you there in my life to support me."

"Of course Christen. I'll always be there for you in any form you want me to be.” Tobin promised to roll back towards the girl and pulling their intertwined hands towards her so she could kiss the other girl's hand.

Christen followed suit, turning to be on her side in order to look at the other girl. "I love you. I wish I was saying it to you like this, like a goodbye of sorts, but I just want you to know that I am in love with you Tobin Heath. "

"I love you Christen Press." She leaned in and kissed her cheek and when she pulled back she saw a smile on her face, which she couldn't help reciprocate despite the situation.

Christen rolled over and got to her feet, pulling the other girl up to hers. "Come on, we have a party to attend to."


	40. Part Forty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it people, the last chapter. The Happy Ending everyone has wanted.

At first, it was difficult for both of the girls.

It was hard right away. It was difficult for the girls to once again leave their little bubble and get back to the real world. It especially was difficult to get up off the field, where the met, became friends and started to fall in love with each other and head to a party to have fun when they both were scared about losing each other for good.

Yet, they learned that just because they were taking a break from each other doesn't mean they don't have things to celebrate. They both have graduated from high school. They both have schools that have accepted them for next year.

And even though they managed to have a good night that night didn't mean it got better for both of them right away.

It was difficult for Christen when she would hear from her coaches for both the national team and from college and immediately want to tell Tobin and then the inevitable loneliness when she realizes she is the one who wants space.

She learned that just because she didn't have Tobin, at least for right now, didn't mean she didn't have anybody. She learned to be more open and honest with her friends and not only open up when they ask her questions but to take initiative and express herself to them on her own.

It was difficult for Tobin when the day would be coming to a close and the fear of not having somewhere to sleep crept in. Christen told her she could still live in her house, but Tobin knew they needed more space for right now.

In the beginning, it was scary, she was worried about what bad habits she would fall into, and she was worried because again Tobin didn’t have Allie and Alex, who she realized that she wasn’t ready to forgive. But she never had to find out what would happen without because every night she'd have multiple offers from Lauren, Kelley, Ali, Ash, and surprisingly Alyssa, who Tobin was sure was doing it only because Chris asked her to. And eventually, she learned that just because she didn't have one house to return to doesn't mean she doesn't have a home. Because whenever she was with people who cared for her she felt like she was home.

It was difficult for Christen when she misses her mom so much and she misses talking to Tobin because Tobin was able to relate about missing parents. But she learned that she could actually talk to someone who knew her mom and she had never been able to do that before.

Her dad stuck to his word and was there supporting her. She learned that he wanted to be involved in her life whether that was traveling with her for soccer or making sure she was setting everything up with her school. But the main thing was she gained a parent, and part of her even felt like she gained some of her mom back to because her dad was able to tell her things about her mom that she had never known before.

It was hard for both girls when they would each finish a therapy session and want nothing more than each other to hold each other and just be there for each other, but they knew part of this therapy was them learning how to be independent and not rely on each other for everything.

They learned that just because they couldn't be so dependent on each other anymore didn't mean they couldn't lean on each other. Christen would often find a flower in the kitchen after her sessions. Every time it was a new flower and she would find a piece of paper asking her to rate how much she likes it. It kept going until she would find bouquets with all her favorites. Tobin would often find random little doodles in even more random and impossible places. On her longboard, her favorite soccer ball, in her pants pocket, in the covers of the current book, she was reading. Every single one of them was a surprise and Tobin can't for the life of her figure out how Christen did them without her ever see them being done, but every single one of them put a ridiculous smile on her face.

And even though they were surviving, they still missed each other, they still needed each other, and they still wanted each other. Especially as time went along and their lives started to move forward. When they both had to take steps towards their future they couldn't help but feel the sadness of not being able to do it together.

It was difficult when summer coming to a close and they had to make decisions on their living situation in college. As much as they wished they could live together they knew that they probably shouldn't. And it hurts both of them knowing that just months ago they both were planning on sharing a home. So Tobin decided she would room with Kelly. Christen somehow, meaning her dad probably paid someone, has her own room even though she is a freshman.

It was difficult seeing each other at orientation and they really just wanted to gravitate towards each other, Christen wanting Tobin with her to help break the ice with strangers. Tobin wanting Christen with her to help her pay attention to the information that was being given by the leaders.

They both realized they didn't have to lean on each other. Christen made new friends and Tobin managed to pay enough attention to the directions her leader gave for her not get lost.

Then things started to get easier. Christen started to have fewer days where she just wanted to curl up in her bed all day. Tobin felt less anxiety at relying on other people because she now had her own space and resources.

And after things got better for them individually, things started to get easier for them together.

When they saw each other in the hall, they didn't give each other sad smiles and walk away. Instead, it started with a happy smile, and that lead to casual heys and they started to ask how each other were doing, and then it leads them to talk with each other and before they both knew it they were hanging out with each other.

Once they became friends again, their relationship just took off. At soccer practice, they were constantly paring up and staying after together. They tended to take their mandatory study hours together, falling back into old patterns where Tobin would help out Christen when she started to get frustrated, Christen making sure Tobin finishes all she is assigned.

The more time they spent together in "professional" settings led to more time spent in more casual settings. Lunches with groups, where they tended to always sit next to each other, bus buddies, walking each other to classes and practice, taco Tuesday's.

And then before they even realized it themselves the lunches with groups turned into lunches with just the two of them. Bus buddies turned into spending all of the game days together, listening to music, getting coffee in the morning, taking naps. When they walked to around campus they held hands and when they got to their destination and had to the part they would only part with a probably longer than necessary hugs and a lingering kisses on the check. And since one taco Tuesday night ended in their first kiss since being broken up taco Tuesdays were also now known as a date night.

Then things weren't hard any more.

It wasn't difficult anymore for Christen to trust Tobin. Christen realized that whenever she would see Tobin doing something that would have caused her to doubt her before, like talking to other girls at parties, not responding to text right away, being late to things, she didn't have the thoughts that Tobin was cheating on her or that Tobin was just with her because she wanted things from her.

For Tobin is wasn't difficult to trust that Christen actually cared for her. She didn't have the thoughts that Christen just wanted to be with her because they had a physical attraction. She never once doubted Christen when she would keep quiet about her feelings knowing that when she is ready Tobin is the first person she comes to.

When the last of their first finals ever was over, Christen asked if Tobin wanted to go back to their home together for Christmas, which Tobin excitedly accepted. And Tobin immediately asking Christen if they can be girlfriends again. To which Christen responded with a kiss, tears, and a shaky but happy yes.

So six months after their break up, Tobin and Christen found themselves back in the town they first met for Christmas break. It was Christmas eve and Christen invited all the girls over her house. They did a white elephant, baked cookies, made gingerbread houses, all of which started off light and fun, turned into all-out competitions, and usually ended with everyone laughing.

Christen spent the day overwhelmed by happiness. She was constantly having to just pause, look around the room, and just appreciate everything going now and how her life has evolved from just a year ago. She is happy that after months apart everyone was able to get back together and it feels as natural and comfortable as it did before. She's happy that come tomorrow, Christmas day, she'll wake up and have a parent in the house to spend the day with. Christen was immensely grateful for everyone and everything in her life.

Most of all though Christen felt grateful for Tobin. As soon as the door closed on the last girl, and she felt a hand slip into her and pull her to the couch. The dirty blonde immediately fell back onto laying across the whole thing, pulling Christen to lay on top of her where Christen had absolutely no problem being.

Christen looking down at her adorable girlfriend was once again overwhelmed but the happiness in her heart. She gently pushed Tobin hair to the side, moving down her face, tracing her eyebrows, cheekbones, and finally, her lips feeling ever so grateful and amazed at her girlfriend's beauty. She couldn't help herself and plant a sweet kiss on her lips, only pulling back when she felt the need to talk.

"I'm so happy with everything that happened today and I'm so happy that we are better individuals and I'm sorry it took so long for us to get back to this point in our relationship, " she admitted with a sad smile.

"Are you kidding me, Chris? You made the decision that better us both, even if we would have never gotten back to this I could never be mad at you. You are the only reason I'm not damaged any more and I'll spend forever making sure I never cause you more damage, " She promised the curly-haired girl sealing it with a kiss, which she almost immediately interrupted with a cheesy but nervous line, "Plus this just means I got to fall in love with you twice."

"You love me?" Christen questioned, not because she was insecure about the realness if their relationship like she was six months ago, but because she wanted to hear it again.

"I am one hundred percent, wholeheartedly in love with you Christen Press," Tobin admitted fully confident.

"I'm in love with you too, Tobin Heath," Christen said with as much certainty as she could muster.

"Yeah?" Tobin teases with a blinding smile.

"Yeah, " Christen answered with her own beaming smile.

.

.

.

ABOUT 4 YEARS LATER

.

.

.

The party seemed never-ending. At least it felt that way to Christen, but not because she wasn't having a good time. She was. I mean how could she not be. She was currently in a bar encircled by friends from high school, college, national team, new teammates, and random people that she and Tobin have met in the last four years. They graduated from college, from Stanford, something she never thought would happen. She's been on the national team for the last three years with her girlfriend as well as some of her current and past teammates.

And tonight they are all celebrating all of that, but also more. Just last week Christen and Tobin both got drafted to play in Portland together. Which is where they were in a bar close to their new apartment near the stadium in Portland. It was arelief for both of them to be drafted to go to the same place because they couldn't imagine not being together after always being together for the last three years. Especially with what Christen has been planning for tonight.

Which by the noise that was coming off the stage, aka the ending of her favorite song Tobin's band plays, it was time to set her plan in motion. So Christen made her way away from the bar and towards the stage and when Tobin finished the last chorus and put her guitar down and jumped off the stage and practically into Christen's arms.

Neither one is sure who initiated it but their lips were connected and when Christen felt Tobin's tongue swipe against her lip she knew she separate or she would get too distracted and chicken out. So she pulled far enough back to whisper in the dirty blonde's ear, "follow me."

They intertwined their hands automatically and weaved through the crowd out the side door. They ended up in the side alley, which Tobin thought was their final destination and she tugged Christen's hand back and pinned her against the wall. Tobin pushed her body against the other girl automatically slipping her leg in between the other girl’s. Her hands wrapping around her waist slipping down to grab her ass. She tried to lean in and kiss her girlfriend, but Christen turned to the side so her lips landed on her cheek instead.

"Tobs, " Christen giggled out.

"What?" Tobin asked pulling back to show her confused face.

"This isn't where I was taking you." Christen managed to get out as she was still laughing at her girlfriend who was still trying to land a kiss on her lips.

"Isn't this better than anywhere you were taking me?" She questioned back, managing to land a kiss on her lips.

"We have all night to make-out…" Christen tried to get back on track, but her girlfriend ever distracting as ever.

"I want to do more than make-out." She interrupted with her classic naughty smirk.

"We can do more than make-out, tonight when we get home," Christen promised her through her smile at her girlfriend's childish antics.

"Fine." she agreed grumbling, unpinning Christen from the wall.

Christen interlinked their hands once again, bring Tobin's hand to her mouth and kissing it, "ill make it up to you I promise."

They only walked up to the alley onto the street to a building across the street. Christen fumbled in her purse long enough, for Tobin to get suspicious of what was going on. But finally, she found the keys to unlock the door.

"Chris, where are we?"

Christen ignored the question until she got the door open. "My dad got a little excited about us coming to Portland. He wanted to give this whole building to me outright, but I told him it was too much. Of course, he wouldn't take no for an answer, but I have some ideas for this place." Christen explained while trying to find the lights along the wall. Flipping them on. Illuminating a whole empty art gallery.

"I figured there is plenty of artist here who need a place to display their artwork for free and look.."

Christen pulled her girlfriend through the empty walls and down a hallway. There are open door was on the right and left of the hallway. Christen dragged her into the right doorway flipping on another light, to show a medium-size room. "I figure we can use this room to teach art to kids. And there’s another across the hall, you can use that as a music room. So what do you think?" Christen turned towards the other girl, just realizing she hasn't said anything yet.

"This...Chris...you are going to help so many people."

"Oh come on Tobs."

"No I'm serious Chris, you are going to affect so many people's lives and make a difference in this community and we have barely even moved here. You are going to inspire so many people on and off the field and I'm so proud that I get to be the one by your side through it all."

Christen couldn't help herself after the speech Tobin just made. She connected their lips in a fierce kiss, overcome with love for this girl. Definitely no longer nervous about what she has planned next.

"I'm glad we are on the same page then," Christen said before once again taking Tobin's hand and pulling her down the hallway to the door at the end of it. "Go ahead, open it." She motioned.

The dirty blonde opened the door to another workroom. Though this room wasn't empty, no it smelt of fresh paint and it was obvious why because hanging on the wall directly across from the door was five paintings.

"Start on the left." Christen murmured from behind Tobin.

So Tobin made her way to the first painting. She immediately recognized it. It was a painting of the high school field. She could see all the small details like the shed she used to sleep in, Larry the lawnmower, the equipment container. Everything was in perfectly accurate detail, but the centerpiece was of the two figures that were obviously her and Christen laying on the sideline, under the tree with their textbooks open and soccer balls scattered all around.

"Its where I first fell in love with you. You just fell into my life, with your flashy soccer skills, amazing intelligence, and cheesy grin and I fell for you hard before I even knew what happened."

Tobin could already feel the emotional tears slide down her face knowing the emotional was just getting started. "Chris..."

"Just keep moving honey." Christen, interrupted her. So Tobin moved onto the second painting which she identified immediately without having even seen it before.

The painting was of two girls sitting on a balcony. The two girls were obviously Christen and Tobin. Their features were replicated so perfectly down to Christen's slightly frizzy hair and Tobin's crinkles around her eyes when she is using her big smile. They were looking at each other and you could see the happiness in both of their faces. Tobin's famous smile was placed on her face and Christen's eyes seemed to be sparkling just like the stars behind them. Now the night sky behind them was clearly supposed to be the main focus. There were swirls of colors despite it being nighttime. The stars were contrasting the dark sky but they weren't just placed randomly, instead, they were arranged to say "I love you."

"This is the painting," Tobin stated.

"It is. I wish I would have been well enough and brave enough to give it to you then."

"I didn't deserve it then. I wasn't ready for it yet either...It's beautiful Chris. Even then you were an amazing painter."

"We both weren't ready then, we are better now, but it is part of our story and I love everything about our story. Even the bad time because without the bad time we wouldn't have had all the good times...Plus, I paint from a much more happy place now and that shines through in my paintings." Christen mentioned motioning for Tobin to move on to the next painting.

The third painting was of Stanford. You can see the big buildings with their red roofs, the arches casting shadows onto the walkways and the circle of grass with the S in the center made of red roses. In smaller, but more important detail, at least to Tobin and Christen were two girls sitting on a little bench off to the side. The darker hair figure had her legs up on top of the lighter haired girl's lap and their lips were locked.

"Its where we fell in love with each other for the second time. You would kiss my check right there, " Christen pointed to a specific arch, "after walking me to class. And there, " she pointed to a spot on the grass, "is where you would take me to spend time in the sun when I would get frustrated with art or homework and help me relax and get through it. "And there," she pointed to the girls on the bench kissing, "is where I asked if you wanted to come back home with me for Christmas and you asked me to be your girlfriend again."

The last painting that wasn't covered was a beach. The waves looked like they were crashing aggressively to the dark beach. The sand was a gloomy brown. Even though it was night time no stars could be found because the sky was filled with gray clouds causing a constant light rain that can be spotted throughout the painting. There was also a small pier along the horizon, underneath it was a makeshift tent. To any outsider, it looked like a depressing scene. To the girls, it is one of their happiest nights.

"The night after the finals," Tobin remarked fondly.

"Even though we won and you assisted my winning goal, you were mopping after the party because you turned the ball over on the play that they scored. "

"I could have cost the game."

"You made up for it, as I told you over and over again that night, but I could see it still bugging you. So I did something about it."

"You disappeared for like an hour and when you came back you dragged me out under the pier. We got to watch the sunset on the beach and when it started raining we got into a tent where you somehow had a guitar in there for me to play, more blankets and pillows than I thought was possible and a laptop ready to play any of the Harry Potter movies."

"It was a good night." Christen agreed, reflecting back on one of her favorite nights.

"And the last one? Why is it covered?" She asked confused.

"Go ahead uncover it." Christen motioned for her girlfriend to pull the sheet off as she moved into her own position.

Tobin pulled the sheet down and finally got to see the painting underneath. At first, she was distracted by the brilliant and striking colors that were encompassing the whole painting. It was filled with swirls of blues, pinks, yellows, and everything in between. And then she noticed the figures in the middle. One obviously her, standing, smiling, and looking down at the other figure, Christen, who was on one knee with a ring in her hands.

And when Tobin turned away from the painting and towards the real Christen she was met with the same image as the painting showed. Christen on one knee with a ring in her hands. Except, unlike the picture, they were both crying.

"Chris?" Tobin managed to choke out when Christen hadn't said anything a few seconds.

"Wait, I need to get this out before I start crying harder." Christen joked out, collecting her thoughts before she started the speech she practiced. "We met at the worst time of our lives, and yet you are the best thing that has ever happened to me...you inspire me every day, to be positive, to work hard, to be open to new people and experiences. The last five years, and yes I'm counting the years we weren't even together because I was lucky to even know you, has been amazing. And I'm hoping that if you say yes I can spend the rest of my life loving you."

"You couldn't have waited huh?"

"Waited? Is it too soon?" Christen jumped up worried that she was wrong. "I just thought that we are starting a new chapter of our lives and we could start a new chapter of our relationship too, but if I miss read the situation..."

"Christen Press if you would just stop nervous rambling and look at me." Tobin interrupted. Christen looked off of the ground to find the hazel eyes she loves so much, but before she got there she made it to about chest height where Tobin was holding a little box in her hand.

"I had this whole plan. We were going to spend all of tonight celebrating, and tomorrow I would bring you breakfast in bed and have the box sitting on the tray. And I was going to sing you a song and give you a whole freaking romantic speech-like, you are my greatest teammate, my best friend, and my whole life. I love you so much and want to love you for the rest of my life if you would do me the honor of marrying me?"

"That is a pretty good plan and speech."

"Yeah? I thought it was pretty good. Until you did all this." Tobin motioned to the paintings.

"Well, I have been planning this for a while," Christen admitted, knowing Tobin doesn't do the planning.

"Well, I've had the ring for years..."

“You have had a ring for years?” Christen couldn't help but be surprised by this. 

“Since we kissed again for the first time at Stanford…So what do you say? You going to answer me?" Tobin argued not letting her girlfriend win.

"I asked you first." Christen giggled, not giving in.

"How about I say yes now and I still ask you tomorrow morning? That way we both win." Tobin said with a smile.

"So are you saying yes to my proposal?" Christen prompted her almost official fiancé.

"Yes. I'll marry you." Tobin answered with a huge grin, while Christen matched her smile and slide the simple, yet beautiful band on the other girl's finger.

"I love you," Tobin says all the joking tone out of her voice, while she tears her eyes away from the ring to her favorite green-grey eyes. "I am so fucking in love with you."

Christen moved forward, and Tobin's arms go around her waist pulling her in closer. "I love you too." The words are whispered softly just before their lips connected, but was soon broken up because they both couldn't stop smiling.

"Let's go home so I can make love to you and tire you out so I can propose to you sooner." She announced cockily, already pulling Christen out of the room.

"Let's go home." Christen agreed, loving the way her fiancée's newly ringed hand in feels in hers.

And on the short walk home, Christen once again was overwhelmed by the sights of her new surrounding. Every time she had to move somewhere new she always felt anxiety at the thought of having to get to know her new home all over again.

Portland had the potential to be the most anxiety-filled move to date with its abundant trees, small and big businesses, large walkways where she knows Tobin is just itching to longboard on, numerous quirky people she passes, pressure on her to become a public figure and yet she felt safe and excited. And she knew it had everything to do with the extraordinary woman who was beside her, who she somehow convinced to be her wife.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end. Or at least all I have planned up until this point. I don't really see myself adding more to this story. I hope you all can be happy with this ending. 
> 
> Thank you for reading every part. Thank you for the supportive and not so supportive comments. Thank you for the kudos. 
> 
> And who knows maybe I will see you all again with a different story.


End file.
